To ask how you would feel if someone you've never met was looking after your DC alone?

[Kensley2019]

Posting for a friend.

She’s been separated from her ex husband since 2018. He met someone shortly after and moved in with her, she has a 4 year old DS from a previous relationship and my friend has 2 dc with her ex. The kids like her, they stay regularly at his house. Currently one week on, on week off. They live close to each other everything’s fine except my friend has never met his girlfriend. Pre lockdown she has asked her ex if they would like to come round for a cuppa, and her ex ignored the message. And then it was one of the kids birthday and my friend invited his girlfriend but he came alone.

After that she left it alone, but she wants to ask him face to face why is he avoiding it? And tell him that she really wants to meet this woman who’s around her children and make it clear.

My fiend knows what the woman looks like, so she knows she’s legit. But finds the whole situation weird.

My friend thinks it’s weird that after 2 years she’s never met the woman who looks after her children sometimes alone. Right now she wanted to FaceTime the kids but he told her he’s out, so now his girlfriend is alone with her children.

How would you feel and do if you were in my friends shoes?

I may get flamed for this but I would find the woman on social media and message her directly. If another woman was around my children, then I’d want to meet her. If she has a child of her own, I can imagine she’d feel the same way. If she didn’t go to the party and the ex ignores the message about the cuppa, then I’m guessing he hasn’t told her. He sounds like a total arsehole as I can imagine he’d kick off if she had another man around the children. The gf shouldn’t be looking after the children alone as they are his responsibility. I’m not saying they should be friends but a mutual respect needs to be there to be able to effectively raise children together.

I thik she has to trust his judgement, I wouldn,t expect him to vet every babysit she had or every boyfriend.

People hire stranger babysitters that they never met. The title should be would you want to meet your ex's gf if your dc are left in her care.

Their dad has known the sitter for two years.
Does this mean that both parents must have met anyone who is alone with a child, or just the mum?

I'd want to meet the person looking after my DC but it is not my right.
Having saw this kind of thread many times you'll be told it's not your friends business.

I have a child with my Ex. We sat down together shortly after splitting up 14 years ago and talked about what we wanted/didn't want. We agreed never to introduce partners to DS without speaking to one another first and it helped us no end, knowing what we should/shouldn't be working towards.

Appreciate fully that not everyone can do this, but in an ideal world it would be so much nicer to know who your DC were spending time with. I openly admit to feeling happier that I know Ex's DW well enough to trust her with DS and to say that she's genuinely the nicest woman he could have chosen to be DS14's step-mum and I'm sure Ex feels the same way that he and DH genuinely like one another.

I haven't met my ex's girlfriend. He has offered introduce us but due to the circumstances in which their relationship started I don't want anything to do with her. They live together so I trust his judgment in wether it is ok for her to look after my kids alone or not. I wouldn't like it if he tried to tell me who could and couldn't look after the kids when I have them.

Not her business, and I say that as a separated parent myself. I don't feel the need to vet my ex's partner.

I haven't met my step son's mum and probably never will. She isn't a very nice women (neglectful and abusive) so I am happy to stay out of it. Not really any of your friend's business who looks after the children when they are under the care of their dad. Obviously be nice to know but not a right.

If the kids like her, are happy being around her, and are happy being left alone with her, then I think she's just going I have to let it drop. Her ex gets to make parenting decisions on behalf of his kids so absent any safeguarding concerns, she needs to allow him to do this.

If my ex husband demanded to interview anyone I trusted to look after our children I would tell him to fuck off. But then he has form for being controlling.

I haven't met my step children's mum either. The main reason is because she hasn't to.

I know my friend's ex would never let the 3 women in his life meet because it turned out there was almost 2 years of overlap neither knew about.

*hasn't asked to

It is a weird feeling, but there's nothing you can do about it. When the kids are with their Dad you have to trust their judgement.

Is this the poster who has seen pictures of the girlfriend, knows where she works etc... And keeps turning up at the exes house to try and catch the girlfriend so she can meet her? There was a post very similar a while back where she'd asked to meet her, invited her to childs birthday party etc...

The general consensus was that poster seemed very pushy and perhaps the gf just doesn't want to meet her yet as it was almost like she wanted to interview the woman and that you have to trust dad's judgement on his time.

I found it tough but as previous posters have said, you have to trust their father and remember you wouldn’t like him to question your judgement over who you have entrusted the children to.

I wouldn't let my children be looked after by anyone I haven't met and that I do not know.

Separated or not. I would not allow it. Ex can take me to court. I'd need to be assured that they were no danger. And no I do not let strangers look after my children.

Teachers and activity leaders have dbs and whilst even that is crap as someone just may not have been caught yet, it is better than nothing.

But op what's the point in this case, as the point to meet and check has been passed a few times and it's been going on a while now. That smacks of laziness on the mother's behalf.

And no I don't think we should automatically except the judgement of the mother or the father in these cases. How many women have crap boyfriends around their children and how many men jump into the next relationship so quickly and blend families super Quick?

The risk is from the new people but also from their families including older children. How much abuse is hidden, at the hands of sibling, half or step or full?

'I wouldn't let my children be looked after by anyone I haven't met and that I do not know.'

If he has shared custody, you wouldn't get a choice

Also I'm intrigued how you assess danger over a coffee and chat or a doorstep meeting?

Not her business, she should trust the exs decision that he would only leave the DC with someone who is capable of caring for the DC.

Separated or not. I would not allow it. Ex can take me to court

And they'd tell you it isn't up to you.

I would find to weird to introduce my dp to my ex and vice versa, it will happen at some point but it isn't what happens other than in passing. You sound like you genuinely want to meet her but I'm sure she feels very awkward - I personally backed out of an invite where I knew dp's ex would be because his family should be central rather than the distraction of me

Well I wouldn't be concerned about it as a safety issue. Unrelated new male partners are far more likely to harm a child than female ones (some men even target single mothers).

I might want to just out of interest though, to at least be acquainted with someone who was such a significant part of my child's life. And I might contact them directly, just in case the ex hasn't told them about it.

Would your friend introduce her new partner to her ex if she had one?

@flirtygirl I trusted my ex enough to have a child with him. Therefore I trust his judgement in a partner. As he does me. His partner isn't a stranger.

I have actually met my ex's partner plenty of times but not because I demanded to. It's not up to me to dictate what my ex does when DS is in his care.

Her ex is as much of a parent as she is. Would she feel it necessary to introduce a new boyfriend to her ex? If he trusts this woman round his kids than there’s nothing she can do about it.

Okay so I see the issue as this - you could meet her (I'd want to, by the way) but what would it actually achieve? Abusers don't wear T shirts stating their status as abusers. Chances are, she's be perfectly lovely no matter what she was like.

As hard as it is (and I've been there) your friend will have to trust her ex. When I went through this I had to rationalise that many people care for my kids who my ex has never met. Friends, extended family... if he insisted on meeting each of them I'd be pretty pissed off that he questioned my judgement.

Unless theres a specific concern, this is just another unfortunate circumstance of being separated