Friend sending husband porn - would you be upset?

[calmama]

My husband has a sketchy friend who sends him stupid little porn videos. I only realised this because I was flicking through his camera roll to look at photos of our son when one popped up. Great juxtaposition. I guess it had automatically saved there from his WhatsApp. It was a woman giving a blowjob. I’m not naive. I realise men watch this stuff. But honestly, sending it to your mates like a bloody 14-year-old? I’ve since happened upon another - once again a blowjob. Husband says he doesn’t send such things himself and thinks it’s stupid but reckons all men are like this. Says I would be shocked at how crude men really are when they think women aren’t listening.

Now all I think of when I see said friend is his childish obsession with staged blowjobs and his furry teeth (very poor hygiene) - two very real reasons he finds it hard to get a real woman to have sex with him I imagine.

Question is, AIBU to wonder why my husband has such a twat for a friend? AIBU to think if he really values the friendship he should at least tell the guy to stop sending these demeaning videos? Or is my husband a giant twat too...

A guy in his 50s my oh used to work with does this at least once a week my OHs phone goes mad as he has been sent like 30-50 porn pics and videos by WhatsApp. Apparently this is normal and sometimes he will forward it onto his mates chat group he doesn't even look at them just clicks forward - I'm assuming it would take a while to look at each pic/video! I did say to him once imagine one of the ladies I work with sending me 30-50 videos of dick pics etc and me then forwarding it onto my girlfriend's 😬😂

A friend of DP did this once. I made my feelings on the topic clear. There have been no repeats. It is bloody grim.

People saying the women in the videos are being sexually abused, they are paid to take part

They haven't got a gun to their heads. I think you need to accept that women who do porn are there willingly

I shouldn't have to explain this

Completely normal. I think men compete with each other over who can send the most shocking. Not just porn, they're usually a mixture of porn, silly, funny and a bit risqué . I've seen loads, some of them are hilarious some are horrible, some I just don't 'get'. I don't think we should police each other over what's acceptable. The ones I know do it are normal, intelligent men with careers, hobbies, partners, families and friends etc. It's escapism, light entertainment.

I was a sex educator in a field of sexuality that operated in a legal grey area (in other words, I am very used to things that others may deem 'edgy' or 'out there'), and porn never bothered me. It does now, to the extent that this would be a deal-breaker for me. But then, each to their own.

I think its grim and suggests that the friendship group members have pretty sexist and demeaning views of women... it's the kind of sexism that goes along with strip clubs and is hidden behind "boys will be boys"

My OH has several group chats going with friends. They send memes and football jokes and lots of silly videos and TV clips. But never pornographic, never "hurr hurr hot tits".

I've been married once and now in a very long term relationship. Neither of these men would ever have done this. My ExH would never have been in any friendship groups with men who would share images like this. I would go as far as to say he would have been horrified and I absolutely believe from knowing many of his friends quite well that would be the same for all of them.

My current partner does have a couple of friends who do this but opts out of groups where it happens. The blokes who share those images are also the ones who have been unfaithful to their partners and have a low regard for women in general.

In my (limited admittedly) experience, of the men I've been in relationships with and their immediate friendship groups this is something only a minority of men actually do, maybe 20%?

I think a lot of men would be very offended by comments along the lines of "all men do this".

Furry teeth

YANBU

He sounds like Brian from After Life

I think its grim.
Yanbu to have feelings about it - or boundaries. I would make my feelings clear and also wonder why hes friends with such a sad little character.
It's not about wanting to 'police' your partner but it is ok to expect that they will behave well and not be the recipient of mysogonistic material - if you think it is.
To those saying it's normal, who are you to answer on behalf of all men?
My DH is on several all bloke WhatsApp groups with plenty of banter but doesn't get anything like this. He would think it was pathetic and embarrassing.

The guy really grinds my gears. This thread was started ahead of his visit (he’s still here) as I dread seeing him. I suspect he’s one of Germaine’s men who just hates women. His fiancé left him (wonder why), and the next one did too. He speaks badly of both. He’s very tall and insists on standing over me. Have asked him not to park me in multiple times yet he’s parked his car half across the driveway. Asked him not to high-five my son given COVID-19 yet he’s done it again. So having videos of women on their knees seems par for the course.

My ex got stuff like that and the best of it is he'd happily share it with his parents

he might just not know how to tell his friend to stop sending him gross shit on whatsapp

'fucking hell dave, i'm not being funny mate can you stop sending me the blowjobs through??!! The missus just nicked my phone and saw one on the camera roll and I think she's freaked out by it. She's probably on mumsnet now saying what dirty fuckers we both are! Pint next week?'

Not that difficult

I wouldn’t be upset no, what’s to be upset about?

It’s not my choice of things I’d be happy to receive myself but my partners friendships are none of my business.

Personally as someone who worked for Stop the Traffic I am hugely concerned by the porn industry as a way of using under age and/or vulnerable people and lots of people don't seem to know about it therefore are "cool girl types".

I don't think this is normal in the circles I am in no.

What you really mean is want your husband to ditch his friend because you don't like him !.

It's not true that all men are like this. Some are and some aren't. Unfair to tar half the population with the same brush.

Personally I think it's a bit creepy. Surely his mate was wanking to that video, hence how he found it, and he wants his mates to somehow share the experience? To know he was wanking? Hmmm...

It's up to you if you don't like it, but I would be wary of demanding that he say something to his friend of it's on a group WhatsApp chat.

In my husband’s defence, he says he finds it pathetic and embarrassing too. I know he himself has watched porn in the past, but so have I. Not all porn is bad. He’s too afraid of cookies tainting his computer to do it now and got very angry with a friend who used his computer to watch porn on once. Again... who does that. I suspect some PP are right in that he doesn’t have the backbone to tell him to stop, but he doesn’t reply.

My problem is, why on earth is this guy deemed a great mate? What does it say about my husband if this guy is the one he contacts most? What on earth does he talk about with this Neanderthal? My husband has many, many faults. But he’s a curious type who watches lots of documentaries and appreciates art and aesthetics. The other guy loves blowjobs and hates women. Would be fine if my husband rubbed off on that boak-inducer (no pun intended), but I suspect his brain is suspended in 14-year-old boy mode and unlikely to change.

Nottherealslimshady what's funny porn?

Ludamusser do you think all prostitutes are consenting too? Are any porn actresses addicts being exploited? Abusive boyfriends pimping them? Trafficked?

I shouldn't have to explain this ...

Thedancingbear I don't think the husband should have to mention his wife. Why pass the blame and make the wife look like the ball and chain. Can he not put on his big boy pants and say that HE doesn't want to see it? Why turn the wife in to the prudish baddie that's checking his phone and being controlling? If my pal said I had to stop something because her husband might see and go mental I'd be concerned for her. Works both ways

I’d be pretty horrified to think this was happening. It’s just nasty.

It is not uncommon. My Dbro is a builder there's a constant exchange of watsapp video's going about on sites, mostly porn they become desensitized to it. 🤮

It's what used to be called 'locker room chat' but now with the internet there are images and videos and groups. It's disgusting and would really piss me off. But your DH has to be one of the good guys and say no, I don't want to see shit like that and if you keep sending me shit like that I'll need to block you pal. It really is as simple as that. Men as a class won't change as long as men as individuals keep quiet about things like this.

As an aside, if I was aware of anything like this on a 'work group chat' I'd be taking steps to discipline. WhatsApp is a social media so company social media policies apply and I'd be taking a dim view of anything that excluded the women in the team this way.

@LudaMusser I think you may need to educate yourself on this point.