Posting for traffic - anyone born via donor egg/sperm?

[Bestexoticmarigoldhotel]

Hi all, we are in position of potentially needing donor help to have a baby. I see lots of parents saying their child loves them and they’re the mother etc and the family but I would worry about when the child is older or an adult what their thoughts would be whereas all I’ve seen is children around 4 or babies who can’t process complex thoughts.

Has anyone experience of this?

Please don’t turn this into a bun fight on whether donor is correct or not - I am working through that myself.

Hi OP, I was conceived by anonymous donor sperm to same sex parents (two mums). I’m 30, so there aren’t very many of us around!

I feel like both of my mums are my mums - including extended families etc. It’s unthinkable to me to think of them differently because I don’t share DNA with one. Absolutely never crossed my mind ever to shout ‘you’re not even my real mum’ - I see you mentioned that as a worry. The people who bring you up are your parents.

You sound like you would make a brilliant mum, and have clearly thought about it a lot. Go for it!

Hi OP

It's not something I've experienced but have given thought to as we have both our children via IVF (using our own eggs and sperm) but issues around donation of eggs and embryos have always been part of the mix of discussions. We're currently trying to work out what to do with our precious frozen embryos and thinking it all through in detail is extremely difficult.

I think with regard to parenting my experience would be that whoever provides the parenting day to day is the parent regardless of biology. Nothing will change the years of love, tears, cuddles, early mornings, Calpol, homework, late night lifts home, shoulder to cry on etc etc.

Teenagers can be terrible regardless of biology and I have vague memories of shouting 'I wish you weren't my mum!' at my own mother, which now I have children fills me with horror (sorry mum )

It's good to think through the perspectives and potential pitfalls. IVF is wonderful and has given us a family but it is a mindfuck. You face all sorts of ethical questions you wouldn't even give a minutes thought to if you conceived naturally.

Theres some really good donor conceived Facebook pages.
Ive found them a mine of information, experiences and really useful. You do have to go in with an open mind as they aren't afraid (rightly so) to tell people when they are prioritising their want of a baby over the potential needs of that child, but have lots of advice about the importance of language, openness, and including donor siblings and donors into your childs network

@SherbertSaucers

Hi OP, I was conceived by anonymous donor sperm to same sex parents (two mums). I’m 30, so there aren’t very many of us around!

I feel like both of my mums are my mums - including extended families etc. It’s unthinkable to me to think of them differently because I don’t share DNA with one. Absolutely never crossed my mind ever to shout ‘you’re not even my real mum’ - I see you mentioned that as a worry. The people who bring you up are your parents.

You sound like you would make a brilliant mum, and have clearly thought about it a lot. Go for it!

Think we are part of a pretty exclusive club! Our mums probably know each other...

On one of the threads about surrogacy, I read that there were studies showing the genes of the pregnant woman do have an affect on the baby, so although the egg isn't hers, her DNA still influences the development of the child. Your body is literally making that baby. DNA isn't everything when it comes to being the 'real' mum.

It was a little less “organised” than an official sperm donor, but my dad wasn’t my biological father as he couldn’t have children.

It hasn’t ever really bothered me, but as PP touched on - I always knew. I don’t remember ever being sat down and specifically told so I’m not sure at what age they introduced it but I am sure it never came as a big shock. I think in many cases the issues arise when it’s kept secret and teens or adults find out on their own.

I have no interest in contacting my biological father though I’m vaguely aware of who he is. The only thing I ever remember being surprised at is when my parents divorced and I saw my birth certificate while the moving was going on - my very by the rules mother had put my dad on and I was so surprised she’d “lied”

@2many2count2020 haha, yes, we certainly are! They probably do. I love meeting other people in the same situation, but we’re few and far between...!

@Bestexoticmarigoldhotel I have a son from double donation. It’s a long story. I could not love him more. I feel very lucky We will tell him from early on. Active members of dcn, it’s really worth checking out- donor conception network. Wish I had known about egg donation when I was young. I would have absolutely done it.

I think if you're honest with your children from the beginning, there won't be a problem. Problems are only created if people lie about it to their children. Your children will see you as their mother because you're the one who will carry them for 9 months, nourish them and love them. All the best xxx

^^this

But do keep in mind that you could feel like the "odd one out " as your kid will not resemble you but does resemble your husband. (This also goes for the fact that Your kid will share his mannerisms and character traits. But those things, i believe, are determined by nature AND nurture). Also keep in mind that your kid will probably at some stage want to find his biological mum and you will have to be mentally ready for this.

Ps you need to rethink your disciplinairy messures because you cant realisticly expect your husband to do all that. Your the kids mum whether you share genes or not! I have only once said my mum wasnt my mum to her face. And that was waaaaay before puberty. And als it was the only time ever as i realised what a big fat jerk i was. Very ashamed of that.

Just realise it is not all sunshine and rainbows. But neither would that be the case if you could have a kid that is genetically your dh and yours.

I guess the only big difference is that one day you might feel like you will be put in a second place position if your kid decides to chase up his genetics (biological mum). You have to prepare for that. For your own sake AND your kid.
All the best

Also dna doesn't determine who FEELS like the REAL mum to your kid. Unconditional love does. A life time of being cared for and being cherrised does. This list is endless.