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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Moving house

83 replies

Sarah1153 · 13/06/2020 08:15

Ok so currently in a two bedroom flat. My daughter is 11 so being moved so she doesn't have to share a room. My partner is wanting to move in with us and has a 3 year old daughter in his care full time. The idea was my daughter has the bigger room as she spends more time in there but my partner has kicked off saying that his daughter and my son should have the bigger room as he seems to think they will be upstairs playing most the time as no toys would be allowed downstairs! Do i stick with original plan or does it make more sense to have daughter in smallest room? My son can't wait to have a garden so can't see him spending much time in his room as he doesn't now. Any advice would be appreciated
P. S smallest room you could get bunk beds, toys, wardrobes and chest of draws just wouldn't be a lot of floor space but enough

OP posts:

Cam2020 · 13/06/2020 10:14

No, I don't think it's safe leaving a 3 year old to play upstairs on their own. Either someone will have to be upstairs with her or the toys will have to come downstairs! My daughter is also 3, I hate the mess but it'll only be for a couple of years.

Quartz2208 · 13/06/2020 10:15

He shouldnt be moving in for any of the 3 children.

You are getting the 3 bed so your two children can have their own rooms - move in like that end of.

His 3 year old needs it to just be the two of them for awhile because if he has full custody the mum must be pretty bad no wonder she breaks stuff

Then you really do need to look at your compatibility - his idea of parenting is his 3 year old upstairs by herself

ginnybag · 13/06/2020 10:15

Op, you are prioritising your wants over your children's needs.

And, worse, you're doing it for a man who has already made comments that are HUGE red flags as to his attitude to his kid vs your kids and parenting in general.

I'm also concerned by this '2 years max' thing. It smacks of you thinking you'll be moved again to a 4 bed because you have a girl and a boy sharing again, but that's not going to happen. You'll be told to have the two girls share and that will be that.

Boom45 · 13/06/2020 10:17

So. You've got a bigger house to accommodate your children and this man has decided that he's moving in but his daughter can't possibly have a small room and there will be no toys downstairs. He sounds like a peach. Move your family in, get settled and talk again.
And if he thinks you're selfish for not just agreeing to his plans then maybe dont move in with him? If you share families and a home you need to be able to compromise and he doesnt sound like he's great at that.

honeylulu · 13/06/2020 10:18

I think it's for the best that he's decided not to move in, but he is the selfish one, not you.
You secured that house on the basis of your children's needs (no sharing). He doesn't get to muscle in and start dictating. The part about no toys/playing downstairs is awful. I'm not the most permissive parent but the living room is for all the family to use and share. Bullet dodged I say. He sounds bossy and horrible.

PicsInRed · 13/06/2020 10:18

The 11 year old needs privacy as she is entering puberty and sharing with a small child - especially an unrelated one will not be ideal. I suspect she would end up doing some caring work in the evening. The 8 year old will be similar, entering puberty in a couple of years, and it's therefore inappropriate to have him share with an unrelated girl (wouldnt be ideal even if they were related, moreso as it is). You can't say for certain you will be in a position to get an extra bedroom in 2 years time. I would say they need their own rooms now, or the joint move is inadvisable.

Apolloanddaphne · 13/06/2020 10:21

I also agree that your DP needs to spend time with his DD building them as a family unit. Given he has just got full custody I am assuming that she has been through a rough time. This is not the time to be thrusting her into bigger family. If she is breaking things this might suggest behavioural issues wrought by what she has gone through. She needs stability, not more changes. It does worry me that he expects her to play alone in her room and not alongside him in the family space.

Batmanandbobbin · 13/06/2020 10:21

It’s horrible situation for you to be in! I know he’s now said he’s not moving in but he is being selfish and placing the ‘bad guy’ role on you. You deserve someone who supports you and your family, as well as their own.

Just on bedroom situation we are looking to buy a new house because we feel weird about our 5 yo boy sharing with 1 yo girl and won’t make 11 yo boy have to share because they’re at that age where they want independence.

canyoucallbacklater · 13/06/2020 10:32

OP this doesn't sound at all a nice environment to live in.

Essentially his wants and his child comes first?

When he doesn't get his way, he throws his toys out the pram?

He is a parent to an essential baby compared to your two - no toys in the living room, playing upstairs etc.

He will rule the roost and make life unbearable if it doesn't go his way. You are bending over backwards to accommodate him and he certainly isn't extending you the same courtesy is he?

Move in with your kids and if you're still together in two years look at getting a four bed. Kids sharing can be difficult enough when they're siblings. I feel forcing either of them to share (regardless of how OK they seem about it) will breed resentment in the future.

Put yourself and your kids first and if he comes around you can assess the living situation in the future. This is your home - not his.

UnaCorda · 13/06/2020 10:39

He sounds like a selfish twat, I'm afraid.

crimsonlake · 13/06/2020 10:41

I agree with all the posters, please listen to them and do not let him move in.

SoloMummy · 13/06/2020 11:36

I'd have the girls in largest room sharing and boy in smallest room.
I though I'd be wary of moving in at all as he sounds controlling and uncompromising in his expectations.
No toys downstairs? It's their home ffs.
His child shouldn't have priority.

In an ideal world I'd have had the smaller room for eldest as they have less need for as much space with less bulky toys etc. But that's not the case with a gbg situation.

AJPTaylor · 13/06/2020 11:38

And you won't be allocated a bigger house in 2 years. They are like hens teeth and would go to bigger families.

Rockbird · 13/06/2020 14:23

I totally understand the point about the boy and girl sharing but I don't see why an 8yo 'who will need privacy in the future' trumps an 11yo who needs privacy now.

Whatisthisfuckery · 13/06/2020 14:46

Sorry OP, I refuse to believe a court awarded your DP full residence of his 3 year old DD on the strength that she would be sharing a bedroom with an unrelated 8 year old boy. He’s either telling you a lie or he’s lied to the family court about her sharing, because that set up would not be acceptable, no matter how lovely the 8 year old boy.

Move your own family into your new house and let your DC enjoy their own space. Your DP sounds like an arse TBH and he doesn’t sound like a very good parent if he won’t allow toys in the living room. You can’t leave a 3 year old to play alone in their room all the time, 1, because it’s not safe; and 2, because they like to be with their parent/s, so unless he’s planning to play upstairs with her all the time she’ll miss out on play. £100 says that if he does move in with your family, you’ll have the bulk of parenting his DD dumped on you.

Apolloanddaphne · 13/06/2020 16:54

@Whatisthisfuckery I read it as the court custody thing and the getting the house thing were two separate but coincidental things. Not that one was linked to the other.

CrotchetyQuaver · 13/06/2020 18:40

Interesting update from you this morning.

I think it's best that he doesn't move in, but I'm sorry if you're sad about that. Something doesn't sound right about him from what you've written, I can't help wondering if he was just hoping for cheap rent, sex on tap and free babysitting. I bet he'd be hell to get rid of and his DD sounds like she'd drive your DC mad breaking their things. I think you have probably had a lucky escape. Good luck in your new home

BarbedBloom · 13/06/2020 18:53

This is going to be a problem however you do it. A teenage girl isn't going to want to share with a 3 year old, especially an unrelated one, bedtimes alone would be a nightmare and teens spend a lot of time in their rooms.

An 8 year old boy also shouldn't be sharing with a 3 year old unrelated girl either.

In fact I think sticking any unrelated kids in together is a recipe for disaster. They are losing their own homes, merging with a new family and are also expected to share personal space, never mind the large age gap. I can see a lot of falling outs ahead.

I would also be very concerned about your partner saying no toys or children's stuff downstairs. That very much shows he is of the mindset children should be out of the way

BarbedBloom · 13/06/2020 18:57

Cross post somehow. I think it is for the best, even though you are sad

OutOfHours · 13/06/2020 19:07

He's trying to guilt you into changing your mind.

Your son will be a teenager in a few years, and will have a young girl sharing with him?

Your partner moving in does not sound practical right now.

And probably not a good time anyway if he has just gained full custody of her, she will need time to adapt to that change too.

Sorry, but if you want to move in, your going to have to get a 4 bed.

freeingNora · 13/06/2020 19:16

This man doesn't fit you or your life listen to what you've written please seek support from local DA charities something like the freedom program to help you become assertive.

Establish a wonderful home for you and the children interestingly he didn't secure accommodation for his daughter etc he doesn't sound responsible. The other thing is he's dictating to you what you should be doing in your new home before you even get in

Please don't put his name on the tenancy better yet choose your children over him

2toe · 13/06/2020 19:28

I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s said he’s not moving in to try and manipulate you, making you think you are unreasonable and to get what he wants.
The thing that stuck out for me is he expects the children will be in their rooms most of the time but you have already said your son spends most of his time in the front room. If he did move in I expect this man would be trying pushing your son out and be resentful of the attention your son gets from you.
He shouldn’t move in, put your children’s needs and privacy first.

NeutrinoWrangler · 13/06/2020 19:28

He sounds grumpy and bossy. I wouldn't want him in my house, if he thought he could make all the rules. Your kids deserve their own space. It's not his house, so it's not up to him.

The "toys upstairs only" thing is very odd and controlling. As long as the kids are reasonably good about tidying up when asked, there's no problem with toys downstairs!

Ernieshere · 13/06/2020 19:32

Phew, & I think the YABU's were due to the fact you wanted him to move in.

LilyMarshall · 13/06/2020 19:35

but my partner has kicked off

Literally all you need to know. Move on. This is your warning. If you disagree with him, he kicks off. This is what you think back on when you are leaving a relationship in a few miserable years time. This Moment. youll look back on it and say you should have known then.

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