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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving house

83 replies

Sarah1153 · 13/06/2020 08:15

Ok so currently in a two bedroom flat. My daughter is 11 so being moved so she doesn't have to share a room. My partner is wanting to move in with us and has a 3 year old daughter in his care full time. The idea was my daughter has the bigger room as she spends more time in there but my partner has kicked off saying that his daughter and my son should have the bigger room as he seems to think they will be upstairs playing most the time as no toys would be allowed downstairs! Do i stick with original plan or does it make more sense to have daughter in smallest room? My son can't wait to have a garden so can't see him spending much time in his room as he doesn't now. Any advice would be appreciated
P. S smallest room you could get bunk beds, toys, wardrobes and chest of draws just wouldn't be a lot of floor space but enough

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarah1153 · 13/06/2020 08:49

@Lightsabre sorry yes we are in a two bedroom flat at the moment and have been given a 3 bedroom house because daughter is too old to share with her brother x

OP posts:
EatDessertFirst · 13/06/2020 08:51

Do the council know you are intending to move another adult and child into the house you've been given? Is that allowed?
I assume if they are aware of it they assume the girls would be sharing?

He just doesn't want his kid in the small room? And you are willing to put his childs wellbeing/needs above that of your 11yo?

Righto. He sounds like a prince!

missmouse101 · 13/06/2020 08:51

Definitely move in without the boyfriend and his child. The 3 bedroom house is ideal for you and your children. I sense very difficult times ahead if he moves in. Put your children first. Keep the space, keep the peace.

SteelyPanther · 13/06/2020 08:53

I don’t think any of your children should have to share with the 3yr old.
Personally I wouldn’t let him move in.

Twooter · 13/06/2020 08:55

Don’t move in with him.

Thaddit · 13/06/2020 08:57

You have got the new Council property on the basis of your existing family set up. You decide how the bedrooms are allocated. Let your daughter have the big room on her own, sounds great. Boyfriend and small child can sleep on blow ups in the front room if he is so keen to move in. I would be inclined to tell him to fuck.the.fuck.off though

VoldemortsMaid · 13/06/2020 08:58

The girls share and son gets his own room.

How you could even consider letting an 8yo boy share with a 3yo girl is beyond me.

He'll soon be at an age where he needs privacy & not a 5 yo storming about the room.

Toocold · 13/06/2020 08:59

Whilst your son is happy to share now, he won’t want to share with a six year old in three years time when he is going to secondary school, he’ll need his own space then. I know this isn’t an option in every family but you do have the choice here, you need to consider the future not just now.

Pinkdelight3 · 13/06/2020 09:08

It doesn't work with them moving in. It works that you were given the 3 bed for you, your son and daughter to have a room each. Once you factor him and his DD in it gets tricky - the only way that works is if your DD shares with his DD. Your DS shouldn't be sharing with either regardless of whether he minds or not. He can't share with your DD as the whole point of the move is to stop them sharing. He shouldn't share with your DP's DS because it's dodgy going forwards, just don't entertain the idea. So the two girls will have to share the big room and that's not what you want for DD by the sounds of it. Plus DP's attitude to his DD getting the small room is a red flag for domestic harmony anyway. I'd keep it simple and stay living separately. Why make life harder for all of you? This move should ease tension for you not add to it.

Blanca87 · 13/06/2020 09:11

This all sounds chaotic, I'm sorry to say. I would not be letting him move in either. This new house is for your family and I feel you are letting him trample over your boundaries at the detriment to your kids well-being. This new house is not intended to accommodate your DP and his daughter, its is intended for you and your kids. If you are planning to move again two years, why can't you hold off moving him in for now. Just focus on creating a home for your kids.

Whatisinaname1223 · 13/06/2020 09:14

No the 11 ye old needs to share with 3 year old girls together. In the big room. But yes bigger room for 2 sharing

Star81 · 13/06/2020 09:19

Your son probably doesn’t spend any time in his room because he currently shares it with his sister.

Moving was going to give them their own rooms for the first time ever which was probably very exciting but you’ve decided he must share again.

Have you also considered the fact that your partner expects all toys and play to be upstairs so will he even want you son downstairs on an evening with you ? If that’s the case where is he expected to go as and 8 year old and 3 year old don’t sleep at the same times.

Honestly, put your own children first and let them have the experience of having their own rooms to decorate etc how they want.

Wibblewobble99 · 13/06/2020 09:25

What’s your plan in 2 years as you mentioned it would only be for 2 years? If your assumption is you’ll be offered a bigger house based on the age and gender of your children please do not bank on this. As I’m sure you know many areas are in short supply of council houses and many many tenants wait years for larger property so I really wouldn’t bank on it.

DeliaOwens · 13/06/2020 09:26

OP, I say this with kind intentions but your Boyfriend doesn't get dictate the set up you choose. Your 3bed house allocation is for YOUR children's comfort and safety. He doesn't even factor here.

If he wants his daughter to have her own room, he gets his own place. Simple.
Personally, I would not be allowing him to move in.

Whatisthisfuckery · 13/06/2020 09:33

So he’s insisting on the largest room for his 3 yo DD regardless of whether she shares or not? And your two are moving from both sharing with each other to at least one of them having to share again, with a 3 yo?

This sounds like a crap deal for your DC either way, and an 8 year old boy should not be sharing with a 3 year old girl, especially as they’re not related. Your DS will hit the age of being very self conscious very soon, and it’s hardly fair that he has to share with a 3 year old as it is.

Your DP sounds like a selfish arse, ad I’d be waiting until you can find a 4 bedroom if you all want to live together at the very least.

Original poster
Sarah1153 · 13/06/2020 09:35

Thank you for all your advice I really appreciate it. The girls sharing wouldn't really be an option as his daughter has broken so many of her things and doesn't respect things or ask just takes. So that would cause so many arguments. Just horrible situation 😭

OP posts:
Apolloanddaphne · 13/06/2020 09:37

I agree with PP that you need to move to this house with your own DC and allow them the pleasure of having their own rooms and a garden. Your DP does not get to dictate any of this. Keep your current living apart arrangement until all the children are older then reassess the situation. I am sure neither of your children will mind sharing with his DD if it is only occasionally and not on a permanent basis.

Whatisthisfuckery · 13/06/2020 09:41

So what makes you think the 3 yo won’t break your DS’s things?

OP, why do you need this man to move in? He should only be moving in if it’s the best thing for your DC as well as you, and it’s clearly not the best thing for your DC. Sorry OP but you’d be selfish to move him in.

notheragain4 · 13/06/2020 09:56

I don't understand why you're prioritising your daughter over your son, the 3 year old breaks her things, she'll do it to your son? I have a 9 year old son and I just can't imagine making him share a bedroom with a younger girl he's not even related to. I understand not everyone can get a house big enough for their needs, but I just don't think this situation is fair on your children and it's of your own doing. Can you save up for a couple years for a bigger house?

Original poster
Sarah1153 · 13/06/2020 10:07

😭 I was just trying to do what's best for everyone 😢 i feel so broken that my two wouldn't of had their own rooms 😔 he got full custody of his daughter after we found out about the house and was trying to accommodate everyone. After an argument this morning hes said I'm selfish and isn't moving in. Such a horrible situation as my idea of a home is having the living room as a family room not making kids play upstairs. Slightly different with daughter as she enjoys her own space as talks to friends, does make up etc. Thank you all for advice xx

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 13/06/2020 10:08

I think you are bonkers trying to fit him and his daughter into a house that you have been allocated because your family have outgrown the space. The whole reason for the rule is to avoid children sharing with the opposite sex. So you are just creating another problem. What is happening in 2 years?

Apolloanddaphne · 13/06/2020 10:10

Well at least he has shown his true colours before he moved in. Just enjoy the move with your DC and let him go. If he is worth anything he will see he was wrong and apologise. If not he is not worth the effort.

AJPTaylor · 13/06/2020 10:10

Oh cross post. Well it seems sensible that he doesn't move in. Stick with that and stop trying to make everyone happy!

TinyPigeon · 13/06/2020 10:13

Wtf is no toys downstairs in a house with three kids? That would worry me so much more!

EatDessertFirst · 13/06/2020 10:14

Its a good thing he isn't moving in. Your children have the space they need in the house you have been allocated for that purpose. Chucking his toys out the pram because he doesn't get to move into that space is just him showing his true colours.

Enjoy your new home. With anything you want in the living room.