Am I being difficult?

[Sunflowersok]

Am I being difficult by wanting to be heard about why I am upset without them giving a reason for why I shouldn’t be? And not to be left to it when they know their actions have upset me.

For example. A trivial example but one nonetheless.

DP messaging his customers late at night (say, 10-11pm). I have never liked this, I find it very strange but that’s my opinion. It may be the norm for others, but it unsettles me. DP knows how I feel about this as it’s been addressed before, so the norm is for both of us to leave work related matters until the next day. I walk in the kitchen one night to find him messaging Customer, not just a one off message but engaging in conversation. The issue can wait until the next day. I say, in an annoyed tone ‘should you be messaging them at this time of night?’ He says ‘oops sorry’ in a sarcastic tone. I feel mocked at the sarcasm, and annoyed at the action.

I sit angry for the rest of the evening. DP will NOT apologise or acknowledge how I feel, even though he knows the reason. He will let me stew until I admit it. Then When I finally tell him what’s wrong (even though he knows what’s wrong) instead of apologising again he will give me a list of reasons why he did it.

I feel like

1. He purposely doesn’t address I am hurt until I am pressured to admit it myself. Even though he full on knows the reason why I am upset.

For me, this feels like if I am forced to be the one to cause the drama of having a problem, as I am the one who brings it up. Instead of him just coming up to me and saying ‘I’m sorry, I know how this makes you feel and I acknowledge it’ he leaves me to stew I’m my own hurt.

1. If I raise something that is upsetting to me, instead of just accepting how I feel and saying I’m sorry You feel like that, he will list a million reasons why he did the action. He may apologise yes, but it’s usually followed by ‘But x,y,z...‘

This list of reasons makes me feel like my feelings are invalidated. Yes I was messaging a customer but I’m doing it for us. (Therefore, you have no right to feel that way).

Does this make sense? It happens every time there’s some discrepancy in his actions.

Otherwise, he will apologise countlessly over trivial things and has no problems Saying sorry for the mundane, even though he knows It’s stuff I wouldn’t ever be upset over. He breaks a glass and he will be ‘in so sorry! I feel really bad about it. I’m so stupid etc’

He knows I’m not arsed about the glass And I will tell him so, and that he’s not stupid and not to worry, it’s just a glass! but he will Go on and on apologising. No problem apologising for something that doesn’t matter. But when he knows he has genuinely upset me, he will leave me to my upset knowing full well I am upset. And then list his reasons for doing them.

I have bipolar disorder and I feel small things to the complete extreme - although I try and take accountability over being upset over small things, some things do really build up and I struggle with my emotions. I just want acknowledgement when I am upset, am I being unreasonable to want that?

If you're upset - say over his joke that you found hurtful - how do you show that you're upset? If I had inadvertently upset someone and their reaction was sulking/snapping/slamming doors/generally banging around in a temper - then I'd be inclined to ignore their behaviour. Even though it would be obvious they were reacting in an adverse way, the passive aggressiveness would piss me off so much I would refuse to be drawn in, and just disengage.

If however they very calmly said straight out, "I actually found that quite hurtful - did you realise?" I would fall over myself to apologise.

He knows I am upset over joke and that he went too far, but rather than saying sorry though he knows why I am upset, he will leave me upset until I have to admit why.

Maybe he's trying to draw you out, to make you acknowledge your hurt rather than hide it, or just assume he knows how you feel?

As another poster says, that's veering close to sulking. Maybe the bottling up, the keeping in you talk about appears to others as the cold shoulder, or an assumption that he's a mind reader and can tell everything you are feeling without you having to say.

Maybe I am overthinking it, thank you.

I do struggle with feeling first and thinking later. They are often out of proportion to how the situation is, it comes from a long history of EA but I do try. Very much the situation is that I feel something is wrong I.e. I am upset by something and then I have to wait until the feeling is dispersed until I can logically Understand myself why I am upset. I do struggle with what is real and what is not sometimes because of this. Maybe I am over thinking this one?

Thank you for your honest inputs anyway

He’s just told me he feels like I can be controlling with certain life things as I’m more for order and he’s more relaxed, but he never feels like I am towards him

First, I would analyse MY feelings and try to objectively consider whether what I was asking was worth it. If not, drop it or find something else to do.

If I felt I had a point, I would make it but be open to listening to what the other person wanted.

If he were three yrs old and you said, "Don't do that' and he ignored you then there would need to be consequences as children can do things which are dangerous for themselves or others, but he is a grown up adult human with his own thoughts, feelings, wants and needs.

Get off his case and let him manage his business how and when he wishes (unless it's in the middle of an anniversary dinner or special occasion).

It does sound like a mountain out of a molehill to me, but god, we all have those annoyances and feelings that aren't quite rational or proportional in others' eyes.

Not to be unkind or diminish your feelings but I think the consensus on this thread will show that he isn't being unresaonable and the onus is on you to try to work through your feelings rather than on him to change his (reasonable) behaviour to make you feel better. Would it help to talk through why this upsets you?

Regarding the joke, why don't you say right away that what he said has upset you? My mum does this thing where instead of asking for what she wants, she will hint and skirt around it until I offer. It's incredibly annoying and often I'm deliberately obtuse and pretend I don't know what she wants so she has to come out with it. Maybe your partner is doing something similar because he finds it passive aggressive that you won't tell him how you feel outright.

Have you had a google of invalidation in relationships?

www.growingself.com/feeling-invalidated/

This is useful (for you both)

It's often not done on purpose, but is hurtful nonetheless.

In your example scenario if DH had gone into the kitchen for plates and got distracted by his phone, I'd probably have (half) jokingly said something like "the plates getting themselves then?" because the not getting the plates if the issue - not the fact he's only phone. Then he'd probably say "oh, sorry" and we'd move on. I suspect DH is not asking you why you are upset because he thinks it's a minor thing and doesn't understand why you are upset (hence his list of "because" "

Perhaps you need to rationalise why you are upset - it's not about plates or being on his phone surely? Is it about being ignored, or having a nice evening planned or ...

Yes you are being difficult

You are terribly controlling. Poor man.

@RatherBeRiding I think the main reaction to hurt is for me to withdraw. I don’t slam things or stomp lol, I’m more inwards than outwards. I do clam up, or go quiet. I do ‘inner worry’ a lot. In many ways we are the same, if something is bothering him I can see this in him too. I just feel the did feel the difference is that I will acknowledge it and say to him ‘I’m sorry, did I make you feel like this by my action?’ Or ‘if know how you must feel over this, what can I do to make it better?’

He just leaves me to it.

I wouldn't say you sound controlling, but sounds like you tend to make a big issue of some small things. Equally, he has an issue with apoligising withou justifying. My husband does that too, drives me bonkers. This is kind of what I told him: I dont care what drove you to do/say smth that hurt me. Just aknoldge I'm hurt, apologise, move on. It feels like you are causing more of an argumeng with these justifications. He's working on it, I am also working on trying not to scream when he starts justifying, and just say 'you are doing it again'. Hope what I said makes sense.

You sound abusive.

Surely as an adult he can contact customers whenever he wishes?

How do you think you are making him feel when you speak to him in an annoyed tone, sit "angry for the rest of the evening" - aka you sulk because he has done something you don't like.

Neither of you sound like you're communicating very well at all. Could you try to have a conversation about it when you're not already angry, to explain how it makes you feel, and allow him to put his point across too?

I think the main reaction to hurt is for me to withdraw. I don’t slam things or stomp lol, I’m more inwards than outwards. I do clam up, or go quiet.
The silent treatment then? That always works a treat

I think the main reaction to hurt is for me to withdraw. This is how I react too. For me it's protective, like a turtle retreating into its shell. To others, it looks like a punishment - withdrawing affection and attention like you might do to a naughty toddler. It's hard for me but I've learned to try not to withdraw, and instead to talk about the problem right away.

I’m not sure what you mean by “he will leave me upset until I have to admit why.” What is stopping you from communicating straight away why you are upset? Is this perhaps because in your last relationship you knew your reasons for being upset would be belittled?

Thank you Eckhart for the link, this sounds like it could be something that could help me.

Just to add, I don't think sulking is ok either. State why you are upset, even if it seems like he knows. Sulking is anoying in any grown up.

If I was his mum I'd be advising him to run, far and fast. You sound really hard work.

OP, I run my own business - I'm a pet-sitter and dog-walker. If a customer contacted me at 10pm and I wanted to reply, I would, and I wouldn't take too kindly to DH telling me how to run my business.

I had a client contact me at 9pm last night asking if I could fit her dogs in on Wednesday as she'd been called back to work at the last minute. Of course I replied - if I'd ignored her, she could easily have assumed I wasn't interested and gone someone else. If I ignore customers, I'll lose business because they'll just go elsewhere, and I can't afford for them to do that.

Being self-employed and running a business is very different to working for someone else. Ultimately, I am responsible for my income. If I ignore customers or have a bad attitude, word will spread and I won't get repeat business OR new business.

Let your DH run his business in whatever way he sees fit, and maybe speak to someone about why you feel the need to be so controlling over him like that.

Perhaps you need to work on your self-esteem to ensure that little 'snubs' or tiny moments don't make you feel so terribly hurt? I'm genuinely suggesting this might help.

I think the tendency for me to withdraw comes from me having to stay silent in the past as to not ‘be the reason’ to cause trouble the relationship.

My Fist ex used to message women in front of me, and then would accuse me of being paranoid and tell me I was hallucinating When I confronted him. Threaten and often break up. Not let it settle until I begged and finally admitted I was wrong. Over 6 years, you do learn to stay silent. Second ex similar tactics but different and still harmful - would purposely do something to upset me, then he would sit and wait and push until eventually I admitted that such action hurt. Then he would have reason to either call me sensitive, or have a go at me for causing an argument. Only two years of that though I saw sense after a while.

For those who say I am abusive, I do try my best in relationships and I don’t ever want to be unreasonable for my own behaviour, hence posting on here for opinions. I do want my own hurt validated and recognised. I do tend to withdraw, rather than blame and outburst. I didn’t see it as silent treatment however, that’s a new take on this for me. I don’t mean to be silent to punish (the annoyance one was a reallllyy bad example!!) my intention is to keep my hurt inside as for fear of starting an argument or being the cause of issues in a relationship. I often feel like I don’t know if I do have valid reasons to feel hurt, or whether I actually do have a right to feel that way. The bipolar doesn’t help, as a little niggle could feel explosive for me inside. I’m more to go and cry in the bathroom on my own until it all settles and then talk about it when I have a better head on me and I can see a bit more straight.

However, he does know this. And he knows I struggle with maki nag sense of my emotions, which is probably why I feel invalidated by it.

@vanillandhoney

Thank you for the constructive criticism. I guess I am not used to it as I haven’t worked for myself either. He’s told me again and again that he doesn’t want to be on his phone either. I think at the time and after we both agreed with it, I just took it to heart that he still did that (it wasn’t an important thing at the time either, it was just general work stuff that could have waited). It is hard when home time is precious. But it is nice to get the perspective about what self employed people have to deal with also. Thank you for your personal input I will do my best to see a more balanced side of things.

It's hard to judge from so limited information but it sounds like you expect him to do what you want and that means that perhaps you are the one veering into controlling territory here. I don't think it's unreasonable of him to explain why he did things either. How would you know if there was a valid reason if you refuse to hear him out and consider his view?

This sounds more like PTSD or Complex Trauma which I know is awful for you - I have this. I also had a diagnosis of Bi Polar many years before. It may also be part of borderline personality disorder.
Yes it does sound controlling as someone else said but you have valid reasons for the way you are reacting to stuff.
Perhaps you could speak to your GP or psychiatrist as the situation is clearly making you unhappy and not getting resolved. Talking with a professional may help you work out if its part of a condition you have or a relationship issue.
I wish you well x