Posting for traffic - anyone born via donor egg/sperm?

[Bestexoticmarigoldhotel]

Hi all, we are in position of potentially needing donor help to have a baby. I see lots of parents saying their child loves them and they’re the mother etc and the family but I would worry about when the child is older or an adult what their thoughts would be whereas all I’ve seen is children around 4 or babies who can’t process complex thoughts.

Has anyone experience of this?

Please don’t turn this into a bun fight on whether donor is correct or not - I am working through that myself.

@cabinfever2 thanks for your views. When I think about it sometimes I think we’ll it’s an egg that was donated. If my husband didn’t provide the sperm and I carry and nourish and birth the baby then that person wouldn’t have existed - they would’ve just been another egg ovulated away at the end of the month. So then I think we can bring this person to life and we would be the parents who raise and care for and give this person opportunities. Then I like you worry about the half siblings! Also my DH who would be father has a tiny family - 1 brother - all others passed away whereas I have a large family and nieces and neeojews etc and I worry that the child would feel like they aren’t actually related to 99% of their family. Just to the 1% and that might be tough too.

Maybe Im way over thinking it.

@Bestexoticmarigoldhotel No, none of us have tried or been particularly interested. I did a DNA test a few years ago but more for the idea of finding out about ethnic background/medical history. It didn't show up anything interesting and I doubt I'll look any further. I'm pretty certain my siblings are even less motivated to investigate than I am.

Yes exactly , an egg isn't a baby , we shed many every month so i don't feel it would be any part of me but I do have to think of my own children and how that would affect them if they then had the child come and find them in 18 years

Thanks for taking the time to respond @hotpinkparade your family pines great!

@Missmonkeypenny I would love that if it wasn’t too much trouble.

@cabinfever2 I’m the same in reverse! Like growing up knowing I have x brothers and sisters then finding out well actually I have more!!

Bestexotic I'll type it out for you and send it over later for you. Would you also like to look at my 'pen portrait'? It's what you'd be sent when choosing a donor to find out info about them.

@missmonkeypenny thank you and yes!!!

'@montyliesandmontycries do you know many older donor conceived children who have maintained a close relationship with their parents? I just worry of going through it all and raising them and then ending up resenting me. I know we would be great parents'

Yes, I do - they're all close to their parents. That seems an odd Q to me, why would they not be? I don't now your circs but the families we know are all LGBTQ so there's been no disguising of the fact that the kids are donor conceived, they have two mums for the most part, some have known donors who are involved in some way.
I know of one straight couple who have used a donor for their 2nd child, close friends like us know, and they're debating whether or not to tell the children when they're older. Because they're a conventional family it's not obvious that one child has a different biological parent. For me it's a no-brainer - they should tell the kids, be open, explain why you made this choice, talk about it. Their parents are still their parents.
I think the danger comes when people try to keep secrets about stuff like this, it comes out then the children feel betrayed or let down or confused/ashamed.

www.dcnetwork.org/

Here you go - they have lots of literature around donor conception and kids, lots of experience, and run workshops including ones for dc children.

I used donor sperm to become a single mother of 2 daughters using the same donor. At the time, I decided that it was very important for the children to know who the donor was, so went to massive trouble and expense to use a willing to be known donor from abroad. This meant that I had a small element of choice, with more information about the donor than was available if using a UK donor (at that time UK donors were supposed to be permanently anonymous, and you just got very basic information about physical appearance). The UK hospital then messed up and sent me information about the donor, including his name, so my DCs have basically always known about him and can look him up on Facebook anytime. Under the donor agreement, he is willing to meet them when they are 18.
So how has it worked out? The DCs are now teenagers. They have always shown very little interest in the donor. This may or may not partly be because they have always had information about him. We know enough about him to be confident that he's a decent man. They have shown no interest in meeting him or communicating with him. We are in touch with a number of families, all abroad, who have children using the same donor - there's an organisation which puts families in touch with each other. We've met one of the families. Again, the children are fine with that, but not especially interested. My children don't look much like any of the other children.
My children have never given any sign of resenting being donor conceived. It's never seemed to be an issue for them.
One thing to think about is that your child may take after the donor more than you. In our family, one of my children in particular seems to take after the donor - in a good way. If a child is very different from you and your partner, or from their siblings, this is something you may notice. Eg. if your husband is very outgoing but the donor is introverted, you may find that the child is not the kind of person you were expecting your child to be or find it easy to bring up. Hope that helps.

Hi OP
My DH and I have three children born by donor sperm. My DDs are 13 (quite mature)and my DS is 7. We have been open from the start.

We have talked about it a lot with all of them but no real issues or problems. Think one of my DDs likes having something different about her. I don't think the things you mention are likely to be issues once you actually start parenting. When you give birth to a baby, go through the 9 months, then years of sleepless nights, nappy changes, hospital visits etc parenting and love (at least for dh and I) becomes automatic.

There is no way my DH would walk on eggshells with our kids and ask me to be the disciplinarian. We both discipline them when necessary because we love them, in the same way that we give them lifts and look after them when they are sick. Sometimes kids say awful things to you (I can't recall the amount of times all 3 of mine have told me they hate me when I have stopped them doing something they want to do). They don't mean it, they say it because we are safe and they can. If they said "but you are not my real dad" which they might although haven't ever done, it would have very limited impact on us after all this time as we know they don't really feel that. They love and need both of us. If we divorced, which we won't, they would want to 50/50 with us because we are both essential to them.

Ditto my dh's family - they are just granny and grandpa who spoil them and given them lots of sweets. Both of my girls are exeptionally close with my dh's mum (not sure why she is a bit annoying from my perspective but they love her deeply and she loves them.) That isn't ever going to change and they always both talking about moving to where she lives in later life to be with her (over my dead body and I moving up there). They don't just feel related to my side of the family although like lots ofkids they like to talk abotu where they inherited certain traits from.

My kids were born just after anonymity ended so they can contact donor at 18. My gut feel is one will want to, the other won't and the little boy is too young to know. Neither my husband or I mind (genuinely, truely), our only concern is that they might get hurt and that is my only concern with the whole donor thing. You don't necessarily think about their feelings before they get here but once they do all you think about is protecting them. I hope these formative years with us and our openness on the donor issues will give them great resilience and confidence that they are loved and (different families are different etc) this will stand them in good stead if they do have questions but, of course, I don't know for sure yet.

Would DH and I do it again, selfishly, yes we would as they all bring us so much joy and I think they are happy kids who will add lots to the world. Join the donor conception network to get in contact with parents of older children and donor conceived kids themselves.

We have a donor conceived child aged 7 (egg donation) and have always been open with her. She seems fine with it so far. We had treatment in Greece where the law is different and the donor cannot be identified.

would have to be comfortable with helping the child find the donor if they wish at 18 which is in itself tough if I’ve done all the child rearing.

This is something that might prove problematic. The child meeting their donor takes nothing away from your child rearing. My adoptive mother is hugely threatened by my birth mother, and it is a massive source of tension. Her resentfulness has placed irreparable strain on our relationship.

Speaking from experience, the only way to go into this would be with a completely open and accepting mind to the idea of your child tracing their biological heritage (or at least be able to mask any resentment).

My friend has two primary school aged children through a donor. They are fully aware of the donor - and have already met them. No issues so far - they are well balanced and very confident children.

I was conceived via sperm donor. I have 2 mums though so, as PP mentioned, I have always known I was not conceived in the conventional way! I am in my 30s and very close to both my mums. Have very little interest in my sperm donor beyond a vague curiosity that I have never followed up on (and unlikely I could, this was all done back in the day before any rules).

I think it is different for straight families where there is the option to keep it “secret”. I have friends who found out later in life and that their dads were not their biological dads and that did affect them, but this was more due to feeling they had been lied to.

Thanks So much @montyliesandmontycries @joonberry @gruffalo28 @Phineyj @quail15

Hearing all of your stories has really helped. all of our social circle have conceived naturally or with ivf but not donor and until the consultant mentioned it Wasn’t anything we knew or thought about. I’m feeling a lot happier about it already.

@MittensTheSerpent thanks I will keep this in mind.

Thanks @2many2count2020 for your views. We have already said we would only do it with a donor that can be traced (Spain etc you can go anonymous) and that we won’t do it unless we are happy with idea of child getting in contact with biological parent

My 2 DSs are donor conceived , now age 14 and 11. I had them as a single woman so they’ve never had a dad.
I have told both of them (in age appropriate ways) the true story from day 1.
Occasionally they have both said they’d like a dad - literally a handful of times. And both have occasionally asked about their donor (different donors) characteristics.
So far there is no sign of trauma or angst, but I know I’m not out of the woods yet.
Join the donor conception network, there are hundreds of people in your situation , there’s a lot of support and also a lot of literature.

We’ve also discussed things like my DH having to be the disciplinarian (even though he’s a big softie and I’m more strict) for a teen as I would be so upset if a ‘you’re not even my real mother’ was thrown at me in a teenage strop.

Think you might be worrying a bit far ahead here OP. And anyway, all teens are horrible to their parents sometimes. I had an awful relationship with my mum as a teen and told her I hated her (and meant it) a couple of times. Now as a mother myself I can imagine how much that must have hurt her to hear, but she never showed it on the surface. By the time you've made it to the teenage years I can guarantee you won't worry about reprimanding your child for fear of what she might say you to, because you'll have built a relationship over all the preceding years.

DH's cousin was conceived using a donor egg after his aunt and uncle struggled for years to conceive naturally. She's always known (she's 22 now), but never chose to pursue finding the egg donor. She's an only child and her mother is very much her mother; infact I'd say she's closer to her than she seems to be to her dad most of the time.

It feels a bit alien to say our kids are ‘donor conceived’ cos that’s not how we think of our family, they’re just our kids, equally. Our kids who happen to have two mums.

I tried the DC Network, but once the children were there I lost interest. You just bring them up the same way everyone else does.
It's worth remembering that your donor will probably have 20 other donor children of a similar age (don't know what the limit is). He's pretty unlikely to want a close relationship with all those 18 year olds.

@joonberry we are looking at egg donation so there should be less children I think.

@montyliesandmontycries I guess I think of it more as for a heterosexual couple it could be and we hoped for a natural conception but now looks more it will be donor conception. That’s how I would distinguish between the two types anyway in my head.

I think if you're honest with your children from the beginning, there won't be a problem. Problems are only created if people lie about it to their children. Your children will see you as their mother because you're the one who will carry them for 9 months, nourish them and love them. All the best xxx

I went to an annual meeting organised by the donor conception unit. It was really uplifting. They have tons of booklets on how to speak to your child, at various stages, about their bio origins and they really know how to handle this. Its also a way for families to share their experiences. I think donor embryos is more complicated, perhaps. There is also BICA for counsellors who specialise in this. Am assuming you are uk based? Sorry if you know all of this already

Then I like you worry about the half siblings! Also my DH who would be father has a tiny family - 1 brother - all others passed away whereas I have a large family and nieces and neeojews etc and I worry that the child would feel like they aren’t actually related to 99% of their family. Just to the 1% and that might be tough too. I've got children with different fathers, married twice and two kids from each marriage. My MIL made a remark about half siblings (not in a nice way) my son said, "We are from the same womb, we are brothers and sisters." Maybe think of it like that, the baby will be from your womb so a very definite relationship to your family. I know someone who is adopted and is into genealogy, sometimes when she talks about her ancestors (from her adoptive parents) I wonder if she ever thinks there is no biological link but clearly it doesn't worry her if she does.

Families come in all shapes and sizes, they are still families.