AIBU to not want to get married?

[user57310]

We don't want to get married (just a piece of paper etc etc). But we would like something more than "tenants in common" on the paperwork.

We share step children.

We have been together for a period of time.

We are quite spiritual / alternative.

AWBU not to want to get "married" per se, but to seek alternative (civil partnership or more spiritual, for example: hand fasting) methods of declaring our life and love together?

What are the alternatives? Please share your experiences - even if it's a ceremony abroad / at home / between friends, which holds no weight in the U.K. but means something very special to you.

@EmperorCovidula - Tenants in common is a form of land ownership and is a great option if you want to buy property together but keep your finances seperate.

Could we CP and remain TIC?

What about just having a humanist ceremony?

humanism.org.uk/ceremonies/non-religious-weddings/

I was never fussed about marriage either, however after my OH got a double cancer diagnosis we realised we would be affected financially as a family in the event he died, from his pension, to his property etc. So we got married in a rush as he was having ground breaking surgery the following day. It was just us and two close friends. We have not changed names and have zero interest in doing so.

Its all well in good to have 'its a bit of paper' view until the shit hits the fan.

@Rebelwithallthecause We had a hand fasting secondary to a legal marriage ceremony

That sounds like a lovely way to have done it.

@WannabeMathematician What about just having a humanist ceremony?

Thank you! That's a hugely helpful source of information. Thank you. Very helpful on terms of what we are looking for.

@sunflowersandtulips50 I am so glad he recovered. That must have been a really scary time for all of you.

I think you have some odd ideas about marriage, like that it involves ‘formality and tradition’, or is a bit fuddy duddy because you’re mildly alternative. I had absolutely no desire to marry my longterm partner, but recognised the wisdom of putting our relationship on a legal footing because of something awful that happened to someone we knew, which left her partner in legal limbo in relation to their newborn.

Ours involved no tradition or formality whatsoever. We got two friends and had a lunchtime registry ceremony. No one changed their name. Both of us protested the absence of a space for our mothers’ names and professions in the register. I was wearing jeans. There were no rings. We went for tapas afterwards. Our relationship continued as happily as before. Most people don’t know we got married.

Frankly if you aren’t bothered by the legal bit then do whatever you like however you like.

My SIL is a humanist celebrant, and here in Scotland you can get legally married anywhere you fancy as long as your celebrant is registered. In a farm, up a tree, living room etc.

Hand fasting is very old and often incorporated into humanist ceremonies, as is jumping over the broom. Hand fasting used to mean you were legally married and could bear legitimate children, but if after a year you decided it wasn’t for you, you could part ways. Bit of ‘try before you buy‘.

But you could have a festival in your garden, do something by zoom, or go on a day trip, holiday andll plant a tree Or whatever you want to signify your family.

The world is your lobster if you don’t want to sign the paper.

In the most basic form, legally change your names and leave it at that. My friend and his wife changed their surname to a famous suffragette to mark their wedding anniversary. I quite admire them.

@MyDogPatch and @EmperorCovidula I really appreciate the info on Civil Partnerships. Very helpful too.

@user57310 absolutely, you just have to make sure your conveyancer knows you want to do TIC when you buy. However do bear in mind that in the event that you split up you may end up loosing some of you assets as part of the settlement which could include your share in the property.

@Desertserges Ours involved no tradition or formality whatsoever. We got two friends and had a lunchtime registry ceremony. No one changed their name. Both of us protested the absence of a space for our mothers’ names and professions in the register. I was wearing jeans. There were no rings. We went for tapas afterwards. Our relationship continued as happily as before. Most people don’t know we got married.

I love this. Yes my upbringing points to tradition and "duddy fuddy" but it isn't me, it isn't us. That isn't what epitomises our relationship and so something like jeans and tapas. And nobody knowing, is lovely.

@Caplin *But you could have a festival in your garden, do something by zoom, or go on a day trip, holiday andll plant a tree Or whatever you want to signify your family.

The world is your lobster if you don’t want to sign the paper.*

You are right and all we need are the options so we can work out what suits us best, thank you for sharing. Love that your friends changes their names to that of a suffragette. It means something to them, that's what counts.

@EmperorCovidula even if it's ring fenced?

@user57310 I’m not sure how asset splits work when you’re in a civil partnership but in a marriage that would be unlikely to work unless it was very thoroughly ring fenced. Obviously this is all fairly irrelevant if you have similar means and you’re not going to be arseholes about splitting up. If it’s something you are concerned about I would suggest you speak to a family lawyer before getting hitched. You will also need to write a new will once married/partnered up as your old one will be invalidated.

Thanks @EmperorCovidula - that's very helpful. I would be really interested to know from those with experience how asset splits are defined after CP?

Is there property or other financial assets in your relationship? Do you both work and provide for the family? (Sounds random but there's a point honest!)

@notheragain4 - yes (one of us owns a property), no (one of us works, the other provides childcare including home ed). It's a complicated set up hence why a legal, traditional 'marriage', paperwork, and all the connotations of splitting assets straight down the middle / "all that I have I give to you" stuff wouldn't work. Don't think we are cynical - we are simply learning from our past and providing / protecting our future. Does that help?

@user57310 I’m 98% sure that CP is exactly the same as marriage except for terminology and the adultery issue (you can end your marriage due to adultery but you cant dissolve your CP over that (you can still end it anyway, you just can’t cite adultery as the reason). I’m not completely sure though so I would really suggest you consult with who knows what they’re doing on this,

Marriage means little in life.
It is everything in death.
If you plan to stay together and have joint assets. You should get married.

Yes, legally they are virtually identical aside from the issues mentioned. If a person doesn't want to get married because of the potential impact on assets and finances, a CP will also not be a good idea. It's not marriage lite as people sometimes think, it's closer to being marriage by a different name.

If you're in England and Wales OP, it's not necessarily as simple as ring fencing assets. There are some things you can do to try and mitigate this, but as a general rule, marrying or forming a CP with someone strengthens any potential claim on each other's assets in the event of a split or one of you dying, compared to the situation if you were cohabitants. So if that's your priority, think very hard and take legal advice about whether it's the road to go down. In fact, take legal advice anyway. You can certainly remain TIC as a married/CP couple though.

If one person owns property and has income and the other person has no income but does all the childcare and home ed, then the person at home is mad not to get married. If everything goes tits up, the person who is at home, doing all the childcare and home ed is screwed. Their pension is screwed.
Relying on a partner to be decent if you split up is in my opinion, at best idiotic. If everything was decent, the couple wouldn't split up.

As others have said, marriage means nothing when everything is good, it's when things going wrong that there is a problem. Like when one person gets sick and you are not their next of kin, or they die and the house you've been living in isn't your or....

@sillysmiles - and what if the person who is the homeowner is also in charge of the children / home ed? It isn't always cut and dried as one might think.

I think jeans, tapas, a couple of rings, an informal exchange of vows and some mead in a field full of crystals may well be our answer. And for the legal stuff we will seek professional advice.

Thank you for explaining that CP isn't marriage 'lite', that was very helpful.

A friend didn’t want the traditional wedding. It they both realised that they needed the legal aspect of a marriage. That’ two very different things.

Research h what would happen to you or your partner and the children if one of the adults a) die, b) so critical ill that another person has to make legal decision, c) in the case of your partnership not working especially if one of you stays at home and doesn’t work.. Just because you love together and have children doesn’t mean you have any legal rights compared to a married couple.

Go for a ceremony if you want but make sure you are all protected legally.

OMG if I hear this 'just a piece of paper' thing again.
It's a legal contract.

I more or less struggled with the same. I wanted a wedding but not necessarily marriage. However I did want to be able to call him my husband without people questioning it. Culturally where I come from we have a neutral word for partner that can mean both married or unmarried. Ultimately I don't think I feel super comfortable being unmarried.

In the end we're getting married at the regisy office with the dog and the kids. For the recepy/meal we're going to a cocktail bar/café.