To ask what you wish you had learnt in antenatal classes

[WWYD00]

I had a thread running yesterday about my six month old son who has positional plagiocephaly (flat head syndrome). This is inspired by a comment on there of a private practice midwife who talks to expectant parents about prevention of plagiocephaly. This is something I wish I had learnt about at NCT rather than all the pregnancy bits which were pretty irrelevant seeing as I was 8 months pregnant already.

There are other things I wish I had learnt about too. I spent money on an expensive electric steraliser and it was awful. I ended up with a £10 Milton bucket which I love. Granted I may have made the same choice again, but what do you wish you'd learnt in antenatal rather than what you did (I didn't do the NHS ones so can't say whether it was covered there or not!).

Mine was pretty good, but given that I think 4 out of 8 of us went in for induction I could have done with a bit more knowledge about what happens. I had no idea I'd be given a propess at 1pm and then put on a ward to be told I'd be checked at 1am! I'd given birth by 8pm anyway, but it was a struggle to be taken seriously when I was actually 4cm and dilating rapidly.

IMO the classes are far too late in pregnancy. With my first I had a very high chance of giving birth early and had to argue with the midwife to be able to attend the one in our hospital. I gave birth 3 days later. There was a huge emphasis on what happens in pregnancy (given we were all about 7-8 months pregnant it was pretty pointless). Nothing about breastfeeding other that we should all do it and it’s a lovely experience. I ended up quite distressed with DS1 cluster feeding because I didn’t know it was normal. There was also a massive push for natural delivery, with no discussion of the reality of having a section, recovery, how long it could take for milk to come in.

What giving birth would actually entail. Nct had me believing that if you were calm and did breathing exercises all would go to plan as your body would know what to do. My sons birth full of interventions and subsequent pph left me feeling like I’d failed.

I also wish they’d covered bottle feeding. It was all about breastfeeding which I just assumed I would do. I had no colostrum because of the pph and had to bottle feed my baby and had literally no clue how to safely prepare formula. Again, felt like I’d failed and that I wasn’t feeding him how I should be.

Actually if I could go back in time I wouldn’t have done nct classes. They made me feel quite inadequate and I think I’d have been happier in the newborn stage if I hadn’t done them.

we are all EBF (youngest baby 9 months) so they did a good job and we all had good births too (1 breech ELCS and the rest were gas and air short vaginal deliveries) so we are an NCT dream team grin

There were 6 women in my NCT group:

5 inductions
1 ELCS
1 EMCS
4 instrumental births
3 women describe themselves as "traumatised" by their birth experience
6 of us tried to breastfeed
3 hospitalizations (5+ days each) due to mastitis
Babies now 4-5 months old
1 ebf
2 ff
3 combi fed

We must be an NCT embarrassment.

I think one of the least helpful things was the way they talk about the role of oxytocin in labour and birth, which left several members of the group with the impression that if they were relaxed enough then everything would be straightforward, and now at least partially blame themselves for needing induction/ forceps/ episiotomy etc.

Who to get in touch with and what help might be available if you’re struggling with BFing. I found it very painful indeed (obvious latch issues) and needed assistance. I called the only number I had (hadn’t found MN at that point) and was told that someone would be in touch in four days’ time. That was at least 40 feeds away, and I was in agony. By the time they came, four days later, I was expressing and mix feeding.

Our health board offer feeding advice classes before birth. Again I didn't attend them because baby arrived early.

Maybe health boards could offer early pregnancy classes maybe at around 20 weeks or so and those could be about pregnancy and giving birth and then later in pregnancy the classes could be about looking after baby.

I don't think they had any locally fir me that were free on the NHS. They should though, shouldn't they?
Clearly the NCT classes, cost and most people don't want to pay?

Clearly they are also very very poor, and don't prepare you, and don't talk about all the things people actually want to address.

Seriously, why is this? Why hasn't this been addressed before ? about how incredibly poor they are. how do they get away with this?

It's like the thread yesterday that I was reading : that 1 in 3 births require intervention - forceps or something. I mean how do more people not know about this? why is this not talked about? It is an absolute disgrace.

I wish they’d spent time telling the women that they had a voice that mattered. Sounds stupid now, but the whole thing was focused on having a natural birth and how it would all be fine if you just trusted your body and trusted the midwives. I can’t tell you how many times that phrase was repeated and how many questions were shut down with that answer.

The reality for me was very different. There were a fair few complications which meant that things were far from straightforward. Some effects/complications were predictable to me (effects of low bp for instance) and some were completely out of the blue. I wasn’t listened to at all - even when discussing things which I were obvious to me because of my own medical history.

I was 23 when I had DC1 and I was completely ignored when I tried to speak up. This went on from the minute I arrived in the hospital to even after DC was born. I was told at least twice (that I can remember) that I was a young mum and should leave the decisions to the professionals.

Even when DC was finally born, after a very long, drawn out, complicated Labour, and I was physically spent, I asked the doctor who delivered whether it was a boy or a girl. I was told I needed to lift my head to see for myself. I had spent the last hour telling her that I couldn’t lift my head due to severe back pain (old injury combined with enforced lying on my back combined with an epidural which didn’t work combined with severe dehydration due to repeated vomiting for 36hrs pre-birth etc etc) She refused to tell me whether I had a son or a daughter until eventually DH walked over (to the baby which had already had the cord cut because she was happy to do that for us, but not tell us the sex), looked and told me. That was just one of many, many examples I could give.

I really wish my antenatal classes had spent more time empowering the mums instead of shutting them down.

I also wish there had been more information on the recovery period both of natural birth and c-sections. It wasn’t touched on at all in my classes.

My recovery after DC1 was horrific - I was swollen and in pain from the traumatic birth and second degree tear for 5 weeks afterwards. No-one warned me about that. DC2 was an entirely different birth - very quick, (almost too quick as she crowned in the carpark), very easy and simple recovery - except for the after pains which were worse than the labour pains. I hadn’t had any with DC1 so was totally unprepared.

DTs were an emcs and I had no clue what was going on afterwards. Even things like knowing the area around the incision would be numb for some time (possibly forever) afterwards would have been good to know - I had no idea and was totally freaked out.

How frequently midwives expect you to be breastfeeding - I had just somehow missed the expectation you wake the baby every 3 hours for a feed. I fed on demand but this was not good enough. In the end I EBF until I weaned and continued to breastfeed beyond 1 year, but I was under a lot of pressure in the early days to give formula, despite good nappy output, because I had a sleepy baby.

How to try to avoid stomach separation and how to check for it after birth.

I wish we'd been told about how Motherhood can turn some women into competitive smug people who love to tell you how wonderful they and their baby are and now fantastic they are at being a parent (looking at you @Megan2018 ). We should be told to ignore them and take whatever they say with a pinch of salt.

I didn't go to any classes so interested to see what is covered.

I wasn't up for this sort of competitive bullshit with mums I don't know:

"we are all EBF (youngest baby 9 months) so they did a good job and we all had good births too (1 breech ELCS and the rest were gas and air short vaginal deliveries) so we are an NCT dream team"

How to actually look after a baby and breastfeed. So much on the birth then the hideous (for me!) aftermath barely mentioned.

@Piglet89

The factors that mean that elective caesarean might be a really smart choice.

Totally agree. A bit more honesty about the risks of vaginal birth would have been very welcome.

I wish they had told me how to make up a formula bottle instead of pummeling me with breast feeding information and nothing else (considering all bar one of us ended up formula feeding eventually for whatever reason). I wish they spoke more about post natal depression. I dont remember it being mentioned. I wish they told us how to look after c section wounds and stitches. I wish they talked more about instrumental births instead of spending 99% of the time talking about birthing balls and pools. I wish they had spoken about what to do if you were worried about your babies health int he first few weeks other than 'here is a breastfeeding support line number'.

Honestly I found NCT utterly useless bar the amazing friends I got out of it. It was all about this dream birth, of which 1 out of 7 of us had, and very little about what to do or expect when you actually have a baby.

Oh god yes the whole “just trust your body” thing. My body lets me down all the time! I have several long term conditions, and my body certainly doesn’t do what I want so why on earth would I trust it when I’m giving birth? And as it happens with both births my body didn’t seem to have a clue what it was meant to do anyway

Im due early January and am finding this thread very helpful. Did any of you find any books helpful?

Some basic information on cloth nappies would've been helpful - it's not a thing that's normalised at all and disposables are causing a huge environmental and human health problem. I only started using them at 19 months and really regret not doing it much sooner for lots of reasons!

Also paediatric first aid wasnt covered at all. Luckily I went to a separate paediatric first aid class but I imagine many women don't for whatever reason and having a quick 10 min session devoted to the subject in antenatal classes would probably make it much more accessible.

@WindsorBlues I had What to Expect When You're Expecting. It is massive but I went section by section. I really liked it.

@WindsorBlues 'Why Mummy Drinks' 😉

I didn't attend antenatal classes but I wish someone had told me about bloody after pains. The pains when your womb is trying to shrink back to its 'normal size'. I have 4 children in total with one more on the way. And oh boy, do they get worse the more children you have. My 4th baby, the after pains were so bad at one point I actually was asking for gas and air. Looking back, the midwife was probably like ,seriously. But at some points I couldn't bear it and was doubled over in pain. And they are even worse when you breastfeed!!!!!

I did NCT and feel really cross with the content. I asked to cover more about what can go wrong, having known friends who needed blood transfusions etc. She looked at me like I was spoiling it for everyone and it wasn't properly covered. The majority of us had emergency cesareans or awful births so thanks for all that perfect birth plan crap! Luckily I never bought into it.
I wish I had known that you have to have injections for days after a cesarean, and may be doing them yourself at home. I wish I'd known I would have a catheter and inflating things round my legs for blood clots. And that I would be covered in bruising from being pumelled to get her out. For society in general I wish it was acknowledged what a massive operation it is - when I had my appendix out I had days in bed recovering, that's a far less serious operation. I know you can't stay on bed with a newborn but everyone acts like you should just crack on.
I wish I'd known about the cesarean overhang of flesh, that it can still itch and hurt for ages afterwards and that you can't drive for weeks.
I wish I'd known more about electric pumps and help when breast feeding doesn't work. My DD was early and small and my nipples are inverted. NCT said the nipples would be pulled out by baby and not to worry. Well, not by a titchy baby licking away like a kitten they won't,and my body wasn't ready to fed either. I'm in no way anti-formula milk and we would have been lost without that option, but I do wonder if I could have breast fed if I had known there might be something electronic and powerful to help express and get me started because I would have asked the hospital if they had that machinery. As it was I ended up covered in bruises trying to express every few hours when really the odds were against me.

I had trouble breastfeeding and felt hugely guilty when I stopped and it lasted an awfully long time. I had hideous mastitis. They never covered what happens when you get it, the symptoms etc. I felt like I had flu. I was crying in agony and the midwife told me to feed through the pain as did the helpline. In the end my mum intervened because I was so ill and I saw my GP who ended up giving me strong antibiotics for two weeks. I wish I'd known to look out for it because I feel it could have been prevented.

I also had an assisted birth in theatre. I didn't know you only get so long to push for before the doctor calls the shots of getting you into theatre. The hospital actually treated me really well and I was so well informed by them I was ok with it. I just didn't know it happened. I was pushing for about 1.5 hours when the registrar told me she wants me in theatre for forceps and if that didn't work c-section. He was delivered via forceps. I still can't look at them now and I wonder if it has a part to play in the plagiocephaly.

I don't think they had any locally fir me that were free on the NHS. They should though, shouldn't they?

NHS cuts? I didn’t know that NHS ante natal classes were no longer available. DD was born nearly 20 years ago, and the NHS classes I had were excellent When I was in labour there was nothing that surprised me and nothing I didn’t understand about the process. There wasn’t an NCT group near me, but I did enquire, and was horrified at the cost, so I did the NHS classes.

As I stated in my previous post I wish they had spoken more about how difficult it was to establish breastfeeding. I had a tough time with that and nearly gave up on many occasions. Once we had both cracked it, breastfeeding was far easier and more convenient than bottle feeding, but it was a difficult journey, and I can see why many women give up.

I think they should also tell mothers not to bother with birth plans. I feel that they only make labour more stressful when things don’t go to plan. My birth plan was in my head. It went like this: TENS, pethidine if I need it, epidural if I need it. That was it. Things like the dad cutting the cord weren’t a “thing” when DD was born. I only know of this from being on here.

My sister did NCT and has made some lifelong friends form the classes, but other than that I have never heard any positive comments about the classes.

@sunlightflower @Megan2018

"Our group is really close and we are all EBF (youngest baby 9 months) so they did a good job and we all had good births too (1 breech ELCS and the rest were gas and air short vaginal deliveries) so we are an NCT dream team

Congratulations, your medals are in the post hmm"

So a group of women are in a great position in that the majority had good birth experiences and you choose to be sarcastic? - wow!

She's stating a fact - her group had it easy. Yes that would make for ideal outcomes for a NCT or NHS or hypnobirthing group and what's wrong with that?

And therein lies the problem with women and birth, women ready to compete, dismiss those who had a good experience, see a rough birth as a badge of honour. What happened to women supporting each other irrespective of their mode of delivery - positive, negative, vaginal, CS, induction etc?

No need to be nasty.