Posting for traffic - anyone born via donor egg/sperm?

[Bestexoticmarigoldhotel]

Hi all, we are in position of potentially needing donor help to have a baby. I see lots of parents saying their child loves them and they’re the mother etc and the family but I would worry about when the child is older or an adult what their thoughts would be whereas all I’ve seen is children around 4 or babies who can’t process complex thoughts.

Has anyone experience of this?

Please don’t turn this into a bun fight on whether donor is correct or not - I am working through that myself.

[Yeahnahmum]

Also dna doesn't determine who FEELS like the REAL mum to your kid. Unconditional love does. A life time of being cared for and being cherrised does. This list is endless.

[Yeahnahmum]

I think if you're honest with your children from the beginning, there won't be a problem. Problems are only created if people lie about it to their children. Your children will see you as their mother because you're the one who will carry them for 9 months, nourish them and love them. All the best xxx

^^this

But do keep in mind that you could feel like the "odd one out " as your kid will not resemble you but does resemble your husband. (This also goes for the fact that Your kid will share his mannerisms and character traits. But those things, i believe, are determined by nature AND nurture). Also keep in mind that your kid will probably at some stage want to find his biological mum and you will have to be mentally ready for this.

Ps you need to rethink your disciplinairy messures because you cant realisticly expect your husband to do all that. Your the kids mum whether you share genes or not! I have only once said my mum wasnt my mum to her face. And that was waaaaay before puberty. And als it was the only time ever as i realised what a big fat jerk i was. Very ashamed of that.

Just realise it is not all sunshine and rainbows. But neither would that be the case if you could have a kid that is genetically your dh and yours.

I guess the only big difference is that one day you might feel like you will be put in a second place position if your kid decides to chase up his genetics (biological mum). You have to prepare for that. For your own sake AND your kid.
All the best

[Angliski]

@Bestexoticmarigoldhotel I have a son from double donation. It’s a long story. I could not love him more. I feel very lucky We will tell him from early on. Active members of dcn, it’s really worth checking out- donor conception network. Wish I had known about egg donation when I was young. I would have absolutely done it.

[SherbertSaucers]

@2many2count2020 haha, yes, we certainly are! They probably do. I love meeting other people in the same situation, but we’re few and far between...!

[Sickofbroccoli]

It was a little less “organised” than an official sperm donor, but my dad wasn’t my biological father as he couldn’t have children.

It hasn’t ever really bothered me, but as PP touched on - I always knew. I don’t remember ever being sat down and specifically told so I’m not sure at what age they introduced it but I am sure it never came as a big shock. I think in many cases the issues arise when it’s kept secret and teens or adults find out on their own.

I have no interest in contacting my biological father though I’m vaguely aware of who he is. The only thing I ever remember being surprised at is when my parents divorced and I saw my birth certificate while the moving was going on - my very by the rules mother had put my dad on and I was so surprised she’d “lied”

[MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously]

On one of the threads about surrogacy, I read that there were studies showing the genes of the pregnant woman do have an affect on the baby, so although the egg isn't hers, her DNA still influences the development of the child. Your body is literally making that baby. DNA isn't everything when it comes to being the 'real' mum.

[2many2count2020]

@SherbertSaucers

Hi OP, I was conceived by anonymous donor sperm to same sex parents (two mums). I’m 30, so there aren’t very many of us around!

I feel like both of my mums are my mums - including extended families etc. It’s unthinkable to me to think of them differently because I don’t share DNA with one. Absolutely never crossed my mind ever to shout ‘you’re not even my real mum’ - I see you mentioned that as a worry. The people who bring you up are your parents.

You sound like you would make a brilliant mum, and have clearly thought about it a lot. Go for it!

Think we are part of a pretty exclusive club! Our mums probably know each other...

[Covidkate]

Theres some really good donor conceived Facebook pages.
Ive found them a mine of information, experiences and really useful. You do have to go in with an open mind as they aren't afraid (rightly so) to tell people when they are prioritising their want of a baby over the potential needs of that child, but have lots of advice about the importance of language, openness, and including donor siblings and donors into your childs network

[FavouriteFightingFrenchman]

Hi OP

It's not something I've experienced but have given thought to as we have both our children via IVF (using our own eggs and sperm) but issues around donation of eggs and embryos have always been part of the mix of discussions. We're currently trying to work out what to do with our precious frozen embryos and thinking it all through in detail is extremely difficult.

I think with regard to parenting my experience would be that whoever provides the parenting day to day is the parent regardless of biology. Nothing will change the years of love, tears, cuddles, early mornings, Calpol, homework, late night lifts home, shoulder to cry on etc etc.

Teenagers can be terrible regardless of biology and I have vague memories of shouting 'I wish you weren't my mum!' at my own mother, which now I have children fills me with horror (sorry mum )

It's good to think through the perspectives and potential pitfalls. IVF is wonderful and has given us a family but it is a mindfuck. You face all sorts of ethical questions you wouldn't even give a minutes thought to if you conceived naturally.

[SherbertSaucers]

Hi OP, I was conceived by anonymous donor sperm to same sex parents (two mums). I’m 30, so there aren’t very many of us around!

I feel like both of my mums are my mums - including extended families etc. It’s unthinkable to me to think of them differently because I don’t share DNA with one. Absolutely never crossed my mind ever to shout ‘you’re not even my real mum’ - I see you mentioned that as a worry. The people who bring you up are your parents.

You sound like you would make a brilliant mum, and have clearly thought about it a lot. Go for it!

[1forsorrow]

Then I like you worry about the half siblings! Also my DH who would be father has a tiny family - 1 brother - all others passed away whereas I have a large family and nieces and neeojews etc and I worry that the child would feel like they aren’t actually related to 99% of their family. Just to the 1% and that might be tough too. I've got children with different fathers, married twice and two kids from each marriage. My MIL made a remark about half siblings (not in a nice way) my son said, "We are from the same womb, we are brothers and sisters." Maybe think of it like that, the baby will be from your womb so a very definite relationship to your family. I know someone who is adopted and is into genealogy, sometimes when she talks about her ancestors (from her adoptive parents) I wonder if she ever thinks there is no biological link but clearly it doesn't worry her if she does.

Families come in all shapes and sizes, they are still families.

[P999]

I went to an annual meeting organised by the donor conception unit. It was really uplifting. They have tons of booklets on how to speak to your child, at various stages, about their bio origins and they really know how to handle this. Its also a way for families to share their experiences. I think donor embryos is more complicated, perhaps. There is also BICA for counsellors who specialise in this. Am assuming you are uk based? Sorry if you know all of this already

[Fiona1987]

I think if you're honest with your children from the beginning, there won't be a problem. Problems are only created if people lie about it to their children. Your children will see you as their mother because you're the one who will carry them for 9 months, nourish them and love them. All the best xxx

[Bestexoticmarigoldhotel]

@joonberry we are looking at egg donation so there should be less children I think.

@montyliesandmontycries I guess I think of it more as for a heterosexual couple it could be and we hoped for a natural conception but now looks more it will be donor conception. That’s how I would distinguish between the two types anyway in my head.

[joonberry]

I tried the DC Network, but once the children were there I lost interest. You just bring them up the same way everyone else does.
It's worth remembering that your donor will probably have 20 other donor children of a similar age (don't know what the limit is). He's pretty unlikely to want a close relationship with all those 18 year olds.

[montyliesandmontycries]

It feels a bit alien to say our kids are ‘donor conceived’ cos that’s not how we think of our family, they’re just our kids, equally. Our kids who happen to have two mums.

[rottiemum88]

We’ve also discussed things like my DH having to be the disciplinarian (even though he’s a big softie and I’m more strict) for a teen as I would be so upset if a ‘you’re not even my real mother’ was thrown at me in a teenage strop.

Think you might be worrying a bit far ahead here OP. And anyway, all teens are horrible to their parents sometimes. I had an awful relationship with my mum as a teen and told her I hated her (and meant it) a couple of times. Now as a mother myself I can imagine how much that must have hurt her to hear, but she never showed it on the surface. By the time you've made it to the teenage years I can guarantee you won't worry about reprimanding your child for fear of what she might say you to, because you'll have built a relationship over all the preceding years.

DH's cousin was conceived using a donor egg after his aunt and uncle struggled for years to conceive naturally. She's always known (she's 22 now), but never chose to pursue finding the egg donor. She's an only child and her mother is very much her mother; infact I'd say she's closer to her than she seems to be to her dad most of the time.

[Mintychoc1]

My 2 DSs are donor conceived , now age 14 and 11. I had them as a single woman so they’ve never had a dad.
I have told both of them (in age appropriate ways) the true story from day 1.
Occasionally they have both said they’d like a dad - literally a handful of times. And both have occasionally asked about their donor (different donors) characteristics.
So far there is no sign of trauma or angst, but I know I’m not out of the woods yet.
Join the donor conception network, there are hundreds of people in your situation , there’s a lot of support and also a lot of literature.

[Bestexoticmarigoldhotel]

Thanks @2many2count2020 for your views. We have already said we would only do it with a donor that can be traced (Spain etc you can go anonymous) and that we won’t do it unless we are happy with idea of child getting in contact with biological parent

[Bestexoticmarigoldhotel]

Thanks So much @montyliesandmontycries @joonberry @gruffalo28 @Phineyj @quail15

Hearing all of your stories has really helped. all of our social circle have conceived naturally or with ivf but not donor and until the consultant mentioned it Wasn’t anything we knew or thought about. I’m feeling a lot happier about it already.

@MittensTheSerpent thanks I will keep this in mind.

[2many2count2020]

I was conceived via sperm donor. I have 2 mums though so, as PP mentioned, I have always known I was not conceived in the conventional way! I am in my 30s and very close to both my mums. Have very little interest in my sperm donor beyond a vague curiosity that I have never followed up on (and unlikely I could, this was all done back in the day before any rules).

I think it is different for straight families where there is the option to keep it “secret”. I have friends who found out later in life and that their dads were not their biological dads and that did affect them, but this was more due to feeling they had been lied to.

[Quail15]

My friend has two primary school aged children through a donor. They are fully aware of the donor - and have already met them. No issues so far - they are well balanced and very confident children.

[MittensTheSerpent]

would have to be comfortable with helping the child find the donor if they wish at 18 which is in itself tough if I’ve done all the child rearing.

This is something that might prove problematic. The child meeting their donor takes nothing away from your child rearing. My adoptive mother is hugely threatened by my birth mother, and it is a massive source of tension. Her resentfulness has placed irreparable strain on our relationship.

Speaking from experience, the only way to go into this would be with a completely open and accepting mind to the idea of your child tracing their biological heritage (or at least be able to mask any resentment).

[Phineyj]

We have a donor conceived child aged 7 (egg donation) and have always been open with her. She seems fine with it so far. We had treatment in Greece where the law is different and the donor cannot be identified.

[gruffalo28]

Hi OP
My DH and I have three children born by donor sperm. My DDs are 13 (quite mature)and my DS is 7. We have been open from the start.

We have talked about it a lot with all of them but no real issues or problems. Think one of my DDs likes having something different about her. I don't think the things you mention are likely to be issues once you actually start parenting. When you give birth to a baby, go through the 9 months, then years of sleepless nights, nappy changes, hospital visits etc parenting and love (at least for dh and I) becomes automatic.

There is no way my DH would walk on eggshells with our kids and ask me to be the disciplinarian. We both discipline them when necessary because we love them, in the same way that we give them lifts and look after them when they are sick. Sometimes kids say awful things to you (I can't recall the amount of times all 3 of mine have told me they hate me when I have stopped them doing something they want to do). They don't mean it, they say it because we are safe and they can. If they said "but you are not my real dad" which they might although haven't ever done, it would have very limited impact on us after all this time as we know they don't really feel that. They love and need both of us. If we divorced, which we won't, they would want to 50/50 with us because we are both essential to them.

Ditto my dh's family - they are just granny and grandpa who spoil them and given them lots of sweets. Both of my girls are exeptionally close with my dh's mum (not sure why she is a bit annoying from my perspective but they love her deeply and she loves them.) That isn't ever going to change and they always both talking about moving to where she lives in later life to be with her (over my dead body and I moving up there). They don't just feel related to my side of the family although like lots ofkids they like to talk abotu where they inherited certain traits from.

My kids were born just after anonymity ended so they can contact donor at 18. My gut feel is one will want to, the other won't and the little boy is too young to know. Neither my husband or I mind (genuinely, truely), our only concern is that they might get hurt and that is my only concern with the whole donor thing. You don't necessarily think about their feelings before they get here but once they do all you think about is protecting them. I hope these formative years with us and our openness on the donor issues will give them great resilience and confidence that they are loved and (different families are different etc) this will stand them in good stead if they do have questions but, of course, I don't know for sure yet.

Would DH and I do it again, selfishly, yes we would as they all bring us so much joy and I think they are happy kids who will add lots to the world. Join the donor conception network to get in contact with parents of older children and donor conceived kids themselves.