To ask how you would feel if someone you've never met was looking after your DC alone?

[Kensley2019]

Posting for a friend.

She’s been separated from her ex husband since 2018. He met someone shortly after and moved in with her, she has a 4 year old DS from a previous relationship and my friend has 2 dc with her ex. The kids like her, they stay regularly at his house. Currently one week on, on week off. They live close to each other everything’s fine except my friend has never met his girlfriend. Pre lockdown she has asked her ex if they would like to come round for a cuppa, and her ex ignored the message. And then it was one of the kids birthday and my friend invited his girlfriend but he came alone.

After that she left it alone, but she wants to ask him face to face why is he avoiding it? And tell him that she really wants to meet this woman who’s around her children and make it clear.

My fiend knows what the woman looks like, so she knows she’s legit. But finds the whole situation weird.

My friend thinks it’s weird that after 2 years she’s never met the woman who looks after her children sometimes alone. Right now she wanted to FaceTime the kids but he told her he’s out, so now his girlfriend is alone with her children.

How would you feel and do if you were in my friends shoes?

I barely know my DSS' mum, I have been with my partner 10 years.

I don't feel like the term stepmum relates to me, I have no input on his life in general, that is done by his parents, I am more a grown up friend, although that did change slightly when I had my son. Its difficult to explain.

I think if he was to live with us it would be massively different or if I did more than cook him lunch and/or dinner, but my DP takes care of all of that. I think in the 10 years I have taken care of him myself maybe 3 or 4 times and at least 2 of those have been an emergency on that actual day.

I just don't see the point in these meetings. Abusers don't wear signs and don't always look shifty. My ex was perfectly charming and lovely until we were alone. The woman who was vile to my best friend as a teen was loved by everyone in the village and even my friend's mum liked her at first.

If you don't like them then that doesn't mean your ex will agree and then it will just end up in lots of money and lots of time to have the court tell you it isn't up to you.

@Whichoneofyoudidthat

I’d want to meet her, and if I were (was?) her, I’d make it my business to meet the child’s mother. That’s what normal people would do?

Not necessarily. I offered to meet with my now DHs ex for a drink if she wanted, she didn't. No bother, I didn't particularly want to either but I offered.

Not every mother is jumping for the opportunity to meet their exes new partner.

We have since met as we've been together a long time now and do get on pretty well. But it just developed naturally over time which I think is actually more 'normal' than what you're suggesting.

I wouldn’t want, or expect, to meet a new partner my ex has. I’m just not interested in his life and, so long as DS is happy and looked after, it’s really none of my business.

My ex has (sort of) met DP once. He completely blanked DP (not even a polite ‘hello’) and then stared at him weirdly from his car while next to us at a junction. So I’m assuming he has no further interest in DP. He realises that my choices in life are not up to him though.

Similarly, I’ve never properly met DP’s ex and I have no interest in doing so. She has tried to (verbally) abuse me from the doorstep once (for no reason than because she’s really not very nice, and her boyfriend had just dumped her) so I see no reason to actually interact with her. I leave DP to do all his pick ups and drop offs and I have nothing to do with it. I don’t expect him to have to deal with my ex either.

@Kensley2019 (or ‘friend’): you are going to just have to leave it. Get on with your own life and be happy that your children like their stepmum.

@BarbedBloom exactly. Agreeing to a screening makes it seem as though they have a right to veto someone they don't like. Which obviously they don't!

I bet her ex has told the new woman she was a psycho...highly embarrassing to then have the new woman meeting a perfectly pleasant ex woman 🤣🤣

I look after DSD and have never spoken to DSDs mum. She’s seen me when we’ve picked DSD up or when she has been here to collect DSD. I’m assuming she trusts that DP has his child’s best interests at heart and that he thinks it’s ok to leave DSD with me.

What do YOU think, OP?

Anyway, it's the parent's responsibility to handover care. If he got a babysitter or a nanny, would they also have to be met?
Unless the children aren't happy or seem odd about this person, I wouldn't be worried.
And even so, meeting wouldn't help.

What is she going to do, anyway? Become good friends, veto her, interrogate her?

I haven't met my DSCs mum, though it feels odd not to have done. She doesn't want to meet me, and that's her perogative - but after 8+ years it's becoming a little awkward from my perspective, and I worry awkward for the kids too. At this rate the first time we meet will be when one of the kids gets married!!

No legal right to meet this other person, assuming dad is a safe adult he is responsible for making the decisions about what is appropriate or not when the children are in his care.

And as an aside, the other person is only a stranger to you (your friend) and not to the children or their dad.