Lack of remorse from husband.

[Fallingformyboss]

My husband isn't a very nice man. It's a long story and I don't want to drip feed or bore you to death with the detail, but basically I'm saving like mad to get away from him. I'm almost there, I really need to buy my own home for the security (mental health related) so I'm saving for the deposit as I earn a decent salary.

He hits me - not so I'd be battered and bruised (although bruising does happen) but enough to make me hate him. It's not regular, he did it again last week and before this it was last November. I know it's bad enough but my MH issues override me being able to walk out and rent for a bit.

He refuses to apologise for hitting me and tells me it's my own fault for pushing him to it.

I'm not sure what I'm asking to be honest I think I just want to let it out. I haven't told anyone IRL about this at all. Please don't flame me for not leaving yet I'm taking an educated risk. I should be able to move in about a year.

Thanks for listening. anyone have any similar experience and how do you deal with the lack of remorse?

It makes me so mad that some on here think that not having children makes my situation easier than if I did. I accept I don't have little people to consider, schools, their wellbeing, etc, but it is very very hard even without them

Why does it make you mad? It's a fact. You've only got yourself and your physical and mental health to consider here. Once you've left you're done, you don't have to interact with him ever again, as opposed to 18 years of co-parenting.

Well done for having an exit plan. Be very careful who you trust with the information, even when you have moved out. Log the abuse you have received from him and look into a none molestation order if possible.

OK, first off I do respect your decision to handle this as you wish. And I do understand how MH can 'paralyze' someone from doing what is probably the best course of action. But also please recognize that you are putting yourself in increased danger of serious injury, or worse.

BUT, please do consider whether or not you have any other options that you can live with. Others have suggested asking a trusted friend or relative if you can stay with them for the time being. Are you in a position (MH and financially) where you could pay a certain number of months rent 'up front' so you'll have a 'secure' place for those months? Would that help the insecurity around renting? I know, that's probably not possible whilst saving for a deposit.

If at all possible, confide in someone nearby. Someone you trust to keep your confidence. Ask them for help in getting you out of the house as much as possible under any reasonable pretext be it fake babysitting, card games, even fake 'pamper parties' or whatever. The more time you can spend physically away from him the better. Work overtime if you can. Start attending church (real or not). Take up a hobby that requires you to be outdoors/away. Don't start too much all at once, just a gradual increasing of time away. Obviously, if this would 'set him off' then don't do it.

In the same vein, encourage him (subtly) if he has hobbies that take him out of the house. Encourage him to meet up with mates or his family (unless this involves pub sessions which result in violence).

You say that MH services where you live are 'crap'. I'm in the US so I don't know about that. But I do know that many of our MH sources here are now doing phone/video appointments. Could you check and see if there might be something like that available where you are? My son's therapist actually lives 400 miles away, but they have their visits via video chat. He can even set a time and have his session during his lunch hour.

Who owns the place you live in and could you get him to leave rather than yourself ?
Is there anyone you can stay with while you continue to save up?
12 months is a long time to continue putting up with this shit.
As pps have said, please do contact Women’s Aid, for practical advice and emotional support.
I wish you the very best.

Please get some advice from a women’s refuge/DV charity x

I'd be very worried what he might do if he gets wind of you planning to leave him.

I wonder why you can't move out to somewhere small and cheap with the money you have saved. Then push through the divorce to get the equity out of the house.

If e.g. you do a flit when he's not there he won't know where you've moved to so might be safer.

Please contact womens aid

OP the chances are the abuse will get worse and worse until he really hurts you - or worse. My ex started with pushing me, then slapping , then kicking until he broke a bone and I ended up in A and E. I dread to think what would have happened had I not moved out. It was messy and stressful but the fear was ( mostly) gone. Take care.

Christ op, you’re staying in a dv situation so you can buy a house sooner? And you’re willing to take if for another year?

You need to get out. The first time a man hits you should always be the last.

I won’t pretend to know what it’s like to be in an abusive relationship but your focusing and getting angry at the wrong things.

It IS easier for you to leave from a purely practical viewpoint that many others. A good salary, savings and no children - I’m afraid many will be confused and bewildered at your reluctance to move into rented accommodation.

Angry he won’t apologise? Of course he won’t. He’s an abuser.

You need to be angry AT him.

You should report him to the police and leave now.

You’re focusing.

Plus surely you’d want to be divorced before buying a property? This all sounds odd to me.

We'll done for deciding to leave him. I'm not sure that buying somewhere immediately is a good idea.

The most dangerous time for most women is while or after leaving an abuser. Renting makes it easier for you to move further/somewhere different if his violence escalates after you've left.

Are you really saying that you’re placing greater value on property ownership than your health and happiness?

And agree with PP, why would you buy whilst still married to him..?

You need to leave him ASAP, while you still can.

Is there any family or friends you can stay with whilst continuing to save?

Oh, I didn't even think about buying whilst still married.

OP you really need to check into this with a solicitor. If you are legally married (you call him DH) then it may be that any money you save and any home you buy with it might be considered 'marital assets' and if he's that big of an asshole he might try to claim on it in a divorce.

I know you said you are about a year away from being able to buy, if there is a drop in housing prices could you not move sooner? Is your money safe where he can’t access it, if not can you put it somewhere else that he doesn’t know about?

Please put your physical safety ahead of everything else

You need to rent until you are legally divorced otherwise he might have a financial claim on your new house. You can also pay one year, or even two year's rent upfront to give yourself good security.

Every time he leaves a mark on you get it logged on your medical records by your GP.

I know what you mean OP. I didn't have kids with my abusive ex, although he had kids who I loved so being a stepmum was a pull for staying, but it wasn't just that. It's so so so so so hard to leave whatever situation you're in.

If you are able to confide in a friend or family member who you could stay with so you can keep saving, that would be great. Or rent a room in a shared house so it's not such a financial burden? Do speak to women's aid, just so you have some real life support - a voice on the other end of the phone.

I understand your calculated risk approach though - I semi-unconsciously did it too. Withdrew step by step to avoid a volatile reaction, which luckily for me I did.

Look after yourself as best you can

I'm sorry about the situation you are in. You need to leave him as quickly and as safely as you can. Do you have any friends or family in the area? Call women's aid, the police and please get out.
He may not have battered you blue yet, but that's not to say he won't. Please get to safety as soon as you can!

Please don’t wait a year to leave him. He could have killed you by then. Please seek help from the Police and your local domestic violence helpline. I hope you don’t have children. Is there nowhere else you can go to keep yourself safe. Hope you get sorted soon 💐

Please leave him, your situation sounds awful and people in the real world will help I promise.

When I left my controlling husband who had only just started to get aggressive I was surprised by all the people that helped.

My friends husbands sister (see distant link) had a spare room and took me in when I became instantly homeless.

Next I rented a room in a house share and while I really didn't want to share at 37 it helped so much to keep my costs down and allow me to spend time with people who helped me heal.

Have a plan ready for an emergency. Be ready

At the very least, pack a bag and keep it at a trusted friend or family member's house so if you have to run, you've got a few belongings and he can't destroy everything. Off the top of my head pack:

Your passport and any other important documents
Sentimental items
A basic selection of clothing

Things like toothbrushes can easily be bought so don't worry about toiletries.

Other posters might be able to help with other ideas

Contact your local IDVAS. Think about who you can trust and turn to.

Sod another year. Not another DAY.

I've just looked at your username and remembered your earlier thread about falling for your boss.

If your husband finds out that you like your boss he will hurt you really badly.

Why not confide in your boss and ask him to help you find somewhere to live where you'd be safe?

Hi OP, I hope you are alright and I am so sorry about your situation. I was in a physically abusive relationship many years ago and remember so well the horror of living like that. Sadly I know you internalise it, and normalise it to the extent that it becomes "liveable" for want of a better word. I understand it is not easy, and can feel impossible, to get out. Especially now in the time of Corona. I feel from your post that you are taking a calculated risk based on the fact that the violence appears to be escalating slowly, so you have made an assessment that you will be out before anything "really bad" happens. Please don't rely on this - his violence may well escalate exponentially once he realises that in the short term you're not going to leave. Please know that you sound like you are in quite serious danger and that does matter. You do matter and there are people here to help.

I know you don't feel able to leave or ask him to leave right now. But would you feel able to commit to getting yourself some moral support, for when you are ready? You can call Women's Aid, and /or the Samaritans. Just talk and work through your very confused thoughts to start. Know that there are people out there willing to listen, who want to help. It will make you feel stronger and more sorted mentally, and then maybe you might feel willing to take a bigger step. Please also call victim support (sorry I don't have their number) they will let you talk without judgement. I would also like you to call the police non emergency number for advice - they can let you know what they can offer - you don't have to give your details or those of your partner. There really is help out there. Please take great care and please do reach out for help - that's why these organisations exist, it's because they want to help you. Look after yourself x