Calling all parents of fussy eaters for advice - how do you deal with it?

[magicmallow]

Hi all, posting for traffic, not really an AIBU (sorry).

No offence but I'm not really looking for advice from kids that eat everything or are non-fussy. It seems to me there are some kids that will eat, and others that won't, and some kids that there is little you can do to change it if they are fussy.

I want advice from mums and dads that have actually got fussy eaters. My DD is 7. She has always been particular.

She will eat plain vegetables, chips, veggie frozen foods e.g. sausages, burgers etc, plain spaghetti, rice, popadoms, jacket potatoes, bread, yogurt, pizza etc. Basically plain food.

when it comes to cooked foods or anything with a sauce or mixed together she flat out refuses to eat it. She will take a small bite but always without fail she "doesn't like it". I avoid getting confrontational about it but I find it very wearing.

She will only eat certain brands of foods e.g. one type of sausage roll, if there is a spec of a herb on something she won't eat it, if the plain spaghetti has a tiny bit of oil or salt it's a no. (This does my head in).

So I try so hard to cater to her tastes e.g. making potato fritters like the ones she eats at school, macaroni cheese (she will only eat the school one), etc etc, foods I do not want to cook but try, she still says she doesn't like them - it's almost like she hates it before she's even tasted it. (NB I am not a bad cook!).

I find it very very wearing. I do not want to eat beige food. I have to cook two separate dinners or include some items she wants to eat and inevitably she leaves my food.

I've tried everything from coaxing, to being non-plussed when she won't eat them, to praising good behaviour, offering choices.

I'm slowly being worn into the ground.

I want to be able to enjoy some more foods together but I feel like I am bashing my head against a wall. I really do try to avoid it becoming a control issue so I don't do any forcing. A bite that's it!

I'm depressed that I am not making more progress.

So, parents of fussy eaters how do you deal with your child's fussy eating - have you just accepted it? Found any tips and tricks that work? Books? Recommendations?

I feel like I should give up to be honest, it feels like an uphill struggle that I am never going to win, with tons of wasted time and food in the process, it's wearing me out mentally (even if DD is oblivious).

Many thanks

I have a fussy almost 5 year old so just following.
His diet is more and more limited.
When i tell people what he does eat they act like he can't be fussy but its dinner time meals that are the problem.. And sandwiches.
He won't eat rice, pasta, meat (apart from chicken nuggets and greggs sausage rolls) or anything in a sauce.
Pretty much the only meals he will eat are nuggets and chips with veg or mash, veg and gravy.
He doesn't like cheese or beans either anymore. I'm starting to go a bit crazy with it because dinner time he really will just eat nothing unless its one of those 2.
We almost jumped for joy the other week when he tried plain spaghetti.

I mostly cook 2 meals which can be a bit of a chore but DH and I eat quite late anyway, so I've got used to it.
However we set up a routine a few years ago that we would cook something we liked on a sunday and the DC had to try it. (if it was a chilli for example, we would make it really mild) There would always be one aspect of the meal they could eat.
My most frustrating thing is when DD tries something, or eats something at someone elses house, I feel relieved and add to the list of permissable foods and then a few weeks later she denies all knowledge of ever eating or enjoying it!

I read a book called how to get the little buggers to eat or something. I dont think its appropriate if they have any sensory issues. Its helped a tiny bit.
It sounds like you're doing all the right things. I think you're meant to let them serve themselves and always include one thing they like. Pain in the ass to do though! Honestly one of mine is average and one very fussy which has been difficult for me as I'm really into food. It has improved since I let her drown her food in ketchup! Not really a great solution in terms of sugar intake but it keeps me sane!

she is catered to without resistance this may be part of your issue. You are now in a habit of feeding her what she wants.

Hi op I noticed that you mention she will eat some things at school but not at home?

You will probably find that at school, there are 200 kids and a handful of supervisors, and they get given a meal and left to it.

This is the approach I've been taking with DS, and over a long period of time it does help. Basically

• you offer one meal you are happy for them to eat. I personally would usually include one item I know they would eat eg a serving of peas, but not enough to fill up on it.

• you just leave them to it and say nothing if they eat nothing. They are in control.
• you do not offer an alternative. You do not give milk/yoghurt/toast when they are hungry two hours later.

It is a long game and requires patience.

Ps also

If she will take a single bite to try something, that's fab. Dont ask her if she likes it, and dont comment if she doesnt. Just say ok.then offer it again a couple of weeks later. I spent a whole year offering bites of ham to DS and quite suddenly he decided he really liked it. We are now trying the same with cheese.

I was a fussy eater and my parents tried everything too.
Being forced to eat something never helped, nor did reward charts or anything. I really strongly was disgusted by all the foods I didn't like. All I wanted was to not have to eat them.

Having a take it or leave it meal would just mean that I left it. It wouldn't make me eat the food.. Instead of cooking a whole meal for me, my parents would cook the same elements for everyone as well as ensure that they cooked some elements I liked too, so at least I was eating something. They would put all the food out on the table for us each to serve ourselves. It meant that it took the pressure off and allowed me to try tiny portions of my accord over the years alongside food I liked with no one watching over me or pressuring me to. As I tried these things, I slowly started adding them to my 'will eat' list and just slowly got less fussy with time.

So for example, one of my safe foods was rice. So for every meal, my parents would cook a side of rice. That meant that whilst everyone else served themselves chicken pie, potatoes, gravy and several veg, I would serve myself rice, take some of the chicken pie, and maybe one of the veg. With time, this came with me taking a tiny bit of the creamy sauce along with the chicken, and then with time a tiny bit of the pastry, and then maybe one potato (all alongside my safe food). Until one day, chicken pie was on my 'will eat' list and I'd happily serve myself it (but always the safe food there too).

The key thing for me was honestly just no pressure.

Oo I should have said - at age 7, I would pretty much only eat rice, chicken nuggets, eggs, baked beans, bread and sweetcorn.
I was still fussy but that list expanded by 12, still fussy but expanded by 14, still fussy but expanded by 16 and I was probably no longer fussy by about 17/18.

It will took me over my 20s to become truly non-fussy and eat everything! It's a long game OP.

It's frustrating so I do feel for you - you are doing your best!

She can't help being 'fussy', it isn't a choice (in most cases).

Don't make her eat what she doesn't like and do make her food that she does. If you do the whole 'eat this or go without', I guarantee she will go without.

Make sure she sees loads of different foods. Include her in shopping a cooking. Offer tiny tastes but accept refusal

Having school dinners can help because it can make them try things, and missing lunch can easily be rectified at hometime and dinner.

I eat way more than I did as a child but I certainly don't eat the variety that I should. I hate it but there's nothing I can do about it now.

DS(5) has been a fussy eater since he was 14 months old. It is incredibly frustrating and wearying isn’t it! He has just been discharged from the NHS Dietician after 18 months and 4 appointments. Their attitude is basically that as long as he is a healthy weight, growing well and in good health then there is not much you can do except keep offering a variety of foods and avoid junk food. The dietician said by the age of 6 he should be able to articulate why he will not try new foods (now he just says he doesn’t like the look of most food). He is slowly getting better which is the reason for the discharge.

I also did a self-referral for him to NHS Occupational Therapy and received a phone consultation. I was asked loads of questions to see if there was any indication of a sensory issue, and it was determined by the OT that he is just fussy and will likely grow out of it eventually.

Some
Basic fussy eater advice keeps appearing though :

• never cook separate meals. Serve the same food as everyone else is having but ensure there is at least one food on the plate that you know she will eat
• no eating toast etc later in the evening to compensate for not eating dinner
• keep snacks to a minimum and for younger kids in particular, don’t let them fill up on drinking milk as milk is a food

-try serving the food in the middle of the table for everyone to help themselves - this can be perceived as less threatening for a child who fears being served up food they don’t want to try on their plate

• don’t comment on what they do/don’t eat, or go OTT saying how delicious the meal is either
• get kids involved in food preparation and supermarket fruit/vege shopping (perhaps not the latter at the moment unless no choice of course)
• see if she will just try licking a new food sometimes, with no pressure to actually put it in her mouth or chew it.

Try reading the book Getting the Little Blighters to Eat - it’s a clear guide for ways to deal with fussy eating, written in short chapters so it’s an easy read.

I feel your pain! I have a DC like this and it drives me demented. We stopped eating out because when we tried a previously safe food (eg pizza) in a restaurant it would appear "with bits on it" or cooked in a slightly different way or looking a bit different which would render it completely inedible (without her even trying to taste it). The only place we could go was Pizza Express. Any sort of seasoning - eg pepper - would also render a meal completely inedible. She eats 4 vegetables, which we now have with every meal. (If I could never see a carrot again I would die happy). It continues to drive me potty and I hate it. We eat the same food at mealtimes but we adapt it, so for example everything is cooked without a sauce or any flavouring, and completely dry, we have sauce separately, and we do extra vegetables for DH and me. Turns out she has ASD and we're awaiting an Asperger's Syndrome assessment. She is now 14 and her range of foods is expanding, but painfully slowly. We just gave her what she would eat, thankfully there were vegetables and fruit involved so she just had a very plain, boring and repetitive diet without any seasonings or flavourings or sauces. As did we!

Mine has asd and gastrointestinal problems. So we have sensory issues, intolerances and psychological issues due to vomiting attacks.
The dietician spoke to him about trying one new food a week and recording if he liked it or not. So we had a list that grew and he liked that. Each week he'd choose which item he was going to try from a shortlist drawn up by me and dietitian and was encouraged to have it 3 times in that one week.
His diet is always going to be limited due to medical issues however we seem to have got over the hurdle of not trying anything new and not immediately disliking everything. He'll even eat 'mixed up food' now. It wasn't quick or easy but food hadn't been such a big issue for several years now and it's such a relief.

My OH has very strong likes and dislikes, as has my 8 year old. I have specific dietary requirements. So we often end up eating three different meals! There are a few meals we will all eat, although I usually have to modify mine. Am trying to get OH not to comment on what DD does or doesn’t eat but it’s hard work, I think due to his family background where there’s a history of EDs and food control. He sees his niece who’s the same age as our DD eat anything and everything and he thinks this is fantastic - but she’s confessed to me that she’s scared of her mum when it comes to food and when she has the opportunity will overeat or eat ‘forbidden’ food, which I think is down to the control issues. I just try and be relaxed about it.

I have twins (now late teens) one has always eaten pretty much anything edible, the other one is very fussy. My approach has been to just accommodate the fussy one - so I'll serve a meal but if he doesn't like it then he either leave the bits he doesn't like or get something himself. I do adjust when I'm serving and miss of things I know he doesn't like, but I don't try to persuade him to eat it. Life is too short to argue about what food he wants/doesn't in my view and it causes way too much stress.

I do not want to eat beige food

You don't have to eat what she eats. Yes, it means cooking two meals in my case it used to be three, as dh also has food issues - suspect he is asd too - but now I refuse to cook his), but fight your battles...honestly.

My dd once went almost 24hrs without food as I was so pig headed and insistent on her eating what I had made for her (before her dx). That scared the shit out of me, so now I cook what I know she likes, on a rotation. Some days she has to tell me what she wants, again, otherwise she won't eat.

She has autism, and severe sensory issues (to the point where she would eat with her fingers, to feel the heat/texture of the food before putting it in her mouth) so it is all linked with that.

What worked? Me backing off and making a big deal of it. I find that the more I give her what she will eat, the more she trusts me and will try new things in her own time. One of her favourites now is butter chicken, and she recently tried a Korma. When food isn't a battle, she eats.

I have to cook two separate dinners or include some items she wants to eat and inevitably she leaves my food Then stop giving her food she doesn't want. Give her the food she will eat. As long as she is eating, am I right??

Coaxing, bribing, "just a bite" are all going to be seen as pressure to her, so I would just back off, and give her what she will eat.

Honestly, the more you push the more you will create food related issues as she gets older.

*not making a big deal of it

My DD and DSD are like this.
DSD is now in her 20's and the range of food she will eat is much broader.
My advice? Don't fight it, assuming no other issues, they just don't like certain tastes/textures etc. I give DD what she likes. She is a healthy weight and eats sufficient variety to get a balance. It's just very plain or deconstructed. She doesn't like any sauces or mixed up food.
But luckily does like various fruit and vegetables. Not keen on meat but will eat chicken, fish and some Quorn type things, eggs (cooked one way only as an evening meal only) and cheese. But not melted cheese...
We try and eat together, there's a few meals we can eat the same, otherwise it's a case of making several elements and we each pick (chicken, salad, wraps kind of thing). Or I make her something else. It's not a big deal.
Older DSD is a good reminder that most people change and develop their preferences as they get older. Being able to make her own choices - at school for example, was helpful.

My DS sees a dietician due to restricted eating, the advice from them is:

• the main meal of the day (dinner for us) should be two courses for example a main and a basic dessert such as fruit or yoghurt. The second course has no strings attached and is allowed regardless of how much/little of the main meal is eaten. The idea is that it is one complete meal and the child gets enough calories across the two courses

• give a good multivitamin (WellKid was recommended to us) and two cups of milk a day to make sure they're getting enough nutrients and calcium

• where possible serve meals "family style" in shared dishes so they can put what they wants onto their plate and leave what they don't and can controll their own portion size

• every meal should have at least one 'safe' food on it that you 100% know your child will eat so that there is never nothing for them to eat

• do not comment on what they have or have not eaten. Do not bargain, beg, bribe, persuade, etc. Put the food out and then at the end of the meal, remove it. If they don't eat at all then go off the time and remove it at the end of that, around 30-40 minutes is long enough for most meals

• never use food as a punishment, e.g., serving up the same dish over and over until it is eaten or making them sit at the table until a certain amount is eaten

• never use food as a reward or a bribe, e.g., eat your peas and you can have pudding

• food is food, it's only fuel and nothing more

• if they eat nothing or very little then try stretch them to the next mealtime before offering something else but if it's going to be a long while, for example going overnight until breakfast the next day, or they seem especially hungry then around an hour or two after the refused meal offer a small, basic snack such as toast, fruit, cheese and crackers, vegetable sticks, etc. Frame it as a snack or a supper that they would have gotten anyway rather than as a replacement for the rejected meal

I adapt meals to accommodate DS rather than make separate meals. For example tonight we're having a chicken dinner. We will all be having roast chicken, mashed potato, broccoli, carrots, peas, Yorkshire puddings, and gravy. He will be having some of the chicken, raw carrots (I keep his back before I cook ours), and Yorkshire pudding. He doesn't eat gravy, peas, or broccoli so I'll leave those off but I will add a couple of cucumber slices for him. The only thing extra I'm 'making' is the cucumber slices. For days when I know he won't eat any of what I'm making, I keep a stash of Birds Eye Chicken Dippers and frozen jacket potatoes, he will either have dippers and cucumber or plain jacket potato with some grated cheese in a separate dish but its not really any extra work to cook either of those dishes if I'm using the oven anyway as they just go in on a separate tray.

BankofNook
This is exactly what we do. Good to know it's the recommended approach! It really de-escalated anxiety around mealtimes. Both DD and DSD feel worse when they feel overly observed or inconveniencing people trying to feed them.
My other tip would be around eating at other people's homes. To ask them to also not make a fuss or worry unduly if food is not eaten. Either offer what you're having (but don't expect it to be eaten) or offer something safe, such as pasta or jacket potato (my DD)

It feels a bit like you're going against all parenting advice when you're letting your child "get away with" eating dippers and cucumber for their dinner and then still giving them a bit of fruit for dessert after but it does actually work.

DS will probably never have a varied diet (ARFID) but this approach has reduced so much of the anxiety he felt around mealtimes and eating.

BankofNook that is all brilliant advice that fits in with my line of thinking (not comfortable at all for instance in leaving a child starving hungry till morning) so thank you

Short answer is I concentrated on getting veg in them & minimising the truly junk food intake. I didn't worry about it, mostly, although we had to get creative when we travelled or to restaurants.

There are very many things on your DD's list that I don't think mine ate at the same age, OP. Ditto for a lot of other posters on most MN threads talking about their 'fussy' eaters. It may be that your definition of impossibly fussy is my definition of hugely varied diet.

I also usually find with these threads that people leave out a huge number of foods... they maybe mean "here is the list of of staple hot cooked meals". This means I don't even understand what is being talked about. Nobody ever lists chocolate, squash, sweets, crisps, juice, milk, chips, cakes, biscuits, yet I would wager most fussy eaters consume at least one variety of each of those types of calories.

I know a 16 yr old (very nice, clever, sociable, talented lad). AFAIK, he still eats exactly and only 5 things for his daily calories (2 of which qualify as junk foods, 2 are liquids). Be grateful for problems you don't have.

Thanks for that @BankofNook, its so good to know what we're doing is right.
I'm a bit stuck with it though since dinner is his trigger. So basically if we don't have potato he doesn't eat it. If we have rice or pasta I could give him potato and veg as well but then I get worried that he's only having mash and veg every single day.

Noone has mentioned ARFID yet so I will. Avoidant and restrictive food intake disorder. Google it.
Though I read your list of foodstuffs with absolute envy. Oh for such a selection.
I have nothing useful to offer - just that I feel your pain. It's often connected to autism so do look out for that and be aware that girls mask and so present very differently to boys.
I got very used to thinking about food in terms of a 2 week rolling basis concentrating on protein, carbs, vitamins etc - rather than the actual food - sausage, chips, oj.
I don't know if you need it saying but (just in case) THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! The consultant told me many kids with ARFID present dangerously underweight cos their parents withhold the food they like and no, they don't "eat if they're hungry".

I take two approaches really. DD1 is pretty fussy, but so was I, and we are repulsed by exactly the same types of foods (wet and/or creamy for the most part) so I understand how hard it is for her because certain foods really used to make me gag as a child and there was no faking it - it was humiliating believe me if I could have been normal I would have jumped at the chance!

I mostly grew out of it, a lot of that being down to peer pressure/wanting to fit in at uni. Nowadays I eat a wide range of foods from each group but a lot of people would still I’m fussy.

So, for DD? I cater to her, to an extent. She always had to try at least, and often she will have what we are having but presented in a way thats acceptable or with additional rice/carbs so that she eats enough to be full. She takes a multivit and has the appetite of a bird as it is so I try very hard not to make a big deal of it. Every few months she finds something else she likes and we add it to the list. We’re all now pretty much vegetarian and that has helped her with the disgust factor a lot.

Hang on in there!