To re-assert some boundaries with DM as we ease out of lockdown?

[BB8sm8]

DM has a controlling, smothering way with me & over the past few years I’ve been learning to tentatively set out boundaries. So examples are letting herself in to my house when I’m not there & rearranging my things, opening & reading medical letters, reading emails, referring to my children as hers & not mine & my husbands, things like that. Lockdown has meant I’ve been free of interference but now a single household can join another, I’m finding she’s back over & dominating again. If I put down boundaries, however carefully I do it, she retreats, sulks but eventually comes back round only to push at the boundaries again. This time, because of the pressures lockdown has put on all of us, my emotionally capacity for dealing with her behaviour is 0. However, as always when I set down boundaries I feel huge guilt as she has been hugely lonely in lockdown & her life is still very much on hold, apart from now seeing us. I don’t want to come between her & my children as they clearly adore her, but I cringe watching them interact sometimes as I now recognise that controlling behaviour. However, I’m now also hyper-sensitive about it & probably not letting her get away with anything. I don’t know what to do, if I ask her to stop coming round uninvited then I’ll feel terrible as she’s lonely & this is a very hard time for everyone, but I also know I’ll suffer emotionally if I have to tolerate her behaviour as it was before. What do I do?

For the poster who said go and change the code right now & tell us you’ve done it...I did it...I googled how to change it as I’ve never done it before & I changed it.

‘Part of this will be that you'll have been programmed to be upset and anxious if she is displeased with you‘ - this made me stop in my tracks...honestly isn’t this how parents make their children feel if they do something they disagree with? Isn’t that normal? So that’s exactly what happens, whether it’s some minor decision we’ve made about our own children to my weight, I get that sort of sinking feeling & the fear - no other way to describe it (someone said about fear, obligation, guilt?). She can be amazingly supportive & brilliant that’s when I’m doing what she thinks I should do, when I do something she disapproves of, I know about it, but I thought that was just her being honest & just fairly normal behaviour. I feel like I have so much to think about. My friends never comment when I mention some of the things Mum does, but I often don’t tell them as it feel disloyal or like I’m always moaning!

Ask yourself - would you treat your children the way she treats you? Emotional blackmail, bullying, total disrespect for their life choices?

No you wouldn't. So why accept such treatment yourself?

We all have choices. Your DM chooses to behave very very badly towards you and your DH. And make no mistake, it IS a choice. She CAN help herself.

Your choice is how to react to her behaviour, how to take back control, how to protect your children from the same bullying, manipulative behaviour as they get older and start to form their own opinions.

And also ask yourself - what is the worst she can do? Make you feel anxious and guilty? Stand up to her a few times and just ride out the storm and the emotional blackmail and each time it will get easier, because the sky won't fall in and your DM will not die of loneliness!!

You're right it's a hard time for everyone. Including you, your partner and children. So put this right now. Put your boundaries back in place. Assert yourself.

Show your children how to deal with tricky, selfish characters.

For the poster who said go and change the code right now & tell us you’ve done it...I did it...I googled how to change it as I’ve never done it before & I changed it.

That was me! Sorry for being bossy.

A normal mother/daughter relationship doesn't involve you feeling guilty or upset when you make your own decisions, no. My cousin has a Mum like yours and she's really envious of my relationship with my mum. Me and my mum argue, fall out, sulk and carry on but it's equal and we respect each other. Her mum is manipulative, selfish and controlling. There's no equality, it's all her trying desperately to please her mother and constantly failing. I've told her not trying would be simpler but she can't because like you, she was trained.

Part of this will be that you'll have been programmed to be upset and anxious if she is displeased with you‘ - this made me stop in my tracks...honestly isn’t this how parents make their children feel if they do something they disagree with? Isn’t that normal?

As children yes it's normal to feel like that as your parent has all the authority and so you know being in trouble is bad!

As an adult? No not normal. If my mum is displeased with me, how I feel about it will depend if I think I'm right or not!

@forrandomposts

Part of this will be that you'll have been programmed to be upset and anxious if she is displeased with you‘ - this made me stop in my tracks...honestly isn’t this how parents make their children feel if they do something they disagree with? Isn’t that normal?

As children yes it's normal to feel like that as your parent has all the authority and so you know being in trouble is bad!

As an adult? No not normal. If my mum is displeased with me, how I feel about it will depend if I think I'm right or not!

Well done on changing the code. It's the first step.

And this, your Mum hasn't moved on from treating you like a child to be controlled. And you haven't moved on from letting her. We all do things our parents disapprove of, but to react with fear about that is not normal.