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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worrying about Christmas plans already?!

58 replies

nervousnelly8 · 11/06/2020 21:57

All being well DC2 will arrive around a week before Christmas this year. I suffered pretty badly with PND after DC1 and Christmas plans are already stressing me out.

Usually, we host Christmas day at our house and have an open invite for all family. This works well because DH'S parents are divorced so one parent can call it for part of the day and the other for a different part. We all live reasonably locally.

I don't want to host Christmas this year. I don't think I'll be up to preparing the meal and having a long and tiring day. In my ideal scenario, we would spend the day at home just me, DH and DC, and go to my parents to eat lunch. I'd like to go to MIL and FIL for a short visit on Xmas Eve/Boxing Day.

AIBU for being selfish about how I want to do Christmas this year? It feels very early to be thinking about this, but MIL has already made a comment about how she can't wait to spend Christmas Day with the new baby.

OP posts:
Littleshortcake · 11/06/2020 22:47

I think you need to say it now that you are not hosting dinner. I dont know how you bring it up randomly but if you don't say it soon it will eat you up

crazychemist · 11/06/2020 22:50

Wow. InSANE that they think you should host Christmas a week after your due date! (You say you are likely to be induced, but surely that's not definite at this stage? So it is possible you could still be pregnant or in labour!). Definitely say NO. Keep it breezy "obviously I won't be hosting this year due to new baby, so hope you enjoy whatever you plan for Christmas and we'll look forward to introducing you to the baby another time - let's arrange something after he/she arrives"

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 11/06/2020 22:54

that's not being unreasonable - its completely batshit

BackforGood · 11/06/2020 22:55

MIL has already made a comment about how she can't wait to spend Christmas Day with the new baby

at which point I'd have just laughed, and said, "Well, obviously, we're not going to be hosting this year. Everyone will have to make their own arrangements this year. My Mum has kindly said she will cook us a dinner to either eat there is we are up to it or to bring plated up to us, if we're not. We won't be promising anyone we'll be seeing them on Christmas day as obviously we don't know when the baby will be born or how we'll be coping at that point"

If it doesn't get mentioned again, then, at about the end of October, I'd be getting dh to ask where they have decided to go on Christmas day, so there is no 'forgetting' they aren't coming to you.

stretchedmarks · 11/06/2020 22:57

Oh God no. Even if you have the easiest birth ever, you'll still be exhausted! MIL will just have to suck it up and not be selfish. Also, now is the time to revisit traditions around xmas. Don't start anything you won't be happy with when your kids are older- make it work for your family, not someone else Smile

ProtectAll · 11/06/2020 22:58

No way I would be thinking about hosting DC1 was born early December and I was unwell for a couple of weeks and certainly not up to shopping and entertaining. MIL prepared a wonderful Christmas lunch and the my DM did Boxing Day.
I sat and held my D.C. and rested.

Honeyroar · 11/06/2020 23:00

I think you must bring it up again. Tell her it’s been worrying you ever since she said that comment because you know that you won’t be up to doing Xmas so soon after having a baby. Say that they’re going to have to decide on someone else to do Xmas this year and count you out while you recover.

Giespeace · 11/06/2020 23:05

I think I’d be leaving it to DH to deal with his mums expectations for this year. Well, I say “leaving it” but what I mean is “instructing him under pain of death to sort it so I don’t have to stress about it”.
I’m sure your MIL was just excited about your new pregnancy and hadn’t really thought through all the practical implications yet. I get the impression family harmony is good so won’t assume she’s an unreasonable nightmare or anything like that. All the same, DHs mum so DHs job to handle.

Pixxie7 · 11/06/2020 23:28

I am surprised anyone would expect you to. Couldn’t your MIL do Christmas this year and you can go if your up to it or not.

FrankieDoyle · 11/06/2020 23:56

Blimey! YANBU....Whst a cheek expecting you to host!! You'll have just given birth for Christ's sake Hmm

Tell them. Now. Or your DH can tell them.

What about booking a nice Christmas lunch at the local carvery? Everyone meets up, pays their own way, no cooking, no washing up Smile is this a practical solution?

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/06/2020 07:28

Mil is mad assuming this Christmas will be the same as last Christmas.

You will be resting. Make this your Christmas mantra. Say it now to everyone so they can plan otherwise. Make sure people know visits to you will be relatively short. You could be anything from feeling fabulous to still pregnant.

KatherineJaneway · 12/06/2020 07:33

You just need to say to MIL, and anyone else that is expecting to be at yours, you are not hosting. Say it now so it has time to sink in and they can make other plans. The longer you leave it, the worse it's going to be.

megletthesecond · 12/06/2020 07:33

Do not host. Do not do a thing you don't want to. Stay in pj's all day if you need to Flowers.

MyDogPatch · 12/06/2020 07:36

Tell them all, no, not this year.

Piffle11 · 12/06/2020 07:37

Some people are thoughtless, aren’t they? No way should you be hosting Christmas this year! Get DH to say that you’ve had a chat and decided that Christmas is off this year. No ifs, buts, etc.

Flamingolingo · 12/06/2020 07:45

Absolutely bonkers of her. But people are funny like that. SIL booked a wedding about a week after my due date with DC1 (when due date was known). She was really kind and understanding but a little surprised when I said we couldn’t commit to being there!

You also have the pandemic on your side right now - it’s far too early to be thinking about this year‘a Christmas when there is a possibility that we might be locked down again (depending on what the NHS capacity is like in the winter flu season)...

ScrapThatThen · 12/06/2020 07:46

Can your dh do Christmas dinner for just you at home, or can you get a takeaway Christmas dinner (might be spoilt here but our local pub has done one for £15 a head the last few years, not that we have ever had it, but tempted!). However, as the pregnant one all you need to say is 'im not cooking anything or hosting anyone and I don't want to be rushing round everywhere on the day'.

Tiredmum100 · 12/06/2020 07:50

I'd tell them now. You are not hosting Christmas. You don't know how things will go yet. Not that I wish anything doesn't go smoothly for you but you could still be in hospital. With dc1 we were in for 5 days as he needed iv antibiotics and we were discharged new years day. I also had a lot of stitches. There would be no way I'd be cracking on to a host a full day of guests and make a huge lunch as well as all the prep/cleaning that goes along with it. A week in you're going to be trying to get use to your new baby and feeding him/her. Not worry about feeding grown adults. Honestly can't believe she thinks it OK so soon. If I was you I'd be telling dh to tell his mother it's not happening this year. Plus we don't know how things will go with covid yet.

Charlottejade89 · 12/06/2020 07:54

I'm I the same predicament, I'm due 22nd december. We went to in laws for lunch last year and it was just awful tbh so we did say that we would definatly be having lunch at our house no matter what this year but I know my partner will be happy to do the cooking if I have just given birth or help alot if I'm still pregnant

Original poster
nervousnelly8 · 12/06/2020 07:58

These responses are making me feel so much less anxious. I had a difficult recovery after DS having had a bad tear then infected stitches. I'm hoping second time round it will be easier, but am fully aware it could be even worse.

DH is a good cook and could manage the meal himself probably, but the idea of having a house full just fills me with stress. I think I will ask DH to mention casually to MIL that we won't be hosting this year next time he speaks to her.

OP posts:
FloggingMoll · 12/06/2020 08:25

OP don't feel nervous. Honestly it's for your own health and well-being. I was very low getting home with my DD after experiencing complications (despite it being a planned caesarean) and ended up getting roped into looking after DSD for the entirety of half term on my own. I didn't cope at all and it tipped me into PND.

So - don't feel bad for wanting Christmas your own way, especially so soon after giving birth! Any expectations from anyone else in your families have to be managed and if they're offended by that, then it sucks to be them, frankly.

Tableclothing · 12/06/2020 08:30

the idea of having a house full just fills me with stress

I'm not surprised. Imo visitors in the first three months of a baby's life should

  • bring food
  • make their own tea
  • wash up after themselves
  • leave after max 1 hour, 40 minutes is better.

The thought of an all- day houseful- Shock

It might be worse this time. It might be much better. You might feel brilliant physically and emotionally. Even if you do, you still have a sacred right to not host Christmas this year!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 12/06/2020 08:32

Will MIL be on her own?

Hippofrog · 12/06/2020 08:38

I don’t think we will be having gatherings in December OP. It will be a nice quiet Xmas for all of us 😊

strugglingwithdeciding · 12/06/2020 09:46

Could you not pop into mil briefly in morning Xmas day so she also sees them on Xmas day like your parents ?
But realistically I wouldn't be promising any of them anything as you just don't know how you will feel about it all
They should of all been offering to do you Xmas lunch , Boxing Day lunch etc