Ex refuses to co parent with me

[introorextro]

Me and my ex share a 6 year old daughter, we have been split since she was around 1 however remained on fairly good terms. However, the beginning of this year things came to head, years of him picking up our daughter late, not paying me child maintenance or when he ever does it being very late, speaking to me like a piece of shit and blaming every issue regarding our daughter on my parenting, he also on this particular day told me he wished he had our daughter with his partner rather than me. So I ended up losing my temper with him by shouting and swearing and he has never let it go.

He told me that day he was done with me and to never speak to him again and he meant it. To be honest since then it has been bliss, I have managed to drop off and collect daughter and just stay in the car and watch her go in with him. We haven't spoken at all apart from the odd text which is literally, "I'll pick daughter up at 5" "ok".

Anyways, within the past couple of weeks there has been a real obvious deterioration in my daughters behaviour. Not only that but when it's time to go to her dad (he has her 3 nights a week) she begs me not to send her and to stay with me, the past two nights she's been screaming down the phone wanting to come home.

I am obviously concerned about this behaviour and so I text him asking to discuss it and he has ignored me multiple times, he refuses to text, email, have a telephone conversation or face to face. I was on FaceTime with her earlier and he was in the background of the room and I could honestly feel the tension through the phone, it's horrible. He has said in the past "she only wants to go home because you are so laid back" which I agree, he is much stricter with her and she gets away with a lot more at my house.

My question is, WIBU to stop sending her to her dads until he has a discussion about this? I want to get to the bottom of it as it really upsets me thinking of her miserable at his house. I would like to ensure we're on the same page and parenting her the same, same rules etc at each house. If I am being unreasonable then what is the alternative? Do I just accept I will never be able to coparent with him? If so how do I stop the worry?

Thanks in advance

@Isleepinahedgefund thank you! I think you're right, we are living in a crazy world and now is not the time to make changes to what she is used to! Think I will leave it for now and wait till end of summer maybe.

@RandomMess yeah she used to get respite when at school, those have always been his days with her, so she'd be at school all day and on top of that had lots of after school activities so it was really just a case of getting fed, washed and bed then back up for school next day when at his house.

I wouldn't be making her stay there if she is that unhappy.

@RandomMess also yes, I will find out who the best person to speak to about this is and see what they recommend. I'm all about keeping kids healthy but there's a way to do it and there's always that worry that making a big deal out of it or forcing them is going to cause issues later on down the line.

The things that stood out. She needs to be sleeping in her own room. So keep trying. The exercise thing is totally unacceptable. This alone would raise a red flag. I don't think I would send her for the time being. But do you think you need to be a bit less laid back if she is used to getting her own way. Not saying she is.

If your not under court order follow your instinct I did. My son was like this everytime his father turned up at my house. To the point he made himself sick. I refused to let him go in that state and would tell him to come back later. If it happened then he did not take him because I said no. This resulted in him calling me every name under the sun ang threatening court I told him to go ahead. He stopped seeing him for months in the end then decided he wanted to bother again. This cycle carried on for ages. Now aged 13 it's been 8 years since his father saw him. In the 5 years he was involved he spent over half it absent. If your not legally under orders then follow your instinct. As for him not paying you could contact cms. However just be aware that could trigger him to actually bother with courts. Mind you my sons father never bothered as court would cost him. He just pays as little as he can but since he knows I will make them take it if he doesn't pay which will add 20%on top of what he pays he hasn't missed a payment since I involved them

I didn't have a court order for years, but was surprised when we did get this what it did and didn't include.
Him writing rubbish about me and my factual list of events were pretty much ignored and the 'best interests' of the DC came above everything: including handover times, medical and educational needs and shared holidays. Thus, if you go to court they will look at routine and not want to listen to bitching & moaning on either side.

In your case, he may get her to exercise before eating, but she does have food. She may have a big bedroom instead of sleeping in your bed, but she has a bed. My point is that you cannot change the things there as much as he cannot force you to become strict like him. As much as you may hate his approach he is her dad.

My DC regularly moan to me about their dad and his partner, but I find it better to just hear them out as that is what they need. They don't expect me to make him become a reflective and considerate person as we all know he is not capable of empathy.

Set your priorities and expectations and focus on this, rather than stew on what happens in his household.

[quote introorextro]@OoohTheStatsDontLie she just says she's bored there and that he makes her workout before he lets her eat breakfast, she says at night she misses me and cries till she falls asleep 😢 she also says my house is more fun and I know that's not good and that I should implement some new rules but I just don't want to be as strict as things are at his house either.

I wouldn't feel comfortable with his new partner mediating, nothing against her but I think she has her own opinion of me so I don't think she would be unbiased. One of our parents or a close family friend I suppose could. But once again, if he doesn't agree to it (which I doubt he will) then I don't know any other options. [/quote]
The idea of mediation isn't that another member of the family does it!
Mediation has to be done by someone entirely unconnected with both parties, so that neither can see the mediator as being biased in favour of one or the other. And it needs to be someone trained to do so.

Read about it here:
www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/

@saraclara a PP mentioned an informal mediation, that's why I responded with that.

[quote introorextro]@saraclara a PP mentioned an informal mediation, that's why I responded with that. [/quote]
I don't think the PP meant family and friends though. More 'informal' as opposed to 'legal'.

Involving family/partners/friends would be a terrible idea.

Oh, I just scrolled back and saw that the PP mentioned the partner. That's still a terrible idea though. The potential for fall out is great.

If she is already anxious, pushing her to sleep without you will make it worse, not better. Meet their needs, until they grow out of them.

Your house sounds great, no wonder she prefers it. His sounds like an army camp. There's nothing wrong with an unstructured childhood; you don't learn self-motivation from other people forcing you to do things.

What happens at handover? If you stay in the car, does she just get out meekly and go with him, even though she was objecting before that? Or does he see her objecting?

NameChangeOnceMore What a load of horse crap you just shoveled out of the barn!

If he were to refuse to return her to you after her time with him, how would you react? Would you think it was reasonable? My 6 year old told me recently I was a monster for asking her calmly to help her sibling tidy their room.... Should my husband remove her from my care?

Like a PP said, courts are not interested in who is stricter or more fun, they are concerned about ensuring the wellbeing of the child and research shows that it is significantly better for children to maintain good relationships with both parents where it is safe.

It sounds like you have really tried to communicate with him but he's not responding, and mediation is the only positive possibility. Court will only erode your relationship further.

“She also sleeps in beside me at night which she does not want to change any time soon and at her dads she sleeps in her own room which I think is a huge part of it.”

Yes I think this is a massive part of the issue, at 6 years old she really should be sleeping in her own room.
You also don’t know how she is behaving at Dads, maybe he is pulling her up things (as he should) but she doesn’t like it because she gets away with it at home? Kids need structure and routine, it sounds like you both have very different styles of parenting and its causing DD to become confused and upset she doesn’t know where she stands.

Stopping contact is a bloody dangerous suggestion. The father is entitled to do the same thing. He could keep DD until their is a court date and it could take ages. I'd go through court but I wouldn't stop contact unless the OP would like to be on the receiving end of that someday.

I agree that mediation with a trained mediator might be a good first step. You can't go on like this for years, it won't be good for your DD at all if you're having to "force" her to see her Dad - or allowing her not to see him and then he makes a massive fuss.

She has to workout before she’s allowed to eat breakfast? At 6?! That’s insane.

Agree with pp that I would suggest mediation, and I wouldn’t force her to go to his house in the interim, until he agrees to discuss it.

If you stop contact and it goes to court the judge will have to decide if you had a good reason to stop your daughter seeing her Dad who at the moment had around 50/50 custody. I would write him an email or letter (and keep a copy) addressing your concerns and maybe offer mediation. If you do end up in family court you want to look like you are reasonable and have facilitated contact. I think stopping all contact suddenly would look bad on you in court to be honest.

He would never keep our daughter from me, it would interfere with his life too much and just wouldn't happen, I am confident about that. I think in the meantime I will suggest that maybe she just spends the three days at her dads with my picking her up just after dinner until he is willing to communicate and see how he feels about that. If it is just a case of her finding my house more fun then I will try and be a little more structured and disciplined but it's really just not in my nature. I grew up in a strict home where you had to get up and dressed every day, there was no down time at all so you could say I have went the complete opposite way which is maybe not good for our daughter and may be confusing her going from one extreme to another. It's hard though because I think we each parent how comes naturally to us so it's difficult to change that.

It sounds like the issue is your disparity in education so both are at fault. It is natural for any child to want to be with the parent who lets them do what they want and give them undivided attention. This doesn't mean it is best for them.

If he won’t budge on the morning workout, is there any chance you can send her with a few cereal bars or individually wrapped brioche or similar so at least she can quickly eat something before she has to do it?

I appreciate this is a very difficult suggestion but I honestly think the only solution here is for you and your Ex to start communicating again. You have too many differences in your parenting style, e.g. sleeping arrangements, homework vs relaxing and the exercise thing. You either have to adopt the same style of parenting or have a united front with your DD that she needs to adapt to each parent's style.

It might be worth getting some legal advice but I would worry that should this question of contact end up in courts no court would want to deal with the minutia of small parenting decision, e.g. a judge might frown about exercise before breakfast requirement but it is not enough to stop contact, and equally judicial brows may be raised at a 6yo who sleeps with her parent but neither is this enough to justify limiting contact.

Which means that your Ex and you need to sort this out among yourselves. Could you write him a really non-judgemental email suggesting a way forward so that you two can communicate more about DD's needs?

@dontdisturbmenow it's not that there is a great difference in education, I agree she should be homeschooled but she gets that Monday to Thursday with her dad. She's at my house at the weekend where I don't think there should be school work, just as how it is when she is at school

TBH I don,t think doing 30 mins excercise is cruel, but it depends on how it is done doesn,t it. (and what excercise)

My dsc has one parent who is stricter than the other. My dh can be a walkover who does way too much for his son ie things that he is very capable of doing for himself. But he literally gets away with everything at his mum's and i think she's starting to regret being so chilled when he was younger (co sleeping sounds familiar) now he's approaching teenage years and she's going to be in for a world of pain as he's never had boundaries and so doesn't respect them. He's never been made to do anything at all he doesn't want to do. Maybe your ex has a point that you need to think about.