Am I being difficult?

[Sunflowersok]

Am I being difficult by wanting to be heard about why I am upset without them giving a reason for why I shouldn’t be? And not to be left to it when they know their actions have upset me.

For example. A trivial example but one nonetheless.

DP messaging his customers late at night (say, 10-11pm). I have never liked this, I find it very strange but that’s my opinion. It may be the norm for others, but it unsettles me. DP knows how I feel about this as it’s been addressed before, so the norm is for both of us to leave work related matters until the next day. I walk in the kitchen one night to find him messaging Customer, not just a one off message but engaging in conversation. The issue can wait until the next day. I say, in an annoyed tone ‘should you be messaging them at this time of night?’ He says ‘oops sorry’ in a sarcastic tone. I feel mocked at the sarcasm, and annoyed at the action.

I sit angry for the rest of the evening. DP will NOT apologise or acknowledge how I feel, even though he knows the reason. He will let me stew until I admit it. Then When I finally tell him what’s wrong (even though he knows what’s wrong) instead of apologising again he will give me a list of reasons why he did it.

I feel like

1. He purposely doesn’t address I am hurt until I am pressured to admit it myself. Even though he full on knows the reason why I am upset.

For me, this feels like if I am forced to be the one to cause the drama of having a problem, as I am the one who brings it up. Instead of him just coming up to me and saying ‘I’m sorry, I know how this makes you feel and I acknowledge it’ he leaves me to stew I’m my own hurt.

1. If I raise something that is upsetting to me, instead of just accepting how I feel and saying I’m sorry You feel like that, he will list a million reasons why he did the action. He may apologise yes, but it’s usually followed by ‘But x,y,z...‘

This list of reasons makes me feel like my feelings are invalidated. Yes I was messaging a customer but I’m doing it for us. (Therefore, you have no right to feel that way).

Does this make sense? It happens every time there’s some discrepancy in his actions.

Otherwise, he will apologise countlessly over trivial things and has no problems Saying sorry for the mundane, even though he knows It’s stuff I wouldn’t ever be upset over. He breaks a glass and he will be ‘in so sorry! I feel really bad about it. I’m so stupid etc’

He knows I’m not arsed about the glass And I will tell him so, and that he’s not stupid and not to worry, it’s just a glass! but he will Go on and on apologising. No problem apologising for something that doesn’t matter. But when he knows he has genuinely upset me, he will leave me to my upset knowing full well I am upset. And then list his reasons for doing them.

I have bipolar disorder and I feel small things to the complete extreme - although I try and take accountability over being upset over small things, some things do really build up and I struggle with my emotions. I just want acknowledgement when I am upset, am I being unreasonable to want that?

You sound controlling and narcissistic. Poor spouse.

I think your expectations are too high and you're reacting to how far from that expectation he falls rather than the reality of what he's done. I also expect that this is why he seems to ignore your hurt, because your hurt is over the top. A normal response to the phone incident would be a 'oi, dinner's ready' with a typical reply or 'oops, sorry', incident dealt with and over. But reacting like he's texting the other woman and going all silent treatment over how hurt you are is odd and I'm not surprised he says nothing and keeps out of your way.

He should not draw you out
You should just say I'm upset because of xyz it's hard to confidently say what's upset you when you have experienced abuse
Stop lingering over things he has done, have it out with him then move on don't drag it out or sulk
Agree work boundaries ie phones off at 8 o'clock and both stick to it

How old are the kids that are involved and do they live with you both full time? Is it just your DP that can make you feel like this? It's a good thing that you want to work positively on change!

OP you’re coming across like a big baby and one of life’s eternal victims, give yourself a shake.

It seems like everyone makes you feel things and it’s everyone’s responsibility to chase after you when you go in a sulk. Yet when any responsibility is cast your way it this or that ex who is to blame.

Look at yourself and reflect on maybe whether you were being unnecessarily touchy over him sending an email, does it need to be such a big deal?

This list of reasons makes me feel like my feelings are invalidated. Yes I was messaging a customer but I’m doing it for us.

But, in a way, he is, isn't he? He's not working just for himself, and if it helps to keep his business going then it helps both of you. I don't see how giving his reasons invalidates your views. Is he supposed just to stand there and say nothing?

I get it - If you have discussed it and agreed. I don’t think you are controlling but maybe I am?! My partner refuses to acknowledge dinner/bed times. Often doesn’t think about feeding our 12 year old because his attitude to food is so chaotic, or will start hoovering at 11pm on a Friday night - we have discussed it, he has agreed but he just keeps doing it. And will not acknowledge how irritating it is.

Just for an alternative POV: I am self-employed, but I keep regular working hours during which I contact customers. If I get a message at 10 p.m. I would answer it the next morning at 8 a.m. when I start work. If I was just about to eat a meal with my bf, I would not leave him waiting at the table while I sat down and wrote an email, as I would find it rude. When I am with my bf, I am fully with him and not sitting looking at my phone. If a customer phoned, however, I would usually apologise to my bf (if we were talking or about to eat etc.) and answer the phone.

I do think it sounds like you need to discuss this properly, though, rather than waiting for him to bring the subject up. Why would you not start the conversation?

Just so I understand OP, your DH - who is self-employed - was answering a customer enquiry/ message. You've decided that you don't like this, and were upset about it. But he's not allowed to explain to you why he was doing what he was, or why he thinks you're being unreasonable? So he must just apologise and that's it??

I sit angry for the rest of the evening. DP will NOT apologise or acknowledge how I feel, even though he knows the reason. He will let me stew until I admit it.
And so would I; I am sorry but you are behaving like a brat. I'd leave you to it in the expectation that when you'd cooled down you'd have realised you'd behaved badly and would apologise. People who sulk are a nightmare to live with!

If I raise something that is upsetting to me, instead of just accepting how I feel and saying I’m sorry You feel like that, he will list a million reasons why he did the action. He may apologise yes, but it’s usually followed by ‘But x,y,z...‘

Yes I should think he does, because you are being completely unreasonable! Why should he apologise?! He's a person in his own right, and he's self-employed, if he wants to send work-related messages in the evening then why on earth shouldn't he??

I'm sort of with you on this OP.

DH runs his own business but is usually office based at clients premises. So nothing is a huge emergency, like a plumber on call out would be or someone who needs to book something like child care for the next day. However, due to time zones, he sometimes has texts or emails from clients during the evening. Nothing that can't wait - it's usually people 'tidying up' before they leave for the night but, of course, the phone pings.

I'm more than happy to hold back meals if DH needs to deal with something urgently. No problem at all and I've done it many times (as has he for me). But if I'm actually serving up, his food goes in the oven on low. My and DS's meal doesn't go cold waiting for his clients. He can call back in 15 minutes or he can take the call or text. His choice. There's no row but his food will be in the oven because of the choice he takes. He doesn't have a problem with that. I run a small on line business that gets busy at Christmas (think craft based). I'll often call down 'pop mine in the oven' if he's doing the meal and I'm stuck with orders. I don't see why the rest of the family has to wait for food that is ready to be served and neither does he.

As for phones pinging throughout the night...no...not unless your DP is in a business that is on call. DH's phone is on vibrate during family time (i.e during a film or whatever) so he can slip out if he decides the message or call needs to be answered immediately. Bed time the phone is switched off - my DH isn't on call and he needs sleep just like I do.

Your issue is, though, that you're not telling your DP exactly what the problem is. He's not a mind reader. He may well 'guess' what's the matter but it's a lot easier to say 'if you're going to take that call/text, it's not a problem but I'll put your dinner in the oven as it's ready to serve' rather than go all huffy. If these texts aren't mega important he'll start changing his mind if he's 'inconvenienced' by you starting your meal without him. If they are important then a dinner that's been in the oven for 10 minutes is no big deal. His choice - no problem either way then as you're not sitting seething (and hungry) and he's sorted out his important client.

And, if he's not on call for emergencies, then having the telephone on overnight is extremely rude and inconsiderate.

Sorry OP, it sounds like he is walking on nervous egg shells.

OP, this isn't just about the texting/work hours thing, is it? That was just an example? And the real issue is that he doesn't listen to how you feel/apologise when he's hurt your feelings, but defends himself instead?

Or have I got it all wrong?

Would it not be more productive to say at the time - oh, you're on your phone but I'm serving up dinner, can your conversation wait? Instead of getting huffy and sulking and then getting angry that DP won't acknowledge what you yourself will not acknowledge?
It does sound very manipulative OP - think about how you felt being manipulated by your ex and consider if you want to pass the same feelings on to your current partner. Also; the profuse apologizing does sound as though he is scared of your reactions 1 especially if he does something you deem unacceptable.

Perhaps bringing his work home is frustrating but trying to control it by saying when he can and can't speak to people is also very frustrating. If DH behaved this way I would also ignore his sulking as I would at least have some peace to do what I wanted to without being berated, even if it was just boring work stuff.

I think you need to accept that sometimes he will work in the evening. He is self employed and as much as he probably would rather not, he is simply doing what he feels is required. I don’t think him saying he’d rather not and he agrees with you means he can now never work if an evening. This is too black and white,

I’d rather not work at night, I’d tell my husband that but sometimes I’ll log on and do it, it doesn’t mean I lied and I’d Be royally ducked off if my husband got upset about it, then refused to tell me why, under the guise I should know.

You need to try to have a more flexible attitude to life and accept that sometimes life isn’t all straight rules we all abide by,

And if you’re upset then tell him and why. This doesn’t mean he has to change his behaviour if he feels the work should be done, he’s an adult and he is allowed to make his own decisions but tell him why. He also does not need to apologise for deciding to text a client, and you certainly should not expect him too.

In addition I don’t know how to say this gently but you cannot use previous relationships as justification for poor behaviour now. You need to address any issues you still have through what sounds like an awful relationship, but it is not fair to use that relationship to justify your behaviour in this one.

I can't see why you feel anything you have said is anything but a minor annoyance- not a major problem to have endless discussions about.

He's not going to listen to you anyway, as he doesn't judge it a problem.

You really do sound like hard work within your partnership. Try and calm down, and let your partner do as he wishes, otherwise your life will be full of stress.

The thing is op you asked people to focus on how he deals with the upset, not why you’re upset, and that’s not good. You need to look at what caused the upset, is it reasonable or not, to judge how he should behave in relation to it. In addition you need to look at how you show your upset, again to judge his reaction, you can’t view it in isolation

In this instance, your upset appears unreasonable as does your way of behaving when you’re upset,

The thing about my feelings are valid because they are my feelings doesn’t really fit into this context, they are valid, and you personally need to address your reactions, but this is very different to him being at fault and having to apologise for doing something perfectly acceptable.

You are being exhausting. That poor man.

This thread has gone a bit weird in the responses.

OP, if you had asked

"DH phone pinging all hours of day and night with work, he's constantly on it, and we get no quality time as a couple, AIBU to ask him to set specific work hours and not answer customer messages outside those hours?"

You would have got very different responses..

You would have got very different responses..

That tends to happen when you change the narrative to something else entirely 🤣

I'm glad you're not my DP.

It doesn’t need to be this much hard work - you sound exhausting

Looks like the OP is flouncing because she doesn’t like the responses.

OP should we chase after you while you’re sulking, or just apologise profusely?

OP has responded several times, very reasonably, even to some pretty unwelcome responses.

Raven, I think the same, she has responded quite reasonably. She might have stopped as she feels she has taken enough points to stop and consider at this point, so thread has run it's course.