Ex refuses to co parent with me

[introorextro]

Me and my ex share a 6 year old daughter, we have been split since she was around 1 however remained on fairly good terms. However, the beginning of this year things came to head, years of him picking up our daughter late, not paying me child maintenance or when he ever does it being very late, speaking to me like a piece of shit and blaming every issue regarding our daughter on my parenting, he also on this particular day told me he wished he had our daughter with his partner rather than me. So I ended up losing my temper with him by shouting and swearing and he has never let it go.

He told me that day he was done with me and to never speak to him again and he meant it. To be honest since then it has been bliss, I have managed to drop off and collect daughter and just stay in the car and watch her go in with him. We haven't spoken at all apart from the odd text which is literally, "I'll pick daughter up at 5" "ok".

Anyways, within the past couple of weeks there has been a real obvious deterioration in my daughters behaviour. Not only that but when it's time to go to her dad (he has her 3 nights a week) she begs me not to send her and to stay with me, the past two nights she's been screaming down the phone wanting to come home.

I am obviously concerned about this behaviour and so I text him asking to discuss it and he has ignored me multiple times, he refuses to text, email, have a telephone conversation or face to face. I was on FaceTime with her earlier and he was in the background of the room and I could honestly feel the tension through the phone, it's horrible. He has said in the past "she only wants to go home because you are so laid back" which I agree, he is much stricter with her and she gets away with a lot more at my house.

My question is, WIBU to stop sending her to her dads until he has a discussion about this? I want to get to the bottom of it as it really upsets me thinking of her miserable at his house. I would like to ensure we're on the same page and parenting her the same, same rules etc at each house. If I am being unreasonable then what is the alternative? Do I just accept I will never be able to coparent with him? If so how do I stop the worry?

Thanks in advance

@dontdisturbmenow

Not the norm?

Across the world it is more likely to be the norm than not...

The ex could sit with DD until she falls asleep. Would you really leave a 6 year old to cry herself to sleep every evening? Would you force a 6 year old to do some exercises they hate and refuse them breakfast if they didn't do it?? Would you expect a 6 year old not to be worried and upset about it the night before?

Across the world it is more likely to be the norm than not...
But not in this country. What's your solution then? 5he child stops seeing her father until she decides she's ok not to sleep with OP any longer?

I think a bit of compassion towards his 6 year old child wouldnt go a miss. also, please don't make it a weird thing - I know so many children that stay in with their parents or sneak in during the night. my 9 year old (yes 9!) sister still gets in with my mum and dad sometimes in the early hours. it's not weird or not normal, it's a comfort.

the solution is the father acts like a grown up and has a conversation with the mother to see what they can do to help their daughter settle better and enjoy her time at her fathers. I would hate it if my child didnt want to be with me and wanted to get back to their other parent as soon as possible

The thing is there are a lot of assumptions being made. "let's do Joe Wicks then we'll sit down and have a nice breakfast" is very different to "you will do military circuits and not get a scrap of food until you do". And 6 year olds are amazing, wonderful little creatures but can also not be the best at communicating. They are also very prone to telling people what they think they want to hear. She may be blissfully unaware that there is conflict between you and her dad, or she may be absolutely aware of it and her current behaviour could be her trying to cope with navigating her way between you both.

Like a PP said, children can very much adapt to different rules in different places (eg. Most cope perfectly well with different rules at home and school) - problems arise when the child is made to feel that they are wrong for behaving differently in each home. They need reassurance that its OK that they do things differently at dad's or mum's, eg. "it's OK that you go to bed later when your home with mum, but when you're home with dad we do things differently because that works here".

It sounds to me that you are both good parents doing your best in tricky circumstances, but your girl will need you to communicate so do what you can to get him to agree to mediation.

You might want to remove your post OP. Identifying names .

Nothing wrong with his text to you there, @introorextro.

You might want to remove your post OP. Identifying names .

I was about to say the same thing.

Can't see anything wrong with his text either. But you need to take it down. You could easily be identified from that. Or someone with the same names in their life could be misidentified as you.

To be fair... he doesn't seem totally unresponsive from his message...he has his stricter style of parenting and won't budge.

He'll find that as she gets older, she may not have much of a relationship if he comes across like a dictator.

I'm not impressed by insisting on a workout before breakfast and no meal if she doesn't want to. That's not acceptable IMO.

Does she have her own room there? Her own space?

I think he was out of order saying he wished he had DD with his partner.

She has a phone? Is that normal? I have toddlers.

Can you clarify a bit about the no-breakfast work out? Would she not get breakfast if she didn't do it?

That text seems perfectly reasonable, although identifying

@TinyPigeon

Would she not get breakfast if she didn't do it?

It looks like from this comment.

she's not allowed to eat before her workout as he believes it's better to fast for the workout. It has on occasion led to her skipping breakfast entirely and only having lunch and dinner.

That text is fine. He's just not saying what you want to hear.

Provided your Dd is also doing her schoolwork and is well behaved at your house then it sounds as though she doesn't want to be at her dads.

What's does she say about what she doesn't like there?
Re the co sleeping. If she feels more secure and sleeps well (you too) it's a non issue.

Making a 6 yo workout before breakfast is utterly crazy.

Offer day time outings, and stop overnights. You will need a court order in place and they will take your DDs feelings into account and maybe get a better explanation from your ex of his behaviour.

That text seems fine to me too.

Telling the OP to stop overnights is so irresponsible. Imagine what he might be saying "she let's her do what she likes an donly has her at week ends where she gets to be fun mum. She never does homework with her and she encourages her to be really clingy and makes her sleep in her bed with her." Now I'm not saying that op is guilty of any of that but when you have two parents who aren't communicating with each other, who have underlying resentments and who are taking at face value what a confused 6 year old is saying each will have their own version of the truth. Stopping any contact at all will only entrench the conflict further and in the long term this is terrible for the child. Mum has no right to stop dad's overnights just as dad has no right to stop mums overnights because he disagrees with her parenting. If either have serious concerns about the child's safety then yes stop contact and call social services. Otherwise it's just he said/she said.