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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU by being annoyed at not being invited to family what’s app?

30 replies

Regretful123 · 15/06/2020 17:48

I live in London and family line in Australia. They have had a family what’s app with all my siblings and parents on it - plus partners

I wasn’t added because I’m overseas and apparently it was “just boring stuff” they would talk about. Since I’ve been on it, pregnancy, photos and family Christmas meals have been arranged.

AIBU for being upset I’m not on it?

OP posts:
GreyWall · 15/06/2020 17:49

That's horrible

happytoday73 · 15/06/2020 17:50

I'd be upset. Have you explained to organiser that one of the things you really miss is the day to day stuff they'd cover on there...

MolyHolyGuacamole · 15/06/2020 17:52

I also live away from my family. We have a group that's for us, just those in our immediate family. Then there's a slightly larger extended one specific to the country that everyone lives in, and that's where meals etc are organised.

I'd suggest just making one and adding them to it. They probably don't even consider it

Original poster
Regretful123 · 15/06/2020 18:06

They excluded me from other stuff so I think they just think I’m too far away. I don’t know.

OP posts:
PiggyPlumPie · 15/06/2020 18:11

I live in NE Scotland and all my family are in the East Midlands.

I didn't get invited to my Dad's surprise 80th party or even a heads-up that one was taking place. I found out when my Dad sent me photos. Even my BILs mum was there.

It hurts but I don't think there's an answer. We did query it but got vague excuses about it being short notice.

I think it's out of sight, out of mind.

Original poster
Regretful123 · 15/06/2020 18:15

@Piggy so your dad thought it was ok you weren’t invited?

OP posts:
AdultierAdult · 15/06/2020 18:18

Eep we have one with SIL who lives in NZ and one without her. The one without is where we arrange Sunday lunch and organise dropping off of borrowed things, babysitting etc. My in laws set them up. She is definitely the favourite so I can only assume it was so she wouldn’t feel sad at all the things we do without her!

Lweji · 15/06/2020 18:20

The point of whatsapp is to keep people in contact, surely.
Did they set it up for lockdown?

I agree that you should set up another group to include everyone. Once you start sharing your stuff it will seem normal to include everyone, and keep the local group just to arrange meetings?
Even though, my family has had birthdays over whatsapp. It would have been nice to include you via a remote meeting service, even if for a few moments.

Happynow001 · 15/06/2020 18:22

@PiggyPlumPie

I think it's out of sight, out of mind.
I wonder whether that would still be the case if your help was needed by them though?

Leaving you out does sound mean and the vague excuses hurtful. If you had known about your dad's surprise birthday it would have given you the option of arranging to attend. I bet your dad was dad you were not there.

Happynow001 · 15/06/2020 18:26

@Regretful123

I don't blame you for being hurt. I would also be - especially knowing about the extended list. Sometimes just being included in the news, even if you can't participate in events, is nice and keeps you in the family loop. I have siblings living in three different countries - they and their partners and children are ALL included because they are family. 🌹

DilemmaADay · 15/06/2020 18:30

Op are you and your family Australian? Do you think they are of the mentality that as you no longer live there, its difficult to maintain the sort of relationship where youd just 'pop around for 10 minutes'

A lot of the messages might be stuff that they feel is not relevant to you (eg. Did you know the postman retiring this year, I saw so and so's neighbour having a yard sale earlier) and they think it will bore you.

Also WhatsApp group chats are a big novelty at first but after a few months people will start to get cheesed off with it, mute the group, bitch to others (did you see what so and so put in the group etc....) it's just a whole load of unnecessary drama.

For the record you are definitely not being unreasonable, I'm just trying to offer some possibilities

Pipandmum · 15/06/2020 18:30

Point out that the fact you are so far away is the very reason you should be included! Stop feeling it DO something about it! How heartless for anyone to refuse you joining.

PiggyPlumPie · 15/06/2020 18:35

@Regretful123 @happytoday73

I'm one of six and the others were there apart from DB who is in USA. I don't think my Dad was bothered at all by my absence.

I would have been happy if someone had let me know what was happening. The chances are that I wouldn't have been able to go at short notice but it would have been nice to have the choice. I could have sent a video message or something.

I was so upset that DH actually called them saying as much but I don't think it sank in.

Still I'm far enough away not to be on call!

Original poster
Regretful123 · 15/06/2020 18:37

So they would have things like Christmas meals, christenings, secret Santa etc all arranged via the app.
I wouldn’t get a “hey you prob can’t attend but here’s an invite” for events.

OP posts:
Original poster
Regretful123 · 15/06/2020 18:39

@PiggyPlumPie but at what “short notice”. Celebrations like that are planned in advance because they are a key date. 60/70/80 year old etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Regretful123 · 15/06/2020 18:40

@DilemmaADay my issue is more that no one invites me to anything.

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 15/06/2020 18:42

I get you are hurt, but I think they have done it so you aren't constantly missing what is going on. If i is organising stuff like, in-person visits, then I am not surprised they've only included people who live nearby. My family live abroad and they have groups without me but there's really no need for me to be in group chats abot planning dinner together

BackforGood · 15/06/2020 18:52

What @ErickBroch said.
I would assume that they might think it would upset you to know they are all going for a meal, or whatever that you obviously can't attend.

Though, if I moved abroad, I would probably have created a WhatsApp group to keep in touch if there weren't one already.
Have you done that ?

DilemmaADay · 15/06/2020 19:15

@Regretful123
Maybe they know it would seem like they're rubbing it in your face talking about meeting in the local park or the pub knowing it's something not worth you travelling half way around the world for. I totally sympathise though and would feel exactly the same

MagisCapulus · 15/06/2020 19:20

No excuse really. My family is in Australia and we have one . Of course, meals etc get arranged and I am like have fun! Of course, I cannot attend being halfway across the world! But yes, it is the day to day chats I would miss, so I can understand your hurt.

Have you told them you are feleing left out?

Original poster
Regretful123 · 15/06/2020 19:26

I’m not getting told about christenings or family meals - we all live apart so they don’t go to Spoons on the weekend for a quick curry for example.

If they go on holiday together they have separate groups for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Regretful123 · 15/06/2020 19:27

@MagisCapulus yes and they said “oh you are overseas”.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 15/06/2020 19:41

That's horrible and mean.

We have a family WhatsApp, and ALL relatives are welcome regardless of where they live.

AdoptedBumpkin · 15/06/2020 19:47

Seems bad but maybe they don't want to keep reminding you how far away they are and what you are missing.

ginghamstarfish · 15/06/2020 19:54

Yes, I have a similar situation. At the start of lockdown SIL started a group for her mum (MIL), my DH her brother, and a cousin they are close with. DH gets pings from them all day, and occasionally says there's a comment about showing something to me, or a question meant for me. I have told the cousin that as I'm not included in the group I can't see these things and so can't respond.... DH says he can't add me, as his sister started the group, to which I reply ok but don't bother showing me those posts as I'm clearly not meant to see most of it! Yes it's a bit petty but annoying, like THEY are family and I'm not (although married for 20 years).