Bully coming round next door

[AtLastEarwax]

Ok I know this sounds pathetic. I'm not sure if I'm on the right topic??

Anyway my neighbour I get on really well with. She's a good laugh and we have gin nights etc etc anyway we were talking about school - she was a couple of years above me and the characters etc. As you do! And she said she sill speaks to 'jane' - false name. And she said yeah 'Jane' is round here all the time haven't you seen her?? This 'Jane' was vile to me at school, she spat on my back and everything. Tbh I don't actually know why, my mum knew and went to school etc but they did nothing - she got suspended for a day. My mum called it jealousy. Anyway now she's going to be coming round again I'm bricking it. We have a hot tub at the bottom of the garden. Meaning we have to walk blatantly into it. I'm worried she'll heckle me or something. What do I do if my neighbour talks to me and she's there?? I saw her in boots and she stared at me but not sure whether it was because she recognised me and wasn't sure where from or because she realised and hated me.

I know I should be more mature and rise above it. Hubby just said to be polite but some of it isn't that. A part of me is still terrified by her - embarrassed as I am to admit it

You haven’t seen her anytime before you’re unlikely to see her now.

Just be polite as pp have said. She will be feeling really more awkward than you will be.

I had the school bully apologise to me in a bar a few years ago whilst drunk for the way "she bullied and treated me". I had to explain to her that although she was awful at school and treated people horribly, that I actually hadnt been one of the people on the end of it! She was so embarrassed that she had been awful to so may girls in our school year that 20 years later she couldnt remember which girls she bullied and which girls she hadnt.

Shes still not a very nice person though.

That's a good point, I've never noticed her to in and out 'all the time' as my neighbour said. Why would I now?

We live on an incline so next doors garden is lower than ours so technically we can see right down into it. So if she looked up she would see me walking to the hot tub.

I need to be more clear. Period.

Sorry

Your OP was quite garbled, so no need to shout at people.

Just ignore the whole situation. She’s not going to be at your friends house watching you walk to the hot tub. A grown woman is not going to heckle you.

Literally continue to live your life as you have done and forget about her.

I wouldn't confront her over her past behaviour unless she actually started bullying you again (highly unlikely), but nor would I feel I had to pretend it never happened or be friendly with her. I'd probably ignore her very existence of at all possible.

If I was close enough to NDN, next time the bully came up in conversation, I might casually mention, "Oh right, Jane. You know, she used to bully me terribly in school. Not exactly a friend!" Assuming NDN doesn't already know the history.

There’s no reason why you have to be nice to her. In fact don’t be. If she greets you, a terse unsmiling nod at the very most.

If she tries to engage you, then yes - an unsmiling “Hope you’re doing better these days? You were obviously very...troubled at school.”

And if the neighbour asks why later just say, “I respect that’s she’s your friend, that’s fine, but she was a vicious bully to me at school and I have no interest in chatting with her.”

From personal experience bullies never remember how bad they were. They have selective memory.

I was bullied for years as a teen. It was mental and physical bullying. It was so bad I ended up in counselling and left school. People laugh now when I say it still affects me and I'm nearly 50!!!

The main one tried adding me as a friend on fb. She is actually giving out about bullying online in schools. She does all these meetings about bullying. I thought OK maybe she changed, grown up. I wrote her a long message and she denied it, called me a liar and told me that I had mental health issues!!

So my advice to you is. Don't hide in your house when she is round your friends. Don't go over if she's there. There is no point putting yourself through stress. When you see her you can do a nod of recognition, you don't have to say anything. If there is a day she's at your neighbours and you're there, make your excuses and leave. No matter what people say, people who were bullied never get over it and only people who were bullied understand how you're feeling.

I think in haste and anxiety of writing about it I am muddled and it's hard to understand the context of it when you can't see garden spaces etc

I'm hoping she won't mention anything passive aggressive but if she does I will just ignore her. Or just laugh OR stare her out, I'm great at that

OP I thought your post was perfectly clear, don't know why people would misunderstand.

My DD was bullied at school, she was home at Christmas and was out with old friends one night. Bully came up all friendly and tried to give DD a hug. DD ignored her and walked off. I think very often these bullies don't even realise what they did, or pretend not to remember.

She should be ashamed, you have nothing to be ashamed about.

OP, I am going to go against all that responses advocating a dignified response. Bullies are despicable and should not get away with it. Do not engage with this specimen, let it be known that you actively dislike her and if you can tell her how her nasty behaviour made you feel. People telling you otherwise have never had to put up with the torment.

I agree with Lipz that you can't assume a bully has matured and feels guilty for past wrongs. Some do, but some go right on being bullies (or otherwise awful) as adults.

You owe this woman nothing. I'd only recommend treating her cordially if you think it would empower you. Personally, I'd probably just blank her.

Yeah your post was perfectly easy to understand OP.

Ignore/be cold - if she tries to draw you in conversationally, maybe “Behaviour as cruel and vicious as yours was at school isn’t ever really forgotten.”

If she's visiting next door, then there's no reason to even speak to her. A smile over the fence if you're both out in the garden at the same time should be enough.

But you were at school then. You are both adults now and very different people to who you were then. It's understandable to be cautious, but try to pretend she's someone else now, because she probably is.

Unless she does heckle you (but why would she?) in which case you just smile sweetly and deliver a withering put down (examples above). But don't be afraid. Your confidence now is your armour.

If you haven't seen her yet, chances are you probably won't see her.

If you do see her and your friend simply remain polite. A wave and hello to your neighbour is fine, if your neighbour introduces you to her simple say 'oh hi'

You could go in for some cryptic back handed compliment but I'd not bother, it's not worth the energy. If she's ride to you, tell her to 'fuck off'

If you do come across her, look at her quizzically for a while as if trying to remember who she is and then say

'Oh I think I do remember you. Jane.....Jane. Yes. Weren't you really horrid back then? I'm sure you once spat at me, if you're the Jane I remember. Gosh, lovely to see you. Hope things have improved for you since then. How are you now?' With a tilty head and a concerned look. Like she's recovering from something nasty.

Given that most nasty bullies have/had issues, should push those buttons nicely while making you look as if a) you barely recall her and b) you regard her as defective. But in a kind, concerned, rising above it way.

OP, please don't apologise your post was very clear and easily understood. Seems that bullies are everywhere.

I think the heckle thing comes from that's what she did in school - heckle at me. Walk behind me on purpose to try and trip me up etc loads of stuff. She'll have me about my size as well, I'm a size 14/16 and she's a 10. At school I was bigger - easy target for a size 10 bully to call names...

I'm not saying a size 14/16 is big or anything though just that's something else for her to say.

I remember in a cafe once I refused to go up the counter for a drink because she was there. I was with my mum and sister and my mum knew I was scared. Whilst we were walking out the bully had a tray with food on. My mum stopped her and said "I was a police officer before I had my beautiful daughter and trust me I used to eat bitches like you got breakfast" - she nearly dropped her tray of food haha

Thankyou to those to understood my original post

Who*

Waltz out to the hot tub with a bottle of champagne! Best revenge is living well.

A girl at school was vile to me. When we I was 18 I was worried about bumping into her on nights out.

Eventually I did. Do you know what happened? She actually apologised. Hopefully, Jane has grown up since and is ashamed of her previous behaviour.

Does the neighbour know what she did to you?

Hi OP,

Great to hear that you have recovered from the bullying.

I would go with what people are saying here - be the bigger person, be nice and say hi but dont be overly friendly unless you want to be. See if she is prepared to work on the friendship.

However

if she makes a snide remark and reverts in any way to the previous behaviour be prepared to hit her with all guns blazing (while properly informing and not alienating your ndn)

No when my neighbour mentioned her name I just said oh right.
Didn't really want to elaborate on it at that time

Yes, just ignore or say nothing if you are inadvertently brought together but if she does say something snide then is the time to say something along the lines of I see that time hasn't made you grow out of your bullying ways then?