AIBU to feel irritated that DH's sibling gets monetary handouts and we don't?

[jumpingjenn3h]

Regular poster but name changed ! (Expecting some criticism.. hear me out!)

DH has a very wealthy family and lives in a large house in Surrey. (They also own other properties across the world) The family business was sold approx 15 years ago and made a massive profit (think millions), his parents made many sacrifices to ensure this business ran well when DH was younger and I honestly believe they deserve all the money they have due to the sheer hard work and long hours that were put into running the business at the time.

DH has said that he has never really been given any money by his parents and he thinks that they want him to make his own way in life (understandable) this in a way has been advantageous in the fact that my partner strives to do well on his own merit - hes worked hard and now has a professional job in an engineering role. (I am a teacher). Over the years we have made many sacrifices to enable DP to study and for us to be able to put money together for a deposit for a small 2 bed apartment that we currently live in a cheaper area of the city. We buy our clothes from local charities, ebay, sell clothes and goods on ebay, we haven't been on holiday for 5 years (except the odd UK break here or there), meal prep, never eat out etc. We share a car which is 10 years old and needs upgrading in the nearby future. I imagine there are many people who do similar things to save money and we are not unique in that respect. We have also held out on getting married and having children because we wanted to prioritize getting on the housing ladder and being secure for the future.There has been one occasion when we were in our early 20s where we couldn't afford the rent (before buying) and DH asked his parents whether he could borrow money and it would be returned when he got his next pay packet - his dad agreed but it was never actually paid in to his account, we were never sure why but didn't want to press the issue and after all it is their money so didn't ask again.

SIL and her partner are a few years younger than us and had 2 planned DC shortly after graduating from university, SIL has never worked (although has a good degree to give credit to her) and are fortunate to be able to live in a lovely housing association house within about 30 mins from where we live. SIL partner works in a supermarket and has no desire to progress in his career. (which is fair enough, people have different priorities in life) - however they live a lifestyle that we can't afford due to handouts from DH parents - their house is furnished with brand new, expensive furniture, equipment, multiple game consoles, designer clothes for DC , they have 2 cars, despite only using 1 etc. We were recently told that his parents paid off their outstanding (£6.5k) credit card bill yet they still continue to parade on social media all their new purchases that they have made over the last few weeks - (e.g SIL posted a new red chanel lipstick she had bought online & she posts every friday their pizzas from dominos) They receive monthly payments from DH's parents to help with their DC and SIL has no intention of returning back to work. SIL husband says he is having difficulty obtaining more hours at work - which is understandable it really is but we find it so frustrating that we have to cut back and make so many sacrifices every day and despite their (in my opinion) poor financial decisions they seem to be rewarded and constantly given handouts and DH's parents are full of sympathy about how they are struggling and how life isn't as easy for them. We don't have that much money either and are skimping and saving to upgrade our car in addition to trying to put some money together for the future - except we don't just spend it all on a CC and then bill his parents, to me this is morally wrong.

DH, (although technically none of his business) has said to his parents that if they weren't given so many handouts maybe it would give them the drive to work hard and make sacrifices that we have had to make to be self sufficient - if they were struggling after making the sacrifices then of course I would never begrudge them from obtaining help from parents that naturally want to help their children.

I know AIBU to have a moan and I guess it isn't our business how much money DH parents give siblings but AIBU to feel that DC should be treated equally and the sibling who works hard and has made sacrifices in life should not be treated differently?

Has anyone else experienced anything similar? AIBU that we both get annoyed?

It’s incredibly unfair. Your DH should sit down with them and explain how it is hurting him too much to be treated this way.

@CokeEnStock we live down south, with a big mortgage. We arent poor or struggling due to budgeting each month and making sacrifices! However; that's the point we sacrifice in order to be able to afford things. It took us quite a while to save for a deposit whilst renting and after purchasing the apartment we are back at square 1 and trying to save for the future, including marriage, children and upgrading the 1 car we have.

(I am not claiming poverty btw!)

@AltogetherAndrews you know I think you are spot on! DH has made a comment before to me too about how DF was disappointed that he was a boy and was overjoyed when they had his sister. It was made in jest as a jokey way but DH feels that there was some truth in it. Very sad really and it has impacted DH greatly! He gets quite emotional talking about it

Well if could be favouritism, but it might also be the price they think they have to pay to see their grandchildren, even if it is not explicitly stated.

I must admit their HA house is lovely though, I can understand why they wouldnt want to move from it!

Op
They are on a low low income and they don’t own any property and they have children.

Come on - multi millionaire parents helping them furnishings etc seems positively.... meagre!

I do wonder if the original loan was paid into an incorrect account and as nobody queried it, it’s gone. Your father in law may think you’ve had the money and not paid or back! I would definitely check.

I am struggling to see why you don’t have more disposable income

Professional job in engineering
Teacher
Presumably both full time
No children

And year you are presenting your situation as... one car; a few UK breaks, scrabbling to save anything

This sounds similar to my DHs parents. His parents are not well off like your DH’s parents, in fact they were verging on poverty at times. My DH has an older sister who has had handouts all her life to the point my DH went without seeing glasses at 14/15 even though he needed them but his sister demanded designer glasses. Other things too like being 15/16 and having outgrown a pair of shoes but the parents had just bought the sister an entire new wardrobe. They sent her to
Private school and DH to a state school And then paid for uni whilst DH took a gap year and paid for it via work and sholarships. Anyway this has carried on, sis in law is almost 50 and still struggles with money. two years ago she took a loan (which the parents can not afford to give) from her parents and came to the uk for Christmas with her two kids. She has yet to pay it off and I’m continues to moan to her parents how much she is struggling financially.

DHs parents are 75 and have no pension (they’ve only stopped working and that’s a whole other story but partly bcos they’ve paid for sis in law for most of her life) and now DH has started helping them on a monthly basis whilst the sister has refused to give a dime. DH has over the years told them they backed the wrong horse as she is now unemployed and her expensive education has not helped her.

It enrages me but hey, she will always struggle (situation of her own making) and the parents will not be around to bail her out.

Have a moan on here but let your DH deal with it as he sees best. The parents will do what they want with their money. I’ve learnt that.

@jumpingjenn3h

Nope they aren’t really tight- must spend loads on flights, clothes etc. They would be generous with a gift for someone’s wedding (not ours!). They just seem to be against monetary gifts, which I think is a ‘we made our own way’ mentality.

I sort of understand it but it does seem like a waste. No idea what they are planning to do with all their money.

@juliet2014
We dont begrudge them getting financial help as such , if I had 2 children and I was very wealthy I would be helping out a lot more but at the same time ensuring both children got treated fairly. If DH SIL was genuinely struggling (and not purchasing lavish expensive goods, designer clothes, weekly dominos etc) and making poor reckless financial decisions then I would completely understand it. They spend everything on credit cards and expect for it to just get paid off by parents. It's the parents decision whether they should pay off the credit card but then if you are going to do that wouldnt you give the same money to the other sibling ?

We have a high mortgage and dont have much disposable income, without going into all our financial situation including my own personal finances! We are not poor or struggling but we have to make sacrifices. That was my point really!

Perhaps they ask for it?

You don’t and they see your jobs and no children and out 2+2 and make.... 4?!

The situation is not going to change unless you ask.
If they say no - then YANBU

Perhaps they are tucking away money for you as part of their inheritance to reflect the additional amount being given to SIL

Although you must remember how compelling grandchildren are. I reckon it really is for that reason and that reason alone. They know sil is being a bit reckless but they don’t want the children to go without.

It sounds like they regularly ask for money and receive it. Your DH doesn’t because of past experience.

Whatever happened in the past, if she asks and gets, and he doesn’t and doesn’t get, he can’t complain because he hasn’t asked in at least the last ten years. If he asked and they outright said no while giving to his sister then yeah, I’d get the annoyance there.

It could also be the whole “man needs to pay his own way”, “daughter needs protection and help” thing 🤷‍♀️

Maybe they don't see you as committed to each other as you are not married. Not my opinion but might it be theirs?

@Juliet2014 thanks for your reply I do think you might have a point and see your pov. I think from previous experiences DH has kind of learned not to ask for anything as he never got it when he did ask.

We dont have children so it could be a big pull your right.. DH hasnt really been given anything I would be surprised if this changed when we did have DC but who knows!

OP

You don’t get a HA home unless you really are on the bones of your arse.
Very low income or a bad situation or previous home extremely overcrowded or unsuitable or you’re homeless!

DH, (although technically none of his business) has said to his parents that if they weren't given so many handouts maybe it would give them the drive to work hard and make sacrifices that we have had to make to be self sufficient

How did they respond to that?

Not at all. Things are very similar here. We conservatively estimate that DH's sister gets a minimum of £500 a month. Periodically his parents help us with a larger item, like the car or work on the house but as a general rule we sort ourselves out. They have 2 children and she hasn't really worked since the oldest was born (he's 6 now). The thing I'm most upset about is that we were offered help for my maternity leave that never materialised. I was already 4 months pregnant when they started making noises that it wasn't going to happen so we had to do a lot of rejigging. I've gone back to work now my lg is 16 weeks old and we're doing shared parental leave as DH gets full pay up to 26 weeks. As pp have said, at some point the help will stop and we know we'll manage on our own income.

@SeasonFinale perhaps! We are engaged though and are very happy together! (I thought putting DF for darling fiance in my posts would confuse things! )

Have you tried saying that you’d like kids but don’t think you can afford them? Maybe a hint of more grandkids might spur them on?

They're only helping her because of the grandchildren.

You're tying yourself into knots over how somebody else is choosing to spend/distribute their £££.

Hasn't the last two months in lockdown due to the pandemic helped you to prioritise what's important? Stop discussing your SIL and your in-laws £££. You have your health, a home, a job, a partner that loves you.

@JacobReesMogadishu hahaha this made me chuckle we should ;)

@NurseButtercup

Thanks .. you do have a point and I know I am AIBU. I cant do anything about it in RL so having a moan on here instead. Your right I am lucky in other ways and I should focus on that!

Regarding the pandemic - believe me its impacting me on a personal level in addition to close family members having contracted it and being very unwell in hospital. If you are a nurse I salute you!

Yanbu to think his parents should not treat you so differently.
YABU to be struggling and having no luxuries on what must be at least 60k a year.
Even if you use the whole of one of your salaries for the mortgage plenty of people live on less than one professional wage including housing costs. I can only assume you both spent money like water when you were younger....

And I am a teacher in the south east living reasonably comfortably on just my wage with 2 kids so I am not clueless about outer London expenses.

I’m another one wondering about how you life is so frugal. You are a teacher in your early 30’s so M6? Which I think is currently about £36k. If your partner is earning similar that’s a household income of over £70k per annum.
Are you really struggling that much?