AIBU to ask for your experiences : indifferent to having kids?

[OctoberCupcake]

Are there any parents here who were, before having kids, indifferent to the idea of them?

I’ve never been sure one way or the other. I’ve been in relationships where I could see it happening (as is the case now), but at other times I’ve been quite happy with the idea of never having them. I neither desperately want them, nor am I firmly against it. My partner feels much the same.

I’m now at an age where time is no longer on my side, but I don’t know where we start making this kind of lifelong, life changing decision from a place of indifference.

I do like the idea of ‘a family’ that as an only child to a single parent I feel like I missed out on to a degree, but I also have a nagging worry that we could hate the radical change to our comfortable easy lives and regret it!

Did anyone here feel the same before you had kids? What made you have them, and how do you feel now? Thanks in advance x

Thanks again for all the replies, I'm honestly grateful for every shared experience and you've given me a lot to consider.

I think that if we did decide to take the plunge it would be similar to Melamine; let nature take it's course and if it doesn't, then it doesn't and we carry on with a perfectly happy life. I've seen friends go through round after round of IVF and I know that that's not a route for me.

I wanted children, but it only just tipped that way. Almost made a list of pros and cons but it was the fear of missing out that made me decide to. DH was absolutely indifferent. He would have been happy without them, but from seeing friends knew he'd love them if he had them.

They are now 5 and 8 and I am very glad I have them. However, for perhaps the first 5 or so years, if I had been given the choice to go back, I would have made the decision not to have them. I found it so hard, I hadn't appreciated the restrictions on my freedoms (and I had loads of friends with DC), the physical consequences, the restrictions on my career etc.

I have many friends who have chosen to be childfree and they have no regrets.

My gut instinct is that unless you know you want them, you are probably better off not having them.

Completely indifferent, DH convinced me. Luckily I got the world's best child. At 9 she's fabulous.

And travelling? DD and I have already had our first solo trip without DH and I plan to make her my travelling companion for years to come (when we actually can).

DH and I said if it didn't happen then it didn't happen but what we would have actually felt if it didn't we will never know. Maybe our lives wouldn't have continued happily because of it?

We were so, so lucky to conceive virtually straight away both times and have 2 straightforward pregnancies and births.

At your age I would expect you to know whether you want them or not. If you are still unsure you need to ask yourself why - is it because you definitely don’t want them and feel like you need to have them; or is it because you do but are anxious for some reason?

If you do want kids you need to ttc now for a decent chance at IVF. It’s not always a case of it being unsuccessful at older ages. I got pregnant after my second induction at 38 and had my baby at 39 and I was one of the younger women at my clinic.

I was indifferent. My previous boyfriend did not want kids and I was fine with that. But dh wanted and since I was getting on, I did not feel I could deny him and started trying pretty soon after getting married.

I was very much of the 'if it happens, it happens but if it does not, I'd be fine too'. Unfortunately mother nature does not work that way. I did not fall pregnant right away and every month my period came my heart sank a little more. By the time I got pregnant after 7 tries, I was begging to get pregnant.

I now have 2. They were both horrendously difficult babies but now lovely teenagers. Dh and I will not be able to retire early, lived like church mice when the dc were little but now we are comfortable financially.

I feel our lives with dc are more difficult but more enriched and interesting IMO. Every year is different. Things are much less in our control but that is a good life lesson.

Yes I was indifferent. In fact when I thought about having children I could only ever see the negatives eg lack of sleep, less freedom, less holidays, negative relationship impacts. I took the plunge in the end because my dh was keen. I got pregnant straight away and was surprised how quickly I came around to the idea. Sadly I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. I was floored by how sad I was. I realised I did want a baby (badly!). Despite having another miscarriage after the first, I went on to have my ds and I was again surprised by how much I enjoyed being a mum.

I'm not a kids person but with him it's different. Also in a way, it helped that I'd always only anticipated the bad side of parenthood because I ended up pleasantly surprised that there were some pretty amazing positives that I hadn't even considered.

The problem with different experiences is that you don’t know what your child will be like. If you get a calm baby who turns into a smart, confident kid with no special needs it is probably fairly enjoyable and it makes up for the drudgery. You can still go out and travel, go enjoy the world as a family.

If you end up with a child who is highly strung, screams, clingy and doesn’t sleep well it’s like torture. The few lovely moments don’t make up for it. Then special needs lead to them struggling at school and not wanting to go out and do things you enjoy too. Holidays are a nightmare as they don’t sleep and throw tantrums and it’s over a decade of this, not just the toddler years.

As we’ve ended up in scenario number two I don’t think I would do it again given the choice, or I’d stick with one. The loss of freedom is much harder when you need to get a break more. We had very little support and the additional needs aren’t even that terrible. It was also unplanned and younger than ideal so not financially as strong as we’d have liked. If I had scenario one I’d probably be pretty happy with my choice, although it’s still a huge adjustment.

My friend wasn't sure either. Everyone kept telling her that she would love her baby once it arrived and then would joke she could still travel when the kid grew up and left home. Her child was born with additional needs that mean he will never be independent. She told me once that having him was the biggest regret of her life.

Someone else I know had a child while indifferent and she is very happy and has had two more. She even quit her job to be a full time mum, which I never would have predicted.

Another person I know was desperate to have children, couldn't wait. She hates being a parent. She hadn't realised beforehand how she hates being touched too much and how she needs quiet time to cope with her stressful job. She told me she sometimes makes up excuses to stay late to avoid going home. Her husband wants a second but she has said no and they are in relationship counselling. She thinks they will divorce and is hoping her husband wants full custody.

It is very difficult to know as out of the three I was expecting the third to love being a mother but seeing her with her son, her smile never reaches her eyes and I have seen her flinch when he tries to hug her.

@ShastaBeast

The problem with different experiences is that you don’t know what your child will be like. If you get a calm baby who turns into a smart, confident kid with no special needs it is probably fairly enjoyable and it makes up for the drudgery. You can still go out and travel, go enjoy the world as a family.

If you end up with a child who is highly strung, screams, clingy and doesn’t sleep well it’s like torture. The few lovely moments don’t make up for it. Then special needs lead to them struggling at school and not wanting to go out and do things you enjoy too. Holidays are a nightmare as they don’t sleep and throw tantrums and it’s over a decade of this, not just the toddler years.

As we’ve ended up in scenario number two I don’t think I would do it again given the choice, or I’d stick with one. The loss of freedom is much harder when you need to get a break more. We had very little support and the additional needs aren’t even that terrible. It was also unplanned and younger than ideal so not financially as strong as we’d have liked. If I had scenario one I’d probably be pretty happy with my choice, although it’s still a huge adjustment.

I got a non-sleeping DD with moderately severe ADHD who didn't sleep for more than two hours for two years.

I still wouldn't change it. At the time... but now I'm very glad.

OP - I think I'm quite similar to you. Mid-thirties and really need to make a decision. I'm more inclined to think that it wouldn't be the right decision for me, but reading stories from people who never wanted kids and then had them and it was the best thing ever do make me worry that I would regret not taking the plunge.

Yes.

We now have 9 month old baby and it’s the best thing we ever did.

I never wanted children nor did DH, we met when we were 35 and 40, when I turned 40 I had a sudden panic that I wanted a family and fortunately DD arrived swiftly.

I still have zero interest in other people’s kids. But adore mine and wish we could’ve had more!

There are so many factors and I think what @BarbedBloom and @CheshireSplat have said is spot on.

For me, I think some of the negatives could be made better if we had family support nearby so we could get a break and some time for our relationship (date nights etc). I know we can get a babysitter etc, but you need one you can trust and also it's quite expensive to go out if you have to pay a babysitter as it basically doubles the cost of going out. So how much money you have spare for date nights and weekends away might be a factor too. I hadnt realized how much I need my "me" time and time for me and just my husband. It's also had a pretty disastrous impact on my career but I wasn't really in a good place with that either despite being 34 when I fell pregnant.

Yeah I'm the same too op, I'm 34, been married for a year. I don't know if I want children, don't like children generally. I don't know if I want to change our lifestyle. Dh and I like weekends away, restaurants, bars, drinking, it's a big sacrifice. He's not sure he wants them either.

I was actually hostile to the idea with swerves into indifference. Honestly, I think we ttc in the end (at 39) because I’d just finished a huge work project and wanted something new in one of our ‘indifferent’ phases. We weren’t that bothered, and were fine with it not happening. Conceived first month to our shock. He’s now eight and brilliant, but I recognise it was a gamble.

What I’m sure of are two things — (1) we’d have had an equally good life, just a differently rich one, if we had not had a child and (2) being really into the idea of having children vs indifference has no effect on what type of parent you become when/if you actually do it.

I'll set you a multiple choice question. Have you found lockdown:

a) all right for the most part, and what else could we have done?
b) an unbelievable nightmare and a possibly illegal infringement on our liberty as individuals
c) surprisingly enjoyable for its slower pace of life, less pressure to see friends etc
d) the right thing to do but you've been struggling with an exacerbation of a pre-existing mental health problem
e) OK to begin with, you got into the spirit, but now you're bored and begging for it to end.

If it's a, c or e then go ahead, you should have children. (If it's e, you could always consider boarding school. And watch out for the tedium of late pregnancy by not starting your maternity leave too early.)

If it's b or d, then I would wait to see if some internal biological clock gets going. But if it doesn't, then I would incline towards no, unless you're able to afford a lot of childcare (b, though repeated lockdowns might screw this one up). If it's e, don't think about it unless you have a very good plan in place, possibly with different medication etc, for maintaining your mental health during pregnancy and the postnatal period.

I have a friend who was the last person I imagined as a mum. She herself always said she couldn't imagine herself as a mum and never felt broody. She loved other people kids but was very indifferent herself.

Than at 38, she started to wonder if it was the time,came off the pill was pregnant the next month. I was worried about her, especially as she had a very difficult pregnancy, but she is the best mum possible. Very attached to her child, breastfed for many months, wouldn't leave her for ages, her world evolving around her child.

I was really surprised how she took it all on naturally much better than me who'd always kids and had them much younger.

There's a big difference between indifferent and not wanting DC/being indifferent then changing your mind.

I'm in the latter camp. We had DS when I was 34 after being happily child-free for 14 years because we changed our minds. We stuck at 1 though.

Having children isn't compulsory. It changes your life and relationship massively. Not something to be gone into unless you're sure IMO.

I was indifferent for a long time, with DH since 16 and started thinking about children late 20s, he was surprised and said He didn't think I had wanted any. I made the decision I did before coming off contraception. Now pregnant with no2. Yes the spontaneity is gone but if you financially are doing well and have family that will take an active role you can still have all the thing you want (dinner, date night, weekends away). They just have to be planned and more of an effort I suppose. We weren't party animals before hand tbh. when DS was 6 monthsMIL looked after him while we went on a long weekend abroad and i suppose with parenting being monotonous and hard you appreciate the treats more

@hopsalong It’s very firmly C. I appreciate that I’m one of the very lucky ones that have loved it.

The one thing you can be sure of if you have a child, is that pretty much everything about your life will change all at once and never be the same again.

Three years ago I could have written your post OP.

Now, I could have written the post by OoohTheStatsDontLie. And many others who have echoed the "it's ok, but think I would have been happy without".

It's such a hard decision and without a crystal ball you can't tell for sure which is the right answer. Even after you've made a choice, you probably still won't know for sure whether it was the "right" one as you don't know what you're life would have been like.

The posts about not knowing what your child will be like are true, but it's reassuring to hear from one poster that she still finds her SEN LO rewarding.

Mine is now 3. He's bright and funny and I love watching him engaging with the world. He's also the most selfish, self-centered person in the world - because he's a child. That doesn't change for a while...

I found the first 12 to 18 months boring. But it improved after that because he became more engaging. And I think it will continue to improve as he grows up.

So if I could turn back time, would I do it again? I honestly don't know.

My husband and I both work full time and I'm really passionate about my career. But trying to balance parenthood and full time (high flying) career is hard.

The only thing which has come up recently and given me pause for thought is that I've recently been suspended from work following some (false) allegations. After climbing the walls for 6 weeks, they've finally finished the investigation and concluded that there is no evidence (though it's yet to be formally confirmed).

The last 6 weeks have been really hard. I've sacrificed a lot for my job over the years (for example working 50-60 hour weeks over the last 2 years (but no paid overtime), going back to work 5 weeks after I gave birth.... To name a couple). This investigation has made me pause and question what I should be valuing in life. I've realised that, despite their "words", they don't care about me. And I am now just questioning how I've been prioritising.

The old adage "on your death bed, you won't regret the hours you didn't spend in the office" is true.

Sorry. Bit of a ramble....

I think what I was trying to say is work out what you think you're values in life are and how you gain personal validation. And then make sure you're happy with that.

Not that I'm saying you should seek validation from children - I don't think that would be healthy.

More, if you get validation from exotic holidays, then maybe children aren't a good choice.

My husband and I decided to have children in the end because I felt that to decide to not have children and then regret it would be worse than having children and then regretting it (though interestingly he felt the opposite).

Do I regret it? No. But I do look back at the life I used to have (disposable income, disposable time, holidays, lie ins....) and there is a tinge of mourning for what I no longer have...
Though at least when he gets a bit older we'll get some of those things back.

I should also say that we're really lucky with our support. My mum is more than happy to take him for weekends (at least pre-COVID) so we get a break when we need. Without that, I think I'd have more regret.

I hope my ramblings help. It's a personal decision that only you can make because only you know your life and values.

Good luck making your decision. Whichever way you choose, I doubt you'll regret it ☺️

Damn it!
*your, not you're

Stupid autocorrect

I always felt being an auntie was more than enough. All the fun stuff, none of the responsibility. Plus I have a pretty severe phobia of needles and all things medical. So when I met my fella in my early 30s we talked about it and we're both quite happy to stay child free.

Fast forward till two and a half years ago-ish (I was not far off 38) and I guess something in me changed. I didn't desperately want a baby, but it was more about regretting something if we didn't give it a chance. I love kids and I'd seen my fella with his niece and something was just niggling me. So after lots of research (to help deal with my issues) and discussions we decided to let nature take its course and stopped contraception. So if it happened great, if it didn't no big deal.

5 months later I was pregnant and the day I took the test something just...clicked for both of us. We suddenly realised just how important it was to both of us to have a baby. Sadly a few weeks later we found out I was having a missed miscarriage at a private scan. It was awful.

5 months after that, after I'd physically recovered and we started actively trying I fell again, only for the same thing to happen. We were devastated. By this time I'd turned 39, so time was against us.

Then we struggled to conceive so we ended up having fertility checks, and were fast tracked onto the IVF pathway (something I never dreamed I'd want or be able to handle but the need for a baby was so huge-all consuming). We'd just been put on the list for treatment when I discovered I was pregnant again-2 months before I turned 40. Thankfully that little one stuck and I'm now lying in bed feeding my 5 month old.

I'm so so glad it happened for us, I love being a mom, and my fella adores his son, although he has found the newborn time and helping me post c-section stressful. I'd have another in a heartbeat but my head says at my age to be grateful for what i have and to not push my luck.

Best thing We ever did, despite all the pain and heartbreak of losing our first two little ones.

I could take or leave kids I general. I had two, wasn't bothered in pregnancy either time. When they arrive they're amazing though, dicks sometimes, but amazing nonetheless. It's not a better life than without kids, just different, but it can be very good.