Am I being difficult?

[Sunflowersok]

Am I being difficult by wanting to be heard about why I am upset without them giving a reason for why I shouldn’t be? And not to be left to it when they know their actions have upset me.

For example. A trivial example but one nonetheless.

DP messaging his customers late at night (say, 10-11pm). I have never liked this, I find it very strange but that’s my opinion. It may be the norm for others, but it unsettles me. DP knows how I feel about this as it’s been addressed before, so the norm is for both of us to leave work related matters until the next day. I walk in the kitchen one night to find him messaging Customer, not just a one off message but engaging in conversation. The issue can wait until the next day. I say, in an annoyed tone ‘should you be messaging them at this time of night?’ He says ‘oops sorry’ in a sarcastic tone. I feel mocked at the sarcasm, and annoyed at the action.

I sit angry for the rest of the evening. DP will NOT apologise or acknowledge how I feel, even though he knows the reason. He will let me stew until I admit it. Then When I finally tell him what’s wrong (even though he knows what’s wrong) instead of apologising again he will give me a list of reasons why he did it.

I feel like

1. He purposely doesn’t address I am hurt until I am pressured to admit it myself. Even though he full on knows the reason why I am upset.

For me, this feels like if I am forced to be the one to cause the drama of having a problem, as I am the one who brings it up. Instead of him just coming up to me and saying ‘I’m sorry, I know how this makes you feel and I acknowledge it’ he leaves me to stew I’m my own hurt.

1. If I raise something that is upsetting to me, instead of just accepting how I feel and saying I’m sorry You feel like that, he will list a million reasons why he did the action. He may apologise yes, but it’s usually followed by ‘But x,y,z...‘

This list of reasons makes me feel like my feelings are invalidated. Yes I was messaging a customer but I’m doing it for us. (Therefore, you have no right to feel that way).

Does this make sense? It happens every time there’s some discrepancy in his actions.

Otherwise, he will apologise countlessly over trivial things and has no problems Saying sorry for the mundane, even though he knows It’s stuff I wouldn’t ever be upset over. He breaks a glass and he will be ‘in so sorry! I feel really bad about it. I’m so stupid etc’

He knows I’m not arsed about the glass And I will tell him so, and that he’s not stupid and not to worry, it’s just a glass! but he will Go on and on apologising. No problem apologising for something that doesn’t matter. But when he knows he has genuinely upset me, he will leave me to my upset knowing full well I am upset. And then list his reasons for doing them.

I have bipolar disorder and I feel small things to the complete extreme - although I try and take accountability over being upset over small things, some things do really build up and I struggle with my emotions. I just want acknowledgement when I am upset, am I being unreasonable to want that?

OP when you say he knows you silence is not as punishment, are you sure, hev you actually told him. I am sorry you are struggling. Pls keep in mind that even though a partner is understanding and supportive of your mental healts, it does nitvyhey necessarily mean they know what to do or how to react each time. It can't all fall onto him, you have to work on yourself as well. I am not trying to put you down. I have struggled and stilldo with depresdion/anxiety, and hubs tryes bless him, but doesn't always know what to say or do. Hugs

Idk, I mean it just seems to me that it shouldn't be such hard work.

If he wants to take phone calls-then what's the point?

If he needs to but daren't tell you-what's the point?

If you think he is taking the piss by keep saying sorry unnecessarily-what's the point?

If he apologises over trivial stuff because he's scared-again, what's the point?

Maybe my expectations are too high of him?

Just as a completely off topic tangent..

To others, it looks like a punishment - withdrawing affection and attention like you might do to a naughty toddler

Please don't withdraw affection from a toddler. My mother used that tactic to 'make me behave' and it's left me with mental scars some fifty odd years later.

Right. Back on topic...

[quote Sunflowersok]@vanillandhoney

Thank you for the constructive criticism. I guess I am not used to it as I haven’t worked for myself either. He’s told me again and again that he doesn’t want to be on his phone either. I think at the time and after we both agreed with it, I just took it to heart that he still did that (it wasn’t an important thing at the time either, it was just general work stuff that could have waited). It is hard when home time is precious. But it is nice to get the perspective about what self employed people have to deal with also. Thank you for your personal input I will do my best to see a more balanced side of things.[/quote]
To be honest, I had no idea about what it as like until I started my own business either - I was always the kind of person who wanted to leave work at work - unfortunately when you're SE you don't always have that option!

Put it this way - if he has an enquiry from a new client, that person may have contacted two or three different people. If your DH doesn't bother to reply, but the others do, the client is more likely to go with the others. If he gets a reputation for not responding in a timely manner, he'll get a reputation and bad reputations are hard to shake off unfortunately.

I often get last-minute or late-night requests from clients. After all, they're at work all day so they'll contact me in their free time - which means in my evenings or weekends. I rarely hear from my clients during the day unless it's a very last minute change in plans.

I do appreciate it's frustrating but that's the nature of the beast. Being self-employed has a lot of advantages but it has plenty of problems too. Just try and be supportive of him and a bit more understanding - very few people want to be working at 11pm!

To me the interesting question is whether he had really decided not to contact customers in the evening and this occasion was an aberration or whether he has merely said to you that he will not contact customers in the evening in order to shut down any discussion but knows full well that he has no intention of sticking to this - to seem to agree without any intention to keep to it is contemptuous.
or has he never made any commitment - eg he says "yes" or "ok" but that means he has heard your request - not that he is agreeing but you think it is agreed?

these are three very different scenarios.........

@diddl

We have a great relationship (all other areas of course). He loves me dearly and I love him the same. Usually we are good at communicating. This time, it’s been broken down, somewhere along the line.

The reason I posted this is because this is something that has been building up over time and it’s now become an issue. Maybe it’s become an issue now as I am struggling at the moment, I’ve been poorly this weekend and I think it’s all gotten to me. I wanted to explain how I feel to him, and couldn’t make sense of it myself and hence asked input form the mumsnet community. It helps to write things down. It’s given me a lot to think about in terms of my own actions.

Your feelings are valid, OP. I remember telling a story to my kind, but invalidating, ex:

My friend can't be stroked on her forearm. It triggers abuse memories for her, and so, her partner has to understand this. It's not that stroking somebody on the arm is a horrible thing to do - quite the opposite. However, sensitivity to my friend's particular needs was necessary and understandable. She's allowed her feelings and sensitivities, even if they seem a bit unusual/unexpected. Her feelings are allowed.

It's the same for you. You need to be with a partner who can be gentle with your feelings and sensitivities. It's your responsibility to find the right partner though. Don't blame your partner for the fact that you can't have your metaphorical arm stroked. This is potentially not anybody's fault, but an incompatibility. If he can't see the problem, or doesn't want to, he's not the right person for you.

You sound extremely abusive and controlling. Your emotions get the better of you and you can’t control yourself? He makes you feel things? You go cold and silent when he’s upset you without telling him you’re upset, assuming he should automatically know. And you like his grovelling w over nothing. Poor man needs to get the hell away from you ASAP and you should stay the hell away from other people.

My experience ia that not alot of people have the experience how to deal with someone with MH issues, even if they mean well.
Again it also sounds like you make a big deal of small isues, ex: the phone situation. Yes, all families have a sort of table of rules of the house so to say, but they should be flexible I think. Especially when it comes to work, more so if hisnown business he need to be on top of.

My kind but invalidating ex and I broke up over this by the way. I said 'You keep invalidating me' and my ex said 'Don't be silly' (the ultimate invalidation)

It's really important to have a partner who sees your feelings as valid, and to validate yourself.

DH and I often reply to clients and colleagues in the evening, or whenever we want to. Obviously not in the middle of a conversation with each other or something, and not continually the whole evening, but why not? Especially now, when real life contact with people outside the home for us is basically nil, it's nice to communicate with people...

He used to have his phone pinging through the night and it started getting to me so we decided that we keep work behind for the day when we both came home

It seems to me that you have proposed a solution that doesn't really fit him. He is agreeing with you but then doing it anyway.

I agree that pings from a phone through the night are not acceptable. Is it so bad if he replies without any noise to disturb you.

That seems like a fairer compromise. It's what we do. Sometimes a quick out of hours reply can save me a ton of work the next day. It also means that when things are not busy, I feel justified in having a longer break for me in usual work hours.

leave me upset until I have to admit why.

Being straight about what has upset you is one way to improve communications. I think it's much better to be straight rather than leave the other person the guess what the matter is.

I would encourage you to look at how to build your self esteem. It's not easy but possibly and would help you heal and enjoy your life.

@SeriouslySoDoneIn Why not post a completely unhelpful, viciously critical post to someone who's already feeling crap? What did you think would be the use of your comment? Are you always this nasty?

Yes, you are being very difficult. And controlling, and emotionally manipulative.

I feel very sorry for him having to walk on eggshells around you.

@ruthieness

This all came about after we had a glass of wine one night when we were alone without the kids, looking forward to it and he was kept on the phone for an hour via work and I spent the hour by myself, wine already poured. I went to bed in the end after looking forward to the night: we both agreed on there that it is not good for us to do so - unless urgent.

Then that happened as described with the messaging when we were just about to sit down and have tea and I reacted by being annoyed at the situation.

I don’t know, he had told me time and time again that he doesn’t want to be working whilst at home too. It’s not just my request, it’s his as well. he often rejects jobs at the weekends (especially when we have the kids) because he has his own strong opinions about family time being family time. This is unless we need the money, and it’s often discussed between the two of us. He has been so so so good when it comes to work and keeping it separate. He is more time orientated than money oriented.

This saying, I probably did overreact when he was messaging on his phone late at night and tea was pending. But it struck a nerve, and I reacted. It probably didn’t make it better his response at me, which was mocking. It wasn’t a genuine ‘I’m sorry’. Hence I was annoyed.

I can let that go and have done since. And after reading up on this thread and responses, I think I do need to consider to be more relaxed over it all and stop being uptight.

My issue was that I feel he doesn’t seem to care when I am upset, but when I am not upset he has no problem saying I’m sorry.

You seem to hold him responsible for managing your emotions. That's not healthy.

Did you get any therapy after your abusive relationship? Did you spend time single?

@SeriouslySoDoneIn

You are right. I’ll just stay the hell away from
Other people and Sit myself in a box on my own.

Rather than posting on mumsnet, asking for perspectives on whether I am being unreasonable or not, and trying to better myself and my relationship.

I don’t deal with trolls or bullies hunny, so please don’t feel obliged to post on this thread unless you have something genuinely constructive to say.

@TorkTorkBam yes I did, lots of therapy and therapy whilst being in the relationships too.

I know myself I am quite easy to manipulate, easy to fall in to such relationships or else it would seem that way from past experiences. I think I can be quite wrapped up in making sure that history doesn’t repeat itself I can get very caught up in wondering whether the other person is trying to do wrong to me - hence causing more damage to them. Food for thought. Thank you

Related to you paragraph, I replied earlier. Just have a chat, not in the mifst of the argument, a calm chat. Say when you are hurt and why, say it his motivation does not matter to you as much as him understanding you are hurt and why. Like I said, me and hubs are still working on this, after a couple of years back noticing hos justifications only annoyed me more and caused more of a pb than the innitial issue. Sometimes he catches himself, sometime I remind him he is doing it again.
To me it looks like you both have some issues you need to work on, if the marriage is itherwiae a good one.
But, hey, this just me, I don't believe in perfection, I don't believe people cant change for the good or worse. For now it's worked for us. I'm not saying it works or will work for everybody.

Just to say, I do understand where you are coming from. My partner works online, from home and can start at 9am and keep going till 9pm. It does annoy me because it feels as though there should be family time, however we don't really get that as he is constantly banging away on his laptop. I've no advice I'm afraid, I just wanted to say that I understand, as it seems that many don't.

@JustC I will learn to work on it. I think I’m the midst of all the emotion, I don’t often understand why I’m upset until my head is straight. It is upsetting for me to hear later on that he knew why I was upset. It’s a repeating thing I have brought up to him, he says he understands he shouldn’t just leave me to dwell, but he still does.

On the flip side some other posters have the valid opinion that I am responsible for my own emotions and they are right - I am.

Bloody hell! Sorry OP, but the poor guy seems like he's walking on eggshells with you. Have you considered couples counselling? Sorry if this has already been suggested, I skim read!

@michelle1504 thank you

I suppose with two opposing working backgrounds, there will always be two different perspectives on it.

I feel better for opening up about it all.

@FuckYouCorona

As the thread turned out I don’t think we need couples counselling, the issue lies solely with me lol