My sister is refusing to speak to me, AIBU?

[Thickasthieves2020]

NC for this.

I normally speak to my sister several times a day, but I haven’t spoken to her for a week now. She’s a year younger than me, and we both grew up in a abusive home. Both parents were emotionally and physically abusive, we left home as soon as we could. We both got married and have kids, I moved to the UK, my sister is still living back home (Scandinavian country) we’re both NC with our parents. I speak to my brother, she doesn’t. The only person she has is me and her kids. She got divorced last year, her husband was abusive. I help her out as much as I can, I always listen to her and her shoulder to cry on.

Every few months she won’t take my calls or reply to my texts saying she feels down and doesn’t want to talk. I leave her alone and give her the space she needs, then she’ll call me saying she had an argument with her ex and he won’t leave her alone etc.

Then everything goes back to normal, we speak as usual. Then again same thing happens, she cuts me off for a week or two, saying she can’t speak. I’ve told her several times to just tell me why she can’t talk and I’ll leave her alone. But she refuses, always saying she can’t speak and to leave her alone. Then after a few weeks of not talking, she’ll call me again saying this and what happened. I just don’t understand why can’t she just tell me in the beginning why she can’t talk? It frustrates me but I’m also worried, because she doesn’t speak to our brother and she’s NC with our parents so nobody will know if something did happen to her.

She did the same thing again last Friday, saying she can’t talk. I’ve asked her 2-3 times to just tell me why so I don’t have to worry. She said she can’t talk until the 18th June.

I sent her a text saying I feel like she has no respect for me, and just expects me to just sit here not knowing what’s going on etc. I feel horrible for sending the text, but at the same time I’m frustrated and don’t know how long I can take this.

Could she be back with her abusive ex when she refuses to speak to you which is why she can't talk?

Could her ex have taken her phone?

I think the fact that she actually tells you she can't talk at the moment should be enough. Don't hassle her into making her tell you why. If she is depressed and down this will make her feel worse. Honour her wishes and let her go through her healing process in her own way.

If you don't feel you can do that then that is your choice. I think she does well to be able to signal she is back in that place at the moment.

Don't take it personally. She has told you she's genuinely unable to talk and this will be true for her. An abusive background is, not surprisingly, a possible trigger for long term difficulties and possibly depression. Not everyone reacts the same way, but withdrawing from everyone isn't unusual, and is part of the symptoms rather than a "rejection".

I think you are being unreasonable yes.

If she is depressed she may not be able to face talking to you at the moment. She hasn’t just ignored your calls though, she has let you know she can’t speak right now and given you an indication when she thinks she will be able to speak again. When she feels able to talk to you about it properly she will do as she has in the past. This seems to be her way of coping. (It sounds like you’ve both been through a lot)

At least she tells you she's going off radar for a bit and doesn't just ghost you - that would be really worrying. Perhaps she has a close friend near where she lives that she gets support from at these times? Sometimes she might need someone who doesn't have a shared abusive history?

Sounds like in those times she isn't SAFE to talk. When she is able to, she does.

Don't potentially put her in further danger by pushing it when she's in that situation. He may be reading her messages.

Wait until she is able to talk freely and ask how you can help her get away permanently?

This happens at least a once every 1-2 months. I understand, I just want her to know she's ok, that's it. No she doesn't have any friends near by. And she doesn't speak to anyone about her problems except for me. That's why I get so worried when she's like this, because nobody would know if something happened to her.

"Can't talk" is a clear enough message, surely? She's asking for space to get her head round whatever's going on. I don't think it's at all disrespectful to you.

I think you being really unfair. She’s not just going silent, she tells you that she’s going to be out of contact for a while. It’s not about you.

Does she go somewhere every 2 months that would prevent her from talking? giving a specific date would make me wonder if this was due to something specific rather than feeling down.

I don't think you need to know the reason, no - and it's unreasonable to press her for one.

I have a relative who does this, and I know how frustrating it is.

It seems like she enjoys keeping you at arms length and knowing you are worrying, to be honest.

If you've told her repeatedly that this pattern of behaviour upsets you, her continuing to do it in the exact same way is really rather unfair and spiteful. She could at least send a text to say she's ok and not to worry.

As someone who has recently suffered from a horrible attack of depression, I think you just have to respect her wishes and let her be. Do her children know how to contact you in an emergency?

As someone who has had depression I understand this pattern of behaviour perfectly. I get away with it because there's no one I speak to on a daily basis. I do think you were unreasonable on this occasion to send that text, as it was rudely worded. You knew the score, you knew what was happening, and that it has gone back to normal many times in the past, but you made it all about you, and you made it sound like this was some new thing, out of the blue, that baffled you. It wasn't. I would send her a text apologising for the rude text, saying you love her and when she's ready you are ready, as always, and to never ever be afraid to ask you for help if needed. She probably will carry on just the same, not asking for help, but that text may well mean the world to her.

She's asking for space -and that's not unreasonable. She's given you a date to call back -she's possibly dealing with the ex or anniversary or something but I don't think she is being unreasonable want a week here and now to have some space.Several times a day is very intense. Does she actually want this or you?

It's frustrating but it sounds more like her way of coping rather than being purposely disrespectful to you.

18th June is very specific.
Which would make me wonder what on earth is going on.

I’d just let her get on with it tbh.

Either she’s a drama llama thriving on making you beg and wait for details or she’s genuinely not in a place where she can cope with contact.

Either way, the solution is to let her get on with it.

Next time things are back on an even keel, why don't you explain that you worry but you respect she's not able to talk. But, could she just please message 'can't talk, but I'm safe' which will reassure you that you don't need to worry unduly. You can then give her the space that she's asking for with a clear mind,

I think it sounds like you might being unfair and pushy. You have tried to guilt trip her. That’s not a nice thing to do to someone who is struggling. I think you should leave her be and wait for her to contact you. If you must then I guess a Light general ‘hi, hope you are ok, let me know of you need anything‘ type text is ok once in a while.

It could just be her way of coping. In which case, could you ask her to just send a text saying she is ok here and there in those periods. I get that you are worried, it's normal. But she should also be able to use her own mechanism to cope without feeling guilty towrds you. So compromise I guess.

However, more worrisome, would she be back with him in those periods? Have you asked her?

I think you should respect her a bit more - accept what she says, that she can't talk; you know that a time will come when she can. You need to stop pestering her, and just give her the space she needs.

I think your text was a bit entitled. You are not entitled to know more about her than what she chooses to share with you at any time. So she won't share now, and your attitude telling her she's disrespectful while being so disrespectful of her yourself ... well, I expect she'll forgive you because she loves you.

Have a proper talk with her about it when she's feeling OK and when you're calm and OK too. She is her own person and doesn't have to jump to your commands.

What does her Ex work at? Does he travel for work? Sounds like he could be coming back to the home every couple of months and she knows he’ll be gone again on the 18th. Abusers isolate their victims from their support networks and don’t like them talking to them. Sounds like this is what is happening.

Tbh this is how I deal with feeling down. I don’t want to speak to anyone at all, specially the people that are closest to me. Give her a bit of space.