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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bully coming round next door

74 replies

AtLastEarwax · 08/06/2020 09:29

Ok I know this sounds pathetic. I'm not sure if I'm on the right topic??

Anyway my neighbour I get on really well with. She's a good laugh and we have gin nights etc etc anyway we were talking about school - she was a couple of years above me and the characters etc. As you do! And she said she sill speaks to 'jane' - false name. And she said yeah 'Jane' is round here all the time haven't you seen her?? This 'Jane' was vile to me at school, she spat on my back and everything. Tbh I don't actually know why, my mum knew and went to school etc but they did nothing - she got suspended for a day. My mum called it jealousy. Anyway now she's going to be coming round again I'm bricking it. We have a hot tub at the bottom of the garden. Meaning we have to walk blatantly into it. I'm worried she'll heckle me or something. What do I do if my neighbour talks to me and she's there?? I saw her in boots and she stared at me but not sure whether it was because she recognised me and wasn't sure where from or because she realised and hated me.

I know I should be more mature and rise above it. Hubby just said to be polite but some of it isn't that. A part of me is still terrified by her - embarrassed as I am to admit it

OP posts:

Lampan · 08/06/2020 09:35

If Jane remembers how she treated you there is a good chance she will be embarrassed about the past. Not to excuse what she did at all, but she’s very unlikely to treat you in the same way now. I was bullied at school but when I have seen them in passing more recently everyone has acted like adults and nothing nasty has been said.
If I was to come across the girl who was really awful to me, I would just smile and be breezy and take the high ground that way. Don’t worry and good luck!

ThisShitCrazy · 08/06/2020 09:40

Oh OP this is your chance to get a very dignified revenge. Will you honestly let a school bully heckle you in your own garden? Hell no, you're older and wiser and have nothing to be scared of now. Kill her with kindness. If you see her say 'oh hey Jane, nice to see you how are things? I'm glad you've grown out of spitting on people and terrorising them like you did with me back in school'. Watch her squirm. As an adult I can guarantee she will be ashamed of the way she acted and even more so in front of a mutual friend who she most certainly hasn't told about it.

Do not hide away from her. She can't touch you anymore you're an adult now.

CtrlU · 08/06/2020 09:40

Coming round where ?
To your house ?

I wouldn’t have someone I don’t like in my house let alone relaxing in my hot tub.

Don’t invite her to let her make you feel uncomfortable in your own home.

keepingbees · 08/06/2020 09:43

If your neighbour said she's round there all the time and you've never noticed then I wouldn't worry about her coming round again, chances are you won't even know?

HouseOfEdwards · 08/06/2020 09:46

Where is she going round to? You don't have to go in a hot tub at the bottom of your garden while she is there. Just stay in.

Either she will be embarrassed she was a twat at school or she will still be awful. Who knows? I would just avoid her.

I had a woman be awful to me when my dd started school. Then we moved away for a decade and when we came back she was all over me because she didn't remember and so I tried ignoring her and when she pushed it I told her I didn't want to know because of what happened it all started up again,

TimelyManor · 08/06/2020 09:48

We have a hot tub at the bottom of the garden. Meaning we have to walk blatantly into it. I'm worried she'll heckle me or something.

Dance to that hot tub! She's the one who was in the wrong (and really probably had issues herself hence trying to make others feel bad) so you have no reason to feel awkward in your own space.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 08/06/2020 09:49

Just be civil. I wouldn't be trying to be friendly, but I can't talk, I am actually friends with my school bully. She tortured me, but now as adults I see what an insecure and unhappy person she was and still is. She has many problems and I think I feel sorry for her actually.

Funkyslippers · 08/06/2020 09:52

You carry on exactly as you have been. Come and go on your own property exactly as you want! If she heckles you say something like "nice to see you've matured since school" with a big smile. But I very much doubt she will be nasty. She'll either look embarrassed and not say anything or behave as if nothing happened.

Clawdy · 08/06/2020 09:54

She'd have to be very odd to "heckle" you after all this time, particularly in front of her friend. Most likely she'll be mortified when she sees you, and will steer clear.

Letseatgrandma · 08/06/2020 09:57

Anyway now she's going to be coming round again I'm bricking it. We have a hot tub at the bottom of the garden. Meaning we have to walk blatantly into it.

I’m not sure what you mean? She won’t be in your garden or your hot tub, will she? How will you be walking blatantly into a situation?

Do you mean she might visit your neighbour’s garden?

Elieza · 08/06/2020 09:58

I think she’ll say nothing.

Sometimes bullies are being abused at home so even though she was nasty to you some awful stuff may have been going on at home so presumably she’s away from that now and is more settled.

I’m not saying that’s an excuse for being nasty. But it’s a reason. Or she may just have been a bitch but it was a long time ago so I would just be wary of her but would expect her to be a different person now.

If she says anything about school you can bring it up if you want to. Preferably not in front of the friend.

I think it will be ok.

Samtsirch · 08/06/2020 09:59

I agree with Pink, just be civil, don’t offer or expect anything more.
Bullies can change so much as they get older, especially if they now have their own children.
She probably regrets her behaviour, someone who bullied me at school apologised years later and explained that horrible home circumstances contributed to her awful behaviour.
She may not apologise, may not even remember you, but she no longer has any hold over you.
Be civil and be brave 😊

Bluesheep8 · 08/06/2020 10:01

*Oh OP this is your chance to get a very dignified revenge. Will you honestly let a school bully heckle you in your own garden? Hell no, you're older and wiser and have nothing to be scared of now. Kill her with kindness. If you see her say 'oh hey Jane, nice to see you how are things? I'm glad you've grown out of spitting on people and terrorising them like you did with me back in school'. Watch her squirm. As an adult I can guarantee she will be ashamed of the way she acted and even more so in front of a mutual friend who she most certainly hasn't told about it.

Do not hide away from her. She can't touch you anymore you're an adult now.*

This.
Also, in casual conversation , ask if she's got kids. And ask how she'd feel if they were bullied. Even give specific detail of what she did to you.

CtrlU · 08/06/2020 10:06

I’m still unsure as to why you would have a bully come to your home and relax in your hot tub when you don’t feel comfortable with it ??

I’m not being funny but grow a pair and make it clear you won’t be comfortable with it so she can’t come. Your not in school anymore. She can’t back you into a corner. Your an adult and you choose what friends you want to entertain in your home - she isn’t one of them. Inviting her and running off to the kitchen whilst everyone is enjoying YOUR hot tub sounds abit crazy if I’m honest and I can imagine you showing you don’t have it in you to tell her not to come - will allow her to feel like she can pull the strings with you just like she did in school. Stand up for yourself now and don’t let her mug you off or even give her the opportunity to let her make you feel unsettled.

Sorry if I sound harsh OP as it wasn’t my intention. But I find it strange. Letting her pretend nothing happened and allowing her to make you feel belittled in your own home doesn’t necessarily mean you have grown up and gotten over it. Sometimes getting over things means leaving them in the past. Like her.

Amber0685 · 08/06/2020 10:13

The girl that bullied me at school asked me to be a fb friend (we live in different countries) I accepted. I rarely post on there, but every single time she writes a nice comment. Sorry maybe? I never comment on her stuff.

pinkyboots1 · 08/06/2020 10:13

I was horrendously bullied in school too and 1 of my bullies lives in my street now, 1 did live in my street and 1 applied for a job where I interviewed her! The girl who lives in my street is now super friendly and although I'll never call her a friend we're certainly not enemies. The girl who lived in my street but moved would put her eyes to the ground and shuffle past every time she saw me and I'd respond with an enormous "hello" and a big smile ... and I gave the girl I interviewed the job! It was fab to watch her squirm when my co-interviewer commented about us going to the same school! (I just agreed and said nothing about the past and just smiled) she didn't last long, presumably because she thought I'd mention it which I never did.
You need to be totally strong and 'take back' your strength and power, you're not that kid anymore.. you are not in the wrong now and never have been

HappydaysArehere · 08/06/2020 10:24

If she appears in her garden she is there to see your neighbour not you. At the most give a wave and go inside. She won’t suggest a catch up. You haven’t seen her because, I suspect, she knows you live next door and has avoided seeing you.
Forget it and don’t get involved in catch ups.

CorianderLord · 08/06/2020 10:30

Tel her to fuck off staring at you as you get into the hot tub.

I know it's hard with school bullies, many of us regress into that feeing of being helpless and humiliated. But you're a grown woman now and you don't have to take any bullshit. If she heckles you, say you'll call the police or get the hose on her. If she does anything else just raise an eyebrow and ignore.

I'd tell your neighbour too. She may keep her inside etc to spare you x

Original poster

AtLastEarwax · 08/06/2020 11:08

IM NOT INVITING HER TO MY HOUSE, SHE IS MY NEIGHBOURS FRIEND, I CANT TELL HER WHO SHE HAS IN HER HOUSE!!!

Yes I used shouty caps as people clearly aren't reading

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/06/2020 11:10

Head tilt: “So are you doing better these days? It was so sad how mixed up you were at school.”

Original poster

AtLastEarwax · 08/06/2020 11:10

Urgh yes I deffo don't want a catch up with her, would rather boil my own head 😂😂😂

I think it's because me and my neighbour get on well and stand and have a cuppa etc that I'm worried one day she might be sitting outside with her and see me.

Do I dare say hi to her though, I don't know if I could 🙈🙈🙈

OP posts:

CtrlU · 08/06/2020 11:10

I’ve read through 4 times and I still can’t see in the original text where you mentioned she was coming to your friends house and not yours.

Maybe you should be more clear.

In fact - channel that same energy into the woman who bullied you and you won’t behave any problems.

Original poster

AtLastEarwax · 08/06/2020 11:11

So are you doing better haha lots of good suggestions but I don't know if I'd have the balls

OP posts:

CtrlU · 08/06/2020 11:11

You won’t have*

Original poster

AtLastEarwax · 08/06/2020 11:13

As in the sense my neighbour said she comes round all the time and after lockdown will be coming round again - makes sense when I type it to myself but I do see what you mean. My neighbour said "she round here all the time, she'll be coming round again"

OP posts:

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