People who completely miss the point ...

[MadameBee]

ARGH..

I have to have a teeny rant here as I cannot say anything in RL because in this instance it would be insensitive.

Friend (she is white which is relevant) on FB has “updated” her profile picture on FB with a photo of herself and her baby who very sadly died shortly after his birth, with the overlay “all lives matter”.

This isn’t what this is about 😤😤

Thanks 👍🏻

Sorry, yes I "missed the point" that it was an All Lives Matter sign, I didn't realise peope were still doing that, people on my SM do seem to have got that message now!

Support your friend through her unimaginable immense grief instead of posting shit about her on here.

YANBU in that I get that she is saying that her DC matters, and that's totally understandable irrespective of how long ago her DC died.

But it does seem to be almost inserting her grief into a current hot topic that she isn't directly affected by.

Having said that, I can't imagine her grief and if DD died, I too may well take to inserting her into any topic I could, just to keep her at the forefront of things. Cut her some slack. Unless we have been in her shoes, we can't know how it feels.

I am the parent of a mixed race child which doesn’t make my point more or less relevant but that maybe makes me feel more offended by it maybe

I also wouldn't necessarily take the overlay of All Lives Matter as being knowingly racist in your friends situation either (unless she is racist in other contexts, obviously). Some people expect mothers to "move on" and diminish the grief experienced about the loss of their baby after a "suitable" mourning period. She could be using the ALM thing in her case to mean "my baby was only here for a short while but she still mattered very much".

Just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Do you think (I don’t know how) she has missed the news recently and isn’t aware of Black Lives Matter? She may have seen the slogan All Lives Matter and assumed it was in relation to pregnancy and infant loss?

I don’t expect her to “move on” and I completely support her and understand she can grieve however she wants.

But don’t use your dead child to almost shield your views and stop anyone challenging you.

I'm with you @MadameBee.

Although your friends grief will feel insurmountable I'm not in agreement that it's appropriate to use this campaign to express this.

Sometimes,no matter how challenging our own experience has been,we need to hang back and find an appropriate source for support and expression.

Whataboutery is a diversion.

She probably feels, like lots of women whose children have died, that no one gave a shit. Even when its someone's fault, like medical malpractice....people don't care. Eapecially 15 years ago.

I can imagine that hearing people talking about whose live matters, is particularly painful when you felt like your child's life didn't matter.

I am bame. I dont like the all lives matter rhetoric. But in this situation I would let it slide.

No she has been posting increasingly questionable posts about BLM recently - she hasn’t missed it.

I think maybe more ignorant than outright racist.

She can do what she wants, it her profile and she can express her views as she wishes. What she's missing is YOUR point, not THE point.

I read things on Facebook from friends I don't agree with all the time, but I respect their right to have their own views and opinions, and that they want to express them on social media, whereas I would never share similar views of mine on it.

But don’t use your dead child to almost shield your views and stop anyone challenging you

That's a really good point and if that's what she is doing then it's manipulative and off.

Do you honestly think that is what she is doing, or has she heard the slogan and decided to use it in a different way to apply to the DC she lost?

Do you really think she is using her dead child to stop people 'challenging' her as you put it?

Or, is it possible that she missed the mark, supports the BLM movement and is capable of grieving at the same time?

*Do you honestly think that is what she is doing, or has she heard the slogan and decided to use it in a different way to apply to the DC she lost

I am unsure, I want to think the latter but I do ok now because of recent posts which seem to really really not get it and she has been challenged on.

*don’t really know sorry.

I cannot challenge someone’s views when they have a profile photograph of themselves with a child who is dead 🤷‍♀️

Op my nanas son died when he was 3 months old.

She grieved until the day she died over 40 years later.

At the moment with lock down and everything going on, she may have more time to think about things. Peoples mental health is suffering.

She may just be really struggling. If she is a friend, I would choose to be kind in this sitiation and assume this isnt a manipulative move.

I'd steer around her for a bit and not respond to her posts. She's understandably got her own agenda, but of course she's seeing a false dichotomy. Many people are, sadly.

It's her responsibility to educate herself ultimately.

If she really missed the point, then that means she has no idea why what she did might infuriate anyone, right?
There are lots of cartoons about now that explain why "all lives matter" is inapppropriate. Wait a week and post one on your timeline. If she says anything, claim that you didn't notice the post about her baby and were just informing people in general.

Anyone who says ‘all lives matter’ doesn’t support BLM. ‘All lives matter’ is used for the specific purpose of discrediting and undermining the BLM movement.

Why do you want to challenge her? Accept you have different views on the matter, end of.

It sounds really tricky. Someone using their grief for their child, to almost "cloak" racist views which affect YOUR kids, is totally unacceptable.

People who are arseholes or bigots can grieve too, so the grief doesn't make her beyond reproach. If you DO think it's a deliberate way to avoid being questioned whilst she puts forward racist views, then I don't think I could stay friends with her.

If it's that she is using the ALM logo to encapsulate how she feels about losing her DC then I would let that go, but still challenge her racist points.

She may have lost a child but your DC are just as important and racism can affect their lives. So maybe challenge her views even if you don't mention the ALM logo.

I don’t know why you’re getting so much grief for this OP. Isn’t this partly what mumsnet is for? Having a rant online because you know it would be inappropriate to do so in person.

I agree the death of a child is no excuse to be racist.

I’ve seen all sorts of rubbish on social media ‘I’m disabled doesn’t my life matter, all lives matter’ it’s people completely missing the point of the black lives matter movement because they can’t think outside of themselves.

OP I'm with you, it's obvious that if she had been posting other content and some of it features questioning blm she knows what it means!

@namesnames

Do you really think she is using her dead child to stop people 'challenging' her as you put it?

Or, is it possible that she missed the mark, supports the BLM movement and is capable of grieving at the same time?

People who use the "All lives matter" slogan don't support the BLM movement.