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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lack of remorse from husband.

55 replies

Fallingformyboss · 06/06/2020 17:34

My husband isn't a very nice man. It's a long story and I don't want to drip feed or bore you to death with the detail, but basically I'm saving like mad to get away from him. I'm almost there, I really need to buy my own home for the security (mental health related) so I'm saving for the deposit as I earn a decent salary.

He hits me - not so I'd be battered and bruised (although bruising does happen) but enough to make me hate him. It's not regular, he did it again last week and before this it was last November. I know it's bad enough but my MH issues override me being able to walk out and rent for a bit.

He refuses to apologise for hitting me and tells me it's my own fault for pushing him to it.

I'm not sure what I'm asking to be honest I think I just want to let it out. I haven't told anyone IRL about this at all. Please don't flame me for not leaving yet I'm taking an educated risk. I should be able to move in about a year.

Thanks for listening. anyone have any similar experience and how do you deal with the lack of remorse?

OP posts:

IDontLikeZombies · 06/06/2020 17:42

I don't want to flame you. I'm worried that he might really hurt you before you feel able to leave.
What is the problem with your MH? Can we help you get help with that so that the time you spend with him is shorter? I imagine trying to get help via the NHS will be harder at the moment but there will be folk on here with brilliant, alternative ways of getting support.

Original poster

Fallingformyboss · 06/06/2020 17:47

Thank you. There is a chance I could be really hurt but I don't think so. We've been together six years and it is escalating, but very very slowly. Yes he could have a moment and I end up badly hurt.

There is virtually no MH support in my area its diabolical. I just wouldn't be able to rent the insecurity of it would cripple me.

OP posts:

Parmavioletmum · 06/06/2020 17:50

Is there anyone IRL you can confide in who can maybe take you in temporarily? How close are you to financially be able to leave? Sending you my thoughts and wishes for safety!

sunflowersandtulips50 · 06/06/2020 17:50

I said YABU as you shouldnt be living with a man who hits you. You need to get RL support and plan your exit. A year is too long

NoraEphronsneck · 06/06/2020 17:55

Do you work op? If so could you find a sympathetic ear there. Do you have family support or a friend who could help?

Treacletoots · 06/06/2020 17:55

Hi OP. You need to give your head a wobble.

The insecurity of renting versus the fear of a physical attack in your own home?

From a landlord perspective, a lot of landlords selling recently was due to changes to tax and other legislation. Those still doing it, despite this, are likely in it for the long haul.

Renting for a year won't kill you. He might. And why can't you get some equity from your current home?

Sameold2020 · 06/06/2020 17:55

Do you have family for you to stay with temporarily? The support would be good too. I don't think you should stay.

Windyatthebeach · 06/06/2020 17:56

I hope you have no dc..

MoseShrute · 06/06/2020 17:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

MotherOfGreyhound · 06/06/2020 17:58

What a horrible situation to be living in. Have you contacted women's aid? I have found them very supportive in the past. They will not judge you, and will understand that leaving immediately is not always an option.

Your husbands behaviour is unacceptable. No amount of apologies or remorse would alter that.

Elieza · 06/06/2020 18:01

It just takes him pushing you just once, you smashing your head off a table and you’re dead. Even if it’s an accident and he didn’t mean to hurt you badly it will be game over for you.

Don’t wait. Your mental health is important but so is your physical health.

Why can’t you rent?

amusedbush · 06/06/2020 18:06

You say yourself that it’s escalating. A year is a long time to stay with an abuser and you have no idea what he might do in that time.

Please take the money you have now and get out. You should be able to get a lease for a minimum of six months, which will allow you to get out of this situation and keep saving.

ConkerGame · 06/06/2020 18:06

OP I’m so sorry to hear this. Do you have any family, even more distant family who could take you in for a short time? I only speak to my aunt once a year but I’m pretty sure she’d take me in if I was in a situation like yours. My best friends would too.

Otherwise speaking to someone like women’s aid might help you with ideas and confidence to find your own place for the next year.

CoquettishIngenue · 06/06/2020 18:15

Are your savings definitely secure?

AriadnesFilament · 06/06/2020 18:16

No one will flame you.

But I think many people will ask what is it about potential lack of security in renting for a year vs the definite outcome of physical harm if you stay where you are that makes staying where you are preferable?

One is a potential risk and may never come to pass in the year you are renting, whereas the other is a definite issue now and will happen again in the next year as he is escalating, and this issue results in physical harm to you, potentially serious, potentially life-threatening. Any risk involved in renting does not involve that level of harm.

I wonder if talking your perception of these two risks and outcomes through with someone trained (if you are able to given your home situating) May help? If you can’t, could you try doing some sort of scoring for each option to help you see that the renting risk - while a huge thing to overcome from a MH perspective - is objectively the lesser thing, both in terms of likelihood of happening and impact if it does?

raspberryk · 06/06/2020 18:23

If you were my friend or family member you could live in my house for nothing to get you away from this man. Pandemic or not. You could then sort out finances, save more and get half your marital home(?) for your deposit. Is there anyone you can confide in and move in with?
Your safety is far more important than a house deposit though, believe me.

LagunaBubbles · 06/06/2020 18:28

but my MH issues override me being able to walk out and rent for a bit

I would never flame you. But you're looking at it from the wrong way round. Living in an abusive relationship will undoubtedly be making your mental health issues worse.

Chewy85 · 06/06/2020 18:29

Can you ring a MH service for telephone support? I’m so afraid for you.

I know you can’t help your anxiety, and it doesn’t follow any rational thought but what are you afraid of with renting in the short term?

FOJN · 06/06/2020 18:31

OP I think you've posted before and I wondered then how you planned to protect your deposit when you divorced and if he would be entitled to 50% of it. I only flag it because staying so you can save seems like terrible risk to take and especially if he could then screw your plans up anyway.

Original poster

Fallingformyboss · 06/06/2020 18:34

I am afraid if I rent of being made homeless. If I rent I will no longer be able to save at the rate I'm saving and will never own my own home so I'll be renting forever.

It makes me so mad that some on here think that not having children makes my situation easier than if I did. I accept I don't have little people to consider, schools, their wellbeing, etc, but it is very very hard even without them.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 06/06/2020 18:35

If you report it to the police the likelihood is that you can get an occupation order to keep him out of the house - is this something you have investigated?

Euclid · 06/06/2020 18:37

OP please don't stay with this abuser. It will almost certainly get worse and as others said it could cost you your life. It is disgusting that he blames you for "pushing him to it". It is entirely his fault, full stop.
Please speak to a friend or relative and see if you can move somewhere temporarily. If there isn't anyone, speak to Women's Aid. Then speak to a divorce lawyer to see what you are entitled to.
Whatever you do, don't stay with this abuser.

AriadnesFilament · 06/06/2020 18:41

Ok. There are safeguards in place if you rent that prevent you being evicted without notice, so you would have time to find somewhere else IF that happened, which is by no means a certainty. Many, many people rent and it never happens to them. However, what is a certainty is that he will hit you again.

At the moment you are saving for a deposit. However, while you remain married half of what you save is technically his when you divorce (the same as other marital assets), so it may actually be better to leave sooner and get the divorce underway to better protect your money from him and prevent him from accessing as much as possible. If you leave soon you may actually be able to save up faster for your deposit if you factor in the above re marital assets.

ThePianist38 · 06/06/2020 18:42

So your husband hits you but you’re concerned he doesn’t feel sorry after? if he would apologise after, will it be better , would you stay with him?

“It makes me so mad that some on here think that not having children makes my situation easier “- because it it easier if it was for me alone i could sleep in the car if i must flee my home, if I would have kids I wouldn’t be able to that but stay put and organise something so my kids can have a bed at night

handbagsatdawn33 · 06/06/2020 18:46

Rather than you moving out, can you not force him to leave?

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