To be worrying about Christmas plans already?!

[nervousnelly8]

All being well DC2 will arrive around a week before Christmas this year. I suffered pretty badly with PND after DC1 and Christmas plans are already stressing me out.

Usually, we host Christmas day at our house and have an open invite for all family. This works well because DH'S parents are divorced so one parent can call it for part of the day and the other for a different part. We all live reasonably locally.

I don't want to host Christmas this year. I don't think I'll be up to preparing the meal and having a long and tiring day. In my ideal scenario, we would spend the day at home just me, DH and DC, and go to my parents to eat lunch. I'd like to go to MIL and FIL for a short visit on Xmas Eve/Boxing Day.

AIBU for being selfish about how I want to do Christmas this year? It feels very early to be thinking about this, but MIL has already made a comment about how she can't wait to spend Christmas Day with the new baby.

[shoofly]

DS1 was due 14th December, I went into hospital on the evening of the 26th to be induced and he was born 11.30 at night on the 27th. I remember the arguments with a good friend because I refused to commit to a murder mystery dinner the evening of the 27th. She thought I was completely unreasonable to not commit to this because surely you'll just pop him in his car seat and come along. I had an awful birth and I remember how mortified she was about her attitude after DS was born.
If you're worrying about Christmas in June it should be an early warning sign that you're far too worried about other peoples opinions. Get your husband to tell her to wise up now. Who knows what any of us will be doing at Christmas. Life has changed in so many ways for so many people since last Christmas. I'd be laying this on thick and pointing out that being thankful for what she has now, is more important than guilt tripping an already stressed out mum to be.

[girlywhirly]

Op, I think you can entirely reasonably say to MIL that you cannot say so far ahead what will be happening for Christmas this year. You can’t possibly predict how you will be feeling after you’ve given birth, or even if gatherings will be possible. You shouldn’t be trailing anywhere, even if it is permitted, what on earth is the matter with MIL? Did she go trooping about days after giving birth?

I think if it’s just you and your little family you could make a Christmas lunch and freeze it in advance to save a lot of time and effort, it would be easy for DH to thaw the dishes out and reheat.

[Fcukthisshit]

I’d have a buffet at home, stick in the oven stuff and chuck it on the table to help yourselves and let your parents / in-laws visit either morning or afternoon. No fuss and everyone gets to see the new baby on Christmas Day.

[mam0918]

I never get people who go out on xmas (I mean I get it for single people who visit family but not for families with children going out) to me it should be about sitting around in your house having a day off with the kids playing with their new toys not being dragged around

If you dont want to host thats fine too (I hate people in my house) so I would just go vist on boxing day or xmas eve... one day early or late wont kill them and if they moan then honestly they want their head looking at

but if you do decide to host then your DH should do definately do the meal and hosting etc... surely that wouldnt even need to be explained given that you will have just given birth

I also wanted to say just because you had PND before doesnt mean it will happen again, I had panic attacks, fear of imposible things happening and just terrible anxiety constantly with my eldest but with my youngest it was entirely different and much more relaxed, I think partly because it feel familer as I had done it all before - hopefully you'll have the same

[Carabu1]

I mean, we might all be eating Xmas dinner in our gardens at this rate....! But no, not unreasonable. Dh and I finally put out foot down and do Xmas day on our own now, and it is glorious - no driving about, no stress. We just go and see family Boxing Day or between Xmas and nye. They may or may not be happy about it, but no one has complained to my face!!!

[GhostCurry]

“ Could you not pop into mil briefly in morning Xmas day so she also sees them on Xmas day like your parents ?”

Fuck that! The OP should literally be spending the day in bed if she has a newborn. If she is past her due date at that time she should not be making any unnecessary trips.

[Muminlockdown2020]

That's totally fine, but you need to tell them now. I really don't want to still be stuck in lockdown by then but I kinda hope there will still be some restrictions in place because we've never had the chance to have a quiet Xmas. I spend most of Xmas day driving around people's houses

[nervousnelly8]

@ThroughThickAndThin01 MIL will be with SIL - I suspect they will go down to visit MIL's family (parents, sisters, nieces) if big family gatherings are allowed by then, if they are not with us.

@strugglingwithdeciding we could, but then I would feel that we had to do the same with FIL and we would just be spending our Christmas driving around. My parents live 3 minutes down the road, FIL is 25 mins away and MIL is 40 mins away (in the opposite direction), so although they are all pretty local in the grand scheme of things, seeing both would involve 2.5-3hrs in the car which I know I wouldn't have been able to do at 1 week PP last time.

[strugglingwithdeciding]

Could you not pop into mil briefly in morning Xmas day so she also sees them on Xmas day like your parents ?
But realistically I wouldn't be promising any of them anything as you just don't know how you will feel about it all
They should of all been offering to do you Xmas lunch , Boxing Day lunch etc

[Hippofrog]

I don’t think we will be having gatherings in December OP. It will be a nice quiet Xmas for all of us 😊

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

Will MIL be on her own?

[Tableclothing]

the idea of having a house full just fills me with stress

I'm not surprised. Imo visitors in the first three months of a baby's life should

• bring food
• make their own tea
• wash up after themselves
• leave after max 1 hour, 40 minutes is better.

The thought of an all- day houseful-

It might be worse this time. It might be much better. You might feel brilliant physically and emotionally. Even if you do, you still have a sacred right to not host Christmas this year!

[FloggingMoll]

OP don't feel nervous. Honestly it's for your own health and well-being. I was very low getting home with my DD after experiencing complications (despite it being a planned caesarean) and ended up getting roped into looking after DSD for the entirety of half term on my own. I didn't cope at all and it tipped me into PND.

So - don't feel bad for wanting Christmas your own way, especially so soon after giving birth! Any expectations from anyone else in your families have to be managed and if they're offended by that, then it sucks to be them, frankly.

[nervousnelly8]

These responses are making me feel so much less anxious. I had a difficult recovery after DS having had a bad tear then infected stitches. I'm hoping second time round it will be easier, but am fully aware it could be even worse.

DH is a good cook and could manage the meal himself probably, but the idea of having a house full just fills me with stress. I think I will ask DH to mention casually to MIL that we won't be hosting this year next time he speaks to her.

[Charlottejade89]

I'm I the same predicament, I'm due 22nd december. We went to in laws for lunch last year and it was just awful tbh so we did say that we would definatly be having lunch at our house no matter what this year but I know my partner will be happy to do the cooking if I have just given birth or help alot if I'm still pregnant

[Tiredmum100]

I'd tell them now. You are not hosting Christmas. You don't know how things will go yet. Not that I wish anything doesn't go smoothly for you but you could still be in hospital. With dc1 we were in for 5 days as he needed iv antibiotics and we were discharged new years day. I also had a lot of stitches. There would be no way I'd be cracking on to a host a full day of guests and make a huge lunch as well as all the prep/cleaning that goes along with it. A week in you're going to be trying to get use to your new baby and feeding him/her. Not worry about feeding grown adults. Honestly can't believe she thinks it OK so soon. If I was you I'd be telling dh to tell his mother it's not happening this year. Plus we don't know how things will go with covid yet.

[ScrapThatThen]

Can your dh do Christmas dinner for just you at home, or can you get a takeaway Christmas dinner (might be spoilt here but our local pub has done one for £15 a head the last few years, not that we have ever had it, but tempted!). However, as the pregnant one all you need to say is 'im not cooking anything or hosting anyone and I don't want to be rushing round everywhere on the day'.

[Flamingolingo]

Absolutely bonkers of her. But people are funny like that. SIL booked a wedding about a week after my due date with DC1 (when due date was known). She was really kind and understanding but a little surprised when I said we couldn’t commit to being there!

You also have the pandemic on your side right now - it’s far too early to be thinking about this year‘a Christmas when there is a possibility that we might be locked down again (depending on what the NHS capacity is like in the winter flu season)...

[Piffle11]

Some people are thoughtless, aren’t they? No way should you be hosting Christmas this year! Get DH to say that you’ve had a chat and decided that Christmas is off this year. No ifs, buts, etc.

[MyDogPatch]

Tell them all, no, not this year.

[megletthesecond]

Do not host. Do not do a thing you don't want to. Stay in pj's all day if you need to .

[KatherineJaneway]

You just need to say to MIL, and anyone else that is expecting to be at yours, you are not hosting. Say it now so it has time to sink in and they can make other plans. The longer you leave it, the worse it's going to be.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

Mil is mad assuming this Christmas will be the same as last Christmas.

You will be resting. Make this your Christmas mantra. Say it now to everyone so they can plan otherwise. Make sure people know visits to you will be relatively short. You could be anything from feeling fabulous to still pregnant.

[FrankieDoyle]

Blimey! YANBU....Whst a cheek expecting you to host!! You'll have just given birth for Christ's sake

Tell them. Now. Or your DH can tell them.

What about booking a nice Christmas lunch at the local carvery? Everyone meets up, pays their own way, no cooking, no washing up is this a practical solution?

[Pixxie7]

I am surprised anyone would expect you to. Couldn’t your MIL do Christmas this year and you can go if your up to it or not.