To say being a new mum sucks

[needliferaft]

Just this. Have a four week old, basically feel like a milk cow, feel like my life is small, lonely, unattractive and like I'll never be myself again.

I live in UK, moved here with partner from my home country (US), no family of my own, no friends of my own. I'm not adjusting to living here very well. No offence intended, its just been hard and isolating.

Will it get better? How do I deal with being a new mum and not have a breakdown.

I call the first three months after birth, guerilla parenting. You are focused on keeping your baby and you fed, clean and warm ( sometimes the clean thing for yourself doesn’t always happen and that is ok!)

This time is especially difficult with CV19. Wait it out, I promise it does get better (although if you are really struggling, contact your gp...PND can be helped)

Congratulations to you and your baby 💐💐

Hugs OP. It will get easier dont worry! It must be awful for you being stuck in lockdown with a newborn, I'm finding it difficult with a (very well behaved) toddler let alone a small baby. I'm estranged from my family so I agree that mother and baby groups help so much, the structure as well as adult company really helped me. Dont feel pressure to have baby fully dressed every day. I felt I had to have my DD spotless and dressed like a doll which made me feel like a terrible mother when she was covered in sick or poo minutes later. Take time to look after yourself and dont be afraid to ask your DP to look after baby while you soak in the tub or read a book.

Oh just remember. One of the best things I bought was a sling. I used to go about tidying up etc with DD at my chest and fed on demand so any wee noise my nipple was put in her mouth lol I remember it making life much easier!

Hi OP, I also have a 4 week old (DD3) and it's HARD. Really hard, especially first time around. You're perfectly entitled to feel the way you do. Feeling like a milk cow I can sympathise with too... it's important to try and do little things to make yourself feel like a person again, like:

• make sure you get a shower and clean clothes every day. If you usually wear make up, put some lipstick or mascara or whatever on and take a quick look at yourself in the mirror - you're still you!

• make sure you have clothes that you are comfortable in. I also had HG and at the end I'd stopped throwing up but had to eat almost constantly not to feel sick, so have put on loads of weight - I've bought 2 new pairs of comfy-but-nice trousers and a couple of tops in big sizes, so I don't feel horrible in what I'm wearing

• read / listen to / watch something that interests you - have a place to sit that's good for feeding with everything you need nearby, water, muslins, tv remote, phone charger, newspaper / magazine/ book whatever, so that when you do sit down to feed you can relax and enjoy it. Switching your brain back onto something you're interested in will remind you you're still the same person.

• do not try and do big cooking / cleaning! Take it as easy as you can.

Big hugs OP, it’s really hard at that stage my DD is 27 weeks now and I promise it gets easier as time goes on! Baby will feed less and sleep more, and eventually be able to amuse themselves. Made me feel more human getting showered and dressed every day and going out for a walk. Once lockdown is more or less over I would ask your health visitor if there are any drop in sessions for new mums. In our town we have a baby brasserie which is aimed at women breastfeeding so they can get support, maybe there is something similar where you are so you can meet people (and trust me every other new mum will 100% relate to how you feel!)

Thanks all for the replies, except that unhelpful one about how no one is allowed to struggle because of everyone with infertility issues.

I'm feeling pretty terrible but basically counting down to when I'm not breastfeeding, which in fairness I'll probably miss when it's over.

Don't get me wrong, I love my baby completely, she's lovely. Its just so hard sometimes being this alone.

Also nearly killed DH today because he complained about having no life. He has a job, his family, his friends, a motorbike he just bought which he still gets to take out for rides, and does hot yoga four times a week. F-er doesn't know what not having a life means. Yet.

I had a half an hour chat today about a role I might take in 6 - 9 months, and he had to look after her. In the lead up I spent two days expressing 200Ml of milk, in case he had to feed and resettle her. After the call it looked like he had been through a war.

He over fed her, so she sicked up all over him, had a leaky nappy, and cried the whole time. Poor DD but a bit thrilled he got a taste. 😆

Ah OP, I remember the HV coming over at about 4 weeks, I said I was struggling and I remember her saying that around 12 weeks it would get a tiny bit easier in all probability. Of course I didn't believe her and it sounded like an eternity away, but sure enough it rolled around and things did seem easier. It sounds like you're doing great, and yep DH nearly got kicked out about 200 times in the early months for being insensitive! It's important though that he does have time alone with your little one, because it's important for you to have a bit of time. Even if it's when she is napping you can relax in the bath without waiting to get disturbed by her waking because he will be there.

Being a mum will get easier, being an immigrant in the UK is only going to get harder. Speaking as one, 21 years here and still don't feel welcome and have precisely zero support network even after having kids.

It is hard, relentless, unforgiving, exhausting and generally a bit crap sometimes. No one tells you about that bit. Everyone talks about this rush of love you'll get and how it's amazing and enjoy every moment. Hard to enjoy every moment when your body is healing, things hurt and are swollen. And this tiny little person is so reliant on you.

Im through the newborn stage, dd2 is ten months but every stage has its challenges. And talk to your DH, explain to him how you are really feeling and make him take baby so you get a break. Easier said than done I know, but like you said, he got a flavour of what you deal with 24/7 while you had a phone call. He needs to understand how relentless that feels when it's what you are dealing with every day.

Update - at six weeks now and we got a smile which helped a little bit. Still feel like I will never sleep again. And considering formula for the 10pm feed, had a go at it the other night in a moment of weakness and sadly it seems to knock her out better than my milk can.

Honestly feel like I'll never sleep again!

Would so love someone to watch, feed and settle my baby for a night! Or a year 😂

Fair comment! It does at times. Four weeks is tiny and caring for a newborn is a thankless task. I felt very isolated at times and no global pandemic situation for me back then! It really does get better. It does. You will make friends- takes time. Do any small thing you can for yourself that lifts your spirits. Some day you'll be out in the sun looking up at the autumn leaves rustling and your baby will giggle at them and you will feel like you are getting something back. Xxxx

Ah babe. I could have written this 2 years ago.

Combination feeding worked wonders for us! We started in the NICU and it was such a blessing. Means your DP can do night feeds every now and then so you can get a proper night's sleep.

I felt so isolated and my friends and family are local so I can only imagine how hard this must be. Keep posting here - it will help and can you FaceTime your family stateside, that might help?

Seriously it will get better. Before you know it you will have a little babbling person next to you and you will never feel isolated again .

In the meantime, watch tv/films that you love while you're BFing, add in some formula and take some time for yourself.

DO NOT feel bad about using formula. Do whatever you need to do for your baby and your sanity.

@needliferaft

Update - at six weeks now and we got a smile which helped a little bit. Still feel like I will never sleep again. And considering formula for the 10pm feed, had a go at it the other night in a moment of weakness and sadly it seems to knock her out better than my milk can.

Honestly feel like I'll never sleep again!

Would so love someone to watch, feed and settle my baby for a night! Or a year 😂

“Would so love someone to watch, feed and settle my baby for a night!”

Seriously, her father needs to be doing this (for whatever time period works best for her and you). Screw his hot yoga!!

I had vowed to EBF but it didn't quite go to plan & we started introducing bottles of formula. You're right in that it knocks them out better than the breast & so I've carried on without any guilt whatsoever. It means OH can help & im not up all night whilst DS snacks all night long.

I remember you originally posting this a few weeks back and thought "thank god!" as I was feeling the exact same way and was so glad I wasn't the only one feeling like I'd ruined both mine & OH's lives. So thank you for that!

At 3/4 weeks I honestly felt I'd made a terrible mistake & if I could go back and never got pregnant I would have taken it back in a heartbeat. I had a few honest (and tearful) conversations with my OH that I wasn't sure if motherhood was for me but it was too late now, I was stuck in this relentless cycle forever and the thought filled me with dread. That I wasn't overcome with love for DS at all & felt terrible about that as all I'd see online were people saying they never expected to love someone so much & they were so overwhelmed with love from the minute they gave birth. I did not feel like that AT ALL. It didn't help that when DS would have a meltdown & be inconsolable that OH would say out of frustration "you wanted a baby, I was ok without" which is a load of crap & really not helpful!

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better. My DS is 6 weeks now & i'm finally feeling the love towards him which grows each day. It's bloody hard work but I don't completely regret him anymore. 😊

So really just to say thanks for being honest & hope things continue to improve. x

@MarshmallowsOnToast I feel the same and honestly hate myself for it! Its so complicated! I love her to bits, and I wanted her so so badly and I really am happy she's here, it's just such an adjustment.

I'm going to start adding formula at 10pm, so I can get a few good hours in before the next feeding session. Have been reading it won't affect my milk supply. Probably a slippery slope though!

It was the worst time in my life but it got better OP

I used to get DH to give a bottle for the last feed, so I got a decent sleep.

You will get there, honestly. It is hard at the beginning, can you try to get out for a walk at least once a day? That helped me loads.

Aw, yay for sweet smiles!

Please don’t see using formula as a weakness. If it keeps you sane and you get some sleep and that means you feel a bit more human, then it’s doing it’s job and that’s a good thing.
There is so much stigma surrounding breastfeeding and formula, but everyone’s end goal should be making sure their babies are fed, clothed and loved.

It’s more important to give yourself a break/breathing space as you’ve been through a throughly rough time and it’s a lot to process.

There is also no shame in phoning the GP and explaining that you’re feeling wobbly emotionally and getting a low dose of something to help you over the bump. It’s not always a long term thing and isn’t a weakness.

My DH took awhile to realise that life had changed for the both of us, which was a struggle!

Ok, so keen to intro formula for a bit of sanity (aka a glass or two of wine at night), but baby will not take a bottle. This is annoying. Can not get a break honestly. 😢

Off to the doctor... well not off to the doctor, more like speaking to a receptionist who might get a doctor to call me... to ask about antidepressants. Starting to get really worn down now.

I completely agree op and found the transition from no children to one child unbelievably difficult. I have found having a second baby and toddler together a million times easier than having the first one which was a massive culture shock to say the least! I know when you’re in it it seems like it will last forever but op this time will pass. There was so many phases when they are little but they do end and there are massive changes in only a few weeks. You’ve got this and in the mean time plenty of tea and cake, be kind to yourself and let others help where possible

@needliferaft My first baby was the same and wouldn’t take a bottle then I discovered the Mam soft spouted sippy cup (the one especially for breast fed babies) which is suitable 4 month plus and this saved my life. I highly recommend it!

Hi @needliferaft you sound like you’re doing brilliantly! Congratulations on your baby. Re combination feeding I gave all 3 of mine a bottle of formula at 10 / 11pm from about 4 weeks old. I breast fed the rest of the time and it worked so well for us. My husband used to do this feed and it meant I got a few hours to have a bath / watch tv / go to bed etc.

It was a game changer. I felt so much better for it. Motherhood is great and I love my boys but I did need a bit of time off too. It was also good for DH as it was his time to be “in charge” of his babies.

All 3 continued to breastfeed until they were nearly a year old so having some formula didn’t seem to confuse them in the slightest.

Be gentle with yourself

Oh just seen your last posts - they didn’t highlight for some reason: my eldest was tricky with a bottle too. We experimented with different teats - he liked the one that looks more like a boob, I think it was called closer to nature? This was 10 years ago though. Also, all mine would only drink formula if it was really warm like breast milk. Initially none of mine would take the bottle from me, DH had to give it to them as they only associated me with breast feeding. In time though they’d take the bottle from me too.

I feel for you, I really do. These early days are TOUGH and even more so for you with your family overseas and bloody covid.