To say being a new mum sucks

[needliferaft]

Just this. Have a four week old, basically feel like a milk cow, feel like my life is small, lonely, unattractive and like I'll never be myself again.

I live in UK, moved here with partner from my home country (US), no family of my own, no friends of my own. I'm not adjusting to living here very well. No offence intended, its just been hard and isolating.

Will it get better? How do I deal with being a new mum and not have a breakdown.

I distinctly remember, with my first child, hitting a wall when I had my first post natal period.
I was stuck at home with this baby when I’d been a full time worker with great mates at work, hubby worked away several nights a week, I had no mum, I had milk squirting out of my boobs and blood pouring out at the bottom.
I’d had enough, felt like a cow being milked. I put her on the bottle.

@Malbecblooms I am not sure if you are trying to be helpful, but that's not helpful at all. Knowing you are lucky to have a child doesnt mean you are blissfully happy being alone and isolated from your family with a screaming newborn, and to be honest, your comment is incredibly heartless.

@Malbecblooms thanks, I had 5 years of trying, four miscarriages and a round of IVF, Hyperemises Gravidarum for 8 months, a 2.5 day labour, newborn wasn't breathing at birth and she spent 5 days in NICU. So cognisant that I'm lucky. Just because I had a baby didn't mean she came easy.

Try baby and bump if you're not keen on NTC -
bumpandbabyclub.com/
Also children's community centres can be great, when they open.

One of the low points for me was pumping. I felt like I was either feeding my baby or milking myself like a cow!
I also got an infection in my stitches which was painful.
The lack of sleep and the poonamis seemed relentless. There was no privacy as he slept next to my bed. On and on.
So, solidarity!
My little one is almost 18 mos now and it is easier. Also, I am having number two next month, so it must get better or nobody would have more than one!
Please try and get out to groups etc as soon as it is possible. You'll have the chance to chat to adults and it'll break up the days.
Hang in there!

I think we've all felt a bit wobbly the first wee while! I think it's important to recognise that you aren't alone. You are going to be okay. I'm in Aberdeenshire,North Scotland. If I'm near you and you want to reach out please do. Your midwife or Health visitor can give you names of groups etc that might help. I know with covid, there aren't actual meet ups but some of ours are running on line virtually. Don't be hard on yourself x

Also do not compare yourself to a cow. You are a bf mum doing a good job by the sounds of things.

It gets better. I promise. But it improves.

The first weeks are the worst. You just have to go through it. It will clear up. And get better. This whole isolation thing is not helping. Try to facetime or Skype with your family and friends to keep sane x

I found the first few weeks with my first born daughter very hard and that was with friends and family around. I get the constant breastfeeding thing too its hard work. And I felt tied to the sofa with a boob out. Many a time I wanted to stop and give bottles. But I persevered and she thrived on the breastmilk, she became reluctant to give it up! She is nearly 7 now and it all feels a long time ago. Getting out of the house is key even if just to wheel the pram round the streets. You will feel like you again but it takes time to get used to your new life. It does get easier as they get bigger and they interact more. I found the book ' my baby week by week' was useful as it showed me what would be coming up and how things progress. I have a 2 and a half yr old daughter as well now and despite a terrible birth experience it has been much easier 2nd time round. Hang on in there.

You're right, lots of it does suck... And it's even crappier than usual at the moment.

I remember feeling lonely and isolated after the birth of DS. DH was working long hours and hardly ever home so I was just left with the baby. No real advice for you, I'm afraid, because the thing that made it better for me was getting out of the house... Baby massage, toddler groups, NCT. It was just nice to talk to other mums and I met a few who have become close friends (one American, actually 😁!). But, of course, that option's not open to you at the moment. You're being expected to cope with a fraction of the practical and emotional support usually available to new parents.

Try to be kind to yourself and spoil yourself a bit. If you can afford it, buy all the books, movies, TV stuff you've wanted for a while. And all your favourite food and treats. Try to get out for a long walk to help baby sleep and to keep yourself sane. One thing I enjoyed was long, hot baths (just left baby in a bassinet in the bathroom where I could see him). And see if there's any online groups you can join for mums in your area. But you're right, it's not great.

Things WILL get better, I promise. My baby is only a little older than yours - we have just gone through 8 weeks of non stop crying (from the baby, occasionally me). But once we hit the 8 week mark, things improved dramatically. I know how tough it is having a baby in lockdown, even though we've lived here for years we felt hugely isolated and that we'd been completely tossed out to sea with no life raft. All the support I imagined I'd have was gone. But we're slowly getting through it and focusing on the positives - my partner is wfh abd has had so much more time to help me and bond with the baby. We are doing this on our own, working out our own way of parenting without unwelcome interference. Every day we remind each other of how well we're doing, gicen the circumstances, and enjoying all this time to simply be a family.

It sounds like you really a really tough jourbeu to get here - please remember how far you've come and how brilliantly you're doing. It will get better. And if it doesn't, please reach out to your GP or health visitor for support. NCT are running lots of online meet ups for new mums, have a look on their website and your local one.

Wishing you all the best

Talk to your HV, you have just about every trigger for PND that exists. She may we’ll be able to offer you some additional support or point you in the right direction for meeting other new mums.

Try to have a small outing or aim each day and make sure you talk to someone every day. Doesn’t have to be much. And don’t be afraid to tell people you are finding life pretty tough- just look at all the answers you have here, almost everyone saying how hard it was. And that’s without all your other issues.

It gets better but if you reach out for support it could get better a bit more quickly.

Pop over to the infertility boards and remind yourself you are lucky.

Ah fuck off.

OP, I found the first few months absolutely horrendous, I hated it. I was ashamed to admit it, but the relentless monotony, my body felt like it was falling to pieces, it was a real struggle. It's sounds cliche and when you are in the middle of it it's hard to believe, but for me anyway it definitely got better. I don't know if it was because my body was feeling a lot better and the hormones had levelled out, or because I was more confident in what I was doing etc. But I empathise and hope you start to feel better about it all soon.

*Pop over to the infertility boards and remind yourself you are lucky.

Ah fuck off.*

I have no desire to argue and derail this. However, I can tell you after going through 5 IVF rounds 2 ectopic pregnancies and 6 years of longing for a baby that I would have given anything for, when I was tired or the twins were setting each other off I reminded myself of how much I had been through to get there and how many people would give anything and everything to have a crying baby to care for. It got me through. Nothing about having a baby was as hard as not having one.

OP I'm sorry you have also had a long journey to get here. It is heartbreaking.

OP you will still be processing all the other trauma That preceded your pregnancy. I think our brains get used to the rollercoaster. It takes a while to adjust. Plus the hormones and the lack of sleep.

You’re doing a fabulous job. If you can, see if you can reach out to your HV and see if there is anything locally available

I have no desire to argue and derail this. However, I can tell you after going through 5 IVF rounds 2 ectopic pregnancies and 6 years of longing for a baby that I would have given anything for, when I was tired or the twins were setting each other off I reminded myself of how much I had been through to get there and how many people would give anything and everything to have a crying baby to care for. It got me through. Nothing about having a baby was as hard as not having one.

Women are still allowed to struggle, their feelings are valid and having lost a friend to PND because she felt too ashamed to ask for help as she thought she should feel grateful and not complain, your stance is dangerous.

"Nothing about having a baby was as hard as not having one. "

That was your coping mechanism and I'm glad it worked for you. However for many this can compound their negative feelings as it adds a layer of guilt into the mix. Feeling that you should feel grateful, that you shouldn't be feeling this way is not helpful, and can be really detrimental.

I appreciate your intentions were good, but this strategy can easily backfire and spiral someone further down.

I can't believe someone can be so unkind to a new mum who is struggling. What is wrong with you?

Christ, yes, new babies are torturous! I remember being a few weeks in & feeling that I’d ruined our lives forever. I just hated those first few months, the sleep deprivation, the endless feeding, the feeling like shit most of the time. I do not like the newborn stage AT ALL.

The good news is that, at this age, they change really quickly. Within a few weeks things will have changed, and they just keep changing, sometimes for the worse but generally for the better. Gradually they feed less often, they sleep for longer periods & you start to get some interaction going, which makes things feel a bit better.

I haven’t really got any advice, you just have to keep plodding & one day it’ll just feel better. Try to get out every day, even if it’s just for a walk round the block.

Mine at 2 & 4 now, they light up my world & I genuinely enjoy them.

Oh it's really fecking hard time, I was utterly miserable. I relate to the milk cow.
BUT it gets better! I promise.

Hang in there.

It's so bloody hard isn't it? My daughter is 13 weeks old so I gave birth a few days before going in to lockdown and very much feeling the new mum isolation.

It’s really tough but it does get so much better...

I felt exactly like this with my 1st baby (ended up having 4 - would never have even considered 2 in those early days..).

I found small things like planning a walk, a tv programme, a nice meal etc..would help to get through those early days.

Once you can then start going to baby classes..(it must be doubly tough at the moment), it will also make it easier.

I breastfed all 4 of mine until about 9 months but combination fed from 6-9 weeks. Just one bottle of formula a day lifted my spirits massively, I just felt that a weight had been lifted from my shoulders that I wasn’t the only one relied on if that makes sense..I didn’t introduce a second bottle a day for a few months after but it was just the thought that someone else could provide that gave me that sense of freedom.

Good luck - it will get so much better!

I can relate.

A turning point for me was after my little one smiled at me for the first time (way beyond 6 weeks, think it may have been 8 or 9 wks - though she was smiling for DH).

Hope it gets better for you