AIBU to ask for your experiences : indifferent to having kids?

[OctoberCupcake]

Are there any parents here who were, before having kids, indifferent to the idea of them?

I’ve never been sure one way or the other. I’ve been in relationships where I could see it happening (as is the case now), but at other times I’ve been quite happy with the idea of never having them. I neither desperately want them, nor am I firmly against it. My partner feels much the same.

I’m now at an age where time is no longer on my side, but I don’t know where we start making this kind of lifelong, life changing decision from a place of indifference.

I do like the idea of ‘a family’ that as an only child to a single parent I feel like I missed out on to a degree, but I also have a nagging worry that we could hate the radical change to our comfortable easy lives and regret it!

Did anyone here feel the same before you had kids? What made you have them, and how do you feel now? Thanks in advance x

I wouldn’t say we were indifferent to having kids before we had our DS but certainly didn’t feel our lives would be incomplete if we didn’t - and I still feel that.

We decided to try in our mid thirties - we had established our careers, travelled, bought our house etc. If it hadn’t of happened I don’t think we would have gone down the IVF route and I firmly believe we would have had happy and fulfilled - and yes easier -lives. Our son (now 5) is amazing and I’m so glad we had him. However parenting small children is exhausting and relentless as well as happy and rewarding. It isn’t something you can be indifferent to once they are here as they demand all your time and energy!

Me absolutely - I always imagined I would have kids 'in the future' but never 'now'. It was my DP that pushed the issue and at 33 I pretty much got pregnant first go.

Love my DD, but have never had any desire to do it again and regret not doing more travel etc. before it became ruled out. My best friends are childless (although not all through choice - which makes me feel lucky and guilty) and our lives are very different now.

If I hadn't got pregnant I think I'd remain curious as to what our child would have been like, but not gutted (although can't say the same for DP).

@OctoberCupcake

Thanks again for all the replies, I'm honestly grateful for every shared experience and you've given me a lot to consider.

I think that if we did decide to take the plunge it would be similar to Melamine; let nature take it's course and if it doesn't, then it doesn't and we carry on with a perfectly happy life. I've seen friends go through round after round of IVF and I know that that's not a route for me.

That’s exactly how I felt, after almost 3 years trying we had our preliminary appointments for fertility issues, we both had some tests and a consultant appointment came through. I had a discussion with my husband and basically said I was willing to do one round of IVF if it came to that but I didn’t want to waste years of our marriage/relative youth on something that might never happen, we both agreed. I found out I was pregnant 3 days later.

I had 2 very young, now 14 and 16 so in a very different position to you, however, my husband and I (not biological father to mine) have been discussing it lots.
Plan was to come off coil but due to lockdown I can't get it removed.
Yesterday we discussed it and he said he's not bothered either way...and I realised I am bothered.
No idea if it's hormones, do I really want to go through it all again?? We are almost at the stage we could have weekends away. Do I really want my entire adult experience to be with children?
I have no answers but a terrifying feeling of time running out

DH was indifferent. He did it for me. We had fertility problems and needed ivf and he agreed 3 goes only (the issues were all mine so I think he felt obligated to let me try and fix them).

We have twins conceived in round three. We had 3 embryos and the clinic asked how many to put back. He said it was up to me but he wasn't prepared to do it again. I said 2 and we donated the third to research as he (rightly) needed a hard stop.

He is a great if strict dad. He adores his kids and is actually the sahp. But he could have been happy without them. I could have been happy without them if I had to be but I had to try everything. He never felt like that and would have stopped before ivf if it wasn't for how much he loved me and saw I needed to try. It was selfish of me but his view was my need was stronger than his indifference.

Hello OP I’m typing one-handed with my five month old son on my knee. I’m 41 years old and he is the result of four years of painful fertility efforts and worth every moment. I was very ambivalent right up to my mid 30s. I met my partner in my early 30s and he let me know that he had challenges with fertility from the off. This didn’t put me off because I wasn’t sure that I wanted children. But eventually the idea of the joint project of a child raising a childWith him started to become more and more appealing and by that point I was 37 and on top of his challenges we had to contend with mine. I will say that I’m glad I became a parent at this stage in life I have financial stability - almost financial independence- I run my own company, we have our own home and it’s mortgage free and my husband is available to be a very hands-on dad with me. I definitely would not have wanted a child as a single parent having watched my mother struggle. I would not have wanted a child without a strong financial foundation knowing the strain that that puts on people and I would not have wanted a child before I had accomplishedMany of my own personal goals. I do find it fascinating how he changes and grows and learns and I’m really curious to see who he becomes as an adult. He has made our lives feel deeply Fulfilled eand we’ve been happy to surrender the travel adventures sleep and freedom that were possible for us before in exchange for a family life! Hope that helps.

@Molocosh I think yours is an extremely honest post. I really wish that all the people telling childless/free women "It's different when it's yours" and the like would realise that is absolutely not a given!

OP, imo being a good parent is bloody hard work, and therefore not something to do with less than 100% enthusiasm. I just see my friends and the amount of effort they go to in order to be good parents, and know that for me it would be such a slog. It might be worth it, but it might not and I'd rather keep the happy fulfilled life I already have than gamble it on something that only might be better.

I am indifferent more never wanting really.
The only thing I have thought is "well life will be a bit unchanging, life at 40 will be sane as 50 or 60. Just older.
But then I packed job in and went back to university to study something new. Can travel next year to say Australia for a few months.
So whilst life may be boring, it's only my fault. If I don't take advantage of things I can do.

Thanks for starting this thread OP. I'm 34, and much like you.

Last year we got pregnant and lost the shay and I felt a little sad but nothing compared to how most women feel after losing a baby and I've always been on the fence.

It worries me thinking I'm probably not cut out for this if I didn't care much to lose the baby? I felt sad for the half hour after the news was delivered and after that pretty much carried on with life.

Despite this, we are going to try again. Maybe the wrong decision but I honestly think you'll never know until it happens. I know people that were so desperate for kids and after hated it.

I also know plenty that thought they'd hate it and love it so that tells me you never know which camp you'll be in until lit happens.

The posters saying don't do it unless 100% I think are inaccurate.

I was indifferent, maybe curious.

I never needed to choose, as i was never in a relationship where having children was an option.

Now (in my fifties) I'm relieved

I would find one child far easier than two, and therefore be happier, as I said if I’d known I may have stopped at one (although wouldn’t be able to pick between them). Two kids with additional needs and the interplay between the two (meeting different needs and refereeing the endless fighting) add way more than just a doubling or the workload. I know a few people who had one child and often the child is more mature and I tune with the parents.

Although the worst thing is the underlying anxiety about their safety. The horror at the idea of anything happening to them.

I always knew I wanted children, from being a child. I dreamed of other things too: career as a journalist, extensive travel (neither happened) but always knew deep down I wanted to be a mum. No logical reason, no weighing up of the pros and cons. And had I not been able to have kids, I would have gone to great lengths to have them, whatever my situation.

As it is, I have ended up with two. If I was to look logically at my life, I wouldn't say that having kids would necessarily have been the "right" thing to do. My life could have had many more "positives" had I not had them. There could certainly be more pros than cons if you made a list. But I would never have been without them, love them to death and couldn't imagine existing without them.

I suppose my point is that sometimes having kids is very a decision of the heart not the head. It can even be a very selfish one if you weigh up what you may be taking from society rather than giving (eg benefits).

Thanks everyone for your honesty. I've been thinking back over times when I've been for and against and why, and am starting to realise that part of my reluctance is probably down to spending almost 4 years of my early 30s single and rather than panicking about the clock ticking I just convinced myself (and everyone that was making pitying faces) that it was fine because I didn't really want kids anyway. Now that I'm in a stable relationship with someone amazing, it feels a bit different.

Not something to be gone into unless you're sure IMO.

I disagree. I think that the unsure are more likely to have thought about the negatives, and to have a less rosy idea of parenthood, and I see no correlation between pre-children enthusiasm/certainty and decent parenting.

I have a friend who was the last person I imagined as a mum. She herself always said she couldn't imagine herself as a mum and never felt broody. She loved other people kids but was very indifferent herself. [...] she is the best mum possible. Very attached to her child, breastfed for many months, wouldn't leave her for ages, her world evolving around her child.

But you describe only one way pf being a mother. I was indifferent, had a child at 39, didn't breastfeed, went back to work early and loathed the small baby stage, and I don't feel that having your world revolve around your child is a necessarily a good idea. But I'm a decent parent, with an eight year old I adore.

I wasn't bothered by having children when I married, but my DH was keen. I put it off for a few years then got pregnant on a whim because I hated my job at the time - a terrible reason, I know.

Anyway, DH & I are still together after 30 years, now with grown up children, so it all worked out for the best. I think if the relationship is strong, it will all be fine. If it is weak, children will expose the cracks.

Hi OP, I could have written your post. I'm 34, DH 39, been happily married 10 years. I've never in my life felt broody, unless you count puppies and kittens. I've been on the no side of the fence for most of my life. But I realise that I have a tendency to focus exclusively on the negatives. And they are fucking persuasive. Bu if I look at the best case scenario (and looking at my family, there's no reason why that shouldn't happen) then that is a completely different prospect. It feels like a massive gamble tbh but we very recently decided to stop contraception. I am not 100% confident in my decision. At all. I did a MN Poll a little while ago asking what proportion of mnetters regretted having kids. Only 15% regretted it. People wouldn't have kids if i was shit more often than not. Self-centredness is a major hate of mine and kids often make me cringe hard with theirs.

I wasn't indifferent, I was pretty much against having kids, but was terrified of regretting it too, and my DH really wanted to be a dad. I think I ultimately bowed to societal pressures.

Ended up having DD when I was 36. She's 10 now and most of it hasn't been as horrendous as I imagined it could be, but I do think I've been fortunate with a pretty easy going child. However, as much as I love her, most of the time I don't love being a parent. The things I always thought looked tedious are just as tedious as I imagined. I miss lots of things from my childfree life, and my marriage has suffered. I often think I've just found parenting underwhelming. I read some of the threads on here about how other people have found it the most amazing experience of their lives and wonder where I went wrong.

Everyone always told me about the overwhelming love, which I have, but it doesn't make up for the loss of my old life. I don't have an awful life, but I should have trusted my instinct. I'm hopeful that when she's an adult I'll feel differently.

And posts like that ^^ make me reconsider again.

It surprises me just how many of my friends have said that, although they love their children and wouldn't be without them now, they wish they had made a different decision. I think that a lot of people have kids because it's "the next step" or because they've been told all their lives that kids are essential to a full life, or it's just assumed that you will have them.

I think also it feels riskier somehow to decide not to have them - if you have them and secretly wish you didn't, you have at least done what society told you. If you choose not to have kids and then regret that, you have struck out on your own and made yourself miserable because you were willful and selfish. It takes extra nerve to stick to your decision, so I think a lot of people have kids because they're scared of regret, not because they particularly want them.

Yes, the But what if you regret it?!!! vibe is very present. But the truth of it is, that regret is just another human emotion that you can deal with and frankly, get over...Regret is a life ruining emotion is all i'm saying.

isn't

Yes - there is not enough time in a human life to do everything you want, so some regrets/roads not taken/ other avenues of happiness that you missed are inevitable.

Children is seen as a huge one, because a) some people simply cannot imagine having a happy life without children, and b) for millennia, it has been seen as the purpose of women to reproduce. Going against the certainty of everyone around you is tough.

I have never wanted children, and it is amazing how many people throughout my life have got quite het up about that. Mostly that flat out insist I will change my mind, assure me how much they want/love their children (glad to hear it) and even say "but you'd be a great parent!" as if that would somehow make it my duty (I'd probably be an excellent llama farmer, or taxidermist, but no one keeps trying to pressure me into that).

I was indifferent to the idea until my mid 30s. My ex was always more keen than I was. Once I had had DD I adored her and can’t imagine life without her but I think I could have been totally at peace with not having kids and would not really have grieved the lack of them.

For those who are saying if you’re indifferent you should remain child-free: I think you’re missing the fact that people love their own kids, not necessarily kids generically. The fact that you like kids in general or that you are desperate to have them doesn’t automatically mean you will be a better parent.

When I was younger (up to about my late 20s) I found kids boring, and parents of young kids even more boring. I never really got “broody” or wanted to “practice”. I have my shortcomings as a parent to be sure but I don’t think I am a poorer parent for not having known I wanted kids from year dot. My relationship as a parent is with my child and it’s a totally individual relationship. I don’t think I would love her more or in a more committed fashion for having been totally focused on having kids.

Basically don’t prejudge how you will respond to being a parent or not based on your current feelings as they are not a reliable guide.

Sorry if that doesn’t really help.

Yes, the But what if you regret it?!!! vibe is very present. But the truth of it is, that regret is just another human emotion that you can deal with and frankly, get over...Regret isn’t a life ruining emotion is all i'm saying.

Absolutely this.

(Also, another thing I would say is that people often picture their future children as being able bodied, neuro typical, no chronic health issues, etc. They frequently throw in clever, kind and sporty as well. This is not guaranteed.)