Calling all parents of fussy eaters for advice - how do you deal with it?

[magicmallow]

Hi all, posting for traffic, not really an AIBU (sorry).

No offence but I'm not really looking for advice from kids that eat everything or are non-fussy. It seems to me there are some kids that will eat, and others that won't, and some kids that there is little you can do to change it if they are fussy.

I want advice from mums and dads that have actually got fussy eaters. My DD is 7. She has always been particular.

She will eat plain vegetables, chips, veggie frozen foods e.g. sausages, burgers etc, plain spaghetti, rice, popadoms, jacket potatoes, bread, yogurt, pizza etc. Basically plain food.

when it comes to cooked foods or anything with a sauce or mixed together she flat out refuses to eat it. She will take a small bite but always without fail she "doesn't like it". I avoid getting confrontational about it but I find it very wearing.

She will only eat certain brands of foods e.g. one type of sausage roll, if there is a spec of a herb on something she won't eat it, if the plain spaghetti has a tiny bit of oil or salt it's a no. (This does my head in).

So I try so hard to cater to her tastes e.g. making potato fritters like the ones she eats at school, macaroni cheese (she will only eat the school one), etc etc, foods I do not want to cook but try, she still says she doesn't like them - it's almost like she hates it before she's even tasted it. (NB I am not a bad cook!).

I find it very very wearing. I do not want to eat beige food. I have to cook two separate dinners or include some items she wants to eat and inevitably she leaves my food.

I've tried everything from coaxing, to being non-plussed when she won't eat them, to praising good behaviour, offering choices.

I'm slowly being worn into the ground.

I want to be able to enjoy some more foods together but I feel like I am bashing my head against a wall. I really do try to avoid it becoming a control issue so I don't do any forcing. A bite that's it!

I'm depressed that I am not making more progress.

So, parents of fussy eaters how do you deal with your child's fussy eating - have you just accepted it? Found any tips and tricks that work? Books? Recommendations?

I feel like I should give up to be honest, it feels like an uphill struggle that I am never going to win, with tons of wasted time and food in the process, it's wearing me out mentally (even if DD is oblivious).

Many thanks

Thank you everyone, some fantastic points here.

I don't think it's ARFID (fortunately!), nor sensory processing or ASD as far as I can tell. She's healthy and happy, and not underweight. She is also maybe a bit more adventurous than I give her credit for, maybe it's just a slow changing thing that I need to accept.

I think it's more a combination of stubbornness, and tastebuds and also as an only child she does not get to eat around other kids often (no siblings to bounce off of). I have noticed when other kids are eating a lot of foods she will often willingly partake (a shame we have few out of school kids we mingle with enough to eat with!). A lot of the foods she does eat came from the nursery setting and school kids eating together.

@picak thanks. I was told by an idiot guy that "fussy children is ALWAYS the mothers fault" laying the blame squarely at my feet which really irked me. Twat.

I really am very careful to avoid control issues around food as well as avoiding punishments etc. So on the whole she is a happy eater albeit restricted. I do feel sometimes when there is a speck of herb on an otherwise perfect plate it's a test of my boundaries though which is maddening.

This thread is really helpful, thanks for starting it OP.

I’ve been growing in frustration at DD (6) who will at the drop of a hat proclaim that she hates a particular food (despite eating it a few days ago) or (like other posters) will refuse anything “with bits” (aka herbs).

I’ll be honest I’ve not handled it well by am going to take the advice given here and do better for her.

@PicaK DS has ARFID. I always do a little eye roll when well-meaning types tell me he won't starve to death and I should stand firm because he'll eat when he's hungry, except he won't eat when he's hungry and he will starve himself. People don't know a lot about it and think it's just fussiness so thank you for mentioning it.

So I was this child when I was younger and lived on plain pasta and plain rice. Wouldnt even eat vegetables.

I wouldnt despair too much, as I got older I started being more open to trying new foods, and now will eat a much more varied diet (although I occasionally crave plain food).

If it's a case of eating food vs not eating then I would allow plain food to continue. Honestly it did me little harm as a child, I was still athletic and full of energy. Sometimes variations in my diet had to be included in different ways. Eg I would eat ham or meat, but by the slice and not mixed in sauce (as I got older eg high school).

Be very careful forcing her to eat anything that she is utterly resistant to. There are a few foods now that I absolutely will not touch, although I dont find the taste displesent but it makes me recoil such as peas and the texture of beans and especially baked beans as they were repeatedly given to me in a attempt to get me to eat them and now I cannot tolerate them at all. Although I will eat around the peas in pasta bakes or meals were there mixed in.

And I say that as someone who will tell my children to eat something new or to try it, and be pedantic. But they will both eat most things, each week they decide they dont like something theyve eaten before and will ask for a week later, so I have no concerns over food aversion. If they were like me when I was a child regarding eating then I wouldnt consider forcing them to eat something they absolutely could not tolerate, and would work around it.

She sounds completely normal.

I make 4 variations of the same dinner for my 4 every night.

One won't have sauce on her pasta, just plain, no cheese. One will have cheese but no sauce, one will have sauce but no cheese.

One won't eat chips, one won't eat the breadcrumbs on nuggets or fish fingers. One won't eat green things, one won't eat fruit, one won't eat yogurt or anything creamy/runny/sticky.

It's exhausting. But it really bloody normal. Just give her food she will eat and try to encourage a little something different occasionally.

As a child I was a "fussy" eater. The textures of foods used to make me really want to be sick and I couldn't bear anything that had "lumps in wet", so pasta and sauce or a stew or most soups.

I agree wholeheartedly with the method being put forward involving "safe" foods with little bits of others.

I disagree with leaving the child hungry if they don't like what they are served.

I now eat broadly normally, except for a few food intolerances.

My grandparents once decided that I would learn to stop being fussy while I stayed with them. I was fed nothing I wanted to eat and I ate nothing for the 4 days I was there. Do not assume that children will suddenly eat food they hate because they are hungry - there have been rare instances where children have been hospitalised due to malnutrition because of this.

Opportunities to try without issues and if she's happy to take a bite and repeat and repeat I would be pleased with that. After many repetitions she will probably like it.

Cook what you want to eat, keep foods and sauces separate on the table so you can add your own as far as possible, and add something she'll eat onto the table as well.

It took me til I was in my mid twenties to be prepared to pour sauce all over food as a deliberate decision rather than choosing what to dip in.

Mine are even fussier than yours and to make matters worse, they both like mainly different things!

I find that eating together as a family helps but still rarely do it as they go to their dads (different days as well!!) and I don't like eating the boring and limited kids' food.

Also introducing one disliked item at a time with a meal they like. I will read for advice actually as what I do clearly isn't working too well

I have a "beige" eater except mine won't eat rice or pasta !!

I've given up battling.

He's healthy, eats plenty of fruit, he'll snack on carrots and yoghurt and isn't one for constantly eating "crap" like crisps, biscuits and sweets - he understands these are for "treats".

He isn't overweight or underweight so I've stopped worrying.

He does eat more variety at school but I cannot get him to eat the same/similar stuff at home,

I was the same as a child and as soon as I turned 15/16 I started eating different things, now I will literally eat anything so I'm hoping he will be the same.

DS1 super fussy. Skinny and always has problems pooing (sorry TMI) - he's either constipated or loose with not much in between. He is 11 and starting to try new foods now.

I have tried lots of things - probably the most successful was "You are allowed to have a list of 5 disliked foods. I will not serve you those foods." If he wanted to change an item on the list he had to try the food he wanted to add to the list (to make sure it was really that bad) and he had to eat some of the food he was usurping from the list. This was because I reckon part of it is that because he's not especially food-motivated and doesn't mind being hungry, he would hold out for foods that were his favourites and not eat anything that didn't reach that top tier. So I was trying to expand his palate into favourites / tolerable / disgusting and getting him to consider tolerable as worth eating rather than just being bundled in with disgusting.

DS2 loves food and will eat anything I am firmly convinced it is just the child's personality.

I have one with ASD who is food restrictive/avoidant, and one who is Fussy, possibly for the same reasons, but she isn't nearly as bad as her brother.

we have 2 cooked meals they will share with us, so I make those on a Tuesday/Thursday. We have chippy tea and Chinese take away once a week

The other 3 days a week, I cook for them.. so their pizza, chips, nuggets, sausages...etc, and then cook for myself and the other adult in the house separately.

It really isn't worth the stress and hassle to yourself to try and do anything, having a severely avoidant/restrictive eater taught me that its better they eat something, than create battles and stress at food time.

Just keep encouraging them here and there to try things, without any pressure to like it, and be ok with them spitting it out without getting mad/angry with them.

I did a course about it!

The teacher told us that our job as parents was 'to put healthy food up in front of our children and that's it'

No chasing, begging, spooning, pleading. Just give it all up. She said if there is something healthy that they will eat, just give them that and don't be agonizing about variety or anything like that.

There was one poor woman and her son would only eat one type of yogurt, one brand and she actually was terrified that Aldi would change the label and her son would die of the hunger. Now that's a real problem!

All of the kids had sensory issues, it sounds like you are doing great, just take the stress off yourself about this. It's just the way she is, worrying about this is the same as wringing your hands hoping her hair colour will change, there is no point, this is just the way she is.

Good luck.

I didn't expect them to eat the odd thing they really didn't like, but apart from this they ate what was given or went without.
meal in fridge for next day.
They'll all try it if you let them, and up to you if you give in for a quiet life.
I think ours lasted a couple of meals with their fussiness. They soon learn.
I've seen ds1 the same with his dd, although she is young not yet two so it's done gradually as tastes can differ a lot at this age.
He doesn't stand any messing, though.

Plastic picnic plates with sections changed my life with DD1.
If a new food touched a trusted food she would refuse to eat trusted food - it was CONTAMINATED!!!!
I bought three bright orange plastic plates in a charity shop - two sections would be filled with trusted foods and third with new food. She was required to try new food.
She is now 18 and eats everything pretty much but it took until she was 9 with those plastic plates and until she was 13ish to get happy with food in sauce!
DD2 ate everything from day 1 - nature not nurture. Both at NT btw.

Following with interest as I have 6 year old who will only eat cereal, different types of bread, fruit & yoghurts 😓really worries me as he is so active....loves all sports but not getting anywhere near enough protein....

Just wanted to say, they do usually grow out of it. Mine are young adults and eat pretty much anything now (one still can't stand mushrooms)

They both went through fussy phases lasting several years where they didn't like spicy/saucy things amongst other things. One thing I would say is get them cooking, watching cooking shows on tv (especially if you can find any with kids on like junior master chef) anything to build their interest in food.

Abk - my brother wasn't getting enough protein but he liked protein shakes (I think from my protein) so my parents supplemented his diet with that in the end, on doctors advice.

Ds was always fussy though not too bad really. I didn't stress and tried to cater to him a bit where possible so always had one thing on the table/plate that I knew he would probably eat. He was also often willing to try a bite of something new though didn't often then start eating it much

Unfortunately recently at 15 he has developed depression (to do with school) and in an attempt to get him to stay at the table with us a bit to encourage some interaction, I started only cooking food I knew he liked. Unfortunately that is such a small and unhealthy list that we now often eat different meals which is what I had managed to avoid until now so I'm afraid we haven't cracked it at all, in fact it is probably worse now than when he was younger.

His allowed foods are:
Pasta with smooth tomato sauce (no bits) or pesto or cheese sauce,
Rice - specifically pea risotto but plain cheesy risotto is ok too
Potatoes - Mashed or jacket or chips
bread and cheese, margarita pizza (basically bread and cheese two ways)

Cheese and onion pasties, veggie sausage rolls or quorn escalopes .

Also takeaway veggie burgers. Any home made ones (I have tried over 30 recipes) are rejected
some yoghurts
Cereal and milk
The only veg he eats (very very rarely) are :peas (generally only in pea risotto) and roasted butternut sqaush (only when added to macaroni cheese), also - cucumber, lettuce, carrot and celery.

Also if I cook fish (for me as I like it), he actually retches and needs to leave the house so I often can't eat things I like,. He isn't too keen on the smell of egg in omelettes and scrambled egg but has learnt to tolerate it, though he generally won't sit at the table to eat with us if we are eating eggs.

I have as two of these! Spent my life making bread and butter sandwiches for school. Plain pasta at home. Both of them started eating different foods once they became teenagers. It happened about 14, 15 and they eat food covered in sauce. They wouldn't even eat tomorrow ketchup.

Our DD is 13 and is getting more restrictive in her diet, to the point that she's actually starting to worry about it because it is not a choice to avoid so many foods. They just make her feel sick, some of them she just has to think about them to feel sick.

We're going to look into taking to a dietician once life gets back to normal to support her.

I try not to take it personally or worry too much.

Ds has asd and dd certainly has traits. Ds gets a separate meal but I try and relate it to ours. So he will have plain pasta when we have pasta bake etc. Hr will eat carrot sticks if you leave them in the vicinity when he is on his tablet or watching tv.

I bought dd some heart formed dishes (from tiger) and some forms for eggs from wish. That and making faces in the food etc sometimes works. Ds loves pirate eggs. Sometimes when Ive made her something else she wants to try what we're having - then next time we have it she can have some too.

Sometimes shes more willing to try things in her lunchbox than at home. Yesterday she didnt like blueberries but wanted grapes. Today I put blueberries and grapes on skewers in her lunch and theyve all gone.

You have to ignore all the well meaning advice around how to stop kids being fussy.
If you haven't had a child who is a particular eater you really don't get it. DH has a friend who thinks he is a great parent because his kids eat whatever they're offered. It's very irritating.
One thing I would suggest that might be an issue is when a child begins to increasingly eliminate foods they have eaten before or develop an aversion to fattening foods or want only to eat 'clean' food. I would seek proper advice.

I wont make more than one meal unless dp and I want something special/super spicy. There's always something that they will eat on the plate, the only rule is they have to try a little of everything. They can leave what they don't want to eat but they won't get anything else. There's no alternative. They can have milk at bedtime. Otherwise it's wait to the next meal.

My son is more fussy than his sister who eats most things. I keep food on his plate separate so he can eat what he likes eg. boiled carrots separate from peas and he can then mix if he wants. He will not eat lamb mince burgers but doesn't seem to mind chicken mince so I use that for burgers. He doesn't like ketchup, mayo or any other condiment as yet but will have plain yoghurt with honey. He also takes an age to eat and I used to sit for an hour to get him to eat his very small toddler portion. I now give him 30 minutes to eat as much as he is going to eat. He still has a cup of milk a day ( is nearly 3) but used to have more and I find that has helped getting him to eat his meals. I still cook separately for my two as they are toddlers and can't yet handle the spiciness of my adult food. I could theoretically lower the spices I use but I have no desire to eat beige food so it is a trade off.

If weight gain is a concern pick your battles and just cook what you know she will eat. I also cool the same meal for my two as we will have. So for instance today we are having grilled chicken with Mediterranean vegetables and garlic and parmesan (I use hard cheese as parmesan is not vegetarian) wedges, the kids are having their version of the grilled chicken, same vegetables and plain wedges. I have used the exact same spices to marinade the chicken but in lesser quantities. We always aim to eat the evening meal together and I find the kids are less likely to kick up a fuss if they see mummy and daddy are eating the same thing.

I didn't expect them to eat the odd thing they really didn't like, but apart from this they ate what was given or went without.
meal in fridge for next day.
They'll all try it if you let them, and up to you if you give in for a quiet life.
I think ours lasted a couple of meals with their fussiness. grin They soon learn.
I've seen ds1 the same with his dd, although she is young not yet two so it's done gradually as tastes can differ a lot at this age.
He doesn't stand any messing, though.

My parents did that with me. I cried and heaved my way through many a meal.

And to this day (I'm late 60s) I still don't eat what was forced on me.

So that horrible way of forcing children doesn't always work.