To ask what you wish you had learnt in antenatal classes

[WWYD00]

I had a thread running yesterday about my six month old son who has positional plagiocephaly (flat head syndrome). This is inspired by a comment on there of a private practice midwife who talks to expectant parents about prevention of plagiocephaly. This is something I wish I had learnt about at NCT rather than all the pregnancy bits which were pretty irrelevant seeing as I was 8 months pregnant already.

There are other things I wish I had learnt about too. I spent money on an expensive electric steraliser and it was awful. I ended up with a £10 Milton bucket which I love. Granted I may have made the same choice again, but what do you wish you'd learnt in antenatal rather than what you did (I didn't do the NHS ones so can't say whether it was covered there or not!).

Oh yeah, it's a small thing in the scheme of things but I wish I'd known you have to sign forms for a cesarean, because I was in no fit state to take in what I was signing.

Since a lot of dads are often present, I think discussion of PND, physical injuries (and the implications of those on e.g. sex) is quite important.

I found NCT really useful. Lots about choices during birth, pain relief pros/cons, how to hold a baby etc. There was one session on breastfeeding - but I didn't feel it was forced although that could be because I wanted to breastfeed.

We went to bump to baby rather than nct but same concept and cost

Good things - amazing group of friends, well informed teacher who had been a midwife for years first, she never overly pushed one way or another

Downsides - 10 out of 12 hours approximately were dedicated to birth. And the idea of choice. Predominantly vaginal birth and quite limited in discussion of risks and the scary bits. It was always assumed we would be going to MLU but that labour ward was also good if we “ended up there”.

Without scaring people there needs to be more of a “these are the shit bits of birth and new parenthood” to help you properly prepare with actual tips on how to survive them. I wonder if somehow some needs to be delivered post natal as I’m sure our instructor talked about some of these things but they didn’t really go in as I was sooo focused on birth.

I’ve learnt so much on the fly, on google and from my new mum friends that I’m so grateful for but also wonder if we are products of having lockdown babies and in “normality” much more of this support is there already?

That all that visualisation / breathing bollocks does fuck all for the pain, otherwise they would be recommending to men for after major surgery.

And how much you will bleed afterwards. No it’s nothing like a period. It’s like a horror movie .

I never went to nct just the antenatal classes arranged by my nursery which were free for all. I would have liked more emphasis on putting baby to sleep awake so they learnt to self soothe and get to sleep themselves. Recovery after a section, the pros and cons of a support belt, how to get stronger painkillers than paracetamol after having your stomach cut open, gels and creams that could help the scar appearance, how to check the scar was healing as expected. How to find our if your abdominal muscles had separated and how to go about arranging physio to help. Tips on how to recognise if a baby is not latching correctly (my dd didn't and ended up in scbu for dehydration and stayed there for 10 days). There was a lot of emphasis on breastfeeding being so natural and babies knowing how to do it, mine didn't and I didn't know how to help her! We learnt about flat head syndrome and my mil shared how to avoid it.

I used a steam steriliser and it was a god send.

I think there should be an awful lot more info on interventions, what they entail, what the risks are, how long you should be recovering, when they are likely to intervene, how long they'll let you go pushing/contracting.

I had a hideous first birth, I strongly suspect things were not done right but I can't bring myself to go to a debrief and dredge it all up.

I found NCT really useful. Lots about choices during birth, pain relief pros/cons, how to hold a baby etc.

I got all of that from my NHS classes, for free.

YY to the bleeding afterwards. I bled heavily for 6 weeks. I can't get my head around women who are up for bedroom activity after only a week. It would have looked like a scene from Carrie in my case.

I did the one nhs class on offer and found it crap, I wish I had done nct as I really wanted to make friends but its not possible with one 1 1/2 hour class. I wish they had focussed more on how to speak up - key phrases to use when you're not being listened to would have been really helpful. Some info on baby groups and postnatal mental health and how to look after stitches too would have been useful - I definitely felt like I was just a vessel in the whole process, I didn't matter at all. I am sure I had pnd afterwards, in part because of trauma from the birth but also because of being so isolated and not having the confidence to walk into baby groups where there were established friendship groups. I wish someone had been keeping an eye on me, not just checking baby's weight

I agree with everything above, the only good think I took from the NCT classes withDS1 is friends - we are currently, remotely, celebrating their 18ths!

I was asked to attend 'refresher' classes when I was pregnant again and these were much better. Since we had all already given birth and had had different experiences, we were able to discuss c-sections, forceps deliveries, problems (or not) with establishing breastfeeding etc. It was useful to have the NCT teacher there, but we ran the sessions ourselves basically.

I fed all that back to the NCT afterwards and suggested that perhaps they could invite participants who had had their babies back to talk to groups but it doesn't sound like they took that on board!

The only really useful thing ours did was a session where we looked at division of jobs in the home afterwards and whom we would trust to take care of the baby. That revealed some real differences between me and DH which was educational.

I think the classes were more helpful for him than me. I already had friends and a sister with young DC and had read up carefully.

I have found myself advising quite a few colleagues over the years how to advocate for themselves in labour. It is so important, especially if you suspect your DH or DP will be freaked out. I really benefitted from my DSis telling me this might happen. I had also seen for myself some women are left without water or painkillers and there's not a lot of food available, so I made sure I had my own.

I was the only person in the class who'd worked for the NHS though, so I was probably more cynical (realistic!)

I learnt next to nothing from the NHS ante natal classes and found it all very woolly and a bit outdated. Lots of very vague things about relationships and very little about the practical nitty gritty.

What would have been helpful:

• Anything about bottle feeding if you aren't able/ simply don't want to breastfeed
• Birth interventions and recovery
• What to expect immediately after the birth and on the wards in hospital
• What life with a newborn is actually like
• Perinatal mental health

There seemed to be a conspiracy of silence around the actual reality of it, which I find incredibly patronising. I had a very traumatic birth and recovery, and I still feel quite angry about it.

It's post birth they never dwell on.. It's all about the "miraculous event", but the real help on what to expect is needed when you are dripping blood, possibly incontinent on a valley cushion, hormonal to the point where TV ads make you cry and at a total loss as to what to do first. Swaddling, bathing, routines, burping techniques, soothing techniques.
It would be good to have more than one weapon in the arsenal.

I remember looking at my days old baby with tears running down my face, sobbing "what do you want?" as he cried and cried and cried. It was then I found out that some babies need to be left alone to go to sleep and continued input (by way of rocking/bouncing/swaying) is the worst thing you can do, but it's all I knew how to do!

I felt horribly let down that it was all about giving birth and then you are left to get on with it!

Effects of exhaustion; realities of breastfeeding. We had an unbearably upbeat breastfeeding counsellor come and tell us how easy and liberating it was; that she took her breastfeeding baby to the theatre, and ate and drank what she wanted. This was so damaging for me in the long run as I had a horrible birth, breastfed for two years but my daughter had constant tummy trouble as I ate and drank (almost) whatever I wanted, and constantly disrupted her routine to take her places because it was all so easy and liberating. Feel so guilty at her first 18 months of poor sleep and constant wind. She’s five!

That breastfeeding is hard. That you're not a useless failure if you struggle. That your struggles will be exacerbated by insufficient healthcare staff who will blame you for not meeting their breastfeeding targets.

People like @Megan2018 is exactly why I hated baby groups with a passion. “Dream team” WOW.

We were the opposite of a dream team NCT class. Six women, six EMCS, 5 bottle feeding!

I only went to NCT classes to meet people. There is so much information out there that I think with a bit of reading you can educate yourself. Make sure you are getting all your information from varied sources to get a balanced view, remember that all births and babies are completely different and you need to be flexible in your approach and most of all trust in your own instinct and gut feeling.

I wish I’d learnt anything! I only went to one class as had baby two days after at 36 weeks, the first class was all about natural birth - I had an emcs, and wasn’t prepared for any of it!
In hindsight I shouldn’t have even been at the class I should’ve been in hospital as I already had signs of pre-eclampsia that day (swollen face). I probably would go again just for the friends though - luckily the friendship worked out for me but I already knew 2 of the group so that’s probably why.

I learnt everything else from the midwives on SCBU and post natal ward (we were in for 11 days) and my mum and sister - so it turned out ok.

I found Juju Sundin's book Birth Skills really useful, particularly the chapter with positive stories of births with lots of interventions. The NCT classes had left me feeling more nervous about any sort of intervention and that book really helped to counteract the idea pushed in the classes that the only good birth is a minimum intervention birth. I credit that book with the fact that I still feel positive about my EMCS. Made some good friends from our NCT group but I would not otherwise recommend at all.

Also the weird noises babies make in their sleep. Was like sharing a room with a piglet. Might sound cute but not when you ate beyond exhausted and wired with the tiredness.
I agree with PP who said about the bleeding afterwards.
NCT feedback should really be done later,once you know what you don't know.

I don't recall getting much info in NCT classes about what could happen if you're induced, beyond the drugs they use and the likelihood of a section at the end of it.

I wasn't brought into hospital until 14 days past my due date (I know!) and it took another 4 days of drugs and people constantly shoving their hand up my vag before anything started to happen. Zero to full contractions in a v short space of time, no privacy at all because I was on a shared ward and not dilating (so not allowed a labour room), begging for pain relief, having to find something myself to throw up into from the pain, having to call DH myself in the middle of the night to come in, because the midwife had said she would and didn't.

I felt totally unprepared and alone, and embarrassed for the noise I was making and disrupting the other women on the ward. And then finally relenting to have some pethidin which NCT had basically said was evil, before I had to walk myself down to theatre in between contractions to have an emergency c section. (No porter or wheelchair available. But the pethidin was great 😃)

NCT didn't teach me that any of that might happen and how to advocate for myself in hospital. Still makes me want to cry 12 years later.

If the baby needs turning it's done with hands like some medieval procedure. I escaped because she came before they got chance to try but the very idea made me feel sick, so dunno how I'd have been come actually doing it.

I did NCT classes with DC1 and found them to be a load of hippy dippy nonsense - all about breathing through the pain, aromatherapy, the joy of home births and how everyone can breastfeed because it’s easy and natural. Run by an ex midwife.

We all had interventions of one sort or another. Nobody had a home birth. Most of us ended up bottle feeding within days / weeks of the birth. I got a t-shirt with “Give Me All The Drugs” for DC2.

We did also get a couple of NHS classes that were much more practical - how to wash and dress a baby, how to prep bottles etc. Much more useful and realistic about what to expect.

The best advice I got was from the midwives in hospital and doing the checks for the first few days at home - how to swaddle a grumpy baby, that not everyone can breastfeed and it’s really not a disaster if you’re one of them, how to spot if your baby’s getting a feeding routine. Useful stuff.

Still really pissed off at the health visitor for DC2 though - the paediatrician spotted positional plagiocephaly at the 6 week check (it was really noticeable when you knew what it was - head was like a parallelogram from above ) and when I pointed it out to the health visitor she just said “oh yes, we see quite a lot of that”. FFS, then surely you watch for it and catch it early then? Now DC2 is a teenager you’d hardly know, but we did have to go to physio at the local hospital for a few months.

@WindsorBlues 'Nobody Told Me' by Holly McNish and 'Expecting Better' by Emily Oster are awesome.

I wish they would cover how much of a clusterfuck postnatal wards are, and empower women to both be their own advocates and bring a birth partner who will advocate for them on the ward. I'd extend that to postnatal life in general. I was so lucky to have a postnatal support group in my area, which basically functioned like a trauma processing circle for 40-odd local women reeling from having our bodies ripped apart and then gas lighted into thinking we should be grateful about it.

NCT sounds like a fucking nightmare.

Someone should send this thread to them so they can learn some lessons.