Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband Leaving

59 replies

C2693B · 12/06/2020 17:56

I am seeking opinions from other Muma’s.
I am a new mum with a 4 month old baby. I am from the UK and my husband is from NZ, we are currently in the UK in lockdown.
My husband wanted to go back to NZ so his family could meet our son, which I too want but after conversation we decided it was too much for our little one and muma as I am breastfeeding, the flight is around 40 hours with two weeks quarantine the other side in a single room, my husband now wants to go on his own to see his family. Which I completely get and support, however, I don’t think now is the right time. Our son is going through his 4 month sleep regression and has become hardwork, very fussy at feeding times and during the night as well, so we are getting very little sleep!
I feel like his responsibility is with his wife and son and while I understand he misses his family and wants to visit them I think he should stay especially considering the current climate across the world... he is planning to go for 6 weeks!!
I want to know if I’m being unreasonable in asking him to stay?

OP posts:
FlamedToACrisp · 12/06/2020 19:12

I'd be glad for him to see his family, and glad at least one of us was able to get some sleep. If he wanted to stay two weeks longer to make up for the quarantine that would be fine as well - in fact, I'd probably suggest it.

But I know he would genuinely feel the same way if I had the chance to have a lovely time without him.

That's not theoretical - at one point I went off for six months to a nice place to help a family member (and have a great time) leaving him to struggle with some day-to-day problems, and we were both fine with it.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/06/2020 19:16

FlamedToACrisp
What age did you leave your children for 6 months?

AcrossthePond55 · 12/06/2020 19:20

I get wanting to see family. And I'm usually the first one to tell my DH to go somewhere without me if I can't or don't want to go. In fact, I enjoy the time on my own!

But to be gone for 6 weeks (+quarantine?) with a new baby? I'd have to question his commitment to fatherhood, and to our marriage. And if he DID go, I'd be having a long, hard think about what I wanted for my and my child's life. Heck, after 6-8 weeks (even with sleep problems) you may just find that you're better off without him!

Stop and ask yourself, is he really that involved with parenting day to day? Do you have to ask him to take the baby or does he do it on his own because that's what a good dad does. Think about how much emotional energy you're putting into his parenting. If it's a lot, perhaps you'd find things like sleep regression a little easier to cope with if you didn't have to spend so much of it on him.

The only 'caveat' I'd put on this NZ trip is if there is a serious illness in his family, someone he needs to see before they die. Or if perhaps someone very close to him is recently bereaved or something similar and not coping to the point of it being a MH crisis. Those would be the only reasons I can think of that might 'excuse' the need for a trip.

Waveysnail · 12/06/2020 19:21

Go with him but get hotel suite/apartment?

Waveysnail · 12/06/2020 19:21

And yabu for using muma (shudder)

TinyPigeon · 12/06/2020 19:26

He wants a parenting holiday! If it were my husband id tell him to go if he wanted & bloody well stay there the selfish twat.

MsMeNz · 12/06/2020 19:36

Wow 6 weeks is a bit much, we are same boat but I lived there for 15 years or so, we have three kids and he goes home every year for three weeks sometimes takes a child if school holidays line up. I honestly don't mind at all.

So my opinion is 6 weeks is too long given baby's age and your unease and rightly so. If he wanted to go for 2-3 weeks is say fair enough at a push. With everything going on in world he maybe very homesick I know my husband hated it here first few years and was very home sick but has settled down now on year 4. And on trips horn he comes back saying now how expensive everything is and slow etc he's starting to prefer here.

Good luck though, I'd suggest upping the communication on how he's doing homesick wise and dealing with things going on in the world. Maybe a man who isn't expressing himself well esp with new child into the mix.

BumbleBeee69 · 12/06/2020 19:44

wow.. he's really showing you who he is huh...

wave him off... and tell him to stay there Flowers

MsVestibule · 12/06/2020 19:50

I can't believe that although he can see how hard parenting a young baby who isn't sleeping is between the two of you, he thinks it's OK to leave you for 6 weeks to do it all by yourself with no family and friends allowed to help?

Is he usually this phenomenally selfish or is this a new thing?

tiredanddangerous · 12/06/2020 19:52

This would be marriage ending for me. He’s a selfish twat.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 12/06/2020 19:59

Not a fucking chance!

LizB62A · 12/06/2020 20:01

Tell him not to bother coming back...

JRUIN · 12/06/2020 20:05

I would be so pissed off with my husband if he wanted to leave our baby for so long. 6 weeks is a long long time in the life of such a young baby after all. Why can't he wait until lockdown's fully over and baby's older and in more of a routine so's you can all go? Is the selfish sod trying to escape the sleepless nights and grumpy baby by any chance?

ilikefastcars · 12/06/2020 20:28

I would tell him if he goes not to come back too! Selfish git!

Quartz2208 · 12/06/2020 20:31

I would tell him of course it is his choice to go, but it is then your choice as to how your view him deciding to leave you at this time. Actions have consequences and if he decides to go you will see this as a statement of his priorities so not to expect you to be there waiting when he gets back

MaggieMay1972 · 12/06/2020 20:35

Not much you can do if he’s determined to go.

Vodkacranberryplease · 12/06/2020 20:37

Why would he want to with quarantine? And it's winter!! Why wouldn't you go (since he can clearly get holiday) early next yeaf even at least it's warm and less likely to be difficult getting in.

He might be from nz but he's coming from a risky country in their eyes. I don't get this at all. Just say no and plan a trip there in the new year.

tensmum1964 · 12/06/2020 20:44

No way, he should wait until you can all go.

MaggieMay1972 · 12/06/2020 20:45

All this free advice about how you should threaten him with an ultimatum. Really ?. I can understand you’re not very happy about it but are you seriously going to end your marriage over it ?. I should be careful you don’t do anything you regret at a later date.

Vodkacranberryplease · 12/06/2020 22:41

But it's just such a serious breach of trust and respect, puts the op in an untenable position, and is just so selfish. He's telling her her doesn't give a fuck about her, her feelings, her life or even their kid.

I've just been slammed (not that I care) for daring to suggest that women who set up petty rules for their mothers re grandchildren shouldn't start frothing at the mouth if gran dares to disobey one, with no harm done. But no they are adamant. They are being disrespected! And undermined!

But it's ok for dh to fuck off for weeks half way around the world for no particular reason leaving the op literally holding the baby? Ah the logic of MN sometimes (obvs not everyone.)

And the worst thing is he knows she can't do anything. She's never going to piss off for 6 weeks without the baby. She's stuck on wifey duties and he can have a life. 6 weeks in no is a long time so he's touring around seeing friends etc. Possibly there's some sporting fixtures (rugby season). And then they won't all go for years because he won't want to.

And the money for a trip like that! Thousands.

tensmum1964 · 13/06/2020 03:11

MaggieMay of my partner suggested this I would seriously question my marriage and would most definitely give him an ultimatum. I think the fact that he would do this speaks volumes about him as a human being and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone so selfish who clearly didn't give a toss about me or our child. To want to leave your partner and 4 month old baby for 6 weeks so that you can satisfy your own needs is the height of disrespect and for me does not bode well for the future of a relationship.

houseinthemiddleofthestreet · 13/06/2020 04:16

My partner did this to me when DS was 2 months old and it was terrible. He left for five weeks to go on a school reunion trip and then a family visit. I probably could have muddled through with two weeks, but five weeks was just too long. I hand PNA, so that made it really difficult, hopefully you are not dealing with that. I believe that his leaving made it worse. I lived two hours away from my family and after two weeks I ended up packing up and moving in with my sister and her family until he got back. It was so selfish of him and I was angry, hurt and resentful; I still am when I think about it.We are still together, but it really impacted our relationship. If he goes I hope you have family support, I honestly don't know how I would have got through it without it.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 13/06/2020 04:26

Shouldn't your thread title be "husband wants to go on a six week trip away"?

pigeon999 · 13/06/2020 06:11

Six weeks!!!!

Um no, that would not be happening under any circumstances. I can see why he might miss his family, but he needs to remember he has created a new family of his own, and needs to care for them.

I would ask him to wait until it is much safer, and go together.

pigeon999 · 13/06/2020 06:14

I also would not be having anymore children with someone has selfish as this. It sounds like he would be happy to leave you high and dry whenever life becomes challenging (and that may be often in the future) even the mere fact he thought it was okay to even ask you tells you everything you need to know about him.