To ask how you would feel if someone you've never met was looking after your DC alone?

[Kensley2019]

Posting for a friend.

She’s been separated from her ex husband since 2018. He met someone shortly after and moved in with her, she has a 4 year old DS from a previous relationship and my friend has 2 dc with her ex. The kids like her, they stay regularly at his house. Currently one week on, on week off. They live close to each other everything’s fine except my friend has never met his girlfriend. Pre lockdown she has asked her ex if they would like to come round for a cuppa, and her ex ignored the message. And then it was one of the kids birthday and my friend invited his girlfriend but he came alone.

After that she left it alone, but she wants to ask him face to face why is he avoiding it? And tell him that she really wants to meet this woman who’s around her children and make it clear.

My fiend knows what the woman looks like, so she knows she’s legit. But finds the whole situation weird.

My friend thinks it’s weird that after 2 years she’s never met the woman who looks after her children sometimes alone. Right now she wanted to FaceTime the kids but he told her he’s out, so now his girlfriend is alone with her children.

How would you feel and do if you were in my friends shoes?

I wouldn't let my children be looked after by anyone I haven't met and that I do not know.

So if you asked your best friend to baby sit then you'd accept your ex to say they weren't allowed to?

The father’s judgement counts equally as much as the mother’s, unless the father is a feckless twat and the divorce has happened because of his neglectful behaviour towards any kids, or lack of ability to ensure safeguarding.

I think anyone in this situation has to realise that If you know in your heart of hearts that the father is a good dad then you have to let him do the safeguarding when he has the kids at his. That does mean that he can choose a trusted caregiver to mind them, I think, in the same way that a mother can ask her own friend to babysit if she needs it.

I realise it’s often difficult to do this comfortably when you disagree with some of the father’s morals, for example if he had an affair and left the family and you feel a personal sense of betrayal. Some degree of maturity, I think, is needed then even if you don’t actually forgive him for what he did to you when you were together. As hard as it is, the job of both parents post-separation is to ensure that it’s as painless as possible for the kids and that they have the best possible relationship with each parent and any new people around them in each new household. Trying to control the behaviour of the ex-partner is just not on, unless you think that behaviour is having a detrimental effect on the child.

Knowing him and their history, I know he wouldn't like it if she left the kids alone with someone he's never met and she's been with for years. And he's tried to meet this person but she's avoiding it

@flirtygirl

I wouldn't let my children be looked after by anyone I haven't met and that I do not know.

Separated or not. I would not allow it. Ex can take me to court. I'd need to be assured that they were no danger. And no I do not let strangers look after my children.

Teachers and activity leaders have dbs and whilst even that is crap as someone just may not have been caught yet, it is better than nothing.

But op what's the point in this case, as the point to meet and check has been passed a few times and it's been going on a while now. That smacks of laziness on the mother's behalf.

And no I don't think we should automatically except the judgement of the mother or the father in these cases. How many women have crap boyfriends around their children and how many men jump into the next relationship so quickly and blend families super Quick?

The risk is from the new people but also from their families including older children. How much abuse is hidden, at the hands of sibling, half or step or full?

You'd get your arse handed to you on a plate in court.

You don't have the right to vet the people your ex introduces to your children, just as he doesn't have the right to vet people you introduce them too.

She thought it would have happened naturally by now after 2 years but it hasn't.

@Waxonwaxoff0 just curious, how did you meet your ex's partner? And how long were they together before you met her?

I'm basically 100% convinced now this is the same poster as the other thread (I think it got deleted?).

Everything is the same, thought it would happen by now, texting to request a meet, inviting to child's birthday party etc...

That poster was incredibly pushy, if I remember correctly she would turn up at the exes house when she wasn't supposed to, hoping to meet the girlfriend at the doorstep.

@Kensley2019

She thought it would have happened naturally by now after 2 years but it hasn't.

Then she should accept it's not going to happen

I didn't meet my exes new wife until one night one of our DDs ended up in hospital while with them. If it wasn't for that I doubt I'd ever have met her

Yes, OP, I smell a rat at your “asking for a friend” stance, you seem far too invested for this actually to be someone else’s situation.

@Kensley2019 I think it was about 4 months after they started dating that I met her, just by chance after they dropped DS back off. We just said a quick hi. (I would have preferred him to wait longer before introducing DS but again, that's not up to me to dictate). They have been together 5 and a half years now and live together so we occasionally do things all together with DS, we are having a little garden party next week as it's DS's birthday. I chat to her occasionally over text as well, we all get along fine.

I can totally understand the urge to meet this person who plays a big role in your child’s life.

It is odd it hasn’t happened, even briefly, at hand overs or school events or birthday parties.

I don’t think she can force it, but it would be nice if that new girlfriend at least knew the children’s mother would like to say hello and get to know her a bit

I'd still argue my case in court. I wouldn't just let it happen.

Slash lover That is exactly what happened in the past when married. We both had to approve. He did actually say no to my good friend looking after the kids so I could do a 2 hr weekly course.

I would not do it to be controlling like he was but because I believe both parents should know who is involved in their child lives.

I understand those saying well I trust him to make a good decision" and that is good that the is trust there. That's fine.

However, in my life and marriage and now divorced, there is no trust there for me. There is no trust for the ex and his decisions but there is also no trust in the decisions that many make with regards their children. They simply do not think abuse could happen to them. Myself and many, many of my friends and family have been abused in such situations.

I'd still argue my case in court. I wouldn't just let it happen

Each to their own I guess. That's if you don't mind wasting your time, the courts time, exes time etc. Considering the end result would be the same unless you have any actual safeguarding concerns (which can't just be that you haven't personally vetted the person).

I might not be ok with it but I’d accept it.

I am a step mum and my met my partners ex once we decided that we were ready for me to meet his daughter - note that was 8 months into our relationship.

I don't have children but i think it's totally reasonable

If she trusts ex with the dc she has to trust ex to choose the babysitter.
Does she ask ex for permission every time she gets a baby sitter ?

Her ex is an equal parent and should be trusted to responsibly decide who can look after his children.

Has your friend ever thought maybe his partner doesnt want to meet her?

She has feelings and a choice in this too...

If it was me I would want to meet her.

When I was with someone with a Dd I asked if the mum would want to meet me as I spent weekends with her dd.

She didn't even tho the lo talked about me to her mum. I thought it was odd but it was her choice. It was me who looked after the lo mostly too. Exp was pretty useless which presumably she knew! Her choice tho

But what good does meeting actually do?

@flirtygirl

I wouldn't let my children be looked after by anyone I haven't met and that I do not know.

Separated or not. I would not allow it. Ex can take me to court. I'd need to be assured that they were no danger. And no I do not let strangers look after my children.

Teachers and activity leaders have dbs and whilst even that is crap as someone just may not have been caught yet, it is better than nothing.

But op what's the point in this case, as the point to meet and check has been passed a few times and it's been going on a while now. That smacks of laziness on the mother's behalf.

And no I don't think we should automatically except the judgement of the mother or the father in these cases. How many women have crap boyfriends around their children and how many men jump into the next relationship so quickly and blend families super Quick?

The risk is from the new people but also from their families including older children. How much abuse is hidden, at the hands of sibling, half or step or full?

I find this kind of post hilarious. The whole "He can take me to court" shit....I'd love to be a fly on the wall of the court in which the poster gets her arse handed to her on a plate by the Family Court judge.

Being alert to signs of your child being happy is far more useful than some kind of arbitrary meeting

I’d want to meet her, and if I were (was?) her, I’d make it my business to meet the child’s mother. That’s what normal people would do?

Yeah but who knows what picture the ex has painted of mum

The father can choose who he deems suitable to look after the child on his watch. The mother has no input - leaving aside any safeguarding concerns.

I feel bad; what I said to Flirtygirl was pretty harsh...it's just I've been in the situation with an ex and my children, and there's really nothing you can do to dictate the terms about whom a person with joint custody of your children gets together with. I can understand in an ideal world you'd like to meet them, and it would be great if you could work towards that. But this idea that you can just withhold contact if you don't meet them is wrong. For better or worse, it's up to each parent who they build a life with, and if a parent is responsible enough to have access to their children, then hopefully they are responsible enough to make the right choice about their partners.