AIBU to not want to get married?

[user57310]

We don't want to get married (just a piece of paper etc etc). But we would like something more than "tenants in common" on the paperwork.

We share step children.

We have been together for a period of time.

We are quite spiritual / alternative.

AWBU not to want to get "married" per se, but to seek alternative (civil partnership or more spiritual, for example: hand fasting) methods of declaring our life and love together?

What are the alternatives? Please share your experiences - even if it's a ceremony abroad / at home / between friends, which holds no weight in the U.K. but means something very special to you.

We had a celebrant and a lovely non legal outdoor ceremony as our wedding - find the right one and they go with whatever you want.

We also did the legal bit as this was important to us too, but it was five minutes in jeans and t-shirts with our two best friends as witnesses. You don't have to do that bit.

@user57310 that financial situation is all the more reason why marriage is actually really important. The person not working is being left in a very vulnerable position, what happens if the one who owns the property dies? What if the one who works dies? Where does that leave the parent who doesn't work with children?

You are going to need some legal protections no matter what but marriage would certainly help.

Ultimately, the way people need to think of the institutions of marriage and CP is as legal contracts. Because that's all they universally are. The other things are optional, and can be done outside of the contract too.

So the decision about whether you want to get married/CP or cohabit should have absolutely nothing to do with whether you fancy yourself as alternative, conformist, spiritual etc. Because you can do all that and do it better and with fewer restrictions outside of the contract issue. So eg if what you really want is to jump a broom, there's zero reason to pair that with property rights unless you actually want to.

The question you should ask OP is would the marriage/CP contract or cohabitation suit us better based on legalities and finances. Make the decision based on that. Once you've decided, you then choose whether you want to have some other form of ceremony or celebration as well/instead, and if so whether to do it alongside any legalities or on another day.

Agreed, @PrincessConsuela.

@Princess that is very helpful, again, thank you.

@notheragain4 - the person not working is also the homeowner.

I agree that both need legal protection, but I don't agree that this needs to be in the form of a traditional marriage or CP. This is why we are exploring alternatives and looking at how the law can helps us to make a commitment which doesn't also include the assets.

I can't see much point doing any sort of commitment ceremony. Unless just in your own? No one would see it as any sort of committment as it's legally nothing.
They'd still think you were not committed to each other.
I'd not attend such an event if the couple were not legally also getting married/civil partnership as it's just pointless. throw a party sure to celebrate x years of togetherness.

Without the 'piece of paper' what happens if) 1)your partner becomes seriously ill or incapacitated, who would make medial decisions for them ( not you, you have no legal right to)
2) your partner dies who would look after his!/ her children ( not you unless their will States you as their guardian and it could be challenged by grandparents)
3) joint assets you have gained together by one of you working any paying for things the other making this possible by doing childcare ( whoever has bought it owns it,!
4) working person dies how would the other one survive financially, you are not entitled to any of partners money / pensions / property
5) partner has an accident who do they inform ( not you as you are not next of kin legally)
6)if you both die next of kin are entitled to a percentage of the assets you have both acvululated, since you own none of them
Being alternative is fine but a legal contact of marriage or civil partnership isn't ' traditional' it the way we celebrate these things that are traditional or not! If so love someone asks getting a piece of paper gives them asks their children more security why would you not?

As you have a complicated set up with two lots of step children it would be wise to have legal advice re pensions, tax implications, inheritance and premature death.

Both of you should make a will.

My DD had a register office wedding followed by her own (written by her and partner) ceremony with guests and readings and a hog roast in a field in a marquee.

For them the register office was nothing just getting the legalities done and dusted. The outdoor ceremony with family and friends with their own pledges and wishes was the real deal.

Good luck and have fun there is lots of flexibility now.

If you are legally married or in a civil partnership, on divorce all assets are considered to be in the pot for splitting, regardless of who owns them or whether you hold property as tenants in common or joint tenants. You can try to ring fence by having a pre-nup but this doesn't have much legal standing in England and Wales.

If the person who doesn't work, also owns the property then marriage may not be needed for their protection and may actually put them at more risk. You need to seek legal advice before you decide what is best for you.

As said above, the one piece of paper you absolutely do both need is a will.

Thank you all - certainly food for thought. Seems like the first meeting we have needs to be with a lawyer!

I 100% agree with @nettytree. I don't consider marriage to me more about financial security and for legal reasons. I wanted to get married to say my vows in front of family and friends. To me it was about the words and the meaning behind them. Do me the 'piece of paper' like the rings and the bows themselves mean a lot to me.

@user57310 what if the person who is the homeowner is also in charge of the children / home ed?
Then I think some consideration should be given to what would happen if the home owner died.
A friend pointed out that while he husband was critically ill she was glad that they were married as Dr dealt with her, where as non married his parents are officially next of kin.
I think have whatever kind of ceremony/event/process suits you both, but plan for a worst case scenario, and then hope it never happens.

Surely they're not stepchildren if there's no marriage.

Attach yourself to each other however you want, but don't perpetuate the myth that marriage is just a piece of paper. I wish MN would put up a statement to the contrary every time this is said.

My husband is the high earner, if anything were to happen to him I would get his death in service benefit. It would ensure I could keep our family home, provide a safety net and get our children through university. As well as give me an income for life.

There would be no tax implications for a surviving spouse is something happened to one of us. Legally one of us owns the family home, the other owns our 2 rental properties.

Marriage or civil partnership could have saved many of the women who use MN from absolute financial ruin when the relationship broke down.

@lunar1 that's the main benefit of marriage. Should the marriage end, usually through divorce for younger people, the one who worked less to help raise children or look after the other in some way (usually the woman) will be legally protected (albeit at the expense of the other partner). Does OP actually need this protection? If not, then she is right to be reluctant to marry, since marriage brings some disadvantages (making breaking up far more difficult).

Marriage protects the lower earner whoever it might be.

@sillysmiles - the house would be left to my children, they have a legally appointed guardian if I die whilst they are under 18, so they could remain in situ.

@TypingError - had I said "we share children" one may have presumed they were "ours".

@Scott72 Does OP actually need this protection? If not, then she is right to be reluctant to marry, since marriage brings some disadvantages (making breaking up far more difficult).

Thank you - no I do not. I think marriage / CP would inevitably make the situation far more complicated hence why it isn't something we would choose to embark upon. As a PP said, prenups just don't hold much weight in this country, so I would have to exercise much caution if believing marriage plus prenup would ring-fence the assets.

So if the house goes to your children where does your partner live in the event of your death?

@Mrskeats - my partner is their guardian.

But what if they fell out and asked him to leave? Once they are over 18?

@Mrskeats my partner has been in their lives more / better / longer and is far more of a parent to them than the other "real" parent, who they see roughly twice a year.

Basically, what would be the situation if one of you died? What would happen to the home? The children? Any other assets? Would either of you be homeless? Broke?

If a decision had to be made in the event of an accident, are you next-of-kin?

OP, is your partner the guardian of your children if you aren’t married? I ask because I am in a similar position to you. My DP is more of a father to my DD than her own (now absent) father ever was. However, since DP and I aren’t married, he has no legal parental responsibility. He can’t even sign a permission slip for a school trip. We’ve being talking about getting married so that he can apply for parental responsibility but I’m wary of being married again (having been through a horrible divorce).