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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you regretted having two?

77 replies

jumpinginthepvol · 13/06/2020 20:46

I want one partner wants three children.

We are trying for our first baby.

I love children and have always dreamed of being a mother. I also fear I will be a bad mum due to my impatience. I am determined to do my best. I also struggle with insomnia and can't stand caos and screaming and have very little experience with kids. Hence why I think one is more suitable. I am one of three kids myself and I adore my siblings, I do however feel my parents were too inpatient and unhappy to give us the best childhood.

Did having two complicate things?
YABU- have two
YANBU -have one

OP posts:
123th · 13/06/2020 21:40

I always wanted three. Our second is 6 months old. He is also our last! They're lovely but they're bloody hard work.

TheExterminatingAngel · 13/06/2020 21:42

I never wanted children until I was about 26. Then I wanted lots of them. I definitely didn't want an only child, and am very glad I had more than one. I'm just sorry I didn't have six or seven, really.

toebeans2 · 13/06/2020 21:44

I think two is a nice number and ideal because it gives them a playmate. Personally I think anymore than that isn't fair on the children as it means the parents attention is spread more thinly - I say that as someone who has a lot of siblings.

TheExterminatingAngel · 13/06/2020 21:45

@crosser62, I had a similar experience with my first birth (the baby and I nearly died). It didn't put me off having another one relatively quickly, though. Everyone's situation and relationship is different. My subsequent births (ELCS) were very straightforward, and I had no PND (which I had after DC1, along with PTSD).

lazylinguist · 13/06/2020 21:45

I am so glad I had two! My dd14 and ds12 get on really well and have a surprising amount in common. I dread to think how miserable lockdown would have been for one of them on their own. I didn't find it particularly difficult having two, even when they were small.

zaffa · 13/06/2020 21:49

I only wanted one (in fact originally I wanted none) now I have DD (6months) and I would absolutely have another - except at 38 I'm exhausted from one, DH has just been made redundant so I must return to work full time and I already have a DSS who is 11 so truthfully it's unlikely that I will have a second.

I cried when I gave away DDs newborn and baby clothes (her room is tiny and I needed the space for the current clothes). I kept some bits that mean something to me but I know I won't have another child to wear them and it upset me more than I knew it would.

You won't know until you have your baby - something changes I think. I knew I would love her but I had no idea she would complete me. She is the absolute best part of me and I would love to watch her have a younger sibling to look after and grow up with of a similar age - DSS is great but the age gap is massive.

Don't decide until you have to.

weepingwillow22 · 13/06/2020 21:51

My first was so so hard and still is (he has a genetic condition resulting in learning difficulties). I was so terrified of another I waited 9 years. We had genetic screening for our second and he has been a complete joy, easy pregnancy, easy birth and is such a happy baby. He is even having a really positive influence on my first. My only regret is not having him sooner.

SpeedofaSloth · 13/06/2020 21:52

I have two, I wanted them to have each other in later life. Right now they bicker a lot but when they play together nicely it's just magical.

Mamabear12 · 13/06/2020 22:00

Hmm. I think one can be difficult because you have to entertain them all the time. Two can be difficult early on, if you add a third with a big gap it makes for a super easy addition. The first two completely adore and entertain the third. Third baby is the easiest and just fits right in. Like others say, wait until you have one to decide. But really, at one point I thought I could never cope with a third and now I have my third and I’m thinking of a fourth...

Cremebrule · 13/06/2020 22:01

I think you’ll know. After 1 I wasn’t done and would still get gooey over babies etc. After no.2 I knew I was done. I looked at newborns and go oh cute and feel nothing else. I was happy to get rid of baby things etc.I know I couldn’t cope well with a third as I already find it hard to meet two competing needs and I’m finding myself looking forward to when the youngest can do x or y rather than imagining another baby. I’ve got plenty of friends who are wavering between 2 and 3 and don’t have those same feelings I do at all.

I think there is something about how you envision your family life to be. I always wanted 2 but there are some really strong reasons for just having one. Friends of mine who were wavering between 1 and 2 and have 2 all seem to have 4 year gaps where child no.1 has started school before the second baby comes.

Thumbkins · 13/06/2020 22:03

I would just focus on having your first as it’s almost impossible to predict how you will feel once there’s a child in your life...your partner may decide that one is enough you may love it and want 4!
I never felt broody as such. I was worried I was too highly strung to be a good mother. I was petrified at the idea of pregnancy and birth.
We struggled to conceive for three years then I finally fell pregnant. To my surprise I loved being pregnant. When my firstborn was 4 months old I discovered I was pregnant again. They’ve just turned 3 & 2 and I want one more. I’m broodier than ever!

I could never have predicted any of this or how I would feel about pregnancy, birth and motherhood. Focus on bringing baby 1 into the world and take it from there. Good luck

silverstarsandhearts · 13/06/2020 22:05

I wanted 3 but only have 1. DS was not an easy baby and we couldn't decide whether to have another. By the time he was at school, I was enjoying having time to myself again and being back at work. I just couldn't face starting all over again with nappies etc. It's def a lot easier with just the one in so many ways.

I'm the same as you - I dislike chaos and I found the baby stage hideously boring, although I loved DS to bits the minute I laid eyes on him and we have a close relationship. I didn't suffer from PND but I was low for a while due to just the tiredness and drudgery of motherhood. DS is 16 now and I feel like I'll have my life back soon.

However, saying all of that, there are days when I wish I'd had another. It's been tough on DS during lockdown being an only child and holidays could be difficult when he was younger, always trying to find someone of his own age to play with. There are pros and cons to both. I think more people are choosing to have one though, it's more common that it used to be.

m0therofdragons · 13/06/2020 22:07

One is very intense and needy, 3 works well and during lockdown I’m so so glad they have each other to play with. I’ve not had 2 as dc2 was twins. 3 is a logistical challenge and I often wonder how much easier 2 would be. When one is out, having 2 feels really easy but others with 2 may not agree. Probably depends on personalities too. Mine are all different but compliment each other and mostly understand each other.

LellyMcKelly · 13/06/2020 22:09

I nearly died in late pregnancy with my first and swore I would never have another one. She was such a good natured, laid back baby and we put it down being a great natural parents...so we agreed to have another. The second one is a whole different ball game! If he’d been born first he would have been an only child. That said, he makes me laugh every day, and I wouldn’t change him for the world. But wow, you know when he’s here!

Oysterbabe · 13/06/2020 22:11

2 is easier than 1 IME. I had them.close together and they play together. I really enjoyed having my 2nd, without the anxiety and uncertainty of a first time mum I could just enjoy him.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 13/06/2020 22:15

I've not voted but my thought is YABU to even be thinking about this before you've had one. Whether you have another will depend on
How your pregnancy goes
How your birth goes
Your fertility
How you take to being a parent
How your partner takes to being a parent
How being parents alters the dynamics between the two of you (this is lots more important than most people think...no way will you consider another if you have a partner that thinks he never has to do night feeds because he has a job outside the home and hands the baby back to you whenever you cry)
How easy your baby / toddler is
What happens with your career / finances after the first baby

Most of these are complete unknowns so I dont think there is any point in planning at this stage

firstimemamma · 13/06/2020 22:15

Just have your first and see how u get on.

It's so easy to say how many children you'd hypothetically like before you've actually experienced the reality of having a child who relies on you fully for everything.

Your husband may no longer want 3 - and you may no longer want 1 - in say a year's time. There is no rush to commit to a number and nothing is set in stone.

We have one toddler and definitely not sure if we'd like one or two more!

stairgates · 13/06/2020 22:16

I think when you get the second you introduce chaos to the homeSmile If you enjoy chaos then go for more, if you like order just enjoy the one, good luck on tour journey Smile

Nearlyalmost50 · 13/06/2020 22:21

I have two, works perfectly for me. However, my friends with one, it's really worked well for them over the year, had more fun holidays earlier, able to spend more time with the one child, more money and so on. No obvious disadvantages. So, have one, see how it goes and don't get persuaded into more unless it's really what you want.

Natashabobasha1 · 13/06/2020 22:23

You need to vow to never repeat the same patterns with your own kids. You sound immature from this post.... Try waiting a bit if time is on your side...

Immigrantsong · 13/06/2020 22:25

No I haven't regretted them. But I am finding motherhood to be the hardest job ever. Absolutely relentless. I was also surprised by how non maternal I am. It's the biggest mindfuck.

BeijingBikini · 13/06/2020 22:26

Watching with interest - we definitely want kids but also like quiet and time to ourselves, so I'm pretty sure we will be one and done. I really notice the difference when meeting with family that have 1 kid (kid is adorable, days out are pretty much as normal but with a lovely child added) and 3 kids (absolute chaos, loud noise, kids running around everywhere). But I guess you never know until you actually become a parent.

Batmanandbobbin · 13/06/2020 22:27

I never wanted one now have three. One to two lovely they play together and second adores the older one. Although older gets annoyed with him. Three blows your mind and you feel like you’re on really thin ice constantly.

midsomermurderess · 13/06/2020 22:33

I agree with pops. Wait till you've had your first before making other plans.

catswhisker1 · 13/06/2020 22:34

I second those who are saying two have made lockdown easier. I have two close in age and the same sex and they have had each other and become incredibly close during the last few months.

Yes, they have fought but they have each had a ready made playmate and have strengthened their bond for life I think. Cheesy but true.

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