Planning the big 50 without upsetting people

[Squeakyjoint]

Seems far away at the moment but I’m planning a big party for a significant birthday. I really want everyone to be there except my Inlaws! They drink too much to the point they start arguments and are generally arseholes. It’s mainly FIL but my MIL does nothing and sees it as normal. I really don’t want them there but I know it’ll upset DH. What should I do, I have time to think about it.

Blame COVIDSafe and organize two separate parties. One with his family and one with yours?

I think you should get comfortable with the idea that they will be there. For the sake of your DH and family relations for the rest of their lives. I know it’s your birthday and you want it perfect but if you will have a relationship with your in-laws going forward then I wouldn’t exclude them in this noticable and hurtful way. FIL is responsible for himself and is no reflection on anyone else, even his wife. But you can tell him in advance that he will he asked to leave if his behaviour is impeding on other people’s enjoyment.

Literally no way you'll pull this off. Gonna have to tell them straight that they're not invited.

I just want to understand why you think your MIL is responsible for his behaviour?

I would probably just not have a single big party. Do something with friends and something with YOUR family. Then if you want to add a meal with ILs you can too.

I don't think you need to invite them. I get on fine with my in laws but didn't have them at my 40th. Same for my DH's. It is your birthday so your family and friends.

Also, though, poor MIL stuck with him! She might just be putting on a brave face?

You either tell them straight they're not invited and why (hurtful for your DH and a bit harsh if 'everyone' else is invited), or you grin and bear it for the sake of family harmony.

Well of course you are going to have to invite them they are your husbands parents do you really want suggestions on how not to invite them?

As pp have suggested, party for friends and a smaller 'get-together' for family - yours & DHs separately if you really have to.

I don't see why anyone would be offended?? I get on really well with my sister, ur have never been invited to any of her new year / big birthday parties.

I would just think yourself lucky you can have any form of gathering - my 50th was in full lockdown, I had a few cards and that's it!!

I do feel selfish about thinking it. I also take into account this is a while away. In reality they will be there. I like the idea of doing more than one thing. Obvious as soon as someone says it. I just look back at all the Christmas and holidays blemished by FIL behaviour. My MIL is actually really nice and easy to be around.

I dont get this whole 'you'll have to invite them to keep the peace' sort of thing. Its your birthday and you can invite who you want. If having a certain person there puts you on edge, explain to your husband that you want to enjoy your birthday and dont want to be on edge all the time. Give him the choice of being solely responsibile for his parents, including literally kicking them out if they step our of line. Not allowing his father any alcohol or tell your DH you dont want them there for those reasons.

If you DH doesnt like it then tell him he isnt invite etiher! :)

Do your in-laws live near you? How close? It's a very tricky thing to exclude people sometimes, but I would refuse to have an abusive alcoholic at any of my gatherings, FIL or not. I despise being around a mean, sloppy, unruly drunk.

If you do separate parties then give it careful thought. My sister didn't invite me to her 40th as we'd done a separate tea party (which I'd organised as I thought she wasn't having a 40th...) I was really hurt when I found out, as it hadn't even occurred to me not to invite her to mine.

What is DH's solution?

I wouldn't have even thought of inviting my ils to my birthday party. Mind you, in the 35 odd years I've known them, they've never even wished me a happy birthday, never mind given me a card or present.

Are you close to them? If not, maybe they wouldn't expect an invitation. Otherwise, the separate events would be your best bet.

@Phineyj - I was really hurt when I found out, as it hadn't even occurred to me not to invite her to mine.

I don't blame you for feeling hurt. But not inviting your sister is different to ils.

Could you have a party with some of the family, but do something different with ILs? Like really nice meal and night in a hotel with the four of you. Choose an activity they like and do that together - be sure to bill it as "For your 50th" though.

Wouldn’t occur to me to invite my in laws to my birthday party and they certainly wouldn’t expect to come to. A party with my friends anyway.

I would be really honest with them. Say you'd love them to come but you want to relax at your party and would appreciate if they watched how much they had to drink as you want it to be a "civilised occasion.

Wouldn’t occur to me to invite elderly relatives to a party. Parties are for friends

I'd do seperate events. Perhaps evening for just your family. An evening for friends. Then take mil away for girly weekend without fil