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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask if you regretted having two?

77 replies

jumpinginthepvol · 13/06/2020 20:46

I want one partner wants three children.

We are trying for our first baby.

I love children and have always dreamed of being a mother. I also fear I will be a bad mum due to my impatience. I am determined to do my best. I also struggle with insomnia and can't stand caos and screaming and have very little experience with kids. Hence why I think one is more suitable. I am one of three kids myself and I adore my siblings, I do however feel my parents were too inpatient and unhappy to give us the best childhood.

Did having two complicate things?
YABU- have two
YANBU -have one

OP posts:

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 13/06/2020 22:34

I have two (DS 20 DD 18)
Never ever wanted three , I am middle child of three a I blody hated it all my life .

As soon as my raddled body was recuperating from DS (who was a very high maintenance baby but thankfully a ovely toddler) I had people -often complete strangers - telling me that I had to have another and that I wanted a little girl

Because yes , as a 30 something I clearly didn;t know my own mind .

I had DS at 33 , DD at 36 .
And that was enough.
It wasnt too bad , she was an amazing baby , just fell into the swing of things .Slept ,never cried .
If I'd had her first then him, I'd have been "where am I going wrong"

Though I do remember putting her on the bed next to her brother thinking What the feck have I done

It gets easier . More ££ but easier .

Desiringonlychild · 13/06/2020 22:38

I am in the same situation, planning for 1 even though I am still in the trying stage. It was important for me to plan beforehand as it influenced the property I bought. As I was only having 1, I chose the 2 bed flat in London over the 3 bed house in Watford. If having a second child was more important to me than staying in London, I would have chosen otherwise. As there is no guarantee I could have upgraded at a later stage, esp with the prospect of negative equity all FTB in 2019 would be faced with; I knew that even in 2019!

I think it's important for couples to talk about such things and not using the excuse that things change all the time. Thats the same for almost everything in life but it doesn't mean we shouldn't plan.

Original poster

jumpinginthepvol · 13/06/2020 22:39

thank you everyone for the advice :)

can anyone give me an insight as to what age I will get an idea of the temperament of my child? I was a little terror but my brother was a delight and this will definitely impact my choice :)

OP posts:

corythatwas · 13/06/2020 22:45

Hard to make very hard and fast plans at the moment, OP. You don't even know for certain if you'll be able to have one child. You don't know how you will feel after giving birth and parenting that child. You don't know if you'll be able to have a second. You don't know how your partner will feel.

As for temperament, children aren't necessarily set in stone. Some are difficult as babies and then never give a moment's trouble as toddlers or teenagers, others are dead easy babies but then hit a difficult phase at some later point.

My first was always quite an anxious child, which did translate into some very temperamental and even violent behaviour from toddlerhood and for quite a bit after. My second was a fairly easy-going toddler and older child, but then hit a phase of complete cynicism and misery when he was about 10- it was like walking around with your own personal rain cloud. He is now a very sweet and charming 20yo.

notheragain4 · 13/06/2020 22:48

@jumpinginthepvol haha op, I truly empathise with you as I can tell from your questions that you are so like me, impatient and a planner! I think it's hard to say, some babies are angels from the moment they are born, others make every stage a challenge for their parents, most go through phases of both! Though I mentioned temperament of the child, the truth is the way you react to your child however they are will be the truest indication as to whether you will want to do it again, and in my experience you will have an idea within the first year, but everyone is different of course!!

Happymum12345 · 13/06/2020 23:10

I found the shock & love for my first baby quite overwhelming but with the second it was so much easier as I knew what to expect. The third was a breeze!

mummy2oneandtwo · 13/06/2020 23:19

Why are you even thinking about this now??

Anyway, I only wanted one, then got pregnant with twins, so nothing ever goes to plan. Turns out 2 is our perfect number!

DontStandSoCloseToMe · 13/06/2020 23:20

It's easy too early resort until the first is at least a year old before even thinking about it! FWIW my best friend (male) has confided in me that as much as he loves his second child he never wanted more than one, his wife knew that, they disagreed about it, she forgot to have her contraceptive injection.... (And yes put something on the end of it but you should be able to trust your spouse when they say they have sorted contraception). We have an only by choice and he says he looks at our family and thinks about how much simpler/more affordable life was with one

DontStandSoCloseToMe · 13/06/2020 23:21

*it's way too early, wait until the first....

Original poster

jumpinginthepvol · 13/06/2020 23:38

@mummy2oneandtwo

I am thinking of this now as I am a planner and I like to have insight.
I will wait before making a decision on the second of course. But learning from others experience means I am better informed to make a decision and I can understand how others made this choice and what their influencing factors are

OP posts:

MadameMeursault · 13/06/2020 23:42

When you become a parent your child tends to become the centre of your world and you tend to want to do the absolute best for them. Normally, but not always, that involves giving them a sibling. I went through an awful lot of IVF and stress to give DS a sibling and for us it was worth it. I can see why that’s not the case for everyone though.

BeijingBikini · 14/06/2020 00:09

@MadameMersault, a lot of children don't want siblings. I loved being an only and hated having a sibling - no sleep, constant noise, weekends spent doing stuff that was too "kiddy" for me. I much preferred it when it was just me and my parents. You should only have a second if you actually want it, what good is a child having a sibling that they may not have wanted, if it means more exhausted parents and less time with them?

LunaLula83 · 14/06/2020 00:34

I planned to have 4. I have 1 and NOPE. Shes a lovely child, but i have no desire to have another. Its so weird. My partner and i argued about how many we would have. So weird.

mummy2oneandtwo · 14/06/2020 08:58

I wasn't being sarcastic but I can see how my message may have come across that way, sorry!

My point is, I was/am a planner. My plan was one Baby, and a girl I thought. Then I got pregnant with twins and they were boys.

It was everything I never planned for but it's been the best thing that's ever happened.

Just go into this wanting a baby and whatever happens in the future will happen, pregnancy and children in general don't go according to plan!!

Dairyfairies · 14/06/2020 09:02

lol at wanting three when the first one isn't even here yet. I wouldn't be surprised if he has a complete change if heart after having 1 DC.

This is nothing either of you need to decide or agree on now...

blueglassandfreesias · 14/06/2020 09:05

I aways thought I would have 2 or three and now I have one three year old, I know I am done. She is well behaved, bright and lovely and each bit of freedom that I regain, the happier I become. I don't want to go back to square one at all.

notheragain4 · 14/06/2020 09:42

I always find the sibling conversation interesting too. I had decided no matter what we'd have two as I didn't want an only child, I remember being in the bath the day I'd given birth and getting so worried thinking I couldn't go through with that again but needed to give him a sibling.

Obviously that stage passed and we went on to have a second. But what I find interesting is I think my eldest is the perfect candidate for being an only child. He's very independent, likes playing with friends outside the house, loves adult company. Him and his brother fight incessantly, it's exhausting. As much as I thought children needed a sibling I think my eldest would be as, if I dare say it more, happy on his own.

That said no regrets (obviously because I still love my youngest for my own selfish reasons haha he wasn't just meant to be a sibling) but I think it's a benefit that they will have each other when they have grown up, even if the child play mate thing didn't pan out I'm glad they will have each other as we get older etc.

Mammyloveswine · 14/06/2020 09:54

We have 2, I wanted 3, DH wanted 1... we also wanted a bigger age gap... we ended up having 2 under 2 and I fell pregnant again late last year... we made the decision not to go ahead, it would've meant 3 under 4 and financially, emotionally, physically I just couldn't have coped.

It was a difficult decision but definitely the right one for us.

We might have a third in a few years but if we don't I'll be happy with my two. It's getting slightly easier as they are getting bigger but it's still hard work!

corythatwas · 14/06/2020 10:02

What I found was that after my second was born there was a very intense period when I had to juggle the needs of a newborn for care and bonding with the needs of a toddler to believe that nothing really had change. I had to be prepared to deal with extra clinginess and some jealousy and still provide as much love and patience as I had before.

But once we had got through that stage, the benefits and the joy were enormous. They played together, they were a source of pleasure and comfort to each other, they still have a different closeness though they are grown up. Watching them together- even when they were ganging up on me- was tremendous fun. Knowing that they had each other's backs when things got tough was a massive comfort. Seeing how they had a whole shared world of in-jokes and memories. It was worth those tiresome moments when I seemed to be doing nothing but refereeing.

LaurieMarlow · 14/06/2020 10:07

You’re getting ahead of yourself. See how you go with one. I always wanted more than one child and that’s how it eventually panned out. A friend felt the same, but after one, knew she was done.

No substitute for experience here.

Groovee · 14/06/2020 10:13

I always wanted 3. Dd was a dream then I fell pregnant with ds and the terrible 2's started. Then Ds arrived. He was hard work. Then I stuck with 2.

As you're only trying. Then I would wait until after you've had one and see how you feel, you could end up with twins first time x

BakewellGin1 · 14/06/2020 10:13

My DS was an only for many years until I had my youngest when he was 10....

I love them both equally but my second has been a much easier baby.

The bond they have is second to none and I've never regretted it.

Wakemeuuuup · 14/06/2020 10:19

My 2 are close in age. The first few months were really difficult but ds1 loved his baby brother from the start, we had no jealousy.

During their early years they were best friends and played for hours together.

Now as teens they fight a lot but still get on well when they want/need to.
Ds2 found it hard when ds1 started going out without him as they'd always been together.

During lockdown I'm so happy I have 2 as they've been company for each other. They still play together, help each other with school work and can complain to each other when we're being "so unfair"

samandpoppysmummy · 14/06/2020 11:46

I wanted two children, close together, and fortunately so did my DH. DS and DD are 17 months apart (now 14 and 13) and have always got on very well. Having each other for company and entertainment has made it easier for me than if I'd just had one child. Also, my DH passed away at Christmas and I think the last six months would have been much harder for both DC if they hadn't had each other for support.

PotteringAlong · 14/06/2020 11:51

You’re not even pregnant with your first baby. This is the very embodiment of crossing a bridge you haven’t got to yet. You cannot make this decision based on someone else’s experience.

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