To say being a new mum sucks

[needliferaft]

Just this. Have a four week old, basically feel like a milk cow, feel like my life is small, lonely, unattractive and like I'll never be myself again.

I live in UK, moved here with partner from my home country (US), no family of my own, no friends of my own. I'm not adjusting to living here very well. No offence intended, its just been hard and isolating.

Will it get better? How do I deal with being a new mum and not have a breakdown.

Oh I feel for you. I felt very similar after my first baby. It’s a huge shock and massive adjustment.

If it makes you feel any tiny bit better, it definitely did improve for me. I’ll be honest, it was a long time to get back to feeling myself again, but I got there. You will too.

Did you do NCT or anything similar? Could you reach out to your HV and see if there are any new mum groups in your area that have gone online during lockdown that you could join in with?

Also, maybe speak to your HV and GP about a screening for PND. Having a newborn is gruelling at the best of times and during lockdown it's even worse. You might benefit from a little extra support.

Yeah, it'll get better. I found the first 3 months very hard, but then it slowly got better, until one day i woke up and found I was really enjoying motherhood.

It was really shit at the start though. Just hold on for now. It'll pass. Have you got people to talk to in real life?

Oh man I feel for you. I felt exactly the same for a good eight weeks or so following the birth of my daughter in December. I didn't immediately "fall in love", I was so tired and jacked up I basically never slept, she breastfed almost constantly and I ended up in hospital with septic infection 12 days pp. I remember crying in hospital and googling "I hate breastfeeding" and "I don't like being a mum". I'd read replies saying "it gets so much better at six/eight/twelve/sixteen weeks!" It made me feel worse - I honestly didn't see how I'd bear another forty eight hours.

But it did get better. The baby eventually starts sleeping longer. You feel less sore and miserable. The baby starts smiling which really helps. Your hormones even out and eventually you feel okay enough to go out and about (course for me lockdown then hit haha). It's so, so tough. Even more so in the current climate but it WILL get better. I can't say when, exactly, but the foy does slowly start to lift. You're not alone and you're doing amazingly, even if the whole thing feels like a huge shit show right now.

Be nice to yourself.

Remember you have had a baby at the worst possible time really with nothing going on but hopefully there's light at the end of the tunnel.

I think it can be hard to make friends as adults but not when you have children. You've got the perfect opportunity to forge some new friendships when baby groups get going again. Can you join a local NCT group. They may be doing zoom groups if you fancied that.

Lastly four weeks is no time at all. You are in the eye of the storm right now. I don't think I started going out to any classes until my baby was 6months old so no pressure just yet. But when I did go there were new friends instantly available.

This will get better. X

Ooh. That sounds hard going. The first six weeks is a total emotional highjack. Even I’m Covid, mum’s groups should be able to safely meet outside. Can your health visitor sign post? There must be some creative response to prevent new Mum isolation. It’s absolutely key - not a luxury. Well done for managing the first four weeks so resiliently. 🌷

Poor you. You've had a monumental event happen in the middle of the lockdown, I think your feelings are partly caused by the situation in which we find ourselves. My OH died at the start of the lockdown and I can't decide if my feelings are down to his death, after 50+ years, or not being able to meet up with friends, hug our grandchildren and so on.

I hope as things ease off you'll feel much better and be able to enjoy your lovely baby.

Not at all, it's really bloody hard. Literally, given the lochea. I didn't even bf so didn't have the milk cow thing, but still exhausting.

I completely feel for you! I have been in your position. I moved to the UK from ireland to be with my husband. I had no friends, no support from family, nobody. It sucked! I HATED being a new mom. I cried constantly and felt so awful for not liking it, even though I adored my baby. I was so isolated and miserable, and felt like a terrible mom.

Honestly, it gets better. For me 16 weeks was a huge turning point. She just became easier, slept more, fed less, and I got a good routine going. Now I am pregnant with DC2 and know I am facing that miserable time all over again but I know this time that it's a tiny part of motherhood.

For me, I found an app called MUSH great. It's for mums like us, who need people. I suggest you join it, put a post up about meeting someone for a socially distanced picnic, and see if you can meet someone. Everyone is very keen to meet new people on it so try put any fears of meeting people to one side. It was my lifesaver, even if it just meant we moaned about how hard it was for an hour over a sandwich. I made great friends off it. Best of luck!

If breastfeeding is making you feel worse - you talk about feeling like a milk cow - it's OK to stop. It's OK to look after yourself as well as your baby. Be gentle with yourself

Yeah I hated the newborn bit. Loving the terrible twos in comparison.

I promise it will get easier, but mainly I just want to acknowledge that this bit can indeed be completely shit and there's nothing wrong at all with feeling it.

New baby, new country, new lifestyle! Those are major changes especially to have happened around the same time. Hopefully soon you can join a new mum baby group and make friends. It will get better. From what I’ve heard, the U.K. generally has excellent support for mums and families, and it’s worth a chat with your health visitor. I’m American and I know how lonely and isolated it can feel sometimes.

I'm also American and have gone through this type of transition.

Being a new mom is extremely draining and stressful, though it can be better or worse depending on your partner's attitude.

I joined NCT and am so glad I did. I have no doubt that it improved the experience for me to know others who were in the same position.

I would suggest joining the parents'Facebook group for your neighborhood/area and see if there are any online baby classes being offered. If restrictions loosen, I would also suggest joining a real class where you have to pay for a term - this will enable you to meet other moms and to see them on a consistent basis for a structured activity. It's somehow less isolating to be around/chat with others who are going through the same thing.

Hi op

I’m a first time mum in lockdown (my baby is a little older, nearly 12 weeks) and even though I haven’t moved abroad I wanted to let you know you are not alone in feeling isolated and finding it hard. It is relentless, and especially in those early weeks where the baby basically just sleeps you feel like you’re trying so hard to get stuff right and get no thanks or interaction back!!

As others have said did you join an antenatal group that you could reach out to - mine have been a god send and it only took one person admitting they were struggling for everyone else to agree they felt similarly and rally round. We now meet every week outside and talk every day on WhatsApp which is amazing. Combined with baby becoming a little easier and more interactive i promise this helps and it does get better.

Do you want to share where in the country you are? You might find people on here in a similar and local boat who want to go for a walk or can recommend networks or groups that are slowly being able to meet again xx

I remember thinking we had ruined our lives with something irreversible.

It's particularly hard that these feelings aren't what you see all over social media - instead it is all "blessed" and "totally in love".

It isn't coincidence that babies start to smile at about 6 weeks - that is the point for some parents when everything seems utterly hopeless and you're ready to chuck the baby out of the window. Then they smile and you get a tiny reward for sticking with it.

Well done for bf. When lock down is over the groups will start again and that should def help being able to get out and meet others. Everyone is finding things isolating at the moment.
I think life changes when you become a mum, you may not get your old life back as you have a new life with new priorities. But it doesn't,t have to mean you lose yourself. One thing I did find helpful was getting a ring sling I could where around the house, so I could hold baby ad do washing up or peal veg etc, and not deal so tied down.

@Totty26 I don't think that's controversial, I think it's realistic!

OP it is HARD. My DC2 is a few days old and it's easier this time round but still hard work. I'm remembering how much breastfeeding hurts, what sleep deprivation is like, and how it all seems a never ending slog from one day to the next. But the fact that I'd sort of forgotten it all shows that it does get better as other posters have said. Plus doing everything in lockdown is harder - I used to take myself off to a cafe for a nice coffee and cake which helped. In the absence of that try to at least get outside once a day, even if it's just a walk up and down the street. It will get better!

Where do you live?

Have you tried any of the apps - Peanut, Mush (sp?) or I think even Bumble has a mode for making local friends? I think having a support network is absolutely key.

Also, I am sure you are doing a fabulous job!

I live 250 km from my family - in the same country but nothing like daily interaction. I have family who are transatlantic so I know how difficult the time zones can make communicating generally. My friends were all work colleagues or very distant physically, so I was quite alone initially during the week. And add in lockdown so many of the "normal" activities for new mums are not available.

I found the first while hard, very hard. I made myself go out and walk with DD in the pram every day - I had got one with a good rain cover and I had a decent rain coat, so I would go out no matter the weather and that did help just to get me moving and to get fresh air. I would often try to get as far as a local coffee shop, stop for a coffee and a feed, and then walk home again, to break up the day.

Being the "milk cow" is also hard (and DD had reflux, so threw up almost as much milk as she drank, and needed to be kept upright for half an hour after every feed to try and help that). I tried to time certain feeds to be able to watch an interesting programme on tv (it was the 1st year of the Great British Menu, if I remember right - but I know there was a cookery programme in the early evening that I watched a LOT), and I kept a book of sudokus on the side to do while DD fed at other times. I also had a travel mug, that I filled with a nice cup of tea (and had a stack of 3 fig rolls alongside) and a pint glass of squash to drink, to keep my own fluids up and to not "just" be the cow, but able to enjoy my own quiet cup of tea without it spilling and keeping it warm.

It does get better - newborns are so dependent on you, and while they still are dependent on you in many ways for years to come, it changes and they can do things for themselves or be more mobile and flexible, as they get older. And the country will open up again so activities and groups will restart at some point - maybe your health visitor or GP might have some pointers on where to look.

DD is now 14, the same height as me, and headed off walking down the same hill to her sailing camp this morning independent of me, and is cooking family dinner tonight while DH and I are still working upstairs. And I have a lot more friends locally, many of whom I met through activities or school etc for DD.

Oh yes, being a new mum absolutely sucks IME. It must be especially hard in a new country and in lockdown.

I agree with trying out apps like Mush and Peanut which aim to link up local mums with babies.

Also look into your local NCT, in normal times they organise coffee mornings and buggy walks for mums to get to know each other. I don’t know how they are handling this in lockdown but hopefully something virtual or in the park.

Breastfeeding groups could also be a lifeline, even if you don’t need help with BF it’s a great place to meet people - again probably shut down at the moment but hopefully opening soon...

The first few months with baby is tough. I felt like I had lost my self after the birth of my first daughter 2016.

You just get used to the new way of like though, you make new routines, New friends, you see life a bit different than before - have different worries and thoughts.

I had my second daughter last year and it honestly does get easier.

If you don't like the breast feeding there is no shame changing to formula. I did and I felt a lot more relaxed and less agitated everyday which helped in the long term.

Where abouts are you in the country? Maybe there are some local mum online groups you could get involved with? Local mums or local mum groups that are posting baby classes/ activities on Instagram or any form of social media?

You poor thing, I'm sure these very normal feelings are compounded by lockdown. I agree you should speak to your Health visitor. These first few weeks can be really hard, just a constant slog with seemingly not much reward, made worse by tiredness and all the physical problems childbirth and breast feeding can bring. I hope when your baby starts smiling at you that you'll gradually start to see the other side of being a parent!

I moved shortly after having my first, within the UK, but I still also felt incredibly lonely and isoated. Things starting to perk up when I baby was 4 months old and I decided to join MUSH (an app for finding other mums in your area) where I found some of the best friends I've ever had and followed on by joining some baby groups.

I've just had my second, 7 weeks ago, and I appreciate how tough it is to have a newborn right now, feeling shut off from the outside world, especially if its your first.

Please consider apps like MUSH, I had PND and it really helped me to find people in my area (with similar aged babies) to talk to. I also think you should talk to your HV about how you are feeling so they can help support you and might know about some local (online for now) groups you can join.

Giving yourself a little target activity for each day will help to lift your spirits too. Just small things like a short walk, or have a bath.
My newborn is also a feeding machine so I've taken to using a hakkaa pump on which ever boob she's not feeding on so I can collect enough milk to give me a short break in the evenings whilst my husband has the opportunity to feed her and bond.

These first stages are so relentless, I look back now and I can see how desperate I was the first time round, but it does and will get so much better. Don't be afraid to ever speak up if you need help or extra support.

It does get better. You are still recovering from the birth, on next to no sleep and a double-dose of hormones. If nothing else, be kind to yourself.

Here's what worked for me.

• Getting out in the fresh air once a day. This is a great one when trying to settle a windy or overtired baby. I stuck mine in a supportive sling and just wandered around the streets or park. When the baby was bigger and a bit more predictable, it evolved into a cafe meet-up with local mums.

• Speaking of mums, take a look at baby groups and classes. Mush is good, as is the Hoop app (what's on for families). It's mostly online stuff at the moment, but it normally includes all the paid and free group options. It's not compulsory, but by the time your child reaches four months old and you can't stand another minute of Bing, you will be on the app!

• Sleep when the baby sleeps. Seriously. Sod housework beyond clean clothes and plates for the time being. I actually had a "nest" on the sofa, consisting of my snackbasket with fruit, flapjacks and biscuits, a water bottle and my kindle/TV remote control. When the baby fed, I ate and drank too. If you are a fan of hot drinks, get your partner to make up a flask of tea (or similar) before he goes to work.

• Facebook or Skype your friends and family on prearranged dates. it again gives you structure to the day and something to think about, outside of the baby.

If it's any consolation, I have two of them (now 6 & 4) playing behind me. It goes fast and gets much, much easier. You will get your identity back again and new friends. Give yourself time.