Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband Leaving

59 replies

C2693B · 12/06/2020 17:56

I am seeking opinions from other Muma’s.
I am a new mum with a 4 month old baby. I am from the UK and my husband is from NZ, we are currently in the UK in lockdown.
My husband wanted to go back to NZ so his family could meet our son, which I too want but after conversation we decided it was too much for our little one and muma as I am breastfeeding, the flight is around 40 hours with two weeks quarantine the other side in a single room, my husband now wants to go on his own to see his family. Which I completely get and support, however, I don’t think now is the right time. Our son is going through his 4 month sleep regression and has become hardwork, very fussy at feeding times and during the night as well, so we are getting very little sleep!
I feel like his responsibility is with his wife and son and while I understand he misses his family and wants to visit them I think he should stay especially considering the current climate across the world... he is planning to go for 6 weeks!!
I want to know if I’m being unreasonable in asking him to stay?

OP posts:
SparklingIsolation · 12/06/2020 17:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/06/2020 17:59

He has a lot of cheek for thinking it's acceptable to leave you and the baby at this stage. His responsibilities lie with you and your baby. It's utterly selfish of him to even consider going to NZ for 6 bloody weeks. I can't imagine what on earth he is thinking.

MatildaTheCat · 12/06/2020 18:01

He’s being a selfish twat if he goes.

YOU are his main family now. You will all visit together when you can.

I suppose you could ‘assume’ that he wants to take your DC on his own...that might give him pause for thought.

Original poster
C2693B · 12/06/2020 18:01

New Zealander’s are allowed back, but just have to do 2 weeks quarantine in a hotel

OP posts:
DPotter · 12/06/2020 18:04

I agree with you - that he is being totally unreasonable to take a 6 week trip to NZ. And he'll need to self-isolate on return for 14 days so you won't see him for 8 weeks. It would be an unreasonable amount of time for children pretty much of any age, but particularly with an infant.

The only way I would tolerate this, is if a very close relative (ie Mum, Dad) were on their death bed

speakout · 12/06/2020 18:06

At least you know where his priorities lie.

I wouldn't ask him to stay.

Let him prepare for the consequences on his return.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/06/2020 18:07

As for him missing his family, that's entirely understandable, but so are millions of other people all around the world because of the pandemic. He needs to get a grip and grow up.

mbosnz · 12/06/2020 18:07

Now is not the right time.

I say that as a Kiwi that is so homesick I've been nigh on physically ill with it.

His responsibility and his duty is to be here with you, he needs to be out getting the groceries and supplies for one thing, so you and your little one can stay home and stay safe. He's a Dad now, his first concern needs to be the welfare of his baby and his baby's mother. It's a switch in mindset that can be hard for some, but it needs to happen, and in the current situation, it needs to happen hard and fast.

How would he ever live with himself if something happened to you and/or babe, if he were there, and you were here, and he couldn't get back to you? Things can change overnight right now. How could he ever expect you to forgive him, if something happened?

Also - has he looked at the cost of tickets? Because I have, and it's bloody eyewatering!

KellyHall · 12/06/2020 18:07

So he wasn't really bothered about his family meeting his baby, if he now wants to go alone Hmm

What exactly are his good reasons for leaving his family (wife and newborn)?

vengeancer · 12/06/2020 18:12

dunno. Both DC and I are expats from different ends of the world. DH went to see his family when our DC were babies (had baby and a toddler at some stage as as my family is not UK based, no family support). So I get the need to see the family.

You aren't joined by the hip. Your baby is small and won't remember. I really don't see the issue. agree, Covid is not ideal but I think you disagree with the journey in general, Covid or not.

Out of interest, when have you seen your parents the last time?

NameChangeAgain111 · 12/06/2020 18:12

Totally unreasonable of him. If that was my DH I'd be telling him to stay there Hmm. Surely his mum would tell him he was out of order?

damnthatanxiety · 12/06/2020 18:12

what kind of a new dad wants to leave their months old baby for 6-8 weeks? I would be reassessing many things OP

namesnames · 12/06/2020 18:15

I am trying to play devils advocate here and wondering if he's thinking now would be a better time to leave for a few weeks rather than when your child would remember him gone.

What did he say when you suggested a different time to see his family?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/06/2020 18:19

6 weeks ? He’s having a laugh.
My husband went on a weeks holiday when my LO was 6months and I almost divorced him.
Plus in the U.K. you are limited on groups and help and socialising so no sorry he can’t go yet!

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 12/06/2020 18:19

What a lovely excuse for two weeks unbroken sleep in a hotel!! Angry

He’s being very selfish indeed if he goes.

Cheeeeislifenow · 12/06/2020 18:24

It's a no from me...
Your baby will be completely different in 2 months. He will miss all of it, unless he wants that? He is being beyond selfish.

onalongsabbatical · 12/06/2020 18:28

What on earth makes him think he can create a new family and then abandon them for six weeks right at the beginning and during a pandemic?

Why don't you suggest that you get six weeks away and leave the child with him? Just so he gets how fucking unreasonable he's being.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 12/06/2020 18:38

he really wants to miss 6 weeks of his babys development? :S

Bestoption · 12/06/2020 18:39

I'd tell him to go

And bloody well stay there!!

Not because I couldn't cope, I could, but because he wants to go for 6-8 weeks without you or his baby

My mum is in NZ, so I'm well aware of trip/time needed etc.

The flight really isn't 40 hours. It's generally a 12hr flight and a 10hr flight (unless you go emirates). I've done it with babies & I prefer to fly straight through, it's less hassle than a stop over IMO and with two adults, 1 baby it's really not too bad.

But with Covid you couldn't pay me to go through the airports & fly right now.

Savingshoes · 12/06/2020 18:39

Leave and Cleave. The struggle for those that have already done this, and watch their DP do the opposite is real.

CoraPirbright · 12/06/2020 18:45

Good grief he needs to grow up - we are ALL missing our families at the moment!

Do you get on with his mum? Is she a sensible woman? Would she be able to make him see that he is being a twat and that his first priority is now you?

Strawberrycreamsundae · 12/06/2020 18:47

I’d tell him to buy a single one-way ticket.

stophuggingme · 12/06/2020 18:48

What a load of bollocks
No way

NewName89 · 12/06/2020 18:51

I cannot imagine a good father and husband would choose to be away from his small baby for 6 weeks so he can have a holiday. I speak as an immigrant myself, I haven't seen my family in 6 months and probably won't for at least another 6 months. Covid sucks yeah.

Our son is going through his 4 month sleep regression and has become hardwork, very fussy at feeding times and during the night as well, so we are getting very little sleep!

And this is your answer as to why go now. He wants to leave you to handle all of that. It's too much for the lazy bastard. What a fucking arsehole.

Boom45 · 12/06/2020 19:10

I'd have coped if my DH had left me alone with a 4 month old for an emergency or something. But if he'd wanted to go for a holiday with his family while I was in lockdown (so without family support or coffee shops or meet ups with friends) I'd have divorced him.