AIBU to feel irritated that DH's sibling gets monetary handouts and we don't?

[jumpingjenn3h]

Regular poster but name changed ! (Expecting some criticism.. hear me out!)

DH has a very wealthy family and lives in a large house in Surrey. (They also own other properties across the world) The family business was sold approx 15 years ago and made a massive profit (think millions), his parents made many sacrifices to ensure this business ran well when DH was younger and I honestly believe they deserve all the money they have due to the sheer hard work and long hours that were put into running the business at the time.

DH has said that he has never really been given any money by his parents and he thinks that they want him to make his own way in life (understandable) this in a way has been advantageous in the fact that my partner strives to do well on his own merit - hes worked hard and now has a professional job in an engineering role. (I am a teacher). Over the years we have made many sacrifices to enable DP to study and for us to be able to put money together for a deposit for a small 2 bed apartment that we currently live in a cheaper area of the city. We buy our clothes from local charities, ebay, sell clothes and goods on ebay, we haven't been on holiday for 5 years (except the odd UK break here or there), meal prep, never eat out etc. We share a car which is 10 years old and needs upgrading in the nearby future. I imagine there are many people who do similar things to save money and we are not unique in that respect. We have also held out on getting married and having children because we wanted to prioritize getting on the housing ladder and being secure for the future.There has been one occasion when we were in our early 20s where we couldn't afford the rent (before buying) and DH asked his parents whether he could borrow money and it would be returned when he got his next pay packet - his dad agreed but it was never actually paid in to his account, we were never sure why but didn't want to press the issue and after all it is their money so didn't ask again.

SIL and her partner are a few years younger than us and had 2 planned DC shortly after graduating from university, SIL has never worked (although has a good degree to give credit to her) and are fortunate to be able to live in a lovely housing association house within about 30 mins from where we live. SIL partner works in a supermarket and has no desire to progress in his career. (which is fair enough, people have different priorities in life) - however they live a lifestyle that we can't afford due to handouts from DH parents - their house is furnished with brand new, expensive furniture, equipment, multiple game consoles, designer clothes for DC , they have 2 cars, despite only using 1 etc. We were recently told that his parents paid off their outstanding (£6.5k) credit card bill yet they still continue to parade on social media all their new purchases that they have made over the last few weeks - (e.g SIL posted a new red chanel lipstick she had bought online & she posts every friday their pizzas from dominos) They receive monthly payments from DH's parents to help with their DC and SIL has no intention of returning back to work. SIL husband says he is having difficulty obtaining more hours at work - which is understandable it really is but we find it so frustrating that we have to cut back and make so many sacrifices every day and despite their (in my opinion) poor financial decisions they seem to be rewarded and constantly given handouts and DH's parents are full of sympathy about how they are struggling and how life isn't as easy for them. We don't have that much money either and are skimping and saving to upgrade our car in addition to trying to put some money together for the future - except we don't just spend it all on a CC and then bill his parents, to me this is morally wrong.

DH, (although technically none of his business) has said to his parents that if they weren't given so many handouts maybe it would give them the drive to work hard and make sacrifices that we have had to make to be self sufficient - if they were struggling after making the sacrifices then of course I would never begrudge them from obtaining help from parents that naturally want to help their children.

I know AIBU to have a moan and I guess it isn't our business how much money DH parents give siblings but AIBU to feel that DC should be treated equally and the sibling who works hard and has made sacrifices in life should not be treated differently?

Has anyone else experienced anything similar? AIBU that we both get annoyed?

It’s not your money though

"And I am a teacher in the south east living reasonably comfortably on just my wage with 2 kids so I am not clueless about outer London expenses."

Am curious as to your salary and rent/mortgage pp.

I think most on this thread probably have no idea about the price of a 2 bed flat in Surrey when you are FTB and have no equity to put in, but have to start with a hefty deposit.

YANBU to be irritated, but unfortunately there is nothing you can do as it is up to them who and how they give money.

My sister has routinely been bailed out by my dad. He has given her money, paid off a CC (4kish) and also bought her a decent car (6k?). Some of her hardship comes from a 10 year relationship where her partner effectively bled her dry and lumped her with debt when they split, but she had a part to play in it as well as she also wanted the 'finer things' such as a mini on finance or trips abroad to Orlando (Disney etc).

I have not gone completely without, as my dad did give me £100 a month while at university, which worked out to be about 3.5k over the three years. But there will always be a disparity.

There was talk of her buying my dad's house but as she had no money for a deposit he would gift her the amount of equity needed as an earlier inheritance... But didn't have an answer for how our 'inheritance share' would be paid when my dad passes as it would be locked in the house she was living in, knowing I wouldn't force her to sell. That idea has been shelved after I pointed out problems with if our dad needed to go into care.

Crap like this happens in families but not much you can do. I fully understand the annoyance though, as it isn't equal.

Parents aside, is there something you're not telling us about your own finances? Two professional jobs, no kids, no holidays, no luxuries, working for what 15 years each already; and only a small 2 bed in the cheapest part of the city with a huge mortgage. That doesn't stack up.

But, yes, parents aren't behaving as I would plan to with my children. Also, there's something a little distasteful of millionaire parents with their child taking up a precious ha house.

I am surprised that posters seem to think we are well off, it took us years and years to save for the deposit for the flat whilst renting (circa £30k) can people really save that amount without making major sacrifies? We had no financial help from either parent and in order to do that we cut back. To the pp who said we must be poor with our finances, actually I am proud of all we have achieved so far! We still have ingrained in us the same ethic that we did whilst renting and saving for a deposit in order to continue to build on our savings. I do not feel like we have plenty of spare cash at the end of the month especially not for expensive lavish items!

All the money we had went into the deposit, we are back at the bottom again trying to save for the future.. our mortgage costs £1050 a month! It's expensive but we are hoping as the years go on we can build on the equity we have, reduce our monthly payments and perhaps in time move into a small house with a garden.

It might be helpful if you let us know your salaries, if you want to; although I appreciate that this post was about pil; but that's already unanimous; they're not being fair.

But, you've both been working for a decade in professional jobs which offer career progression; him more; you should both be earning £30k+. Must be £4k per month at least coming in. £1k on mortgage. I'm sorry, I don't get where the £3k left per month is going to leave you with scrimping and saving.

OP I'm not sure why people think they need to comment on your personal financial circumstances. It wasn't the question you asked. You said you don't have a lavish lifestyle and need to be careful with money. With large housing costs that makes sense.

@Secondstarfromtheright

Thank you! I never claimed poverty I am proud of how far we have come and what we have achieved, but that wasn't really the point of my post- I wasn't looking for financial advice from posters. We do have other costs but I don't really want to breakdown my outgoings as I haven't posted for that reason!

My point was more about how DH and his sibling has been treated unfairly throughout his life really and we have had to make sacrifices and go without because we have not had our life funded for us like SIL and her partner has. They rely on DHs parents to fund a lifestyle that is beyond their means.

I know it isn't my business and I will happily be chastised for that but I can't help but feel irritated! Despite them having a low income (one wage) they splash out on expensive items, designer brands & makeup, takeaways etc and expect to get that money back from DH parents. DH parents obviously feel bad and fund their lifestyle. For us, we haven't had that luxury (and wouldn't expect to either) but we have had to make sacrifices and when in the past DH has been in genuine need he has received a sarcastic/cold response from his parents. We have also received criticism on things we have achieved, which to us is adding salt to the wounds.

@WotnoPasta

Exactly!!!! Treating siblings so differently causes resentment and the one who has been sensible feels like they are being 'punished' for being so!

Op

You say “funded their lifestyle”

You mean the lifestyle that involves them in a Housing Association property?

You list lots of technical equipment. One offs that no doubt that grandchildren in mind.

Also - you have confirmed you haven’t asked (aside from once years ago). They clearly have.

* we have had to make sacrifices and go without because we have not had our life funded for us like SIL and her partner has.*

You need to stop thinking about it like this. You’re an adult. Not a teenager. You And your partner haven’t financially benefited from their wealth. That doesn’t mean you have made sacrifices etc. It means you haven’t benefited. Quite a difference but revealing in terms of your thinking. That their benefit is not a “benefit” but rather a “need” without which you make “sacrifices” and “go without”.

Thank you @Juliet2014 you have given me something to think about / put some perspective into the matter!