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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bully coming round next door

74 replies

AtLastEarwax · 08/06/2020 09:29

Ok I know this sounds pathetic. I'm not sure if I'm on the right topic??

Anyway my neighbour I get on really well with. She's a good laugh and we have gin nights etc etc anyway we were talking about school - she was a couple of years above me and the characters etc. As you do! And she said she sill speaks to 'jane' - false name. And she said yeah 'Jane' is round here all the time haven't you seen her?? This 'Jane' was vile to me at school, she spat on my back and everything. Tbh I don't actually know why, my mum knew and went to school etc but they did nothing - she got suspended for a day. My mum called it jealousy. Anyway now she's going to be coming round again I'm bricking it. We have a hot tub at the bottom of the garden. Meaning we have to walk blatantly into it. I'm worried she'll heckle me or something. What do I do if my neighbour talks to me and she's there?? I saw her in boots and she stared at me but not sure whether it was because she recognised me and wasn't sure where from or because she realised and hated me.

I know I should be more mature and rise above it. Hubby just said to be polite but some of it isn't that. A part of me is still terrified by her - embarrassed as I am to admit it

OP posts:

Covidkate · 08/06/2020 12:10

I would massively disagree with all the confront her/ask her how she feels if her kids were bullied/ make snide comments. Honestly it just will make you look bad, and increase the chances she will say something snippy back and it will leave you feeling unsatisfied. We all like to dream of those witty comebacks, quick comments etc but it never seems to go that way and is more likely to leave you frustrated.

I was bullied as a kid, and last year had my hair cut by the main bully. I walked in for an appointment with her (hadnt realised she worked there!) panicked didnt know what to do. I was trying to think of something mic drop worthy, but we ended up chatting. Nothing about school but it made me realise she was a kid then too making kid choices, shes now an adult and was a different person with her own kids. I also have a life im fairly proud of, im not that small bullied kid anymore.

I've never gone back, but actually it was okay. We aren't ever going to be friends, i dont "forgive her" but equally ive dropped my hatred of her. She was disappointingly human, not the monster i remember

Atalune · 08/06/2020 12:14

In the ocean possible way you’re worrying about nothing.

No this has happened and nothing is likely to happen.

If your neighbour brings it up again- just say- oh we didn’t get along so great on school. Jane was a bit of a wally to me as I recall! And then laugh it off.

Daybydaybyday87 · 08/06/2020 12:14

OP I was bullied at secondary school too so perfectly understand where you are coming from and all the anxiety you felt all those years ago is being churned back up again. But now she is an adult, she is most likely horrified to remember what she did. Just stay polite and civil, you have done absolutely nothing wrong, you don't have to worry!! Use your garden, don't be intimidated!!

Covidkate · 08/06/2020 12:18

I agree that the best revenge is living well, entering into some sort of verbal battle (eg. I remember you were horrible) is likely to cause you to be flustered, and is you trying to make her feel horrible. It makes sense that you want to make her feel how she made you feel but it also means that you are giving that power back to her, if you mentally give her the power to make you feel big, then you also gove her the power to make you feel small. Your judging yourself through her eyes again

makingmammaries · 08/06/2020 12:22

You don’t actually have to get in the hot tub if you know that “Jane” is around, though, do you? Why give her so much headspace?

WillYouDoTheFandango · 08/06/2020 12:25

I personally couldn't even be civil. The girl who was vile to me (tried to set my hair on fire, pushed me, taunted me every day for 5 years) is still vile as a woman. Lots of people don't just grow up and realise what a bitch they were, they just continue to be horrible. She has posted on a local Facebook that a brick has been put through her window twice in the last year "for no reason". I just blank now when I bump into her in Tesco etc and she sort of sneers at me. I could cheerfully get into a loud brawl in the supermarket but manage to control myself.

If she's in your neighbours garden just give a brief wave and keep on walking. I wouldn't stop and chat at all.

EKGEMS · 08/06/2020 12:27

"Well hello Ms. Bully long time no see tormented anyone new lately?" grin at her like the Cheshire Cat

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 08/06/2020 12:29

"anyway we were talking about school - she was a couple of years above me and the characters etc. As you do! And she said she sill speaks to 'jane' - false name. And she said yeah 'Jane' is round here all the time haven't you seen her??"
Is there any way your friend next door knows about the situation with 'Jane' and is sussing out how you feel and what you remember?

Just make sure you are prepared for 'Jane' to now have a socially-distanced visit in your friend's garden now things have been relaxed. You need to decide whether you are going to acknowledge her, ignore her (understandable) or maybe kill her with kindness.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 08/06/2020 12:30

OP you wrote your post perfectly legibly, I suspect those having a pop at you are embarrassed that they couldn't understand it and made silly comments.

It actually sounds like you could get a lot out of it if she does speak to you, putting demons in your own head to rest. I saw my school bully years ago , for a while after school she had built up in my head to this nasty horrible awful thing. When I saw her, I realised how breathtakingly unimportant she was . She just seemed small and pathetic to me. (I don't mean physically just in general). Issues about your size etc are all your own , has nothing to do with her but about your self esteem.

Honestly I now see my school bully as this inconsequential sad mixed up little girl. I don't really feel pity, I just feel nothing. She has no power over me and hasn't for decades . See her for what she is ...unimportant.

ThisShitCrazy · 08/06/2020 12:36

You don’t actually have to get in the hot tub if you know that “Jane” is around, though, do you? Why give her so much headspace?

I'd be in there with a glass of bubbles and sunnies on. Give a little 'yoohoo!' As you're walking past dressed in your flashiest robe.

Bollocks to her OP.

louise5754 · 08/06/2020 12:53

OP if you regularly chat to your neighbour over tea and gin and Jane is over hers "all the time" it's strange she's never dropped her into conversation. "Oh yes Jane has that/ has done that" "better go in meeting Jane" and you've never once seen her. Maybe they have only just become friendly and she wanted to suss your reaction before inviting her over.

NoMoreDickheads · 08/06/2020 12:59

I know how you feel, bullying leaves trauma and anxiety, one therapist I had treated it as PTSD.

But she won't call you names nowadays, and in the rare event you did I think your neighbour would say it was not ok, and see her less. xxx

heartsonacake · 08/06/2020 13:01

She’s a grown adult now. Why you think she would heckle you is beyond me

Very, very few people are the same people they were at school.

Crinkle77 · 08/06/2020 13:02

Just ignore her and if she does heckle you just tell her to fuck off.

boredtotears11 · 08/06/2020 13:03

I understood your op completely. Obvious you meant she’d be in next doors garden whilst you were in hot tub. ( Nothing worse than having to side track for someone who nit picks.).....Do not be scared of the bully, I’d just say, “Hi I remember you from school, remember me?” and let her squirm. It’s for her to feel uncomfortable, not you. She’s hardly going to embarrass herself in front of your nice neighbour.

JamesZebra · 08/06/2020 13:09

I would play it cool. Don't say anything, act like you don't recognise her.

I was bullied quite badly by someone at school and now we are quite good friends. I found out recently she was going through some awful stuff at the time so I have swept it under the carpet and she is like a totally different person now.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/06/2020 13:16

I'd say if your NDN is really so friendly with Jane that she's 'over all the time' then it's pretty likely that NDN has already said to Jane "Did you know Earwax in school? Wasn't she in your year? Anyway, she lives next door. Nice lady. Small world, eh?". I'd also think it would have been normal for NDN to suggest the 3 of you have a cuppa or a glass of wine and 'reminisce'. I would if I had 2 friends who 'knew' each other in school.

So if you haven't seen Jane in the past, it's probably because she's avoiding you. So I wouldn't worry about cat-calls over the back fence. Hold your head high and carry on. If NDN does happen to call over the back fence "Hey Earwax, here's Jane, remember her?", just cock an eyebrow and say "Oh yes. I remember Jane very well" and keep walking.

damnthatanxiety · 08/06/2020 13:49

We have a hot tub at the bottom of the garden. Meaning we have to walk blatantly into it. I'm worried she'll heckle me or something. What do I do if my neighbour talks to me and she's there??

So much decoding was required. I think I understand the hot tub bit. You are worried that when you are going to your hot tub, Jane might happen to be at neighbour's house and see you. Is that it? How do you know that has not already happened? If she has been frequently going to neighbour's house, then maybe she has already been there while you have been home and using said hottub.

Original poster

AtLastEarwax · 08/06/2020 14:05

Ooh I have two options now... act like I don't remember her or just say oh yeah I remember you

I can hear her voice to this day though and her vile eyes.

It is like trauma I suppose

OP posts:

Littlepond · 08/06/2020 14:46

There was a girl in the year above me at school who sounds exactly like your Jane. Walking closely behind me to trip me up. Shouting at me in the corridors, throwing things at me.
When I met my now-DH we talked about people we knew in common and it turned out he was friends with this girl. I was freaked out about meeting her but when we did she was far more mortified than me. First thing she did was come over to me and grab my hand and say oh my gosh I was SUCH a dick at school, I’m so sorry let me get you a drink.
We are friends now. She was super insecure at school and had some issues around her home life and picked on me cos she was taller than me and everyone else was taller than her (I’m really short!) and it made her feel powerful and in control. Actually pretty sad. She had a lot of therapy when younger and she’s actually a pretty awesome person now.

If you are close with your neighbour and your neighbour is close with Jane isn’t it more likely Jane’s grown up into a better person? Why would your nice neighbour be friends with someone who would heckle you on the way to your hot tub?

strawberry2017 · 08/06/2020 15:11

Go with the "I remember you option"
If she's got anything about her that simple comment will make her feel completely shit without you being a bad guy.

She will either be mortified about how she behaved or pretend it never happened as she doesn't want to face what a Bitch she was or still be a complete Bitch now!
I'd like to think she's grown as a person but once you get the initial seeing her done with I think you will feel much better x

ImStillBreathingButBarely2 · 09/06/2020 23:42

@HouseOfEdwards

Where is she going round to? You don't have to go in a hot tub at the bottom of your garden while she is there. Just stay in.

Either she will be embarrassed she was a twat at school or she will still be awful. Who knows? I would just avoid her.

I had a woman be awful to me when my dd started school. Then we moved away for a decade and when we came back she was all over me because she didn't remember and so I tried ignoring her and when she pushed it I told her I didn't want to know because of what happened it all started up again,

"Just stay in." But the OP shouldn't have to. She has the right to enjoy her hot tub.

ImStillBreathingButBarely2 · 09/06/2020 23:43

@AtLastEarwax

Ooh I have two options now... act like I don't remember her or just say oh yeah I remember you

I can hear her voice to this day though and her vile eyes.

It is like trauma I suppose

It definitely is a trauma.

Bullying is a form of abuse. The fact that it is done by other children doesn't make it less damaging.

ItsNotAGameOfSubbuteoMatthew · 10/06/2020 00:25

If she says anything akin to the bullying from years ago you could sigh and calmly say. I'd hoped you'd grown out of trying to bully me but sadly some bullies just can't grow up. And ignore her completely from then on.

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