To re-assert some boundaries with DM as we ease out of lockdown?

[BB8sm8]

DM has a controlling, smothering way with me & over the past few years I’ve been learning to tentatively set out boundaries. So examples are letting herself in to my house when I’m not there & rearranging my things, opening & reading medical letters, reading emails, referring to my children as hers & not mine & my husbands, things like that. Lockdown has meant I’ve been free of interference but now a single household can join another, I’m finding she’s back over & dominating again. If I put down boundaries, however carefully I do it, she retreats, sulks but eventually comes back round only to push at the boundaries again. This time, because of the pressures lockdown has put on all of us, my emotionally capacity for dealing with her behaviour is 0. However, as always when I set down boundaries I feel huge guilt as she has been hugely lonely in lockdown & her life is still very much on hold, apart from now seeing us. I don’t want to come between her & my children as they clearly adore her, but I cringe watching them interact sometimes as I now recognise that controlling behaviour. However, I’m now also hyper-sensitive about it & probably not letting her get away with anything. I don’t know what to do, if I ask her to stop coming round uninvited then I’ll feel terrible as she’s lonely & this is a very hard time for everyone, but I also know I’ll suffer emotionally if I have to tolerate her behaviour as it was before. What do I do?

letting herself in to my house when I’m not there & rearranging my things, opening & reading medical letters, reading emails

Totally & utterly unacceptable. Take the key to your house back off her or change the locks.

You are going to have to harden your heart & tell her that her behaivour is totally wrong.

Good Luck!

PS I have adult children & grandchildren & would not dream of behaving as she has.

You need to grow a pair.

She's not stupid. She knows what she's doing. Put in place boundaries and stop letting her act like this. The only fool here is you because you're letting her (and I don't mean that in a nasty way, but, it is exactly how she'll see you!)

Change locks. Stop being as available. Have visits on your terms. Call her out as soon as she over steps. Get things under control.

Also, she may well be lonely but how much of that is her own fault? There's clearly a reason as she's insufferable. That isn't your issue to take pity on and/or fix.

You know the saying 'we don't negotiate with terrorists', when it comes to dealing with toddlers pushing the boundaries, and then sulking or having tanties when the boundaries are enforced?

Can apply to other people too - up to and including mothers, who are taking the absolute proverbial.

I fully second the taking back of the house key.

If she doesn't like the boundaries you set, and gets the hump, that's okay. She can stay away, on her tod, and sulk, still on her tod, until she's prepared to accept that these are the boundaries, and unless she respects and observes them, this is what she's going to be doing. Gnawing on her liver. On her tod.

letting herself in to my house when I’m not there & rearranging my things, opening & reading medical letters, reading emails, referring to my children as hers & not mine & my husbands, things like that

Ask for the keys back. See how she reacts. And if you think there is a slight chance she has copies, change the locks.

Good luck

Change the locks ASAP.

How does she access your emails? Can you either get a new address or put a password in place?

Oh man. Your mum is beyond the pale. First her behaviour is in no way normal.

I'd sort out your security. Change your locks, change email passwords, the works. Don't tell her though...just for fun. It is inappropriate for her to be snooping through your house and communications do if she takes issue with being locked out then tell her why.

If she sulks that is her choice. Sulking is a way to make you comply with what she wants. Don't comply. Perhaps get yourself a counselor as she is going get much worse when the usual tricks don't work.

I understand your children adore her but I'm going to guess they probably serve some purpose for her. Being loved conditionally is never good. Plus having a sane mother rather than an upset one being undermined by grandmother dearest is always going to be preferable.

As for being lonely, well that's a consequence of treating people badly. Yeah it sucks for her but it's not for you to sacrifice yourself for her bad choices.

FFS
you are an adult. you dont have to allow this. Change the locks, blame losing your keys if you are that worried. Change passwords, she'd have to have massive cheek to admit that she found out by logging onto your emails etc.

Ok so the responses so far show me perhaps I’m not being unreasonable to feel so dominated! I’m 45, so this is a lifetime of behaviour for both of us. I only realised it wasn’t perhaps healthy or the only way of mothering when in my 30s. I suppose when it comes down to it I feel like I can cope with her behaviour (before lockdown that is) but if I stand up to her I feel terrible guilt (she is widowed & reminds me often that she doesn’t have a husband like I do to lean on). So the emails, she just opened my iPad & read (not password protected, I wasn’t there at the time). The key - I actually took the key off her (setting my boundary!) - got a coded keypad but had to give her the code once for an emergency & she has been letting herself in ever since, even though I made it clear I’d taken the key off her in the first place because I didn’t want her just turning up & letting herself in. Often when I got home (before lockdown), she was in my house, having a cup of tea & having made herself lunch. I felt emotionally exhausted knowing she was in my house because when she’s with me she’s often criticising my parenting, life choices, my husband, but by then it was too late, she was already in my house. When I have set boundaries around this in the past, she has reminded me she’s alone, only has us as her family etc, now that’s all even more the case because of lockdown. And ofcourse she has lovely qualities too, I feel terrible for focusing on the negative & I don’t want to deny my children the benefits of spending time with their Nanny, but I also don’t want to go back to that trapped feeling I had before.

You have been trained by her to have terrible boundaries. You need nice, simple ones that you stick to.

May I suggest arranged visits only and no key. If she 'pops round' you don't let her in. She sulks, fine.

Op I know it’s difficult but you need to take control. This is not about her being a widow, she is purposely manipulating you .

@stretchedmarks - I needed to hear that and I'm not the OP! Just reading Toxic Parents and what you said has hit home to me perfectly. Thank you 😊

Change the code.

Cricket. She’s a grown woman. If she is lonely, tell her to join the WI or volunteer at a food bank.

And change your passwords.

Crikey, that is.

Change the code on the keypad,
I know your iPad just in case
Ask your mother to call you before she comes over to make sure it’s ok. If she turns up just say sorry I can’t see you at the moment but xx time suits

When she starts with comments either just agree and ignore, or tell her you don’t want to discuss and change the subject.

It may puss her off for a while, she may sulk, but leave her to it. When she sees you are serious she will either chose to abide by your boundaries or not see you. Her choice

That sounds completely shocking! You really need to get some boundaries in place - and certainly don't feel guilty. No key, no code, no coming in unless invited. If she goes off and sulks then great - because that's one less time of her you have to experience her and her ways. She sounds a master of manipulation!

Change the code on your key safe and only give it to her on the occasion of an emergency. Change it afterwards. Password protect your devices.

You're not there to be her emotional crutch so don't feel guilted in to doing so. Sounds like she could do with a hobby or (once lockdown is over) getting out to meet new friends.

This must be so hard for you to have to face. Well done for setting boundaries in the first place, you can do it again. She really is well beyond acceptable. So change that code and password protect everything. And also rehearse a few phrases for her criticism - ‘if you cant say anything nice dont say anything at all’ or even ‘if you are going to be nasty you’d better go home now’. If not just change the conversation immediately.

The beauty of a keypad code is that you can change it! Sit down and make a list of how you would like things to be, if it was totally up to you and you weren't feeling guilty. Be completely honest with yourself. Then implement it. She;s is being hugely manipulative - you are trapped in the FOG (fear, obligation guilt) and it's time you set some proper boundaries. Be prepared for sulking and meanness, but eventually you CAN change things. Good luck!

Change the code. Change it today.

Ignore the guilt trips, remember that plenty of children have lovely relationships with their grandparents, and the grandparents don't let themselves into the house and interfere. So you are not in any way denying her a relationship with them just by insisting that she not come into your house uninvited!

I sympathise op. It's difficult when you're used to something, it's normal cos you haven't known any differently, but to everyone else it sounds ridiculous.

I'd be telling her that any more of her shenanigans, and she will most certainly be very much on her own. Permanently and completely, because we wouldn't be going to hers, and she sure as hell wouldn't be coming to mine. I'd mean it too.

Change the locks and/or the code. And find someone else to call in an emergency!
Nobody sits in my house, drinking my tea, eating my food, criticising my parenting, and my husband.

When I have set boundaries around this in the past, she has reminded me she’s alone, only has us as her family etc

Yes, and her continued dominating behaviour is pushing you away which means she'll be even more lonely.

I feel for your husband. There are many threads on here when it's the MIL who is behaving this way and the advise is always the same... either it's dealt with or LTB.

Or maybe is that what she wants.... for you to split so you are both alone and she can rule you and your DC even more

why didn't you change the key code once she'd used it?

I totally agree with the others. You don't go into someone's house and then criticise everything.

Start to take back control. Do the easy bits first. Change the key code. Password protect your iPad and change passwords on emails etc just in case.

Then you need to spell things out very clearly and dispassionately to her. In MY house, these are MY rules. If you have a problem with something, you tell me in an adult manner in a calm voice. However, should you criticise my house, parenting, husband or cooking/cleaning/whatever you will be asked to leave immediately. They are mine and my husband's children, not yours. You have had your chance, now this is mine. I am sorry you are lonely, but quite frankly, unless I was obligated, I wouldn't want to be around you either.

I know that might sound mean, and if you yell at her, it is. But if you say it firmly but calmly, the message will go in, especially if you then follow it up with "do you want a biscuit with your cuppa?" Your children need to see you modelling the sort of behaviour you want them to exhibit, and right now that isn't happening.