Calling all parents of fussy eaters for advice - how do you deal with it?

[magicmallow]

Hi all, posting for traffic, not really an AIBU (sorry).

No offence but I'm not really looking for advice from kids that eat everything or are non-fussy. It seems to me there are some kids that will eat, and others that won't, and some kids that there is little you can do to change it if they are fussy.

I want advice from mums and dads that have actually got fussy eaters. My DD is 7. She has always been particular.

She will eat plain vegetables, chips, veggie frozen foods e.g. sausages, burgers etc, plain spaghetti, rice, popadoms, jacket potatoes, bread, yogurt, pizza etc. Basically plain food.

when it comes to cooked foods or anything with a sauce or mixed together she flat out refuses to eat it. She will take a small bite but always without fail she "doesn't like it". I avoid getting confrontational about it but I find it very wearing.

She will only eat certain brands of foods e.g. one type of sausage roll, if there is a spec of a herb on something she won't eat it, if the plain spaghetti has a tiny bit of oil or salt it's a no. (This does my head in).

So I try so hard to cater to her tastes e.g. making potato fritters like the ones she eats at school, macaroni cheese (she will only eat the school one), etc etc, foods I do not want to cook but try, she still says she doesn't like them - it's almost like she hates it before she's even tasted it. (NB I am not a bad cook!).

I find it very very wearing. I do not want to eat beige food. I have to cook two separate dinners or include some items she wants to eat and inevitably she leaves my food.

I've tried everything from coaxing, to being non-plussed when she won't eat them, to praising good behaviour, offering choices.

I'm slowly being worn into the ground.

I want to be able to enjoy some more foods together but I feel like I am bashing my head against a wall. I really do try to avoid it becoming a control issue so I don't do any forcing. A bite that's it!

I'm depressed that I am not making more progress.

So, parents of fussy eaters how do you deal with your child's fussy eating - have you just accepted it? Found any tips and tricks that work? Books? Recommendations?

I feel like I should give up to be honest, it feels like an uphill struggle that I am never going to win, with tons of wasted time and food in the process, it's wearing me out mentally (even if DD is oblivious).

Many thanks

[aquashiv]

I've taught them to cook so they control what's being eaten. They have to show respect and try what the other cooks mostly they do.

[CaveMum]

Both of mine did BLW - one fussy, one eats everything in sight (except “leaves” - aka salad)

[BertieBotts]

Also have the picky BLW baby and the human dustbin baby that insisted on puree!

I think the idea that BLW has any effect on fussiness was only ever a theory, never proven or even tested.

[Purpleartichoke]

Extreme pickiness to the point of having g to be specific brands was a major factor in my dd being diagnosed as ASD when she was 10. Once we had a diagnosis, it was easier to just accept. We still offer new foods and ask her to try them, but we pick ones that seem like they might be successful. We also only do it at home where gagging episodes can be private. In public or with guests we never push.

[Booboostwo]

I did purées with my DD and she eats everything, I did BLW with my DS and he eats nothing. Go figure.

OP the reason why bribery is not recommended is that a) it increases pressure and anxiety around food and b) it doesn’t achieve anything.

[ItsmineAllmine]

Yes, we did BLW with my son, as he refused to be spoon fed anything. I don't remember when he went from eating lots of things to eating very little.

We did purees with my daughter and she will eat absolutely anything.

[BankofNook]

To be fair, he was a poor eater from the get go and wouldn't even entertain solids until almost 8m at which point he still rejected most of what was offered.

[BankofNook]

Having weaned four children I can state anecdotally that BLW vs pureeing made no difference. My DC that preferred puree is my most adventurous eater, the one that was predominantly fed finger foods has ARFID.

[Floatyboat]

Did anyone else with a fussy eating child do baby led weaning?

I'm wondering if baby led weaning should be recommended as a way of reducing the chances of the becoming fussy. It seems kind of intuitive that using puree and sweetened food is a bad idea.

[magicmallow]

@Itsmineallmine - I do agree sometimes bribery does work and if it gets them to like a new thing what's the bother? Provided it's not being forced on them or a regular thing. It's rather demonised as a tactic though by a lot of people.

[ItsmineAllmine]

My son (nearly 5) has been an unbearably fussy eater. I am very worried about him starting school because he is so limited in what he chooses to eat. He won't even eat a sandwich, just plain bread and butter.

He has never eaten the snack they provide at nursery in the 2 years he was there. And they offered such a variety of things, he would never even try it. So everyone who says 'oh don't worry, he will eat when he is hungry'...well he won't! He is extremely stubborn and if he decides he doesn't want something then he's just not interested.

Smiley faces, tuna or plain chicken, and broccoli was basically all he ate for dinner. He just point blanked refused to try anything different until about 2 months ago where it all changed. It goes against a lot of the advice but I just got fed up of having to make him different food every single night so one night I basically bribed him to try 3 mouthfuls of a pasta dish I'd made. If he ate it, he would get a toy. It took him about 30 mins, and I ended up spoon feeding it to him, but he ate it, got his toy, realised he actually liked the taste of it and asked for more. I was amazed as he would actually shudder at the thought of eating anything 'mixed in' before this. Ive tried similar since and while he doesn't always like everything, he is now much more open to trying or at least tasting new foods. It's liked it has spiked his curiosity so he will ask for a bite of something I'm eating or whatever, when this wouldn't have happened before. Anyway, he still refuses to eat a LOT of things, but i have a couple of 'family meals' i can now cook that he will tolerate, so I'm just working on adding to that!

Just to add - I was 90% sure there wasn't any underlying reason for his 'fussiness' - so thought a bit of bribery was worth a try.

[TheNavigator]

I was a fussy eater who grew out of it and I had a fussy eater who has grown out of it. My observations/experience:

One of the great things about my mum was that, unusually for a 70s childhood, she didn't force me to eat things I didn't want.

I would dread going to friends or relatives houses because I would be scared I would be made to eat - if you don't want to put something in your mouth and swallow it, it is pretty abusive to be forced to. I learned later my lovely mum would have a word with parents about what I would eat, so that didn't happen.

I did the same with my daughter, because it worked for me.

I am not fussy now, but - I am petite and slim, I naturally have a small appetite. My daughter is the same, much taller than me but finds it easy to stop eating when she has had enough. I think the fact I was never forced to over ride my natural food instincts has protected me from the adult obesity epidemic.

I also think the fussiness was linked to the fact I am small - only 5 foot 1 - I didn't need that much food to grow and my body was self regulating. Of course I don't need as much food as a 6 foot bloke or someone who was going to grow into that.

So in summary, relax, support your child, never force them to eat and never make food a big issue. Adult obesity is a far greater health risk than child fussiness.

[LipstickTaserrr]

You have described my child too! DD is 6 and absolutely will not touch anything mixed up or in a sauce. Any food is closely inspected and a stray herb would contaminate the whole plate.
To complicate matters she has food allergies that were late diagnosed causing a mistrust of new or mixed up food. Between what she can't eat and won't eat there isn't much left but I've also gone with the little bit of new along with the old. She is very slowly agreeing to tiny tastes of new foods but it is so hard not to get frustrated.
My DS is a lot younger with the same allergies but he's a little dustbin and will eat anything I give him so I'm just hoping he doesn't copy her!

[Shutupyoutart]

My DD (5) is a very picky eater. She eats sandwiches, toast, yoghurts,cereal, pancakes, grapes and plain pasta with cheese and that's it. She literally has cheese and pasta for dinner every night. I've tried all sorts of different things none has helped but she does like smoothies so that's a good way of getting some fruit into her. I've stopped stressing op I just let her eat what she wants while still encouraging her to try other things. It's frustrating having to make pasta for her every night when everyone is eating something different but I'm hoping she will grow out of it. She's very healthy so I'm not worried 😊 sorry don't have much advice just keep trying to encourage her to try new things and try not to stress as long as she is getting enough and is healthy.

[Sorryusernamealreadyexists]

We’ve gone a lot of food therapy over the years, my eldest is ASD/SPD and has gone through phases of very very fussy eating, or one food. These are the things that helped.
•Buffet picky type meals on the table, add some of their favourite so you know they won’t go hungry, encourage to try something else but don’t stress if they don’t eat. Even if they put it on their plate really celebrate it!
•Rightly or wrongly, we started using a sectioned plate (when he was 9) and it’s been the single thing that has encouraged him most.
•Dependant on age, some conversation or learning about healthy foods and what they do for your body... never that they’ll make you fat, more about what each food does. Sugar will make you feel hyper, fruit helps you poo, eggs/protein make you strong etc
•When he did food therapy they did a lot of playing with foods, squishing it in their hands, earning a star reward if they touch their hands then their lips with the food etc, some of the kids there lived on squeezie pouches and cake away with more foods.
• don’t stress :)

[user12345796]

My youngest son is like this.
I call it a battle not worth fighting. There¹s nothing wrong with only liking plain food. He is now 15 and growing just fine. He has identified something he likes in most types of restaurant (plain egg fried rice rtc) . His plain diet has some plain fruit and one plain vegetable. He eats a lot of plain boiled eggs! Either he will get more adventurous or he won't but I can't worry about it.

[Slippingcareer]

I was a fussy eater, and at 36 I still am. There’s just a very long list of foods I don’t like the taste of. I wish I enjoyed more foods but I don’t. I still remember being forced to eat turnip as a child.

[Nowisthemonthofmaying]

Have you looked at the tiny tastes program? They've had a lot of success in studies.

[BarbedBloom]

This could be me. I was under a consultant as a child as I lost so much weight by not eating as my mother insisted I wouldn't starve if she kept serving me things I hated, except I did. To this day I will go hungry rather than eat something I don't like.

It was two things for me. I hated tomatoes and almost all meals my mum made had them in. The other was texture. To this day I I don't like wet food and prefer dry to sauces. But I do eat almost everything, it is just down to how it is served. I hate beans touching my food for example. I also love super spicy food, hotter the better.

The consultant recommended always having one thing on the table that I would eat. So you could serve bolognese which I wouldn't eat, but I would happily have the salad and garlic bread. Don't comment if they eat something new and let them know it is fine to try something and leave it if you don't like it. Don't make the dinner table a battleground ideally. That way you can try new foods rather than beige, but she still has something on the table she can eat.

[sashh]

irst of all stop beating yourself up, you didn't cause this, it is not your fault.


At 7 she is old enough to start cooking, especially if she likes plain pasta.

I'd do alternate meals, one she likes one day, one for everyone else and she can make sandwiches or pasta.

I have a close friend with a very limited diet, he was ill quite a lot as a child and each time he was ill he went off another food, his mum resorted to forcing him to eat, it didn't help.

Now he will occasionally try something.

One think that strikes me about your list is that it's not just beige but apart from the poppadoms it's quite mushy. I have a couple of cousins whose mum would say they couldn't be bothered to chew. They have expanded their tastes as they have got older.

[differentnameforthis]

I have noticed when other kids are eating a lot of foods she will often willingly partake - @magicmallow

Children often copy what their peers do in an effort to appear "normal" (wording used in attempt to describe only) because they are aware that they are different. This shouldn't be taken as sign that there are no other issues present, or that she "is capable" of eating different foods. Often known as masking too, as she is trying to hide who she is to fit in.

meal in fridge for next day ... They'll all try it if you let them, and up to you if you give in for a quiet life ... I think ours lasted a couple of meals with their fussiness ... They soon learn - @Devlesko

Then they are not fussy eaters if they "only lasted a couple of meals" With all due respect, your experience is not the same as some described on this thread.

My dd once went almost 24hrs without eating because this was my approach before I knew better. She only gave in because she sensed that I needed her to eat. She still doesn't eat well because she doesn't feel hunger, and doesn't see the point of eating "for the sake of it" despite being told that food is fuel etc...her body isn't hungry, therefore she won't eat!

@Nanny0gg Great post!!

[Norabird]

My eldest was super fussy (later diagnosed ASD). At the age of three, all they would eat was smiley faces, chicken nuggets, fish fingers, cucumber, carrot, bread, cheese, some cereal and fruit (thank goodness for the fruit). So to me, your list looks pretty good! They are still (at 16) fussy about some things, eg mashed potato (it's always about texture), but otherwise has turned into quite a foodie, eats adventurous stuff and does a fair bit of cooking.

Middle, was dream baby that ate anything, went a little fussy for a while, but at 13 is getting more adventurous.

Youngest is more complicated. Started out really well but got very sick at 2-3 years old and went off lots of food. Now, at nine, starting to slooooowly pick up new things.

My answer?

1. Patience and lots of it. This is a process and it will take time. There are no quick fixes.

1. Talk about it. Explain the benefits of eating more food. Not in a pressured way at mealtimes, but just in general conversation. It helps so much if they want to broaden their diet.

1. Sometimes I push them out of their comfort zone a little. I get them to taste something, or even just lick it if they're really struggling. Explain that they need to try something 20 times to get used to it and maybe like it.

1. Don't force them to eat something when they really don't want to. Conflict is not helpful.

1. Offer small amounts of new food alongside a meal that they are happy to eat.

1. Vitamin sweets.

Good luck!

[Beamur]

I'd not heard of ARFID as a diagnosis. But we have had 2 'fussy' eaters and found that the approach described above works well. DSD was always very slight but DD (around whom we've probably been more relaxed about eating) has always been a good weight, a healthy child - just very specific about what she would eat and when.
I don't think either of the girls have actively chosen this or enjoy it. I hate the judgement that they get from other people.
DSD commented recently that she feels a bit bad when friends invite her out for food because they tend to go to the same type of restaurants because of her preferred choices. But she's mindful of eating a balanced diet now and isn't as wary of trying new things (up to a point!).

[Dixiechickonhols]

Someone posted a link to ARFID on here and it fit my DD. She is 14. Definitely sensory issue - won’t have certain textures, sauces. Can’t cope if I eat certain stuff near her. Can tell if it’s wrong brand.

[PaperMonster]

@Nanny0gg well said.