Friend sending husband porn - would you be upset?

[calmama]

My husband has a sketchy friend who sends him stupid little porn videos. I only realised this because I was flicking through his camera roll to look at photos of our son when one popped up. Great juxtaposition. I guess it had automatically saved there from his WhatsApp. It was a woman giving a blowjob. I’m not naive. I realise men watch this stuff. But honestly, sending it to your mates like a bloody 14-year-old? I’ve since happened upon another - once again a blowjob. Husband says he doesn’t send such things himself and thinks it’s stupid but reckons all men are like this. Says I would be shocked at how crude men really are when they think women aren’t listening.

Now all I think of when I see said friend is his childish obsession with staged blowjobs and his furry teeth (very poor hygiene) - two very real reasons he finds it hard to get a real woman to have sex with him I imagine.

Question is, AIBU to wonder why my husband has such a twat for a friend? AIBU to think if he really values the friendship he should at least tell the guy to stop sending these demeaning videos? Or is my husband a giant twat too...

On the fence with this. My husband used to swap porn with his cousin but he was in his early 20s. Now his colleagues do this very occasionally but my husband doesn't send it anymore.
I don't see an issue with him watching porn and if that's what gets his colleagues off they can cracks on.

Well just tell your DH his friend is a dick head and you don’t want him in the house. It’s as simple as that.

If he must stay on this chat with this individual, he just says - “Stop sending me this shit. I’ve got kids.”

It’s like when you have a group of men and there might be one who feels insecure in himself, so does this kind of thing to try and be centre of attention or to ingratiate himself. It’s always the fools who feel the need to shout the loudest - this is just another form of that. Most men can spot it a mile off and have no problem putting this kind of dweeb back in his box, but others go along with it.

@redbigbananafeet

Thedancingbear I don't think the husband should have to mention his wife. Why pass the blame and make the wife look like the ball and chain. Can he not put on his big boy pants and say that HE doesn't want to see it? Why turn the wife in to the prudish baddie that's checking his phone and being controlling? If my pal said I had to stop something because her husband might see and go mental I'd be concerned for her. Works both ways

Totally agree.

Yet, labelling the wife a controlling nag is so deeply embedded in the way so many people think - including women - they don’t even know they’re doing it. Unthread is a classic example. I never said I told him what to do. I never said I checked his phone. Yet it was automatically assumed by a poster that that is precisely what I had done.

Sad, sad, sad.

@EmeraldShamrock

It is not uncommon. My Dbro is a builder there's a constant exchange of watsapp video's going about on sites, mostly porn they become desensitized to it. 🤮

Both my husband and friend are tradies, though not together. My husband said the same as your DB.

I know a lot of men that do this. My husband is in groups were these sort of messages get sent as far as I’m aware he doesn’t forward them on. I don’t know why some seemingly normal men do this.

Husband says he doesn’t send such things himself and thinks it’s stupid but reckons all men are like this. Says I would be shocked at how crude men really are when they think women aren’t listening.

He's hanging out with the wrong men. He's also using it as an excuse. All men do not do this and don't bother telling me they do but hide it from me. 'Oh all me do this' is just such a tired, pathetic excuse for bad behaviour and worse. Men are quite capable of not sharing porn with each other.

Mind you, not the same thing at all... AT ALL, but it just popped into my head that one of my friends once asked to borrow my vibrator. I thought for sure she was joking but I don’t think she was. She didn’t send me a video of what she was planning to masturbate to though, so that’s a bonus I guess.

This is not the norm. At all. My husband would be mortified if someone sent him a porn video clip. I have known people in the past who were very desensitised to porn - used to watch it as if it were a regular film - so maybe this would be normal to them, but that doesn't make it normal for everyone. I would not be at all happy with this.

It's depressing if it is fairly common.

Why do they do it? Is it, 'here you might find this arousing, no need to thank me for your erection' or is it, 'let's unite in our power over this lesser being by reducing her to a pair of tits and willing or at least available hole' ? Or is it something else?

One of DP’s what’s app groups has a bit of this... most of it comes from one bloke. None of his other mates groups do it. Cause they are mature grown ups!

People saying their partners would be completely horrified if they were sent a porn clip tho - most people have watched porn at some stage? If one of my mates sent stuff I wouldn’t keel over in a fit of vapours I’d just tell her to cut it out.

@LudaMusser

People saying the women in the videos are being sexually abused, they are paid to take part

They haven't got a gun to their heads. I think you need to accept that women who do porn are there willingly

I shouldn't have to explain this

Not All Women In Porn Are There Willingly.

The most famous example is perhaps Linda Lovelace of Deepthroat fame whose final autobiography Ordeal detailed that her 'partner' who got her into the porn industry had been a violent, sadistic abuser. He forced her into prostitution, he tried to force her to take part in bestiality and by Linda's own testimony, every time anyone watches or shares segments of the videos that made her famous, you are watching a woman being raped.

IIRC, her novel includes an account of how Linda thought she'd made friends with people on the set of Deepthroat and thought they would help protect her from her partner-pimp if he beat her near the set. He did beat her within hearing of her fellow actors on the set of Deepthroat and none of them came to help.

I'd be really annoyed if one of my DH'S friends was doing this, I'd send them a return message to fuck the fuck off

DH is in a WhatsApp group with his 5aside team. Sometimes stuff gets sent but I just eyeroll. No big deal.

DH’s older DB does this all the time , sending him all kinds of pornographic photos and short videos. DH just deletes it right away.

His DB isn’t the sharpest knife in the box and finds it hilarious, I think it’s a bit pathetic from a 58 year old man.

@Edersons. And the fact it’s his brother! Surely that’s even weirder.

It’s a bit like “short men syndrome.” Some men are insecure and feel they have to prove something. Show-offs and loudmouths who have most to compensate for.
In my experience this is bang on. Backwards insecure misogynistic little wankers
Indeed! as are men who come on here and choose usernames that has it's own section on most porn sites!

My DHs actual friends don't do this in their wattsapp however a work one he was in the husband of a group member decided to share a photo of his erect penis, because he quite liked one of the woman his wife worked with! It was a large group of mixed genders and ages and both he and his wife were surprised that some people didn't appreciate it! So what I'm saying in a long winded way is there are some sleazy fuckers about. However if this is you DH best mate I would think he must have quite a bit in common with him.

My dp has a friend who does this now and again and yes the friend is a bit odd. He doesn't have much to do with him these days as ex work colleague but they dont save to his phone.

I'm not that bothered by it and dp isnt either..not his thing or so he says lol

There is something deeply distrurbing about men sharing masturbatory aids with other men

It's like gathering to watch strippers and engaging in sex acts in front of each other. I tend to think those men are deeply repressed homosexuals. Such sexual display appears to seek approval from other blokes.

When you share this opinion with them they go fucking nuclear, which is illuminating

Yep. Disturbing on so many levels.

I think the same about spit roasting. Just cut out the middle woman and fuck each other.

Indeed

All men don’t watch and send porn. Some men find it demeaning and cheapening. I wouldn’t want that stuff coming into my home where my DC could see it accidentally. I’d put a boundary in around it but I think it’s probably a personal choice.

PotholeParadise: useful and upsetting info re Linda Lovelace. Thank you. Another reason to put that boundary in OP