Still upset about my postpartum care(or lack thereof)

[iashcroft]

I gave birth to my son 4 months ago, I was induced and in labour for 14 hours which ended in an emergency c-section. I admittedly had all these plans of how I wanted my birth to go, despite telling everyone I had no plan and I would just go with the flow.
My c-section was more of a preemptive strike than anything else, babys heart rate was dropping a bit and the doctor was concerned, I also had stayed stuck at 4cm for hours and hours, though my contractions were 1-2 mins apart.
I was fully conscious during my c-section, a bit sleepy, understandably. When my son was born they gave him straight to my partner. They knew I was intending to breastfeed, they knew we wanted my partner to cut the cord. He didn’t cut the cord. They didn’t let me have skin to skin. They didn’t help me latch him on straight away (Bear in mind my sister had a c-section exactly a week after me, in exactly the same hospital and theatre, and they let her do all of this).
I didn’t get to hold my baby until I was in recovery, and I was trying to latch him but I couldn’t. The nurse wasn’t in the room for most of the two hours I was in recovery, so I couldn’t ask for help. She came to weigh him, measure him and generally check him over, and to change my puppy pad, but then disappeared straight away.
When I was wheeled into the ward, the midwives were confused. No one had called from recovery to let them know I was coming down. I had to wait on my bed in the corridor while they prepared a bed. At this point, it was about 3am.
My partner went home for some reason, (I have already expressed my anger at this of course, and we are fine, he loves his son very very much) So I was there, 19 years old, fresh out of random surgery, with a newborn baby that I didn’t really know how to feed. I also couldn’t move, naturally.
Rory was crying and crying, and so was I. I was clearly in distress. I kept calling the midwife for help, telling her he is hungry and I want to breastfeed him. She would hold him, shush him to sleep, put him down next to me, and leave.
The third time I called her, the first thing she said to me was, “You don’t need to press the button every time he cries”. I wish I was making that up.
She did the same thing, held him and rocked him to sleep while talking to him about how “she would need a big glass of wine when this shift is over”.
The morning came, my partner returned by 6am after obviously feeling guilty. My round of meds came, and a couple of midwives came to check on me around 9am. My puppy pad hadn’t been checked or changed all night. They were visibly upset about this.
My entire stay was a mess. I was only there for a day and a half, they never checked if I was having meals, while I was there I probably had a meal and a half (I have a history of mental health problems and not eating is a coping mechanism which obviously popped up after the traumatic birth) ended up having to exclusively formula feed which made me very depressed (only at the time. I know now there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, whether it’s a choice or not, he is fed and happy and that’s all that matters) because I wanted to exclusively breastfeed. My milk didn’t even come in until four days later. For two months after I was in and out of hospital with two infections, and an open wound. I’m four and a half months postpartum and only just healed.
It’s taken me a lot of time to recover mentally. I’m still not. I’m better, I think. But due to the current covid19 situation the last thing I want to be doing is going to the gp for mental heath help, but I’m doing alright.
Is it unreasonable to be upset with how I was treated at the hospital? I’m not just upset I am angry. This was supposed to be a magical time but it ended with severe postpartum depression, physical problems with my wound, and being unable to bond with my son til literally only about a month ago. I didn’t even feel like he was mine.
I wanted to take legal action. If it’s possible I maybe still would. I guess I just want to vent and express myself somewhere. Maybe get some advice about helping my mental health at home. While i feel like I’m doing better, at the same time I feel like I’m doing worse because Ive had more time to think about my birth.
I should note, my midwife was not present at the birth and didn’t see me until about a week after having the baby.
Do I have a right to be angry at the nurses who failed to care for me? Should I be seeking treatment despite the risk of covid19 at gps and hospitals?
I don’t know what I hope to achieve with this post. I will probably get a lot of judgement but maybe someone can relate to me, though I hope they don’t since it was incredibly traumatic and painful.
Cheers for reading if you got this far.

Sorry you were treated this way. It's rubbish and all too common, but likely is due to chronic under staffing/funding.
Contact your hospital, you have a right to a 'debriefing' if you want one, in which you can discuss your experience. My hospital had a councillor I saw a couple of times (long story short I had moderate tearing, and they botched my stitching meaning I had to go to theater to have it put right and was separated from my baby for hours), so that might be an option.
It took three years for me to get over it, but eventually I did, and no doubt in time you will too. As your child grows the details of the birth matter less and less.

Oh my first was just like this, it was awful I had no idea how to look after a baby, I couldn’t feed her and she screamed all night. Whenever I pressed the button they would huff and puff at me. We had real problems breastfeeding which i was determined to stick at but they kept telling me to give her formula (they had no time to sit and help me). It was awful and I am convinced it led to my PND and failure to bond with my first born.

I chose a birthing centre for round 2 and OMG the care was outstanding, they couldn’t do enough for me and would sit with me for hours just chatting and helping me breastfeed. Loved it.

Birth is traumatic for most women, it will take you a while to come to terms with what happened and Lockdown is probably exacerbating the whole thing. Please try to enjoy your baby and put the birth behind you. I know it’s hard i truly do i still can’t think about My first birth without getting upset, but I have a beautiful funny amazing 6yr old and that’s what matters now.

Just a point regarding staffing and sorry I don't mean to take away attention from the OP, but has anyone else had surgery on the NHS for example? Because I have a couple of times. All areas of the NHS are understaffed and under pressure but when I had my tonsils out as an adult (for example) I had amazing care in recovery, good pain relief, tea and biscuits brought to me, someone accompanied me to the loo and waited to make sure I didn't fall over (I didn't request this) and I think we can agree that's more minor than an emergency c-,sec and spinal where two patients come out at the end. On all other wards the food trolley is brought round you don't have to drag your torn and stitched and bleeding self down to the secret communal canteen. I have every sympathy for the staff run off their feet but that can't be the whole reason post-natal care is the way it is. My friend is a surgeon and she was shocked post-natally as she was expecting things to go how it usually goes for other surgeries and it just did not plus she had a baby.
I'd second a Mumsnet campaign.

@OreBrickWoodWheatSheep

Tbh, I had all that after my section. Perhaps my hospital was better than most, and from hearing accounts of people on here, probably so, but I be was brought all meals, given lots of poison relief, assisted out of bed (I declined, but it was offered). It was also very quiet both times, so they're was almost a 1:1 staff ratio at times.

Postnatal care is definitely lacking across the board. We have a service here called Birth Reflections - may be worth checking for something similar OP

Whoever said that midwives are not nurses, and this hits you like a ton of bricks on the postnatal ward, this is completely true. I would describe most of the midwives on the ward as "efficient". It was a bit like, I imagine, being told off by matron at Malory Towers. I had a good experience with feeding help, but only because I transferred to a birthing centre on night 2 where I was the only person in and there were 3 midwives. It's closed to postnatal mums now - thanks, Boris. But otherwise, thank god my hospital was one that allows partners to stay as he did everything for DS and was extremely useful when I was put in the bath post-birth, whilenhooked up to a drip stand, and then told to get out and get dressed. DH had to explain twice that people cannot pull a nightie over their arm with a cannula in it without pulling the sleeve over the whole drip stand...

They are pretty much all direct entry so they just train as midwives with nursing placements. Bu people who are post surgical need nursing care.

YANBU. I rarely post but your experience is v similar to what I went through with DS1 almost 12 years ago. You have every right to feel upset/angry/cheated. It took me a good few years to get over what happened to me. In fact it was only giving birth to DS2 4 years later that sorted me out. Sending love x

Reading these posts is extremely saddening but also a sence of relief that what I felt and experienced wasn't just in my head.

I would welcome and actively support a Mumsnet Campaign

YABU. Your post section experience sounds similar to mine. Baby handed straight to OH, no breastfeeding, skin to skin, cord not cut by OH. And I really couldn't care less. I had an emergency c-section after traumatic labour in which both of us were touch and go. Did you actually tell them before/ during that you wanted skin to skin or cord cut? You DON'T have to press a buzzer every time baby cries and if your MW was chatting to your baby, what's the big deal?? You admit to having 'all these plans' and that's why it's best to go into this without firm plans. All long as baby and you are alive and healthy. Wtf does it matter if your OH cut the cord? No-one checked whether I was eating my meals - I'm an adult, why would they? Some of the midwives and even docs f*cked up during my labour, I wouldn't threaten legal action. i understand mistakes happen. Better to just get over it and focus on your LO.

@redwinefine

There was nothing helpful, supportive or pleasant about your response,

I have repeated lumbar punctures and I don’t have too much of an issue with them. Some people who have to have them have to be sedated, bed rest, the works. That doesn’t mean I go around the neuro ward telling people to ‘get over it’ and that “I couldn’t really care less” so why should they?

Empathy is a fantastic quality to have, try getting some.

The single most damaging attitude to birth is “as long as baby is fine”.

Worst of all, it seems to be pedalled to traumatised women, by OTHER WOMEN.

@redfinewine what a horrible post. You sound very bitter and spiteful, I don’t know why people like you comment on these posts, if you can’t try and be kind stay away from these threads. All you are doing is making people who are hurting feel worse....

OP hope you get the closure you need on your experience, such a shame that you didn’t get the care you needed.

@daisyjgrey OP needs to give her head a wobble. As do you. My attitude was that both were fine so why dwell on an unpleasant experience. Also, when you've experienced stillbirth/ miscarriage/ baby born fine then dying less than an hour later.... not having skin to skin on a baby that had survived against the odds wasn't at the top of my to do list to get upset about

What exactly do you want to take legal action over? Because whatever it is, I highly doubt you've got any case.
Your milk didn't come in for 4 days? Absolutely totally normal
The nurses didnt fetch you meals? Not their responsibility

Your mental health with thank you for not dwelling any longer on what was actually a non horrific experience

@Jmaxx44 welcome to AIBU. I think SBU and have explained why...

Sadly your just one on a conveyor. Sounds same as my first birth 12 years ago. Sadly not enough staff with enough time to help with bf esp if you have baby on weekend

Legal action is pointless. I would ask for a debrief

I have to agree with @redwinefine OP actually sounds typical of the younger generation about when things don't go to plan and I think this is more about her mental health than what actually happened in that hospital. There was nothing horrific about her experience its typical of most labour wards.

I’m sorry you feel the way you do.

I think part of the issue was preconceptions re it being an magical time’. It’s just not. That’s unrealistic.

I can’t see one thing that would qualify as a legal issue however do think your best bet is to request a debrief with a copy of your notes. Then it may become clear why some things occurred why they did. Not cutting the cord, handing to partner and no skin to skin are more common in C-sections that are not planned due to many factors. Maybe you were considered to tired, zonked out or maybe resources in an unplanned situation did not lend themselves to this. It’s these things that can be clarified at a debrief.

Your pad should have been changed overnight.

I can’t work out with the food whether you were never given anything to eat or told where it was, or you just didn’t eat what you were given and were upset they didn’t do something but I can’t imagine what. Did you have any eating disorders in your notes that had specific instructions? If not, people don’t have telepathy.

Breastfeeding support is notoriously poor. The fact your milk came in 4 days later is fairly typical, that has nothing to do with the hospital or midwives. It’s an area that should be improved though across the board.

Not sure with the post-operative infection. Again, not uncommon and in itself doesn’t necessarily indicate any wrongdoing. It could be a number of things, maybe there could be substandard care in this regard, maybe not, hard to know.

As is common across the board in the health system, resources are stretched. I think millions could complain about staffing levels but doubt it would effect any change whatsoever, there’s just not enough money in the pot. I doubt many people factor that in, they seem to have a preconceived idea they will get around the clock care to their liking which is not the case. It’s a strict case of needs not wants. Most people are not prepared to effectively manage absolutely everything possible themselves. I think Covid has also thrown a spammer in the works as the system relies heavily on partners and visitors doing a lot (shouldn’t be the way but it’s the only way it can work with the resources available) so that aspect has fallen down at present.

Hi OP. I'm sorry you had such a bad experience. I can't comment on your c section as I never had one.
The after care sounds similar to what i had. The midwifes/nurses were not great at showing me how to breastfeed (they just wacked the baby's head on my boob with a "here you go, she's latched on"). It was not great. I ended up googling how to breastfeed on my phone. Also milk usually can come in anytime between 2 and 5 days after birth; someone should have explained that to you. Colostrum is fine for the baby until then. I think they only need a teaspoon of the stuff on the first few days. Again, should have been explained!
As for meals, here you're meant to get up and walk down the coridor to get them yourself (or you DP gets them but I was by myself).
If i'm honest, your postcare experience is pretty standard. Are you part of a nct group? They sometimes have post natal suppport available. Or you could contact your health visitor - they are here for you post birth (i think by phone app during the covid pandemic).

I hope you manage to heal physically and mentally. You're doing a great job with your baby i'm sure.

The service you received sounds crap and I would urge you to contact PALs as soon as possible. You can also ask for a debrief to talk through your experience. You wont get anywhere legally - I had similar experience except my daughter was very poorly and I was ignored by the midwives who wouldnt even help me dress her after my c section. She nearly died and had to go to special for 9 days..I have been left with back issues from their terrible and failed attempts at a spinal as well as anxiety and depression from the experience. My pads werent checked for 24hrs when I had bled large clots though the bedding and no one would take me to see my daughter for 8hrs. My solicitor thought there may be a case but the barrister firm disagreed and said the nhs would drag it out for years with he said, she said and random doctors saying whatever they're told so it's not worth the stress and cost of pursuing. I found specialist birth trauma counselling very helpful and much better than the CBT prescribed by the NHS. It's also early days. My daughter is nearing 2 and I'm only now coming to terms with it all.

Oh and perhaps look at couples counselling for yourself and your partner. DH was an absolute twat when I was in hospital, disappearing, not helping, making up things doctors had said because he wanted us all home etc. You say you're fine now but the resentment can easily fester away when you have felt unsupported at such an important time. I also think you need to really unpack this with your partner if you may want more children in the future.

I hope I am not derailing this thread. I have read every response and was wondering, those who have had poor birth and post natal experiences, what would have made a difference to your recovery? I don't mean 'how could the experience have been different itself?' but what would have helped afterwards?

OP- a lot of people on this thread have said your experience was standard. That might be the case but it really shouldn’t be and doesn’t have to be. I recently gave birth at a hospital which is particularly well regarded for its maternity services. The midwives did absolutely everything they could to make sure that I was able to establish breastfeeding. They helped me to get my baby to latch and checked regularly to make sure he was feeding enough and to see if I was having problems. My baby was too sleepy to feed for a while so they helped me express and feed him with a syringe. They were busy but always friendly and professional. They even changed baby’s nappy a couple of times when it needed doing while they were checking him. They didn’t want to send me home until I was confident with feeding. I didn’t have a c-section so this may have had an impact but if it wasn’t possible for you to breastfeed immediately (which I’d query as it’s usually possible to express colostrum even before birth) the midwives should have explained this and talked to you about how to establish feeding when you could. In general, even if some of what happened to you was necessary for medical reasons (e.g husband not cutting cord possibly) this should have been explained. I had a somewhat traumatic delivery where everything happened very quickly at the end but the doctor gave me a chance to ask questions about it afterwards. I don’t know that you could realistically take legal action but I do think you should complain about your experience. If everyone just accepts this level of care things won’t improve and my experience shows that it is possible for a busy maternity hospital to do much better.

Definitely complain. I can't believe some of the posters here with the "that's just how things are" attitude. Postnatal care should be better - women are at their most vulnerable after giving birth. I'm lucky mine was better.
It might be worth getting some counselling too.