Ex refuses to co parent with me

[introorextro]

Me and my ex share a 6 year old daughter, we have been split since she was around 1 however remained on fairly good terms. However, the beginning of this year things came to head, years of him picking up our daughter late, not paying me child maintenance or when he ever does it being very late, speaking to me like a piece of shit and blaming every issue regarding our daughter on my parenting, he also on this particular day told me he wished he had our daughter with his partner rather than me. So I ended up losing my temper with him by shouting and swearing and he has never let it go.

He told me that day he was done with me and to never speak to him again and he meant it. To be honest since then it has been bliss, I have managed to drop off and collect daughter and just stay in the car and watch her go in with him. We haven't spoken at all apart from the odd text which is literally, "I'll pick daughter up at 5" "ok".

Anyways, within the past couple of weeks there has been a real obvious deterioration in my daughters behaviour. Not only that but when it's time to go to her dad (he has her 3 nights a week) she begs me not to send her and to stay with me, the past two nights she's been screaming down the phone wanting to come home.

I am obviously concerned about this behaviour and so I text him asking to discuss it and he has ignored me multiple times, he refuses to text, email, have a telephone conversation or face to face. I was on FaceTime with her earlier and he was in the background of the room and I could honestly feel the tension through the phone, it's horrible. He has said in the past "she only wants to go home because you are so laid back" which I agree, he is much stricter with her and she gets away with a lot more at my house.

My question is, WIBU to stop sending her to her dads until he has a discussion about this? I want to get to the bottom of it as it really upsets me thinking of her miserable at his house. I would like to ensure we're on the same page and parenting her the same, same rules etc at each house. If I am being unreasonable then what is the alternative? Do I just accept I will never be able to coparent with him? If so how do I stop the worry?

Thanks in advance

Why is she at yours every weekend and not during the week? It's almost like you're the Disney parent with the fun stuff and he has to do the 'work'.

Can't the roles be shared?

Hang on a sec, so your ex has to do all the school work, while you bum around with her for 3 days every week relaxing and not getting dressed, doing fun stuff and you giving her your undivided attention. She doesn't have to sleep in her own bed. I wonder what else she doesn't have to do. If this was the other way round, you'd get slated as a Disney dad - all fun and no boundaries.

This could very easily look like Disney mum who was abusive to her ex partner and is now using the child as a way to force communication....imagine if the genders were reversed here? I don't think a court would look favourably on the mum's behaviour at all.

[quote introorextro]@dontdisturbmenow it's not that there is a great difference in education, I agree she should be homeschooled but she gets that Monday to Thursday with her dad. She's at my house at the weekend where I don't think there should be school work, just as how it is when she is at school [/quote]
In the light of this update, I agree with the recent posters saying that if the sexes were reversed, you'd be jumped on as being a Disney Dad.

No wonder she doesn't like being at her Dad's if he's having to do all the legwork and discipline and she just has fun at yours.

'doesn't let her have any breakfast until she has done her morning workout '

Get GP advice on this. This seems abusive and will likely set her up for a life-time of eating issues.

OP the more you post the more it seems obvious the issue is your lack of parenting. No wonder she prefers it yours when she gets to sleep in mummys bed and all your attention to herself/do what she wants! I suggest you start setting rules and boundaries unless you want to raise a brat

This is going to be a reverse, isn't it..........................

What you are doing isn't fair. All you need to do it one day of homeschooling on a Friday to keep up the structure of a school week. then there are two days for relaxing.

Others will disagree but I think it's the right thing to allow your child to sleep with you if it gives them comfort especially during this situation. There has been a ton of articles about how children regress in times of stress and need to be nurtured and babied a little which helps them. Younger children regress with potty training etc.

If he has her for four days, and you have her for three, how come he needs to pay you child maintenance?

I would like to ensure we're on the same page and parenting her the same, same rules etc at each house.

But only if he adapts to your (lack of) rules, and not the other way round? Seriously, I do think you need to parent her more firmly, or as someone else said, you will live to regret it when she's a bratty tween.

maybe she is co-sleeping as a result of what is happening at Dad's not what is happening at Mum's house. Maybe she needs the comfort. If she were more secure at Dad's then she would not need to cosleep with mum.

Have you tried to sleep in her room?

It sounds like there's been a change in residency recently if he now has her 4 days and you three. Is this only because of Covid? Is it going to change back to what it was before?

She's probably confided if he's become the more in charge parent and you more the weekend fun one.

It would be best to indeed discuss things but you need to be prepared to make changes too.

If your approach is to stop her going there when he is more the resident parent currently, it's really not going to look good and if that's your state of mind, it's unlikely communication will go well.

You need to accept that he is as entitled as you to discipline and educate your child as you are, so the starting point is you both have the same rights and go from there.

Going against the grain a bit here
It’s quite normal and reasonable to have separate ‘rules’ at each parents house. Courts won’t expect the same. Children can understand this
It’s also not unreasonable that he wants some boundaries and expectations with regard exercise or eating etc
If his house was more fun and you were the one trying to have rules and boundaries everyone would still say he’s unreasonable

Of course ideally you should be able to discuss and agree but in the absence of that I don’t think you’d be right to stop her going

I'm assuming he has her mon,tues,weds night?

If you were going to say no overnights, would this mean you'd have to drop her off to him in the morning so that he can do her homeschooling and then you pick her up in the evening? So essentially he'd be a babysitter??

I'm not really sure why he needs to pay you maintenance when you seem to share her 50/50?

Why don't you ask to have her from Thursday morning so she only has 3 school days with him and 4 with you?

I think that would be a big help for a start.

She is at her dads house Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday night and back at my house after dinner on Thursday. I then have her Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday night. @saraclara

I don't know why PPs have just decided that there are no rules or structure in my house and that I let her do as she pleases. Of course there are rules, she has a reward chart, she has chores to do (as much as a 6 year old can do), tidiness for me is very important so she has to keep her room tidy after playing, we read loads, if she misbehaves there are consequences. To the posters saying she gets my undivided attention...I'm not sure that is a bad thing to be honest but of course she doesn't, I still have to get on with other things, I work part time and have just finished my second year at university, she's had to amuse herself at times when I have been studying or when I am cleaning up or exercising etc.

I work a Tuesday and a Thursday and he works different days over the weekend, that is why the arrangement is how it is. It was like this pre COVID also and seems to work for us. However, only started around a year and a half ago, previous to that I had her 5 nights, him 2.

It's laughable that PPs are saying that he's done all of the legwork, it's categorically not true, I have my strengths and I have my weaknesses and I do believe that children learn just as much through experiences and making memories than they do sitting at a desk. We are going through a pandemic and I think 5 days of homeschooling is too much for a 6 year old. Hell it's too much for the parents also! I am not and don't ever wish to be a teacher!

@RosiePosies it's just what comes up through the government calculator, he doesn't pay me much as he doesn't make much.

Is she with you during the day on a Monday? Such a shame you work Thursday :(

I was wondering if you suggested having her on a Wednesday from breakfast and dropping her back Thursday on your way to work?

I think DD is unhappy, many DC are really struggling through lockdown and a father that forces to exercise and makes a meal dependent on behaviour does not sound like a kind and loving environment for a child that is struggling...

Shes old enough to know what she wants to do. If she doesn't want to go she doesn't have to.
Fasted exercise is for weight loss and not neccesary for children at all. Honestly I wouldn't even consider it safe on a deliberate and regular basis.
I'd revert back to day visits, they can go the park orfor a bike ride and when shes ready she can choose to stay over.

It sounds and you said it yourself that the main issue is the sleeping. It's fine to continue to sleep with her but you can only do this by also saying that she needs to learn and accept that this is not how it goes when she is with her dad.

If it is distressing her when she's there to the point of her being unhappy, it really is also your responsibility to put more effort in getting to sleep on her own at yours too.

Stopping contact and missing on everything else is much less a reasobsble option.

I am really saddened by the posters that thinking a child sleeping with their Mum is the cause of the problem rather than a child just not being ready and needing the extra security of someone with them

It's very much a cultural think that in the UK DC are expected to sleep alone...

It's certainly not a great time to try and change it with her Mum when she is already so distressed when with her Dad!

I dont think there is anything wrong with your daughter sleeping in with you. she will eventually grow out of it. I used to share with my mum when I was younger - can assure you it wasnt still happening when I was a teenager!

I think your ex needs to grow up a bit and have a conversation. you loosing your temper obviously wasnt great but I can understand where the frustration has come from if he was shit in the past with money and visits. that isnt because you're a woman btw, I would understand anyone reaching explosion point in the circumstances, sounds like it would of been incredibly frustrating and I'm sure you had to pick up the slack on both fronts.

you're going to have to insist on a conversation, I'm not saying it wont be uncomfortable and possibly defensive initially but you're going to have to. do you know his parents (if they're involved/still with us) and are you sure the partner wouldn't be of any help?

her crying and getting upset cant be pleasant for him and his partner either, quite strange he wouldnt want to get it sorted himself

Apart from anything else, it's a bit silly of him to try to enforce morning workouts if she doesn't enjoy it. There are so many enjoyable ways for children to get exercise! The goal is for them to develop healthy habits, surely. He's making it more likely she will reject the idea of daily exercise altogether.

My ex is like this - believes if he is firm enough, they will do it, and doing what he says is his main goal, rather than the longer-term aims of parenting and nurturing a happy, healthy child.

Sleeping with a parent at 6yo is not the norm. Her dad and am should feel obliged to do it too because OP is happy to do so with her DD.

OP herself said that was the main issue so what's the solution? Why should her father be punished from contact with his daughter because he won't share his bed with her?

Somehow both parents need to work with the child to accept the difference and not be distressed.