Mother in law lied about getting coldsores HELP

[Natashabobasha1]

Hello everyone. When my child was 4 months old I issued a blanket rule to both my own family and my husband's:no kissing my baby!
She's now 10 months old.Now I'm prepared to let people kiss the top of her head. But NO FACE KISSES!

Note: I don't care if someone gets coldsores, I just dont want my child to get them from caregivers.

My husband's family has a tendency of getting cold sores...very rarely..BUT his sister is affected very regularly...severely! Almost every week in the winter, and every time I see them, I scheme and plot to hold my baby and NOT pass her around since I've never had an open dialogue with her or his family about it. I feel stressed, sweaty and shaky whenever she's around my baby with an outbreak because of this.

In order to keep myself from losing my mind, I've told everyone via whatsapp message and in person not to kiss my baby. Nobody has ever kissed my baby's mouth. Ever.

My husband's sister kissed her on the forehead and had a cold sore coming when she was 4 months old. I spotted the redness and when I gently questioned her, almost whispering "you aren't getting a cold sore, are you?"
She said "no...why??? " and then her hand shot up to her mouth and she jumped back..then sat down...it was obvious she'd just forgotten she was getting one at the time.... but my husband's family doesn't talk about a lot of things directly, so it's that much harder for me....
The last time I saw her, that very same redness had turned into a very big cold sore.

I have explained to his incredulous parents that saliva can get into a baby's mucous membranes with or without an outbreak.

My MIL(mother-in-law)said her husband doesn't get them. She flat out lied. He does get them. HE even said so during that very same conversation. Then, this week, i video chatted with her and SHE HAD ONE. It made me so angry. But I didn't confront her. I took screenshots of her face like a crazy person.

She has reluctantly agreed to our request, but seems like his parents had no idea (and still don't believe) that it was even contagious and they say it's from stress and not a virus.

They've obviously UNknowingly infected their own children when they were young, as their adult kids have had cold sores since childhood (my husband says so). I don't want them infecting my child out of ignorance.

When I explained that I don't share utensils or cups with my baby because I could transmit bacteria that causes cavities, MIL(mother-in-law)said "oh, but it doesn't hurt" ...I said..."yes, it can cause cavities" ...she seemed to shrug it off.

Now I'm so paranoid that she'll feed my baby with her utensils out of spite or something ..or that FIL(father-in-law)will infect my baby during an outbreak due to absent mindedness.

They are passive people...passive aggressive nowadays....and very stubborn. When my husband told his dad not to stop by unnanounced and look in all the windows, he came over that very day and peered in all the windows and stopped by anyway.

(We live 300 meters away from them and they helped with the down payment...)

They've never been problematic before my child was born, but since having her, my requesting a bit of space (calling before visiting and not having them babysit because I'm not ready to leave her) seems to offend them.

Me trying to educatethem.aboutthings falls on incredulous ears. The fact that my MIL(mother-in-law)lied to me about not getting coldsores makes me really question her credibility and now I feel like I can't trust her!!! I hate lies and I have been so hurt in the past by.people lying to me. Now, I carry resentment towardsthem.for making me feel uncomfortablein.myown home and angry that I can't trust them.

How should I handle this? Should I tell her how I feel? Should I confront her? I feel like quitting my job and not returning to work as projected in 4 months' time. They are my only babysitters.

Well OP you do sound very anxious. But then herpes is awful and your ILs aren't covering themselves in glory here. I don't really understand the pile on, except that you aren't sounding suitably beaten down. I found years ago that American paediatric care was way ahead of UK, and I also had trouble getting people in UK to believe stuff I learnt when I was over there. Seems like not much has changed. I understand your problem is the IL disregard of boundaries, if you can't trust them over herpes, then you can't trust them. If you can move, move.

Bakedbrie You can cherish babies with out having to kids then when you have a cold sore

You sound insane... I don’t think she lied intentionally she probably has not given it much thought and an answer flew out her mouth that she thought would reassure you.

I’ve never had a cold sore by the way.

Actually billy the transfer of gut bacteria from parent to child is now thought to be very important for a child's health. Very many of the bacteria in our bodies are beneficial not harmful.

OP if you want people to be honest with you, you need to be calm and rational with them. If you are highly anxious (you seem very anxious) then people will just say whatever they think will diffuse the next bout of hysteria.

You sound very highly strung OP.

You poor child.

I’ve never liked kissing babies on the lips coldsores or not, it’s a sure way to pass any germs on. I didn’t kiss my own children when tiny on the lips. I was a little bit “twitchy” when my brother in law kissed our first child on the lips the first time he held her a few days old, the fact a long piece of saliva dangled from my babies lips to his after he pulled away made me inwardly rage, that and I hadn’t even bloody kissed her!

The coldsore thing would bother me, my parents get them too but they never have gone to kiss my children on the lips as babies, it’s only now they are 4 and 2 our children try to kiss them on the lips so they have to be very careful if they actively have one, also with towels in their house too. I say all this and I get coldsores myself, I am very very careful when I have one, I don’t kiss anyone and keep my own towel, wash my hands far more than normal. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and he’s never caught it from me and so far my children haven’t either. I don’t want our children to catch them so can understand how you feel, I’d feel the same if people have them and appear to ignore the no kissing thing.

I also get the in-laws just turning up. Mine did and it drove me bonkers. I couldn’t relax in my own home because dh patents were just walking in. They seen their arse too when I asked them to pre warn of a visit. When dh and I first got with each other he moved in with me and I remember is mum just walking in whilst I was sat there in T-shirt and knickers

These people don’t respect OP and this is why she is anxious

I agree btw that adults with the virus should not be kissing children, but you sound very fixated on it. Taking screen shots on a video call, why? She can’t infect anyone through the screen! It can’t be good for your mental health.

I scheme and plot to hold my baby and NOT pass her around since I've never had an open dialogue with her or his family about it.

^^ OP....go & have your dialogue with your ILs. You are all about the not lying & open conversation, so say it to their faces instead of talking to your friends & family about them & your issues with them. Tell your ILs that herpes (& whatever else
) terrifies you & that is the reason for the rules around the kissing/utensils.

You comes across here as rude & passive aggressive in a 'coat it with sugar' way like deliver some insulting rebuke when you don't like the answer & then ' you all have a nice day'. It is not a pleasant trait.

As for your childcare issues, maybe cut down on your international travel & you can afford nursery fees & independence from your ILs. Surely your husband has some input into all of this too...so get united.

Actually billy the transfer of gut bacteria from parent to child is now thought to be very important for a child's health. Very many of the bacteria in our bodies are beneficial not harmful

Gut bacteria or herpes virus?

I've never had one but my fil does. When my children were around 5 years old he would kiss them (half on the lips and cheek) good bye. He never did this with a visible coldsore. This freaked me out as I never wanted them to catch this. So I told the kids to say," no thanks kissing spreads germs." I always backed them up by saying, they dont have to kiss if they dont want to. High fives instead. It worked, and I dont feel sick when he says goodbye to them now.

kidshealthyteeth.com/are-cavities-contagious/

The OP is not wrong. Every day is a school day!

@Beautiful3 pretty weak using your kids as your mouthpiece because you were too weak to tell your father in law not to kiss them

If a paediatrician said that someone with herpes shouldn't even hold a baby then you need a paed - one that practices evidence based medicine.

I say that as a non herpes suffering midwife before I get accused of being in the herpes defence club.

Yes, tell your in laws no kissing. The utensil sharing ban seems overboard, I assume the utensils are clean/have been washed? If they don't abide by what you ask them to do then they don't get to see your baby on their own. Simple.

Hadn't heard of the utensils thing. Surely if they've been through the dishwasher they are fine? But agree I wouldn't share a spoon with my MIL etc so why should my baby?

I also feel really uncomfortable with people kissing my baby, visible cold sore or not but never really have the guts to say anything for fear of being seen as neurotic. Of course it's natural for people to want to kiss chubby cheeks but don't think peoples feelings are above the safety of a baby. Maybe I'm a bit more paranoid as my son spent a week in NICU pumped full of antibiotics, lumbar punctures etc with suspected herpes virus which it turns out he didn't have in the end. But the guilt of feeling like we had unknowingly given him it despite my husband or I never having symptoms was awful and I never want to go through that again

@Natashabobasha1

My child has been on many adventures and 8 international flights with just ME! Not sure sterile bubble moms could do that....

8 international flights at only 10 months old?! That's a pretty large carbon footprint for one so young. Environmental pollution isn't great for your child, either...

Ok, I'm with you on the coldsores - you're infecting someone for life and they're potentially very painful and the bane of someone's life. Absolutely protect a child from this, anyone who doesn't is selfish imo.
The utensils, yeah don't share utensils with someone with a coldsore or who is ill with something else. However I do think if you're brushing teeth well sharing a spoon etc with a parent is not a dangerous activity.

@sonotech

I saw this but when I looked for the evidence behind it it's a very small scale study which is inconclusive

You sound EXTREMELY anxious . I can't imagine what this is going to be like when you have to relinquish control for your (free) childcare ! I really think you need to talk this anxiety over with someone professional.

OP i think you're suffering from a bit of the PFB and you need to think long and hard about why you are with your in-laws. As PP said from the outside as a neutral observer it looks as though you want a load of support from them but are not prepared to let them be part of your baby's life.

Yes, the herpes virus is dangerous for babies, but your absolutely over-the-top behaviour and instructions to your ILs is most likely the reason why they lie and obfuscate to you: they seem worried that you won't let them near their grandchild/relative. What does your DH say? How are you around your family? Are the ILs seeing that they get crumbs and your family get the whole cake?

As for the utensil sharing - can i assume you're referring to that thing some people do where they test the temperature of babies' food by putting it in their mouth? I get that but that's all you need to say, not "don't share utensils" i am assuming the ILs wash their dishes and silverware after use? So again can you see how that would make people think you're being a bit weird?

Frankly i think you need to let some of this go and try to stop with all the worrying, or you'll do yourself a mischief and pass a lot of unnecessary fears to your child as it grows up.

But really, your kid will go to school sometime, probably. Wait until you find out about headlice!

67% of the world’s population has the cold sore virus - most of them are asymptomatic. So if she’s going to catch it from anyone it will be you / DH.

www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/herpes-simplex-virus

OP I understand too.
When my daughter was newborn, my best friend who suffers from cold sores and had one at that time wanted to kiss her. I told her NOT very politely, she thought I’m crazy and laughed in my face. She was sayin come on it’s only a cold sore.
Sadly she didn’t and doesn’t know that it’s actually callled a herpes which once infected stays in body forever.
This reminds me another old friend who suffered from Herpes on face like each month and was very uneducated in way to understand it.
She used some cream for it which was made by a company called Zyma.
She actually thought that because it says Zyma on the box it’s for cold cores!
Zyma or Zima means cold in different language. I had no words!

(Disclaimer: I am not a doctor)
Many (most?) adults carry some form of the herpes virus and many carriers never get symptoms. It's likely that you have it yourself and if this is the case your baby may have antibodies? You should be able to get a blood test (at least for yourself) to identify whether you carry any herpes antibodies. Maybe talk to a doctor about this? It could help to reduce your anxiety.

You sound kind of tightly wound, but if you feel this way, I wouldn't leave your baby with your in-laws until she's a little older. You are bound to run into more issues where they don't do things your way (sugar, car seats, etc etc) and this will cause tension. Find a daycare, although do bear in mind that once your daughter is around other babies and toddlers they will most likely poke their fingers into each other's moths, share food etc. It's what little ones of that age naturally do!

Oh, and personally I think kissing babies/children on the lips is unhygienic and creepy. I hate seeing people do that. So YANBU on that!

I suffer from coldsores and was always very careful not to pass them on, my children grew up and never had an outbreak, of course they could still have the virus as not everyone with the virus has outbreaks. In fact you could have it and just not know. For some reason some people's bodies seem to control it and some don't. I get bad outbreaks very frequently, well I did until I started taking suppressive medication.

I well understand why you don't want your child to get them. Kissing on the mouth is definitely something that spreads them and people who don't get outbreaks can be more of a risk as they aren't aware they are a danger.

Kissing on the forehead isn't a risk, the skin is too thick unless the baby has a cut or scratch where the virus can enter.

Having said all that you have to get it in perspective, I think by the time your baby is an adult statistically a vast number of their peers will have it, it isn't the end of the world.

I took screenshots of her face like a crazy person

Pathetic.