My sister is refusing to speak to me, AIBU?

[Thickasthieves2020]

NC for this.

I normally speak to my sister several times a day, but I haven’t spoken to her for a week now. She’s a year younger than me, and we both grew up in a abusive home. Both parents were emotionally and physically abusive, we left home as soon as we could. We both got married and have kids, I moved to the UK, my sister is still living back home (Scandinavian country) we’re both NC with our parents. I speak to my brother, she doesn’t. The only person she has is me and her kids. She got divorced last year, her husband was abusive. I help her out as much as I can, I always listen to her and her shoulder to cry on.

Every few months she won’t take my calls or reply to my texts saying she feels down and doesn’t want to talk. I leave her alone and give her the space she needs, then she’ll call me saying she had an argument with her ex and he won’t leave her alone etc.

Then everything goes back to normal, we speak as usual. Then again same thing happens, she cuts me off for a week or two, saying she can’t speak. I’ve told her several times to just tell me why she can’t talk and I’ll leave her alone. But she refuses, always saying she can’t speak and to leave her alone. Then after a few weeks of not talking, she’ll call me again saying this and what happened. I just don’t understand why can’t she just tell me in the beginning why she can’t talk? It frustrates me but I’m also worried, because she doesn’t speak to our brother and she’s NC with our parents so nobody will know if something did happen to her.

She did the same thing again last Friday, saying she can’t talk. I’ve asked her 2-3 times to just tell me why so I don’t have to worry. She said she can’t talk until the 18th June.

I sent her a text saying I feel like she has no respect for me, and just expects me to just sit here not knowing what’s going on etc. I feel horrible for sending the text, but at the same time I’m frustrated and don’t know how long I can take this.

I often do this to my sister and hope she does not feel like you. She usually just texts back to say for me to call her when I am ready.
I suffer from depression and I often just need to be quiet and left alone. I cant cope with conversation as I dont want to inflict it on anyone and talk about anything .But I do say to her that I am OK , just can't talk. Maybe she could that for you.
Don't be too harsh , she might not want to share everything with you. There is nothing you can do to help , she might not want a. opinion or sympathy, so she would rather not talk .
Just let her know that you will be there when she needs you.

This sounds like my relationship with my son, and I recently found out that he has been diagnosed as bi-polar. Now I understand, it is easier for me to accept the periods when he doesn't want to contact me, and to be happy when he does. I'm not diagnosing your sister, by the way.

My sister used to do the opposite. I’d only hear from her when her partner had done something and have to rally round it rescue her, boost her confidence, advise her etc only for her to go back to him. We’re now NC.

I think you owe her an apology. It's very likely that these gaps in communication are down to trauma and/or depression, and at least she tells you that she cannot talk to you. She may well not be able to talk to anyone.

Is this regular like monthly? I behave similar with my Dsis as I've pmdd.
Unlike you my Dsis gets offended and calls me a rude cow etc, it isn't my intention to be rude, we talk every day she phones several times daily I can't talk with numbness at certain times.
We just had an argument today as I wasn't up for a visit.
Try to talk about it calmly at a talkative time not while it is happening, I've talked with to explain many times Dsis still takes it as an insult.

Her ex is not working but he lives nearby.

Talking to anyone several times a day is a bit much imo. What do you have to say?

Some people talk about their problems and others need time to get their head around them , I don't think it's a deliberate snub.

As this is a common occurrence with your sister , is there a reason it's particularly affecting you this time ?

I'd worry too OP.
Not sure what the solution is, maybe just do what PP's have suggested and back off for a bit.

@lilgreen how do you feel now? I've sometimes considered going NC with her, I love her but I can't take the constant on and off, not knowing what's going on. And when she's finally can talk, she just expects me to carry on where we left off, and it's hard. I tried for a long time trying to get her to leave her husband, and she finally did. But I've also come up with 1000s solutions to the problems she has, and she doesn't listen. Sometimes I just want to just let her get on with it. But I feel guilty because she has no one.

I've tried several times explaining to her how it makes me feel when she just won't tell me what's going on, and let's me just sit there worried for weeks. But she doesn't listen. Just keep doing the same thing again, every month. Radio silence for a week or two.

She has given you a very specific date. That is weird. Wait until then and then when she speak with you, ask her what is going on

This is the only time she has given me a date, which is why I'm so fucking worried. Normally she just says she can't talk now because she feels down, and calls back within a week or two. But she's never given me a date before. And I think non matter what's going on, if the person has told you several times it's upsetting when you just leave them hanging like that worried sick, you don't do it again. That's what I'm talking about when I say she has no respect for me. It affects my day to day life because I'm just sitting here worried sick thinking about her all the time.

Can't talk is different to I don't want to talk.... Unless this a language issue... But coupled with fact she's been specific about 18th I would be concerned too.

I know this is a bit extreme, but can you speak to the local police station about your concerns and see if they’ll do a welfare check on your sister and her children?

To give a date is weird. Somethings defo happening that will end on that date and that’s why she can speak then. Him moving out if they are still together after all. Her doing something bad. I don’t get it. That’s weird.

She has probably given you a date as she knows you will just keep on at her if she doesn't. She is hoping that by giving a date you will respect her wishes and back off by then.

If she is depressed and feels unable to cope with talking to you then you "explaining to her about how it makes you feel" suggests that you really aren't hearing her at all and making it about you. This may be why she feels she needs a break from you.

Just respect her wishes.

I don't know, it could be that he has moved in again with her. He has form for this, when he can't stay at his place. But I don't know, we will see what happens on the 18th.

That's why I get so worried when she's like this, because nobody would know if something happened to her.

I'm not really following this. If she's told she's going to be off radar for a bit, then you know for the following week or two that she's OK and just doesn't want to talk. What difference does it make knowing the precise reason she doesn't want to talk?

You remind me of a friend of mine....I'm bipolar, and there's no one I talk to on a daily basis. My partner lives 200 miles away, and he messages me most days, but we only actually speak to each other a couple of times a week, on average. That suits me, as with lockdown there's not a lot going on in my life and I don't feel the need to report every single mundane thing I do during the day to him (or anyone).

That's the problem with my friend...he expects to talk to me daily (sometimes more than once) and is constantly messaging me with every single little thing he does...from what time he gets up, to what he's eaten for breakfast/lunch/dinner etc...he drives me to absolute distraction, some days I just want peace and quiet and to be left alone. It's got to the point now that - unknown to him - I have 2 days a week where I completely ignore his calls/messages. If something urgent came up, then obviously I would be in contact. Otherwise, no fully functioning adult needs to check in with someone else every single day...

If your sister told you yesterday that she will be available on the 18th, I think it's pretty clear that she wants a week to herself. That's not unreasonable. Stop making it all about you.

YABU
She’s already told you that sometimes she feels so down that she cannot talk. When you are emotionally down a well you cannot think straight enough to even put in words why you cannot talk. That is all the “why” you need. You don’t need to know what triggered it as she may not even know herself until she’s come through it.
It’s got nothing to do with disrespecting you, that is a very self centered way to view things.

I think you need to back off a little tbh. It's lovely that you care so much but if she's suffering from depression/anxiety/PTSD there are time's when you just can't.

I say this as someone who has suffered from all three of the above and is generally a talker, but sometimes living with it enough and speaking about it just makes it worse.

You sound quite dependent on her. You also say you’ve offered her 1000 solutions to her problems. I say this kindly, but really?? That’s probably really overwhelming for her. Unless she asks specifically for your help she may just want some empathy and understanding.

Every so often she checks out of this intensity and has a break. Maybe she doesn’t even properly understand why which is why she can’t verbalise it. She’s been abused a lot and has this relationship with you which is possibly sometimes not helpful to her. She loves you but can’t always cope with you.

I suggest you send her a message saying you care very much and will always be there for each other. Ask that she lets you know she is safe and that you will not ask any more of her.

When she does get in touch perhaps try to alter your dynamic a bit. Listen to her, don’t offer solutions. Ask her advice on things. Chat about other stuff. Try to be less emotionally tied.

Therapy would be really useful to you both but siblings from abusive homes often have issues which would be worth reading around.

How old are her children Thickasthieves2020? Are they old enough for you to be able to contact them independently?

YABU! She tells you she can't talk for a bit, so doesn't do it out of the blue. And this time she's given you a date. Maybe she doesn't want thousands of solutions! Maybe she just wants a bit of support.

You want to go no contact with her because you can't respect the times she doesn't want to talk?!

She has the right to set boundaries that work for her.

You have the right to set boundaries that work for you.

What I’m hearing is that this dynamic is messing with your MH. Sounds like you’re somewhat co-dependent actually - like you are in the role of rescuer and her the role of needing to be rescued.

Maybe this isn’t working for her as well as you think it is. And it clearly isn’t working so well for you either.

You both, inevitably, have issues from your abusive childhood.Have you ever thought that focusing on “fixing” her is a way of coping with the damage that was done to you? Do you see her as more needy than you are? More damaged? Underneath the rescuing, I think you may have abandonment issues yourself, and her behaviour is triggering for you.

I would suggest that instead of trying to make her behave in the way that makes you feel better, you concentrate on looking at what issues the abuse has left you with and working on fixing those yourself. Acknowledge how you may be needy and damaged yourself, get help for yourself.

And feel free to set whatever boundaries you need with her in the meantime - but accept that you can’t control or dictate her behaviour. You have the absolute right to say “I can’t deal with this dynamic because it’s triggering for me”, but own that that’s what it is instead of presenting it as concern for her. It’s not your job to rescue her, nor her job to be rescued by you.